Day 13 - Just saw that this was still a draft.

Dear Reader, 

I was pretty discouraged yesterday and today.  But on the way home from a doctor's office, the Mandisa song, "Overcomer" came on the radio.  I've not been a huge fan of the song, but it really meant a lot to me today and encouraged me a lot.  I had what I call "Holy Spirit goose bumps" all over me, even on my face! 

Here's what's going on.  I saw my doctor about my kidneys.  He's concerned because this is a pretty sudden dive in filtration rate.  In October, I think, it was 60.  Then it's down to 45 five months later. The renal ultrasound came back normal, so no tumors or blockages.  He is doing a pretty big work up so that all the tests will have been done when I see the nephrologist so he can start right in on everything.  I have to do a 24-hour urine collection, which is always FUN!  Nothing quite like storing your urine in a jug in the refrigerator!!  He said he hoped I wasn't getting into a renal-immune something something.  I asked what that us and, apparently, if your immune system is over-activated and making tons of antibodies, you can actually clog up the little filters in your kidneys.  Good grief.  There was some other things also, but it's late and I'm tired and don't reall ywant to go into it all.  

I saw the orthopedic doc today and got two cortisone shots in the first joint of my big toe.  LOTS of fun!  I didn't cuss, but I sure did blaspheme once!  When he did the second shot I told him I wasn't going to blaspheme that time, but I was going to cuss like a Texan! I then explained to him that any real Texan makes a two-syllable word out of "shit"!  Happily enough, though, I didn't even cuss with the second shot.  I've got osteo-arthritis and he told me that some little nodes you cam see in my thumb joints are some complicated-name nodes that means I have the genetics for it.  I think it's really weird that it causes you to grow more bone cells.  That's what forms the spurs and the gnarled knuckles old people have.  

I am just constantly exhausted.  I had to show the house again today.  Was not impressed with the candidate or his wife.  At least it wasn't as distressing as it was yesterday.  If anything it's highlighting to me how fantastic the house we will be going to is!

Tomorrow is an insane day.  I show the house at 11:00.  Meet some people in my husband's office for a goodbye coffee at 1:30, then there is a farewell reception and a goodbye speech at 3:30. At 6:00 there will be another reception and art show, and at 7:00 there will be a tribute dinner!  Wow!  Wish I hadn't written that all out right before going to bed!  Hope I'm able to go to sleep now.  

I did get some work done in my study tonight.  There was a reception and dinner, but I didn't go to it.  I stayed home and worked on that.  Soooo veeeery close to being finished! Surely I'll be finished by the end of the weekend!  I even got some more work done on the winter/summer clothes.  

I haven't talked to my daughter for two days.  I'd be getting worried, but she's posted on Facebook so I know she's ok.  

Tired, tired, tired!!

Good night!

Lisa
P.S.  The tornado in Mississippi missed my brother by less than two miles.  I hope neither you nor your loved ones have been harmed by the rash of tornados we've had this week.  

Day 14 - Ugh

Dear Reader,  

I did not like today. I'm pretty discouraged and don't want to talk about it.  

Later, dude.

Lisa

Day 15 - Very Short Update

Dear Reader,

My joint is back in place!  It's all very tender, but back where it belongs.  Just woke up that way.  

We were threatened with tornados and severe weather all day today.  Schools let out at 1:00, but not a thing has happened!  I did go out and get all my errands done to try to beat the rain.  It never came, but I'm glad to have finished everything.  

I got a fair amount of work done today, but I still have SO much to get done before I show the house tomorrow.  

Picture got super angry/upset at my mom this evening because she started going on about how obamacare has death panels set up to decide who gets treatment and who doesn't.  Just drove me crazy!

My brother in Mississippi had a tornado go nearby, but it missed him by two miles.  

No exercise today, but I did lay down and sleep again this afternoon because I was so tired.  

I have to show the house tomorrow, go to two doctor's  appointments, get a manicure and go to a dinner, so it's going to be a super tight day,  

Here's to survival!

Lisa

Day 16 - The Calm Before the Storm!

Dear Reader,

It's 11:06 pm and I am in the tub trying to relax my back and washing my hair.  I got lured into buying the Wen products and then kept forgetting to cancel them.  So I'm trying to use them up now.  They're okay, but doing your hair takes a good bit longer.  Plus pumping this container over wind over hurts my shoulder pretty bad.  If you don't know what I'm talking about, it's the "wash your hair without using soap!" Products that will pop up on your screen from time to time.  Anyway ...

I've spent some time thinking about how I want tonight to go and this is my conclusion:  I don't want to stay up ridiculously late which  means that I don't waste time on the evil iPad.  So I feed the dogs and cat, set out my clothes for tomorrow, take my supplements, neaten up the bed, and even prepared my to-do list for tomorrow.  Then I got in the tub, did my hair, washed my face, turned on my iPad and came straight to this page and started writing!  I WISH!

I got immediately distracted by some pages open on my browser which had collages on them. I have to replace three photo collages and am looking for replacements.  Since I don't like the current look of all the various small frames all joined together, it has not been easy finding what I want.  So, I got caught up in that some and then started looking at fabrics!  I knew that was a dark hole so I did get that turned off quickly!

I got into a lot of bad habits after I quit taking ambien and the insomnia problems from tension were so bad. I developed a lot of routines that kept my brain busy until I finally reached a pint of exhaustion and knew I could go to sleep.  I did this because the option was to turn off the lights and go rigid with tension and be miserable.  But I am going to sleep much better now, but now I have to break all my bad habits and rituals I used to do to be able to sleep.  

But, I'm trying to work on REST!  Being rested!  Resting!  Such a new word in my vocabulary that I have to practice using it!  I did pretty well this weekend I think.  I took a nap yesterday and slept for two hours, and I took a nap today and slept for an hour and a half.  I'm pretty tired now, but the only thing I have left to do is read my Bible after I finish my bath and drying my hair, etc.  it's already 11:23, though! 

Oh, I also got caught up in wrong on all the boxes of clothes I'm going through in the hall as I empty out my winter and autumn clothes from the closet.  Probably spent about 20 minutes doing that until I remembered - oh, yeah! I want to go to bed tonight!

My husband preached at a black church this morning.  The pastor is a special friend to, and he asks my husband to speak from time to time.  Usually he asks him to come teach, but this time it was to preach.  And, you know, every white preacher preaches better in a black church, and my husband was no exception!  The only problem was that the service was about two and a half hours long!  At the end everyone came up to hug us and tell us goodbye.  The pastor did something really soecial.  He asked one of the women and one of the men to come up and convey their on behalf of the church, and it was very moving.  

We got home and I started making lunch when our son came in the door.  Usually the two kids show up together on one weekend afternoon.  But this a time one came on Saturday and the other came on Sunday! So I got no work done today either.  Don't worry.  I know what spending time with them is more important than working ... I'm just saying!  I made grits for breakfast which I served with orange juice and fresh strawberries.  Then I made fish tacos for lunch with some fresh pico de gallo I made.  Yum!!  Then we went out to eat and I had veggies.  I started to order some spiked lemonade, but my husband had a fit, so I didn't.  And I didn't get popcorn at the movie or eat all my fries.  So I did make some good choices for my kidneys: less protein today, less salt, and no alcohol.  That's all I know to do right now.  I'm still not hardly peeing, though and I don't know what's up with that!

