Dear Friend,
Sometimes I really hate keeping this blog. Especially when I bombed again, two days in a row. I had a terrible time waking up again this morning. My daughter told me to try taking my Welbutrin in the morning when I take the cortisol because it helps wake you up also. I kept falling into a dream where my mother had cancer and I was trying to find her a place to live where we used to live in Oxford, Mississippi. It was a very strange dream and I was very upset because she had cancer. Anyway, I finally grabbed my iPad and pulled up TED Talks. I listened to one by a pediatrician who talked about how childhood trauma has lasting health effects, even greatly increasing your risks for heart disease and cancer. Something she mentioned that was interesting is that the amygdala in people who experienced constant childhood trauma is bigger than the amygdala in people with normal childhoods. The amygdala is the gland in your brain that creates adrenaline ad is responsible for your feelings of fear and fear conditioning. And it is actually larger in adults who had trauma-filled childhoods. It was very interesting, and it did wake me up. But it wasn't exactly cheering or encouraging.
I didn't function as well today as I had hoped. I remained very sleepy all day. I did, however, do something significant. I went outside.
I don't know if I told you that I used to have full-blown agoraphobia, fear of open places. It came on me after the nervous breakdown I had when I was 37. I couldn't leave the house without having a major panic attack. For one long period, two years, I didn't leave the house at all. Then one day, I went outside and walked around the house three times and then went back inside. That was all I could stand. I eventually got past it, but I've had some problems with it since we moved. Very small problems comparatively speaking. But quite noticeable. I just really, really don't want to leave the house, and it's very hard for me to make myself do it. I CAN do it. I just REALLY don't want to.
Before we moved, I was outside as much as was possible. All of my prayer times, Bible reading, emailing, work of any nature involving the computer, planning grocery lists were all done outside. But since we've moved, I've stayed almost exclusively inside. But, today, I took my prayer journal and went out to the patio and sat there and read my Bible and had my prayer time and planned out my day. I was uneasy, sure. But I stayed. So I think that was an important step. I want to take the power washer out there and spray everything really, really good. Even the flagstones! I have a lot of planters to fill and I need to clean the cushions and the furniture, but it shouldn't be too terribly hard to get it looking really nice. I'm planning on sitting outside again. I want to build my tolerance up so that I can start going on walks in the area. Hopefully before summer is over I'll be doing that.
Between not being able to wake u all day, starting the day with a talk ant childhood trauma and then making myself go outside and stay there ... well, I was just "off" for the rest of the day.
My husband had an event tonight and asked if I could have supper ready by 6:00 and mentioned that he would be really hungry because of not being able to eat during the day. So, I phoned in a refill for a prescription of his to Walgreens and then planned a menu and wrote out a grocery list. Then I went to Walgreens and the grocery store. I didn't feel well at all doing the shopping sort of like I didn't have any blood pressure or something. I haven't been paying attention to eating a lot of salt, so I may have lost some blood volume.
Anyway, I came home and started dinner and actually had it ready at 6:00. But, after he left, our daughter got home so I sat with her while she ate and we started a documentary our son told us about called "Fed Up" about the food industry. Then, when she finished eating, instead of getting up and cleaning the kitchen and doing the other things I needed to do, I sat there still watching the show and trying to figure out menus for this week and get a grocery order filled out. But nothing sounded good at all. I didn't pay attention to the time and then saw it was almost 8:30! So I jumped up and started the dishes. I forgot to turn on the dishwasher on Sunday, so I couldn't load very many things. And then my husband got home and I had to just get that load started and sit down with him for a little bit to watch "Friends" before going to bed. Unfortunately, we watched two episodes that were Ross and Rachel breaking up badly. So I guess that was the perfect end to an already uncomfortable day.
The kitchen is still a mess, and I realized that I haven't dealt with the crock pot with the burned BBQ chicken in it! Two nights in a row that I didn't get the kitchen clean!! So, I'm alternating between "I hate myself! I'm a terrible person! I'm such a loser!" and, trying to be kind to myself and giving myself room to not function well without hating myself for it.
But,the cleaning company is coming tomorrow, so I have to have everything cleaned by 1:00 when they get here! The whole house is kind of a mess and I still haven't taken care of all of these packages yet!!
What would be lovely tomorrow would be to have everything ready for them at 1:00 and be able to leave the house and go to Starbucks and read my Bible and pray and get a grocery order in. My husband has a dinner to go to tomorrow night, so I'll have some extra time to work on the house. I'm wanting to start spending fifteen minutes a day in the basement, maybe unpack just one box.
Didn't exercise today, either. I am hoping for and planning on a much better day tomorrow. I'm about to write out my to-do list right now.
Cheers!
Lisa
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