Dear Friend,
Well, today was a it of a no-go. I woke up feeling just very, very week. I wasn't able to get anything done this morning. It took all my energy just to make myself a sandwich for lunch. So that whole, great to-do list got chucked. I was able to get dressed and made it to my psychologist appointment. We talked about how shut down I was last week. Apparently, it was pretty extreme from the way she talked about it. I told her I still felt very shut down and hidden and guarded which surprised me because I expected it to be gone by now. We talked about what she thinks made it so bad was having my mother in my house. I haven't felt this way when I've gone to see her, but being in my house made me feel in danger, so I threw up all the guards internally that I had. When I let myself relax a ought to examine it I could tell that I was still clenched up in a little knot of fear inside. She talked about somatic memory. I didn't follow it all, but apparently yr body harbors memories you made from before you had language. And so when you hit a trigger, the body remembers and reacts. She tried doing a body relaxation thing with me to unclench my gut, and it was going well until we hit my thighs and then a series of really bad memories hit. While I jockeyed it around I made a decision, there is a particular terror from my childhood and growing up years that has always been too frightening for me to talk about. I decided that I was going to deal with it with her. So I told her about it and what I decided. It's kind of out of her realm of expertise, but she's game to go there with me. I warned her that next week I would probably have shut down entirely on it and won't want to talk about it at all, when was why I needed to tell her today. As you can tell, I haven't decided yet if I'm going to take about it here or not.
I told her that I had burned a candle in the room my mother stayed in one day, a candle called "Healing" that is made with essential oils that are supposed to have healing properties. Go ahead and groan, it won't bother me! That I had burned it all day as sort of a reclaiming of my space. I told her I felt like burning a sage stick but had wondered if it was too pagan of a practice. She said she didn't think so, that it was a ceremonial act of purifying and cleansing your space and that there's a lot of benefit from ceremony. Here's a short article about what I'm talking about. http://www.beliefnet.com/columnists/freshliving/2009/07/how-to-cleanse-your-home-with-sage.html
Then I went to my naturopath to get my Xanax and klonopin refills and I went ahead and had a saline infusion while I was there. I didn't watch my water or salt intake for a whole week and a half and I think I had lost a lot of blood plasma. I paid attention today, and sure enough, I was peeing all the time. So a liter of saline water ought to help a lot. She added some extra B12 to the mix since I was pretty run down. I hope to be feeling better tomorrow.
That's it for me now. I think I'm going to be able to go to sleep a little earlier than usual. But I do still have to make my to-do list for tomorrow. I'm helpless without it! Maybe I'll do a lemonade fast over the weekend. Maybe not. Well see.
Cheers!
Lisa
Thursday, April 30, 2015
Wednesday, April 29, 2015
Day 59 - Got a Lot Done Today
Dear Friend,
I felt better today, thank goodness. I had a couple of moments of feeling very weak and one almost-passing-out moment, but overall ... much better.
I worked very hard today. Altogether harder than I care to work! But I did get a lot done. I got most of the laundry done and I got almost all of the packages packed up and loaded into my car.
The goal tomorrow is to go to the Salvation Army to donate a bunch of things. Then UPS and the post office. Then Talbots, Chicos, Loft, Lord & Taylor, Bed Bath and Beyond, and Nordstrom! And make it to an appointment with my psychologist by 2:30 and then my doctor at 3:45! Then I'm going to stop at a grocery store to pick up dinner and come home. I've got so many returns to make! So, so, soooo many returns!!! I've got a nice, tidy plan for tomorrow and have already written out all of the addresses for every place I need to go.
My husband was able to get home earlier than I had expected, so I felt bad about the kind of crummy meal I had planned for just my daughter and I. I made turkey patties and a frozen bag of sweet potato fries, some corn and roasted Brussels Sprouts. Pretty yucky, but it will keep body and soul together at least.
I watched another TED talk this morning and really enjoyed it. It's a good way to help myself to wake up in the morning.
In all my doing, though, guess what I did NOT do? EXERCISES!! Apparently I'm still at the bottom of my list when it comes to priorities!
I opened an email today and found I have to give six more events in the near future. In fact, I'll be hosting a dinner for 21 on Monday!
