Dear Readee,
So much for thinking I had gotten past the pain from that church blow-up. My dreams say otherwise. First dream, that I can still remember, I was driving some former high school people through a hugely tangled and frightening web of freeways in a huge city and could hear them talking in the back of the car about how no one could remember me. Second dream ... nope, it's gone now. Third dream was still as an adult, but at some event with former classmates (a mix of high school and college) and I had given three or four of my most important friends an art print as a gift. One of them just set it down and walked away because she said it was too heavy for her to carry. I overheard another telling people she didn't know who I was or why I'd given her this picture. Another one, who was actually one of my bridesmaids, said thanks for the picture, but she didn't know who I was. Then the person who was my best friend through high school, and who is still a special friend, told me that no one remembered me from high school because I was never around. This dream ended with me walking away after telling her that I could never have any friends because of my mother.
This last was true. Until my senior year in high school I could never have friends over. Mother was extremely jealous of anyone I was friends with, so I quickly learned to not tell her anything that indicated I had a friend. This is still true. I did not tell her that I had lunch with my friend yesterday, for example. Our house was filthy and ugly, my mother wore one pair of knit pants and a man' shirt in an ugly mustard color with her gray hair in a ponytail. And I never knew when she would fly into a rage screaming in fury, or when she would go into screaming, weeping hysterics. She was some better my senior year so I had my youth group over a few times and even had a sleepover once.
At this church I was so happy and felt like I had so any friends. Then I found out I was wrong.
So ... I'm not going to get away scot free going back through all this after all. Rats.
Lisa
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