and, the drama continues. First thing I got this morning was a text from my mother saying "I am at a loss for words! Now I'm supposed to arbitrate between my grown children?! I have problems of my own." And she attached a picture of her calf which she has injured truly terribly dropping a heavy planter on it which cut it up and bruised her terribly. I exclaimed over her picture and then said no one was asking her to do anything. So she texted back "Did you read (your daughter's) message?! I said yes and explained it for her, though it was pretty straight forward. I said stuff along the lines of all of these things were being done to me by my brother just to hurt me and when she "liked" them or shared them, it looked like she was agreeing to the hurt he was causing me. So she thought you should know the back story because she was sure you would never do anything deliberately that would hurt me....
Well, my son texted me and we texted for a good while and I told him all about what happened, so then I didn't have time to get back to you. But the long and the short of it is my brother posted another hateful post. My other brother has not responded to my email about ole miss and my sister in law has not responded to my email telling her how much she hurt me. So ... great family, huh?
I saw my psychologist yesterday and she STRONGLY advised me to take no action right now because I was way too vulnerable. No emails, no letters, no texts. No communication at all. I argued with her about it and said it made me look weak. She said she knew it would be hard on me because I was a fighter, but that I was not in a place where I could handle that right now. I know she's right but it makes me feel impotent, which I hate with every cell in my body. I WAS impotent my whole life and was abused my whole childhood. So NOT doing anything is feeding into that feeling and creating a feeling that I don't like. It's not quite rage. Not quite bitterness. Not quite fury. Just trying to feel my way around this and see if I can find what it feels like ... a desire to destroy, maybe? I want him especially. And the rest of my family out of my life permanently. I want to rub this brother's face in the things he has written until he is ashamed. The unbelievable self-righteousness and smugness and hatefulness of what he said. The family members who think it's great. So ... real holy and sanctified reactions I'm having, huh?
The decision that I don't want them in my life anymore is final, however. They're toxic and I plan to move on in life through beauty and ministry and love and reaching out to the homeless and the hurting, and they're not going to walk that road with me. They are the type with no pity who of the poor and homeless feel like they just should have tried harder! With giving no acknowledgement that they were born white, for one thing, with all the benefits they got from that. They were able to go through high school when so many people weren't able to do that. They didn't have to live on the street or go hungry. And instead of seeing that as gifts they received and should be grateful for, they decide that that was all by their own hand and their own power, so they can look down at others who life in poverty or homeless.
Since mercy is one of my spiritual gifts, and the bedrock of my belief that we are called to show the compassion of God to those who are in need is never going to work for them. They're never going to accept it, they are always going to mock me for it. They are always going to call me a bleeding heart liberal, and mean it as the worst of insults. They have already been a grief to me for many years. We've taken different paths and they are only going to lead us further apart. When I have written long, heartfelt letters showing what the Bible says about the role of believers in the world, what our mission should be, how we should imitate the humility and compassion of Christ and how, being Christians they ought not to be mocking and making fun of people or disrespecting the office of the president and the person occupying that office, etc, etc, and it just washed over them and they won't even comment ... what is left for you to do, except to withdraw. I've watched my mother try to hold on to her relationship with her extremely toxic sister for her whole life and watched how much grief it's caused her until she finally decided, when she was 90, that she could not have anything to do with her anymore. Now, that says a lot, doesn't it, that someone is too toxic for my MOTHER!
My letter to my oldest brother is pretty much finished. I may work some today in my letter to this brother who's going berserk on the internet, but I'm going to try to not lose today to mourning or being angry about all of this. My nuclear family has rallied around me and being so supportive. In the end, they are not only the only ones I want, but the only ones I need.
What's that verse about Jesus ... And when He was reviled .... I'm pretty sure it's going to make me feel bad, but I'm going to look it up. Be right back. Yep. Here it is 1 Peter 2:23 - When they hurled their insults at Him, He did not retaliate; when He suffered, He made no threats. Instead, He entrusted Himself to Him who judges justly.
Great. Just great
Anyway, leaving the psychologist's house it dawned on me that my mother had not responded to my text with, "Oh of course not, darling. I would never do anything knowingly to hurt you."
Somehow knowing that she did it on purpose and KNOWING that she did it on purpose hurt in a whole new way. I was just numb and frozen most of the rest of the day.
Taking care of my body has just fallen completely to the way side now. I haven't had a manicure in months. A facial? A massage? A pedicure?? Ha! I did spend a lot of time tracking down a bunch of new supplements I've been reading about that are supposed to help with stress and depression and general health. Everything's arrive, so I'm starting to use it. Hope it helps.
Which brings me to another thing. My health is not great. I have an extremely stressful life. I'm on two anti-depressants and two anti-anxiety meds. I do not need these people in my life making my life worse!!
Well, that's it for today. I'm sure there's more to come before the days over
Cheers!
Lisa
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