After dinner, we went to see Captain America.  Am I a bad person if I thought it was pretty boring?? It was better than the Johnny Depp movie we saw last week at least!  You just have to have the dry humor they incorporate into the Iron Man movies!  And Captain America doesn't have any of the angst that Iron Man has or the inner conflict, so he is a more shallow character.  And even though Scarlett Johansson is in Captain America, there is ZERO sexual tension.  Shall I continue offering my sage thoughts about movies based on comic books??  :-). I think not!

We have some major storms moving in at midnight but, seeing as how it is now 11:41, I don't think I'm going to make my goal of being asleep before then!

You know I said yesterday that I'm all about work? Well here's how MUCH I'm all about work.  My pelvic joint is out of place.  I've had very painful muscle spasms and been in nearly constant pain.  I can't lift my foot up from the floor by more than a foot because the joint is out and it just won't work.  I can't lift it more than 9 inches without my joint hurting really bad.  BUT ... I had to really consider whether or not to take the time tomorrow to go see the chiropractor!  I thought, "The pain is at a bearable level now, it's bad but bearable, and you've got SO MUCH WORK to do tomorrow!  I squashed that thought, but it took some effort!

I had a random thought during the movie.  You know I demolished my nails again last night (?) at the Mexican food restaurant.  Well, as I was sitting there is suddenly thought, "Why would you want to destroy part of your body because you are feeling stressed?  This is your body! Why would you want to tear your nail off and bite off your cuticles.  You want to care for your body, not tear it up!"  So that was a new thought.  Instead of just, "Quit doing this!  This is awful! Look how terrible your nails look! What's wrong with you that you do this all the time???!"  So, well see if I can roll with that and quit tearing up my nails because I love myself and I love my body and I want to take care of it well.  

12:01 am. I'm running a tub of fresh water to rinse my hair and body well in clear water.  I've shaved, conditioned my hair and exfoliated my skin - I love doing that!  I feels so awesome smooth after that, and have a facial mask on.  The only problem, though, is NOW I'M HUNGRY!  I have some gluten-free bread downstairs so I guess I'll go toast some before I go to bed.  

Tonight is the calm before the storm. This week is unbelievable.  Farewell receptions, speeches, dinners, my husbands art show, having the direct reports over for dinner, having coffee with a couple special to us, and three of the candidates are coming in for interviews.  I want to go to one interview of each, just as a spider on the wall, and then I have to give them a our of the house on Tuesday, Wednesday, and Thursday!  Plus I think ice got some doctor appointments thrown in here and there along with a mandatory manicure!  I have to go to the grocery store because I'm completely out of pet food and apple sauce: my last stop-gap before starvation!  I dint think I've ever run out of apple sauce before!

So, since the week is utterly impossible, I think I'm just going to take it in stride and star calm. That's the dream anyway!  Have a great week yourself!  It looks like practically half the country is in for some really bad weather, so stay safe!

Cheers,

Lisa

Day 17 - Accomplished NOTHING!!

Dear Reader,

This was a completely unproductive day.  I slept late, but not crazy late.  Because of my pelvic joint being out of place I can't lay   On my side, so I have to stay propped up with pillows under my knees to keep me on my back.  The pain got worse and worse as the day went on, but I should have thought to ice it, and that probably would have helped.  I just took a long hot bath in the jacuzzi and that jet action on my back relaxes the muscles a lot and eases it up. Maybe it's relaxed enough to slip into place tonight!

I didn't want to put on my makeup or fix my hair this morning.  But I did it anyway since it's one of the things I'm focusing on.  As I did it I wondered why it's a problem for me to do this.  I think I understand it better now.  I all about working, doing, accomplishing, marking chores off my to-do list.  So taking the time to put on my makeup and fix my hair and get dressed nice is time that stands between me and what I apparently think is my purpose in life ... to work.  To take the time for myself to look nice is to say that I am about more than work.  Taking the time to make. myself look nice forces me to put attention on myself, rather than just the jobs ahead of me.  It makes me take the time to'thunk about my BEING before I let myself get about to DOING.  So that's why it sets up an immediate psychological dischord in myself.  Hmmmm ... interesting.  So I think it is important that I do keep doing this, especially when I think it is taking up too much time from working.  

I had just started my prayer time along with a cup of tea when my daughter came walking in.  I knew it.  I finished my prayer time and my Bible reading and then spent the rest of the day with her.  She and I had ordered her some work clothes when Loft had a 40% off sale.  Boy, when you apply that to their sales clothes, you can get some fantastic deals!  She tried things on for me and I went through my clothes and had her try on some things I was going to give away.  I have this one beautiful dres in got last year that is white, fit-and-flare with a beautiful floral print on the top and on the bottom of the skirt.  She doesn't like florals at all, but I talked her into just trying it on.  I heard her say, "I hate you!" as she came walking towards my bedroom!  It looked beautiful on her!  Mom is right yet again! 

I did get some work done in my closet, changing out my seasonal clothes.  But I'm leaving in more things for cool weather since I guess New York may still be cool at the first of June .  The hall is a mess with totes full of clothes in all different stages. I'm giving away lots of things I have been hanging onto, thinking I would lose the five, ten, fifteen pounds needed to get back in them.  No more!  

I had learned that a health food store opened up in our town, so my daughter and I went to check it out.  It's so darling!  It's quite small right now, and is like a miniature Whole Foods.  But we found lots of neat stuff and bought it.  I fixed us lunch at home and we ate outside in the lovely weather.  By the time she left, though, I was exhausted for some reason and had to go to bed.  Slept for two hours!  

I did, against all odds, get some yoga in today.  I focused just on getting to the mat.  I was really worried about my back so I just did some light stretching.  Even just doing a downward dog hurt.  

My husband had an event, so I stayed home while he was gone, but he just stayed for a few minutes.  Then we watched a little tv and I got in the jacuzzi and ... here we are.  I won't be able to take time with my daughter like today very soon, so I shouldn't feel like,I got nothing done.  Tomorrow doesn't look good for working either.  My husband is preaching at a church tomorrow.  I will need to go see my mother and my husband and I are going out on a date that evening.  So nothing much will get done tomorrow.  I have to start showing the house on Monday morning.  I don't see how I can possibly have it even neatened in time.  I'm not even unpacked from the trip yet, I can't bend over to move things or put things away, and their are clothes everywhere.  The candidate coming Monday is my least favorite, though, so is not goingbtomworry about it too much.  

That's it for now.  Just a quick check-in.  Oh, one other thing.  My kidneys haven't been doing much since we got back from the trip.  I've noticed before that when I get too tired, they seem to just quit for a few days until I'm rested again.  When I still had virtually no pee after sleeping for two hours, I got a little concerned.  But after eating dinner I finally actually needed to pee! I hope you're not saying to yourself, "Too much information!"  This whole BLOG is too much information!  Apparently there is some medicine they can out you in that increases your output, but I hope I don't have to get on that.  

Cheers!
Lisa

Day EIGHTEEN!!!

Dear Reader, 
How, when and where did I get my day count off so badly???  Eighteen days left?!  That's insane.  I have got more time actually, since I came get moved in until after June 1. But still, I thought I had more time.  I mean, we are in the teens now!  I have to show the house to presidential candidates beginning Monday and have a lot to do this weekend to be at all ready for them.  

