Dear Friend,
I am really depleted. I was so tired today. I decided to let myself sleep until I woke u because all that yesterday really took it out of me. I stayed up late taking care of some things I needed to purchase: panty hose, a slip, etc. then slept till 10:45. I had an appointment with my psychologist today at 4:00, and I just decided to stay in my nightgown and sit in my study until I had to get ready to leave for the appointment. So, I went downstairs to let the dogs out and make some coffee only to find that my Jack Russell had diarrhea again all over the kitchen floor! She had a diaper on, but it came out of her diaper. I am about to lose my mind over this!! Literally! I got up most of it and then put paper towels over the areas that had dried and would need more work and then poured ammonia on the towels and just went back upstairs! I don't know what to do about her. She was really sweet last night and even let me hold her and pet her for several minutes before she had to get down. But I was able to hold her for more than five minutes which is kind of a record.
I was bummed out so much and refused to go to the door for anything. I had written a letter of recommendation for a student and emailed her that the door was unlocked and to come on inside and the letter would be sitting right there. She wasn't sure what to take so my daughter helped her. Then the dry cleaners came and she got the door for them. And then, out of the blue, the cleaning service comes in! There was just no way I could handle people in the house! So I called the woman in charge and she said she had arranged for them to come because my mother was coming tomorrow. I told her that that was not needed and they were glad to get to go on. And then my psychologist called and she had that my appointment was at 2:00! I think this was a mistake because I had a card from her and I am certain it said 4:00. I had entered it into my phone just the evening before. But she said that she could see me at 3:00 if I could make it and I said yes. Well, like if said, I was still in my nightgown and had to get on some clothes and rush to get there. I was pretty hungry because the only thing I had had to eat all day was a cup of coffee with some soy creamer in it and the bacon slices I forgot to put on my BLT yesterday. I was a little upset because I had not had my prayer time. I keep avoiding God because I don't want to hurt and when I talk to Him, I have to deal with the pain. IMF I can just keep my mind busy I can avoid it. So all I had done was Facebook a lot. I found a picture that says a passionate woman is worth the chaos she causes. I posted it because it seemed appropriate. My sweet husband commented "absolutely!"
So I got there and just fell apart completely again abut the further awful comments of my brothers on Facebook that have been so mean and directed at me. I told her that this wasn't love. They did not love me. I think she was going to try to tell me that that wasn't necessarily true, but I was very adamant, that is not how you treat someone if you love them. And that I didn't have a family anymore. I already knew that was how my mother was, but I hadn't known it about my brothers, but now I did. She's not wild about me writing them, but I told her I was going to. She asked me why and I said it's because I feel like a victim. I feel like I've been pounded onto the floor and am just lying there saying it's okay. So, we talked about that some and how to do it. I told her I didn't know how to break up with a brother. I asked her what had happened to me last week when I couldn't hardly move after meeting with her. If you recall, I was walking to my car when it suddenly hit me that my mother had NOT said that, oh not, she would never do something deliberately to hurt me, the context being the horrible things one brother was writing and she was liking and sharing. It just hit me that she had dropped the subject entirely, so I realized that she had, indeed, done it just to hurt me. And I just froze up. Couldn't hardly move. Just sat in the car in the position I was in when I closed the door staring down at the other side of the floor until she returned from wherever she had gone and pulled up to the car to check on me. She said that I was in shock. That people who have been traumatized are real quick to go into the "fight, flight, or freeze" mode, and I had frozen.
I told her that I was just going to write them something short saying he badly they had hurt me and that they had treated me without love or respect and I wasn't going to let them treat me like that and, basically ... sayonara, losers! But ... nope. I'm not going to be able to do that. Just can't. I'm going to take them down and out over the things they have said and the way they have acted. And THEN say, sayonara, Losers! Can't do anything for a while yet, though. My Mom is less than four hours away so she will probably be here tomorrow before noon. I suspect that she will act very nice and be well-behaved while she's here. Especially with my husband here. She does not mess around with him anymore at all after the rounds they have been through over the years.
My husband and I went out tonight to have some time together before the week begins. I have no idea how I'm going to get through all this with being so upset by my family, including my mother right now. I'm not going to talk about any of this with her, but there's just no telling how everything is going to go. Hopefully I will be surprised and it will be a great week. I just need to keep my focus on my husband and what this week means for him. It's frustrating because my best friend is going to come up, but I don't know if I'll get hardly any time to spend with her. Bummer!!
Oh, gosh. I just realized I did not look at the proposed menus for the big dinner Friday evening.
Well ... one last thing before I go. I found out about a twelve year old sheltie that was tortured and put in a plastic trash bag and thrown out on the side of a country road near where we used to live. They couldn't believe he was still alive when a father and son found him. They got him to a viet and he's being treated in Nashville. His story just ripped my heart out. How anyone could hurt a dog is beyond me, it's pure evil. But to do it to a a SHELTIE!! Oh my gosh. I hope and pray with all my heart that they find who did this. I've given money for his treatment and have called them twice and emailed them that I want to adopt him. I really, really want him. I was just able to leave voice mails. In the article they said it would be white a while before he was well enough to be adopted.
Well ... that's it for me. I've got to get this with my brothers finished in my heart. I can't let this keep messing me up.
Well ... life ends tomorrow for a while. But ... it will all come to an end and well be here alone again, just the three of us.
So ... have a good weekend. I'm pretty sure it will be better than mine!
Lisa
P.S. Hey! I just found a picture symbol on the top bar and figured out how to add a picture ... finally!
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