Dear Friend,
Well, today was a it of a no-go. I woke up feeling just very, very week. I wasn't able to get anything done this morning. It took all my energy just to make myself a sandwich for lunch. So that whole, great to-do list got chucked. I was able to get dressed and made it to my psychologist appointment. We talked about how shut down I was last week. Apparently, it was pretty extreme from the way she talked about it. I told her I still felt very shut down and hidden and guarded which surprised me because I expected it to be gone by now. We talked about what she thinks made it so bad was having my mother in my house. I haven't felt this way when I've gone to see her, but being in my house made me feel in danger, so I threw up all the guards internally that I had. When I let myself relax a ought to examine it I could tell that I was still clenched up in a little knot of fear inside. She talked about somatic memory. I didn't follow it all, but apparently yr body harbors memories you made from before you had language. And so when you hit a trigger, the body remembers and reacts. She tried doing a body relaxation thing with me to unclench my gut, and it was going well until we hit my thighs and then a series of really bad memories hit. While I jockeyed it around I made a decision, there is a particular terror from my childhood and growing up years that has always been too frightening for me to talk about. I decided that I was going to deal with it with her. So I told her about it and what I decided. It's kind of out of her realm of expertise, but she's game to go there with me. I warned her that next week I would probably have shut down entirely on it and won't want to talk about it at all, when was why I needed to tell her today. As you can tell, I haven't decided yet if I'm going to take about it here or not.
I told her that I had burned a candle in the room my mother stayed in one day, a candle called "Healing" that is made with essential oils that are supposed to have healing properties. Go ahead and groan, it won't bother me! That I had burned it all day as sort of a reclaiming of my space. I told her I felt like burning a sage stick but had wondered if it was too pagan of a practice. She said she didn't think so, that it was a ceremonial act of purifying and cleansing your space and that there's a lot of benefit from ceremony. Here's a short article about what I'm talking about. http://www.beliefnet.com/columnists/freshliving/2009/07/how-to-cleanse-your-home-with-sage.html
Then I went to my naturopath to get my Xanax and klonopin refills and I went ahead and had a saline infusion while I was there. I didn't watch my water or salt intake for a whole week and a half and I think I had lost a lot of blood plasma. I paid attention today, and sure enough, I was peeing all the time. So a liter of saline water ought to help a lot. She added some extra B12 to the mix since I was pretty run down. I hope to be feeling better tomorrow.
That's it for me now. I think I'm going to be able to go to sleep a little earlier than usual. But I do still have to make my to-do list for tomorrow. I'm helpless without it! Maybe I'll do a lemonade fast over the weekend. Maybe not. Well see.
Cheers!
Lisa
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