Day 30 - Calming Down

Dear Reader,

I went to the luncheon,  fighting myself every step of the way. I was quite late, but it's not a big deal because lots of people come even an hour and a half late.  It's a very informal group.  But she called me two times before I got there!  I wouldn't pick up the phone or listen to her messages. I finally sent her a text when I left telling her that I would be there shortly.  I was in such a bad mood going there.  I knew my counselor would say, "hold on to you, hold on to your sense of self."  So, I started telling myself who I am.  Then I started telling myself that she hadn't done anything wrong last night, she had just shown who she is, and I already know who she is.  

I realized something today that helps explain why I reacted so intensely last night and continued being messed up today.  I've never dealt with that memory before.  Not that it was suppressed, but it had never come back to me till she brought it up.  So, not only did I have to deal suddenly with a new awful memory; but I was being dragged into it be her.  It also brought back how she never would get counseling or stay on anti-depressants.  She has never been willing to do anything that would reveal herself to herself.  She did for a short while one time about fifteen years ago when I made it a condition of her seeing my kids.   But that's a story for another day.  Maybe.  

The ladies are very special to me and gave me a little gift and a card they wrote.  Lovely. The lady sitting next to some spoke quietly to. E and said she was very worried about what would happen to my mother after we moved.  Unwritten behind the comment seemed to be an accusation.  But that could totally be something I came up with that was un intended by her. 

I was nice to mom, though I didn't talk to her much. She was in a lot of pain and I helped her to her car and texted her to see if she had gotten home ok.  Right now I'm feeling mostly just sad. Sad that she is mentally ill.  Sad for the family life we never had.  Sad for how badly she hurt us, including my father.  Sad for her.  But very, very grateful for husband who had a limited understanding of how crazy she was, but married me anyway!  

I'm on my way to the Y to swim. Unless I can think of enough things I can/should do before I go.  If I time this right, I will run out of time to go exercise at all!

Lisa