I wasn't able to get a thing done today.  I was in a lot of pain last night and it was very late when I went to sleep.  I didn't go downstairs to ice my back because I couldn't handle the idea of coming back up the stairs.  Even today, the joint is not spasming, but it's not in place either.  I can barely lift the leg enough to get it in and out of the bathtub.  Ugh.  At least I'm not having to ask for help.  

I'm up too late because I'm still looking at decorating pictures thinking that if I just click in one more link, I'll find the perfect thing!  

I has the ultrasound today.  The technician kept telling me to hold my breath but would forget to tell me when I could breathe again!  I see my doctor next week and will get the results and then see the nephrologist the week after that.  I apparently do still have an appointment with the autonomic nervous system disorders specialist since I got a text reminder today.  And I finally made an appointment with a local bone and joint kind of doctor about my right big toe.  It has been hurting for months now.  I can't quite pinpoint the pain, but it's pretty bad at times so I decided to have someone look at it.  I'm facing up to a lot of things these days!

After the ultrasound I met with the girl I mentored before.  We had a great visit and chatted for about four hours!  The I ran up to a a little Mexican food place that seems to be family-owned and operated.  The food, like, never came!  I finally had to go find someone and tell them I was out of time and I would need it to go.  I think I was there altogether for about an hour!  I got nervous about twenties since my husband was waiting for me at home to watch something together, and I chewed off almost all my fingernails again!  All the way to the quick.  Darn! 

So, I'm working on the idea of "how do I want to live my life?"  Making some headway on that.  Of course, the first issue is, who is "I"?  My self-walls have never been very strong.  But I know that I do want prayer, Bible study, meditation, exercise and yoga to be foundational in it.  That's a start.  

Too tired to be contemplative!  

It's kind of sad, but it think,the girl I mentored and visited with today has rejected Christ.  I didn't question her hard on it, but asked some questions that I hoped would help her to at least see that she has adopted some beliefs that cannot be consistent with faith in the redemptive work of Jesus.  She was a new "Believer" when I started mentoring her, so I think now,that she probably wasn't fully a Christian then.  Although I could SEE her heart visibly moved when I was talking about the verse where Jesus talks about the strong man who enters the house at night and steals the treasures, and that Jesus is the strong man and we are the treasures he steals from the dominion of Satan.  I could see her eyes light up with joy ... so maybe, maybe she is.  She wasn't raised in any religion at all and knew nothing when I started teaching her.  A professor had more influence on her than I did, obviously, and led her in another direction.  But the end of the story isn't written yet!

I'm very annoyed with myself for tearing off my nails and then getting lost for a while looking at fabrics online.  Tomorrow's a fresh day ... if I'll just let go,of THIS day and go to sleep!

Night, night!

Lisa

Day ? - Crazy Bad Pain!

Dear Reader,  

Oh my gosh!  My back came out on the plane.  My left pelvic joint that was injured in that car wreck seven years ago, especially. The whole thing went into spasms which are horrible.  It's been worse, but this is pretty darn bad.  I've had 40 mg of prednisone, 3 Motrin, and .25 Xanax and I have been in the jacuzzi for about an hour at this point.  I think it's starting to ease up a bit.  I may be going downstairs to watch some a Parks and Rec or Big Bang while I ice my back to try to get the inflammation down.  SO glad I have a Prolotherapy treatment scheduled already. But, let me tell you something, when he puts a five-inch needle down in between my sacrum-il(come through for me here. Spellcheck!), sacrum-ilium (yes!!) joint ... that's a type of pain you long remember!  So that can inform you what my level of pain is right now that I'm looking forward to that injection!!

The trip to New York went very well.  The suit and top I ordered from Ann Taylor got in, looked great, and fit!  I already had the perfect shoes, purse, and jewelry; so it all pulled together nicely.  BUT!  My electric rollers wouldnt work .  I had plugged them in, the light was on, but they were stone cold!  I carry a flat-iron with me, thankfully, so I whipped it out and plugged it in, but it wouldn't heat either! So I realized then that it had to be a bad plug!  (If you're my age you may remember Steve Martin in "The Jerk". Do you remember when he is working at the gas station and the guy is shooting at him, but missing him over and over but hitting the oil cans?  Okay, then, do you remember when Steve Martin yells, "He hates these cans!!!" Ok, then you know what I sounded like when I said, "It must be the plug!!!")

So, I ran and plugged the rollers in in a different plug, confidant that they would work now.  They didn't!  So I then grabbed the flat-urn and plugged it in and it heated up right away.  Two problems, though. I am no good at sung a flat-urn in the first place and I am now already late to meet the driver who is waiting for me in the lobby!  I would have put it up, but husband had specifically requested that I wear it down. So, I take a few swipes at it and call it done and went on out to the lobby where I walked up to the driver and said, I kid you not!, "Howdy!"  Howdy???  Seriously?  In New York, the first thing out of my mouth is "Howdy!"  I mean, yes, I'm a Texan and all, but I don't ever say howdy except when in joking around! But there it was, hanging right there in a bubble in front of my mouth.  So, I have definitely begun my reputation as being the ultra-sophisticated woman that I am!

The phot-shoot was informal with the two of us outside and I hope they turned out ok.  My last publicity shot was four years ago and I was wearing my hair much shorter.  I probably need a new one.  

Then our realtor and I went to the house and looked it over closely and took a lot of measurements. It's so pretty.  The current owners have it decorated entirely in monotones, so I can't wait to get turned lose in it with paint, furniture, paper and fabric!

We were taken out to dinner that night by the chairman-of-the-board and his wife.  Lovely people!   And two of their kids live in the same town our two kids live in.  Happily, I checked the menu out first and was able to eat there easily.  

While we were talking, though, they mentioned the board meeting the next morning and I realized I had forgotten to bring anything to wear to it!  I had three pairs of jeans with me, but nothing else dressy.  So I didn't pay close attention to the conversation for a bit while I figured out what to wear.  I wore the ivory skirt from the suit, the black, short-sleeved, side-ruched, jewel-neck sweater I was wearing at the dinner with different jewelry, a wide-belt and a beautiful black and white tweed-type jacket I had brought to wear with my jeans and a white top.  I wore the black, patent, kitten-heeled sandals that I wore to the dinner, but without hose so they had a different look, especially with my classic red pedicure.  I found that Sally Hanson has a cream version of their spray-on hose and, if you mix it half and half with lotion and then apply it, you get a very nice look.  

Well, there's so much more to tell, but I have to get this back under control.  

Lots to do tomorrow.  The renal ultrasound is tomorrow and a girl I mentored for quite a while wants to come by to visit one last time.  And I have to give a tour if the entire house, including the basement, Monday.  Ugh!  My husband has an event tomorrow night so still least I won't have to out together a dinner.   Another big job tomorrow is figuring out what dat I'm on now!  If Sunday was the 27th, today is Thursday so four days later ... I guess that means today is Day 23. Thankfully I'm far too tired to panic!

