Dear Reader,
Since it's Good Friday, I feel like I should say something profound. But, I don't think I've got anything tonight. I will, though, share some of the most beautiful and profound verses from Isaiah 53 regarding the Christ with you.
4 Surely he took up our infirmities and carried our sorrows, yet we considered him stricken by God, smitten by him, and afflicted. 5 But he was pierced for our transgressions, he was crushed for our iniquities; the punishment that brought us peace was upon him, and by his wounds we are healed. 6 We all, like sheep, have gone astray, each of us has turned to his own way; and the LORD has laid on him the iniquity of us all. 7 He was oppressed and afflicted, yet he did not open his mouth; he was led like a lamb to the slaughter, and as a sheep before her shearers is silent, so he did not open his mouth. though he had done no violence, nor was any deceit in his mouth.... 11 After the suffering of his soul, he will see the light [of life] and be satisfied; by his knowledge my righteous servant will justify many, and he will bear their iniquities. 12 Therefore I will give him a portion among the great, and he will divide the spoils with the strong, because he poured out his life unto death, and was numbered with the transgressors. For he bore the sin of many, and made intercession for the transgressors.
Talking about my day seems irreverent after reading these verses. But I'll go ahead and share some thoughts.
This is day 28, and I have had no major reformations or break-throughs. I have not made incredible progress on getting the house ready for moving. My health is not improved, if anything, I am learning that I have more health problems than I knew. I do not greet the day enthusiastically and jump out of bed, ready to pursue my goals. I still feel overwhelmed by my life much of the time.
But that does by no means indicate that the discipline of keeping this blog has been a waste of time ... though reading it may have been! Instead, for more than 100 days I have had my eye on my goal. I have also been steadily reminded of how far I am from reaching my goals and how responsible my own choices are for that. I am resistant to any change that requires anything of me. Any REAL sacrifice. Hopefully I've had some important battles with my will and have realized how often I have lost these battles. I've also realized how low my motivation is, and how low my levels of hope are. I've lost my motivation because I've lost my hope. And that's why learning about the additional health problems is significant. The more I understand what is going on in my body, the more I can begin to hope for a better future. The more I understand the ways in which my body is the hindrance often, and not just my mind, the better I can understand that I am not a wretch. If I can believe that I am doing about the best I can with what I have to work with, then I can quit reviling myself for not doing better and can begin to recognize small successes and gains. If I can recognize these things, then I can quit being so angry at myself when I fail. I can see the value in and actually believe in the value of baby steps. Giant leaps, whether for mankind or just for me are overrated.
So tonight I will take stock of the small ways I have improved, the small, successful battles of will-power I have had with myself. I can be happy with just the understanding that change means to fight resistance and recognize the shocking power of stasis, even psychological stasis.
I am learning, in fact, that it's not just about resistance and will power and winning battles. It is also just seeing that these goals are MY goals and being in agreement with them day after day after day. I can be glad that I am now on a PATH and not just in a PLACE.
Cheers!
Lisa
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