Dear Reader,
This is just ridiculous. How could there possibly be only 43 days befor my husband starts work in New York?? It looks like I may actually be here longer than him, because I don't think the people are going to be out of the house until June 1. If that's the case, then he will fly down to help me drive up. I don't have any idea how that trip will go with four dogs and one cat! Our daughter is definitely taking her cat to her apartment. This is going to be hard on her cat because she has "friends" on the campus who come see her and she is friends with our dogs. But, a cat has to do what a cat has to do! At least it means I'll only be taking one cat in the car with me. I worried that I would be taking both!
I stayed cooped up in my bedroom this morning until I was ready to leave because I didn't want to talk to the housekeeper. She did at least come to work today. But she doesn't understand at all how to act professionally. Instead of trying to put her best foot forward, she did not put on any makeup and just dragged around. I know she didn't have a mother, I know she hasn't ever held a job before, I know she didn't finish high school and has no idea how to do her job in a professional manner. But I've been teaching her fora year and a half now, and some of this she should have down better. But, the good news is that I don't have to keep trying. She told me that she is going to quit working here on June 12 and stay home and take care of her daughter and get paid for doing that. So I don't need to try to get her ready for the next president and his wife. I am really relieved because I had reached a point where I just didn't know what I as going to do and was having to accept that she is not as innately competent as I thought she was. So this will work out well. She will continue here to help me get moved and will then be here a while longer for the new president to find a housekeeper and her give them some training.
I had to make that long drive again today to see my counselor. I had so much news to tell her about and that only left us with twenty minutes to start going through "the box of pain" from the church we attended in a different state. I started by reading a detailed synopsis of what had occurred during that awful week. She stopped me a few times to ask me how I was feeling, and I was fine, until we got to the part where I talk about how not one of them had exhibited the least concern or interest in what was done to our daughter. She asked me there how I felt, and I was fine except for being somewhat angry and indifferent again. I went in a little further before it was time to stop. She asked me what I was going to do with this that I had read and remembered. I told her that I thought I would stew on it the rest of the day and get increasingly angry and upset and not be able to sleep any tonight because of it until I had exhausted myself by the next day and could move on. She got a good laugh out of that! I asked her what she would suggest, and she suggested that I focus on how long ago this took place (10 years) and that these people are not a part of my life anymore. I laughed and said, " Orrrr ... I could do THAT!" We talked about how one of the women who hurt me terribly badly and did not speak to me for all the months we stayed at the church trying to resolve everything sent me a friend request some time back and that we communicate via Facebook some, but she has never volunteerd to tell me why she ignored me or why she had quit. My counselor asked me how I feel about that, that she was in my Facebook. I thought about it and realized that, actually, I didn't like it at all. She is always a reminder of what happened there, and her silence about it is frustrating. She started ignoring me immediately and, literally, did not speak to me again for the remaining three years we lived in that town. And now she just wants to renter my life on this casual acquaintance level. No ... I don't like it. So my counselor asked me why I don't unfriendly her. I told her because that seemed like a mean thing to do. We had to stop right there so ... to be continued! Were working through this because there is still a lot of pain and confusion about all this that has deeply impacted my relationships with women. I know it is because many months ago, something happened with a complete stranger who was phenomenally rude to me and it upset me HUGELY! Several days later when I saw my counselor,I told her about it and started crying really badly again. She was surprised and immediately knew,that this was tapping into other pain because there was simply no reason for me to be that upset. But before I told her about what happened at the church, she asked me why I hadn't just done thus-and-so, and I said it was because I was afraid I would seem to be being mean. So, I have to find where it's hurting so bad and deal with it, especially since it affects my ability to trust and be friends with other women.
Speaking of other women, my friend and I got together for lunch and had a great time. I showed her a lot of my decorating pictures and she gave me some great advice. It was fun! She's pretty much the only friend I trust a ought to be myself with.
I found that my hospital has a cardiac rehabilitation department. I read up on its and it is exactly what I need. You are one-on-one with a cardiac trainer, three times a week for an hour at a time, and I read the notes she copied for me and I saw that she wants me to do this for six weeks. I called the rehab center today, but they apparently close at 3:00. So I'll try again tomorrow.
Tomorrow is my spot compression and possibly ultrasound test. I hope it isn't a situation like what happened about 8 years ago when that specialist wanted to take out a lump,and I wouldn't let her. I would really rather not have to go through having biopsies taken without any pain killer again!
I've been pretty tense the last three nights and have not been able to sleep until I put on my sleep headphones and listened to new age piano solos on pandora.
So, that's it for today. I on my want to work on my house tomorrow, but I have this test to do, and several errands to run, and a "come-to-Jesus" talk to have with my housekeeper about a LOT of things she has really been slacking off on.
And I MUST and WILL go to the chiropractor tomorrow to put this ankle back in place!
I hate running errands SO MUCH!!
Cheers!
Lisa
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