Okay, tell me if I'm being a little bit mean-spirited here, but I was researching some stuff which led me to a woman's blog and saw that she also was trying to get healthier and she said she had an autoimmune disorder.  So I checked out her health section and she has LOW THYROID!!  And that is NOT an auto-immune disorder.  Heck, I've had Kuwait-thyroid for more than a decade.  (I left that spellcheck error up just for your enjoyment. How it turned "low-thyroid into "Kuwait-thyroid I'll never know!). I'm on supplements and routine testing, etc.  So ... was that mean of me when my thoughts were, "You call THAT health problems????!"

Later!
Lisa

Day 27 - Christ Is Risen!!!

Dear Reader, 

He is risen indeed!  

I love this antiphonal declaration of the Resurrection!  I played the organ for a Catholic Church for many years in my teens, and this is one of my favorite things I came away from that with.  I am so glad to see it spreading out further into the Protestant arena.  

Christ is risen ... even if this was a miserable day! 

I haven't gotten much sleep, this weekend because of tension.  We had planned on going to church with my mother since both of my brothers are here and my sister-in-law.  But, then I found out that she goes to church at 8:30!  So that didn't happen!  Instead our daughter met us at the church we have been going to for their 11:00 service.  We came home and I started making a big Sunday lunch for everyone.   I'm sure I've already complained a out how bad my kitchen is for cooking in, so I won't go into that.  But I was racing and getting dinner ready very quickly with lots and lots of walking  in the kitchen and back and forth to the formal dining room.  My brother texts asking if he can bring his poodle and I said I would rather he didn't because my dogs would go crazy.  He said ok, and to let him know when I wanted them to come for lunch.  So I texted back and said why don't y'all come one now.  So I'm still cooking and racing around and I don't get any response.  So I texted my mother.  No response.  So after a few more minutes, I text my other brother and he texts back and says they'll be coming "shortly"!  Well, I'm hot and tired and frazzled and had expected some help from the, , so I text back and say that were eating in ten minutes, with the implied message of "with or without you!"  Our son was sitting at the kitchen table sketching and he reached out and patted my back and says, "Mom, you're so close to,having made it!  If you can just hold out for,twenty more minutes without freaking out!"  So, that made me laugh. But when they got here, my sister-in-law wasn't with them because she had stayed at the house to be with their DOG because they had already been away from her for,three hours and she doesn't do good when they're away!!!  No, in all fairness, the dog had a surgery about a week ago and is still not feeling very well.  But, come on!!!!  I could,probably be described as "blowing a gasket". I said ... well, let's just move on, shall we! But I told my brother to tell her to get herself here now, we weren't going to have Easter lunch without her!  He starts saying no, that she didn't want to leave the dog alone and she was fine.  Mom interceded before I took his head off and told him to GO GET HER!  So he said okay, and then started to leave, but turned around to continue a conversation he was having with my other brother! I was really mad by then and told him to GO!  He said, well, just let him finish telling him about this ..." And I went ballistic!  I think you could probably describe my voice as "yelling" but hopefully not, "shrieking"!  I said, "NO!!!  GO GET HER NOW!!  I HAVE A HOT DINNER ON THE TABLE!!!!"

So, he goes gets her and she carries the dog in and I say tell her there is a dog bed in the study, and that she can't come in the dining room, I don't let my dogs in the dining room.  S she put her in the study and out a doggie gate up and went to sit down and eat.  The dog started whining so I went and talked to her for a minute and then shut the door.  So,the rest of our meal was accompanied by the sound of her scratching on the study door non-stop!  After a while my mother got to feeling very tired and asked to go home, so they left and no one helped me to clean up.  

So, it was just a lovely time!  

She sent me a text apologizing this evening and saying it had been a very bad call on her part.  But the thing is, I think it all started with my brother saying HE was going to stay home with the dog because HE didn't want to leave her alone, and my sister-in-law said that he had to go be with his family, so she would stay.  My mom was super annoyed with both of them over it.  My other brother just stays cool over things like this.  It's hard to ruffle his feathers, although our brother can make him madder than anyone, faster than anyone!  When they have some reason to travel together, the rest of us literally PRAY for them, that they won't have disowned each other bynthentime they get where they're going!  

That was my Easter family story!  I sincerely hope that you have suitably harrowing family holidays you could,tell me about and it's not just my family!  I told my kids that that was the last time I was the one who fixed the family holiday dinner, to which they both said, "You say that every year!"

Our daughter the went to,her boyfriend's family for their Easter dinner.  My son and I sat outside and talked for a good while and had a really nice visit. Then I went to bed and slept for probably two or three hours.  

But, Christ is risen!  Let the earth be glad!

Tomorrow is,fresh start number, gee ... I don't remember which number at this point ... Four?  Let's say four.  The only thing I have to do during the day is get a manicure and plan clothes for,the trip to New York, by which I mean, find out what clothes I can squeeze into,without ripping some seams!  And get a manicure.  Other than that I do NOTHING but work in my study!!  Oh, and I have a dinner and speech I have to go to in the evening, but that's all.  If I can get packed, too, that would be great.  Urgent question now is ... do I wear my hair up or down for,the photos?  Oh, darn.  I have to go see my brothers tomorrow,,too.  They came down to see me before I leave, so I,guess it's mandatory.  We'll see. 

Here's to dysfunctional families, and the God who loved them enough to send His only begotten Son for their salvation!

Cheers!

Lisa

Day 28 - Assessment

Dear Reader,  

Since it's Good Friday, I feel like I should say something profound.  But, I don't think I've got anything tonight.  I will, though, share some of the most beautiful and profound verses from Isaiah 53 regarding the Christ with you.  

 4 Surely he took up our infirmities and carried our sorrows, yet we considered him stricken by God, smitten by him, and afflicted. 5 But he was pierced for our transgressions, he was crushed for our iniquities; the punishment that brought us peace was upon him, and by his wounds we are healed. 6 We all, like sheep, have gone astray, each of us has turned to his own way; and the LORD has laid on him the iniquity of us all. 7 He was oppressed and afflicted, yet he did not open his mouth; he was led like a lamb to the slaughter, and as a sheep before her shearers is silent, so he did not open his mouth.  though he had done no violence, nor was any deceit in his mouth.... 11 After the suffering of his soul, he will see the light [of life] and be satisfied; by his knowledge my righteous servant will justify many, and he will bear their iniquities. 12 Therefore I will give him a portion among the great, and he will divide the spoils with the strong, because he poured out his life unto death, and was numbered with the transgressors. For he bore the sin of many, and made intercession for the transgressors.

Talking about my day seems irreverent after reading these verses.  But I'll go ahead and share some thoughts.  

This is day 28, and I have had no major reformations or break-throughs.  I have not made incredible progress on getting the house ready for moving. My health is not improved, if anything, I am learning that I have more health problems than I knew.  I do not greet the day enthusiastically and jump out of bed, ready to pursue my goals.  I still feel overwhelmed by my life much of the time.  

But that does by no means indicate that the discipline of keeping this blog has been a waste of time ... though reading it may have been!  Instead, for more than 100 days I have had my eye on my goal.  I have also been steadily reminded of how far I am from reaching my goals and how responsible my own choices are for that.  I am resistant to any change that requires anything of me.  Any REAL sacrifice.  Hopefully I've had some important battles with my will and have realized how often I have lost these battles.  I've also realized how low my motivation is, and how low my levels of hope are.  I've lost my motivation because I've lost my hope.  And that's why learning about the additional health problems is significant.  The more I understand what is going on in my body, the more I can begin to hope for a better future.  The more I understand the ways in which my body is the hindrance often, and not just my mind, the better I can understand that I am not a wretch.  If I can believe that I am doing about the best I can with what I have to work with, then I can quit reviling myself for not doing better and can begin to recognize small successes and gains.  If I can recognize these things, then I can quit being so angry at myself when I fail.  I can see the value in and actually believe in the value of baby steps.  Giant leaps, whether for mankind or just for me are overrated.  

So tonight I will take stock of the small ways I have improved, the small, successful battles of will-power I have had with myself.  I can be happy with just the understanding that change means to fight resistance and recognize the shocking power of stasis, even psychological stasis.  

I am learning, in fact, that it's not just about resistance and will power and winning battles.  It is also just seeing that these goals are MY goals and being in agreement with them day after day after day.  I can be glad that I am now on a PATH and not just in a PLACE.  

Cheers!

Lisa

Day 29 -

Dear Reader, 

I went to the Y today, but it was not a pleasant experience. I had zero motivation.  The elliptical hurt my quads so I spent almost no time on it and got on the bike for a short while.  I had no strength, and I might as well have been 80 years old.  Very discouraging. 

It was confirmed today that I do have stage 3 chronic kidney disease.  I am scheduled to have a renal ultrasound done next week and my doctor is trying to get me in to see a nephrologist.  Although this is what I expected, it was a bit of a blow having it confirmed.  The kidneys may be what is causing the parathyroid problem.  

I talked to my mother today and am over being so angry at her.  She has Borderline Personality Disorder, and that's just the bottom line. I saw my counselor today and she was very helpful.  She said that I seem to have been caught off-guard again by seeing how destructive a BPD can be.  She asked if I could see how the two experiences, the present one of having her recount the incident, and the past one of having observed it, show very effectively the nature of BPD?  The current one, she had no remorse at all for her actions or what harm she caused any of us.  And the incident of the past showed her fear if abandonment, her misreading the note and interpreting it wrongly.  Her feeling of being betrayed by her child, her panic, wild emotions, and her complete loss of self during it.  I could see that.  

She then asked me what would have happened if Jesus had walked into the kitchen.  My first reaction was that He wouldn't!  It was too ugly, He couldn't be in such a place.  I immediately saw my error there, He came into the world, after all.  She asked me to envision it, what would happen if He walked into the room.  I kept trying to slip and slide out of doing it, but she kept coming back to it until I said ok. During all if this, by the way, I had the most AWFUL taste in my mouth! It was incredibly bad.   I closed my eyes and remembered the scene, and then I visualized Jesus walking into the room through the kitchen door. Then everything in the room froze, like a freeze-frame effect.  Jesus beckoned to me, my five-year-old self that I was, to come to Him.  I did and He knelt beside me and hugged me and kissed me on my forehead as He held my face in His hands.  Then He told me that He couldn't help any of them, indicating my family, because they couldn't even see Him.  He asked me if I was willing to be strong and to wait for Him to deliver me from this.  He said it would seem like a long time, but He would bring me out.  Was I willing to bring peace to my family just by ... being.  I said that I was, and He hugged me again and kissed my forehead again.  I went back to where I had been standing and He left and everything started up again.  All the hysteria and screaming and rage.  And that was it.  I did feel a lot easier after doing this. She asked me what the kiss meant and I said that it meant that I was a beloved child.  

I went to my daughter's apartment and we went to TJMaxx and bought her a shower curtain and a few other things for her apartment. Then we went out and got some sushi and I drove home.  

She is afraid to sleep in her bedroom and is sleeping on the couch so she can hear if someone comes in the door.  So I researched portable door locks and door alarms and ordered some for her two doors.  

I've stayed up very late.  I think I'm a little overwhelmed by everything that happened today and I've just stayed kind of zoned out.  I'm going to regret this very much tomorrow.  

Definitely not cheery today,
Lisa

Day 30 - Calming Down

Dear Reader,

I went to the luncheon,  fighting myself every step of the way. I was quite late, but it's not a big deal because lots of people come even an hour and a half late.  It's a very informal group.  But she called me two times before I got there!  I wouldn't pick up the phone or listen to her messages. I finally sent her a text when I left telling her that I would be there shortly.  I was in such a bad mood going there.  I knew my counselor would say, "hold on to you, hold on to your sense of self."  So, I started telling myself who I am.  Then I started telling myself that she hadn't done anything wrong last night, she had just shown who she is, and I already know who she is.  

I realized something today that helps explain why I reacted so intensely last night and continued being messed up today.  I've never dealt with that memory before.  Not that it was suppressed, but it had never come back to me till she brought it up.  So, not only did I have to deal suddenly with a new awful memory; but I was being dragged into it be her.  It also brought back how she never would get counseling or stay on anti-depressants.  She has never been willing to do anything that would reveal herself to herself.  She did for a short while one time about fifteen years ago when I made it a condition of her seeing my kids.   But that's a story for another day.  Maybe.  

The ladies are very special to me and gave me a little gift and a card they wrote.  Lovely. The lady sitting next to some spoke quietly to. E and said she was very worried about what would happen to my mother after we moved.  Unwritten behind the comment seemed to be an accusation.  But that could totally be something I came up with that was un intended by her. 

I was nice to mom, though I didn't talk to her much. She was in a lot of pain and I helped her to her car and texted her to see if she had gotten home ok.  Right now I'm feeling mostly just sad. Sad that she is mentally ill.  Sad for the family life we never had.  Sad for how badly she hurt us, including my father.  Sad for her.  But very, very grateful for husband who had a limited understanding of how crazy she was, but married me anyway!  

I'm on my way to the Y to swim. Unless I can think of enough things I can/should do before I go.  If I time this right, I will run out of time to go exercise at all!

Lisa

Day 30 - Still in Bed

Dear Reader,

So much for sleeping it off and feeling refreshed this morning.  Not happening!  I'm still kind of low-key freaked out and depressed.  And it doesn't help at all that I have to see my mother first thing this morning at a luncheon.  I love these older ladies.  They are all either retired professors or married to retired professors.  I used to love going to their luncheons, it was almost like a monthly refuge.  But then they found out I had a mother their age in town and started inviting her, which ruined it for me.  She expected me to sit by her and talk to her, which I wouldn't do.  And just seeing her trying hard to interact with these women when she has no social skills was painful.  She is more comfortable with them now, so at least that's better.  But she goes crazy jealous if she sees me being fond of anyone else, so I just basically quit going.  I already said I would go though because it's probably my last opportunity to see them.  It starts in 58 minutes and is a good 20 minute drive from here, so I should probably get out of bed now.  

I have always said that, when she dies, I'll regret every chance I had to take her to lunch, etc.  But then something like this happens and I think ... nope!  She knows I was mad when I got off the phone last night, but I said it was because I was having problems with a big bush and getting into a parking place. But she will likely be on her best behavior today. 

So I guess I will, reluctantly, get out of bed now.  I really do need to get away from her, though, and am so,thankful for this upcoming move!

Reluctantly!
Lisa

Day 31 - Some Pretty Extreme Emotions Today

Dear Reader,

lots to talk about tonight.  It's going on 12:00, but I'm going to have a hard time going to sleep tonight. 

Hmmm.  Let's talk about the good stuff first. 

1.  I do NOT have the Stress-Induced Anti-Diurectic Syndrome that my mother has.  If you don't know what it is, it has to do with the sodium level in your blood and your cells.  You don't have enough in your cells and so it flows out of your blood and into your cells.  If it does this enough, it throws off your electrolites and brings on confusion and convulsions and unconsciousness and death.  I was so amazed when they said there was actually something that I did not have!  Yea!

2.  I talked to a different physical therapist than the one I have spoken of before and have not gotten hold of.  I talked to him about the possibility of doing reconditioning training with me and gave him the information to talk to my doctor.  He emailed me and he has already emailed her so we'll see what happens. 

3.  I called and left a message to schedule a prolotherapy treatment today. 

4.  I talked to the endocrinologist's nurse about my lab reports and whether I need to see a nephrologist and could they refer me.  She said that that has to go through my primary care doctor, so I called and left a message for his nurse.  The person who answered the phone said that my lab reports had been received from the doctor. 

5.  I called the nephrology department and they said that, yep, it has to go through my primary care doctor. 

6.  I had a hard time waking up this morning and getting up, but I was able to keep myself awake and didn't fall back to sleep. 

7.  I called and made a hair appointment for a cut and color.  My publicity pictures for the new college will be taken next week ... at 10 am!  Which will be 9 am for me!  Like I'm even going to be alive at that time!

8.  I got a LOT done in my study with my books.  It is not outside the range of possibilities that I can finish it tomorrow.

9.  I had my last interaction with the chief horticulturist here at the university.  She is leaving and no one is going to miss her.  Literally.  I'm not being mean.

10.  I went to the store and bought groceries and cooked a very healthy dinner. 

11.  I made a healthy smoothie for breakfast this morning. 

12.  I was interrupted a lot by various physical plant people, but stayed focused and didn't get distracted. 

13.  I read my Bible and had my prayer time first thing after getting dressed and putting my makeup on. 

14.  I bought a York mint at the grocery store, but didn't devour it as soon as I got to the car.  In fact, I only had one bite of it!  The rest is still in my purse and I had actually forgotten about it. 

15.  I didn't have a Coke Zero with lunch because apparently dark carbonated sodas are bad for your kidneys. 

I'm trying to put down everything I can think of because, when I get to the bad stuff, there's going to be SO MUCH of it!

So, here it is

1.  I did not exercise at all.  I meant to go to the YMCA and get in the pool, but I kept working on my study and didn't get off in time to be able to do it.  

2.  I didn't get anything done in my closet, though I did go through one box of summer clothes and pulled out some to give away and what I will be wearing this summer.  

3.  I appear to be gaining more weight each day!

4.  It looks like I'll be going back to being a vegetarian since eating protein is bad on your kidneys.  I wasn't sure whether to put this in the good or the bad list.  

5.  I got furious with my mother and really agitated badly.  

I had already had a couple of interactions with her by phone and text earlier in the day.  But on my way to the grocery store, I saw a young man walking along who looked rough and like he'd been put away wet.  Looked like he was probably homeless or something.  Seeing him brought back to me very clearly some of the terrible times we went through with our son last year.  I was very afraid of him winding up on the streets and us never being able to find him again.  I had a mental image of this flash in my brain and it brought some of those emotions back again.  The dread, terror, anger, heartbreak, and disappointment.  

I think I must have had a big surge of cortisol or adrenaline because I couldn't shake it while I went to the grocery store.  When I came out, I decided to call my mother and tell her about it.  I did and she talked normally about it for a few minutes.  Then started in on how she is scared for my daughter to go to her apartment and to go upstairs and to walk up from her car and all these ridiculous things.  Our daughter's circumstances don't even compare to what happened with our son.  But, I just reassured her that she was in a very safe area, kept mace on her key ring, and was very competent.  

The conversation was a little rocky then, when all of a sudden she started telling this horrible story of something she did when we were kids.  She tells stories over and over and over again, always like they are the first time she's ever told it.  And this started when she was still young.  Its egocentrism, not age.  If you interrupt her and say, yes, you know, she will later make all sorts of accusations about how nobody is even interested in her telling us anything about her life.  When we know EVERY STORY BY HEART!!!  And she tells them each time with the same degree of melodrama that she always uses.  I may or may not have told you how, when I was a teenager, I would be with her at a store or some place and she would have an encounter with a person right there in front of me.  Usually she would have done or said something pretty bad, but I think I was beyond being able to be embarrassed.  Then, within about ten minutes, she would start telling me about this conversation she had had with this person at some previous time (not ten minutes ago, just sometime in the past.)  And she would retell the entire encounter to me as though I had never heard it before, and she would change it just enough to put her end of the conversation in a good light.  She would change the tone of voice she used while talking to this person and use a gentle, reasonable, polite voice when she had been strident and harsh.  

Anyway, she started telling this story of when she went absolutely CRAZY.  My oldest brother left a note that he was going to have to stay late after school for band practice and he needed to be picked up at a particular time and take to a church thing for teenagers.  She saw the note and read it, but didn't register ANY of it.  I don't know what she thought it said.  She says that she just didn't catch the part that he had to stay late, but that doesn't really work.  Anyway, I remember this happening.  She just went into hysteria and started screaming and was furiously angry at him.  She took my other brother, the middle one of us, in the car with her to go looking for the oldest brother.  I didn't know what she had been like in the car because she hadn't told me that part before.  But she did tonight and she said she was just weeping and calling out his name and yelling, "Where are you??"  And I'm pretty sure she means she was yelling this out the window.  She did say, "your poor brother (the middle one), in the car with me.  I wonder what he thought."  That's the first reflective thing she has ever said about this or any other things she's done.     And then she drove home to be able to use the phone and he was there and she went berserk.  Hydrogen bomb level berserk.  Started screaming at him in fury, just completely out of control. He kept saying, "I left you a note telling you I was going to be later and I needed you to pick me up and take me to the church.  But you never did so I finally walked home and just now go here!"  She kept screaming at him, saying that he hadn't done this, that she had read his note and he said nothing of the kind.  My father finally got her to read the note again and she saw that it was all spelled out right there.  So then she went into hysterics for having been so horrible to him.  I was around 5 or 6 when this happened.  I mostly just stood in the passage way between the kitchen and the dining room, watching all of this take place in the kitchen. 

Well, I don't want to hear these stories ANY MORE.  EVER.  I am sick of her telling them and excusing herself.  This time, though, she did say at the end, "and it was all my fault."  I was so angry at her.  Angry to the degree of just thinking, as soon as I could get off the phone, "I HATE YOU!  I HATE YOU!  I HAVE TO GET AWAY FROM YOU!  I CAN'T STAND YOU!  I NEVER WANT TO TALK TO YOU AGAIN.  GO AWAY FROM ME!!!!!!"

I had a hard time making dinner because of all this, and eventually calmed down pretty much, though I have remained disconsolate throughout the evening.  I've tried to examine how strong my response was to try to understand it.  I think part of it was that she was telling a story of one of her craziest times and making me live through it again; when that's the LAST thing I want to do!

I hate her attitude when she told it.  Like she was mildly perplexed by what she did and doesn't understand why she didn't read his note right or why she reacted the way she did.  But that's it.  I mean, this should be a WTF moment for her!  A realization that there is something WRONG with her and something that is HARMING us!  But no, just a little perplexed by it. 

But that doesn't explain the strength of my own reaction. I think part of it is it felt like being dragged back in time, back to that moment.   But I was kicking and screaming and fighting and saying, "NO!  YOU CAN'T TAKE ME BACK!!!"  I had always felt so eternally trapped there at home, and this was like being thrust back into it after I had finally escaped. 

And part of it was probably the juxtaposition of this rage and fight coming out of me emotionally; TONS of adrenaline and cortisol pumping to fight or to run ... but nothing to fight and no place to run away from.  Just the emotions.  I feel nothing but revulsion when I think of this part of my past.  I hate to talk about it, even if talking about something inane. 

I don't like being reminded of what a wretched family we were.  Of how miserable and afraid we were.  Of her rages.  I don't want to be reminded of how broken I was and how much hard work I've done getting to the place of healing where I am now.  A place that is still tenuous, as you can see.

And then, too, it upset me because she was bringing back into my consciousness this horrible story from my family's past, when I have tried so hard to write a different story for my family.  I see my counselor Wednesday, so maybe she'll be able to help me sort through that huge amount of emotion I experienced.  Maybe she caught me off guard.  I was talking about my family and in the middle of it she starts in on this, which has nothing to do with what I was saying.  I don't know, she just wears me out.  I have to go to a luncheon tomorrow and she'll be there, but I think I've burned off the adrenaline by now and am feeling calmer and like I can go to sleep after all. 

So, I guess that's it for today.  I hope to sleep this off tonight and wake up tomorrow fresh and resigned to move forward with fresh knowledge of how fragile my ability to be inured from the horrors of my past actually is; but encouraged, on the other hand, and ready to push forward again despite it. 

So, not a very cheery post, is it?  Sorry!  Hopefully I'll be better tomorrow.  Hopefully, at least, it won't be depressing to read!

In hope,

Lisa

Day 32 - I Was Wrong - It's Stage 3 CKD

Dear Reader, 

This will be short and sweet tonight.  It's almost 12:00 and my alarm is set for 7:30, my new wake-up time.  I couldn't sleep last night because I got tense, so I only got 5 hours of sleep.  I'll say, though that my husband's lesson this morning was really wonderful. It was about how do we pray about politics.  I wish I had time to tell you about it.  

So, I was at my mother's house this evening and was looking at her labs from 2012.  The notes said that she had stage 3 chronic kidney disease, but her eGFR was 57, which I thought had her at stage 2. The lower your number the worse you are. You should be above 90, 15 is kidney failure.  So, since I am at 45, that would mean that I was at stage 3, too!  I did some more research and, apparently, the ranking system most used has five stages, and I am right on the border between stage 3a and stage 3b.  I did a little poking around tonight at how to improve this.  Mostly I found people who wanted to sell me something ... not a good sign.  I also learned that I need to see a nephrologist, not a urologist, for this.  

I'm off to try to sleep.  Tomorrow is Monday!  YEAH!!!!  I'm on the Energy Bus!  I'm driving my bus!  And, yes, I am being completely sarcastic.  But it's going to be Monday tomorrow whether I want it to be or not, so I might as well get on board.  

Cheers!

Lisa

Day 33 - First Day of Having an Empty Nest

Dear Reader,

Tonight our daughter is staying in her apartment alone for the first time.  I have expected the empty nest for years now,  but am only now getting to it.  I didn't push this birdie out of the nest ... but it was this or dump the boyfriend and move to New York.  It's curious that she has chosen something in between. She isn't moving with us, but she has moved an hour away from said boyfriend rather than getting a job an apartment in this town. Well see what the future holds.  We had dinner with our friends in the large city and, before we left, she texted to ask if we were going to come see her.  We said sure, and then she said to please bring her some lightbulbs.  Ok.  And some pillows.  Ummm, maybe.  And a coke.  Ok.  And, to our surprise we found a large shopping area just a mile past her apartment, complete with a TJMaxx!  So she is now the proud owner of two new pillows and pillow cases!  And lightbulbs and a Coke.  In return, she said I was awesome, and that is thanks enough.  

It was around 10:30 before we got home and we were both really tired. As you know, we've been skipping church for several weeks now, but he is teaching tomorrow at a church.  This Sunday school is older adults and starts at 9:00 am, which I think is sacrilegious!  And church is after that and they always ask us to go out to eat with them afterwards.  Since this is our last time, we're going to do it all. That will leave me time to go see my mother for a while and go to bed!!

I'm trying to be disciplined getting to bed and not get distracted and fritter away the time.  So, I read my Bible first, and then got on Amazon and found and ordered a few things I needed.  Washed my hair, and am now writing to you ... all in the bathtub!

I wanted to research this chronic kidney disease, but there's no time.  I will tell you that I was pretty discouraged today about it.  But that won't change anything. Now I just need to learn if there is a way to turn this around or slow it down.  

That's it for now.  Have a brilliantly beautiful day tomorrow!

Lisa

Day 34 - Chronic Kidney Disease, Stage 2?

Dear Reader,

You know how I said last night that I wondered if a problem with my kidneys could be causing the swelling I was having?  Well, I got out the test results from the visit with the endocrinologist and his accompanying letter in which he said that my kidney function tests were off and to discuss with with my main doctor.  So I got out all of my kidney function tests since 2011 and spent some time figuring out what they meant.  I think my doctor discussed it with me before, but there was always something more pressing going on.  Anyway, it looks like I was in stage one of chronic kidney failure, because my eGFR (a measurement of how well your glomeruli are processing waste in your body) dropped from 60 (the bottom of stage 1) all the way to 45, which puts me squarely in stage II.  My creatinine levels have been getting worse each year, too; but my potassium levels have stayed pretty much the same.  

I emailed my doctor about this and asking him if I should get in to see a urologist before I move.  Then I learns that the correct doctor for the stress-induced anti-diuretic hormone is an endocrinologist.  I had assumed it was a urologist but was wrong.  (Gasp!). So I called the endocrinologist and they are going to see if they can get me in before I move.  But I didn't try to make an appointment with a urologist because I'm pretty sure my doctor will have to refer me.  

So, one ,ore puzzle in the picture of my health problems has been supplied. Oh, and my blood is acidic, too.  I tried to do some research this evening, but I've got a lot,to learn before I can understand all this.  It's a bit discouraging. How could I possibly have another chronic condition?!

I'm going to close now,because I'm so tired.  But I'll just say that the evening was brutal.  The temperature was off in the building and art gallery where the reception was held.  They usually ask me to host it, so I'm,very glad they didn't ask this year. But no one took,care of the temperature, and it was broiling hot in there!  I finally opened up,all the french doors and figured out how to lower the temperature in all of the a/c units. Most of them were blowing HEAT!  It was awful! The speech was pep ably excellent, but with me not being able to regulate my body temp correctly, I could,not cool down and was just miserable.  

So, that's it for me.  I'm going to sleep sooo late tomorrow ... I hope!

Till tomorrow!
Lisa

Day 35 - Nope! It Didn't Happen!

Dear Reader,

I still haven't finished my study!  I didn't even get to touch it today, which is really disappointing.  I did get most of my daughters' things sorted through.  All that should be finished tomorrow and ready to be carried down 26 steps to my car ... by someone else!!  

I did get a lot of packages taken care of today.  I had the. In the car, so I just left the house and went to the post office and sat in my car taking care of all the return slips and address labels and taping them all together.  Then I carried them in, dropping half of them.  Stood in line until it was my turn, only to be told that they were all UPS labels!!! Good grief!  Can't believe I didn't notice that.  I did have one letter to mail and a largish stamped and self-addressed envelope to mail to Artistic Fabrics for samples I was requesting.  A LOT of samples, so I out enough postage on it to cover about half a pound worth.  By then it was too late for me to get to the UPS store.  So I went by a small used car lot to look at cars for our son, but the owner had just left and the person there did not know anything about them.  He gave me the owner's cell phone number and I called and left a message, but he hasn't called me back yet.  What kind of car salesman is that?!?

I came home and cuddled up,with my husband who was dozing in his study, but I got there right as he was getting up to go to an art show. I really was tired so I just laid there and rested while he was gone,  I must have fallen asleep because one of my dogs came up and nuzzled my face and I screamed and jumped so hard it's surprising I didn't hurt myself.  That's one thing PTSD does to you.  It makes you be startled very easily and react to being startled way too strongly.  I am always the one person in the theater who screams when anything startling happens.  It's so embarrassing!!

My stupid ankle joint came out during the night Tuesday.  I didn't have/make time to go to the chiropractor and he is closed tomorrow,so I guess I'm in for a painful weekend.  

So, I need to figure out this stuff about my kidney function.  I got to wondering today if more of this swelling in my body is from my kidneys not working right than it is from the immune system.  Maybe I ought to try to nail that down, too,  plus, I still haven't gone to see the dermatologist yet, and I have decided to get in for one more Prolotherapy treatment before I leave.  That will help with keeping my ankle bone in place.  Prolotherapy is a treatment for connective tissue.  If you have a torn or severely strained tendon, for example, they inject the tendon with a sugar solution.  Yep, that's right.  Dextrose and H2O.  It causes your body to think you have had a massive injury so it creates a particular type of cell (can't think of,the name of it right now) which comes in and floods the area.  This cell can then turn into cartilage, tendon, ligament or muscle tissue and it will actually heal the tear or strain by creating new tissue.  It is extremely effective as I learned because of having treatments after a bad car wreck seven years ago.  I needed surgery on my left pelvic joint and my L-5, but no surgeon would touch me, and I didn't really want to take a chance on surgery anyway. After about a year I went to my doctors office for an appointment, but I was in so much pain I was crying and told him I felt like I had aged ten years.  So he sent me to see this MD who used to be a surgeon who practices this.  I was allergy tested for the topical anesthesia and had an immediate reaction, of course. So I had to get the injections without any pain killer.  He inky treated the L-5 that day, putting I'm four injections around it.  I can tell you that I have had natural childbirth with complications and it didn't compare to those four injections!  I was almost in a state of shock from the pain when I left there!  But the effect was AMAZING!  So I've been back for more a few times. I usually schedule it when my husband can go with me, but last time my friend had to take me and hood my hand instead of Alejandro!  I take one or two Xanax before he starts and then go very, very zen during it.  You know ... like Bella did in the last Twilight when she is transforming into a vampire and doesn't dare move or make a sound because she'll start screaming and going berserk from the pain.  So, you ask ... how does a 57 year old lady know about Bella in the Twilight series?!  Because I REaD them!  Twice!  Back-to-back!  So there!  Mock me all you want!

Anyway, I'm not going to be able to work in my study at all tomorrow.  I have a huge day tomorrow with tons of errands to run.  And then I have this author's reception and reading, and that will take up the entire evening.  

It's 10:37 and I'm completely ready for bed now, except for taking a bath.  I've tried very hard to stay focused while here in bed and was determined to get what HAD to be done finished before I started snooping around online.  But I picked up my iPad to see what tomorrow's date was, and somehow found myself going through my open tabs to save and close them, and then even resuming a fabric search I had going!  I closed it back up and was working on my to-do list and then realized I was looking up master plasterers!  The house has some deteriorating plaster crown molding , and I want to find out how it can be fixed or replaced.  But not at this time of night!!!  Other than those two things, I've stayed pretty focused.  I hope to take a quick bath and get right to sleep.  My alarm is set for 7:30 so I'm already not gong to get the ten hours of sleep my body is craving.  Oh, well.  I guess that's what Saturdays are for.  

So, good night for now!

Lisa

Day 35 - We Have Movement!

Dear Reader,  

It's 1:30 and I am up, dressed, hair washed and styled, and makeup on.  I have read my Bible and had my prayer time.  I have wasted a minimal amount of time on Facebook.  But, most importantly, I decided to be kind to myself.  My alarm clock sounded for an hour before it even broke through to my consciousness, I am truly tired.  It's not a sin to be tired!  Its not representative of moral turpitude (hey, when you get a chance to use a big word you need to go for it!). I have written a letter recommending someone for a job and taken care of a few other things, like a much-needed pedicure!  I have even sorted through some of Amy's stuff in the foyer and handled some issues regarding our lawn care and have started a list of all the information the wife of the new president will need to know about the house.  So, actually, I have gotten a fair amount don't today so far. 

I found a wonderful verse that describes my husband.  It is written about a King of Judah:  "Jotham grew powerful because he walked steadfastly before The Lord his God."

So, now I am going to write out an abbreviated and hopefully realistic to-do list.  This is one of,those days where I keep getting interrupted by campus workers constantly which is distracting.  

So, I'm still reading The Energy Bus. Towards the end he says, "Focus on the path."  This is in the context of not focusing on the past or the future, or even the present, just focus on the path.  So, I've been thinking about that and this is what I've come up with.  

Any movement requires pushing against entropy and the force of friction.  That's just the nature of movement, physically and metaphorically.  To move, you must face down and exert strong enough force to beat the strength of the resistance you have between you and where you want to be.  Again, physically and metaphorically.  No force, no movement. So, I am on a path towards becoming a better, healthier, more disciplined person.  I've made efforts to do this during these past years since I moved here, but they were half-hearted at best and I never mustered sufficient force of my own to conquer the resistance I met with.  This is my first all-out effort, and writing this blog is a tool I am using to keep me conscious of where I'm trying to go.  If I can liken myself to a ball (and not because of my round shape!), I would say that I have exerted force sufficient to overcome the force of entropy and am actually moving now.  But I am still encountering a great deal of friction in the form of a weakened character that has not worked in a long time.  There are other elements of friction, too, of course, bad health being one of them, and lots of other things that have worn me down, especially the last two years.  

But I am, for real, ON A PATH!  I am actually moving.  I am truly getting stronger than some of the friction that is exerting force against me.  Many books tell you to envision your end goal.  Clarify it down to the last detail.  What will you look like, what wil you be wearing, where will you be living, what will you be driving, etc.  But between who you are TODAY and who you want to be in the FUTURE there is a PATH!  And the path is where the dream either becomes a reality or not.  

So, okay.  That's my "deep thought" for the day.  I got interrupted twice just writing that, so it is now 2:00!

Cheers!

Lisa