They finally installed the light fixture I got for the bottom of the back staircase. It matches the really beautiful one at the top of the staircase. The plaster is cracking badly, and so we've decided to -- wait for it -- put wallpaper over it and let someone else deal with it some time in the future!! But I can't pick out the wallpaper until they get in the runner for the stairs. What is there is so hideous, I just can't tell you!
I'm trying to pick out an 11-ft umbrella for the wicker dining table and chairs by the pool, and two 9-ft umbrellas for the patio. That patio gets so hot in the middle of the day, and there are bees nesting under the field stones!
Well ... I'm closing down now. Speaking of closing down, I still don't feel like I've completely come back out of hiding since my mother left. There's still a pretty tight wall of protection up. I thought it would be gone by now.
Our air conditioner upstairs is completely frozen up! It's not being too bad tonight, but I sure hope they are able to get it working tomorrow. Right now they are just waiting for all the ice to melt.
Nighty night!
Lisa
I felt better today, thank goodness. I had a couple of moments of feeling very weak and one almost-passing-out moment, but overall ... much better.
I worked very hard today. Altogether harder than I care to work! But I did get a lot done. I got most of the laundry done and I got almost all of the packages packed up and loaded into my car.
The goal tomorrow is to go to the Salvation Army to donate a bunch of things. Then UPS and the post office. Then Talbots, Chicos, Loft, Lord & Taylor, Bed Bath and Beyond, and Nordstrom! And make it to an appointment with my psychologist by 2:30 and then my doctor at 3:45! Then I'm going to stop at a grocery store to pick up dinner and come home. I've got so many returns to make! So, so, soooo many returns!!! I've got a nice, tidy plan for tomorrow and have already written out all of the addresses for every place I need to go.
My husband was able to get home earlier than I had expected, so I felt bad about the kind of crummy meal I had planned for just my daughter and I. I made turkey patties and a frozen bag of sweet potato fries, some corn and roasted Brussels Sprouts. Pretty yucky, but it will keep body and soul together at least.
I watched another TED talk this morning and really enjoyed it. It's a good way to help myself to wake up in the morning.
In all my doing, though, guess what I did NOT do? EXERCISES!! Apparently I'm still at the bottom of my list when it comes to priorities!
I opened an email today and found I have to give six more events in the near future. In fact, I'll be hosting a dinner for 21 on Monday!
They finally installed the light fixture I got for the bottom of the back staircase. It matches the really beautiful one at the top of the staircase. The plaster is cracking badly, and so we've decided to -- wait for it -- put wallpaper over it and let someone else deal with it some time in the future!! But I can't pick out the wallpaper until they get in the runner for the stairs. What is there is so hideous, I just can't tell you!
I'm trying to pick out an 11-ft umbrella for the wicker dining table and chairs by the pool, and two 9-ft umbrellas for the patio. That patio gets so hot in the middle of the day, and there are bees nesting under the field stones!
Well ... I'm closing down now. Speaking of closing down, I still don't feel like I've completely come back out of hiding since my mother left. There's still a pretty tight wall of protection up. I thought it would be gone by now.
Our air conditioner upstairs is completely frozen up! It's not being too bad tonight, but I sure hope they are able to get it working tomorrow. Right now they are just waiting for all the ice to melt.
Nighty night!
Lisa
Tuesday, April 28, 2015
Day 60 - Looking for 1% Improvements
Dear Friend,
Best laid plans and all that. I set my alarm for 8:00 this morning and was using the snooze button, but somehow must have turned it off because the next thing I knew, it was 10:00. As you know, it takes me a while to get moving, but I watched a TED talk and did a few other things and was out of bed by 11:00. It took me almost two full hours to clean the kitchen and the island! The crockpot in which I burned the BBQ chicken is still having to soak! After about thirty minutes of working fatigue slammed into me like a brick. Or I slammed into it like a brick wall. Or whatever the appropriate metaphor is. I kept working, though, and before long I started hurting badly in my legs which turned into aching all over my body, even my face. I was taking some things into one of the bathrooms and caught a glimpse of myself in the mirror and realized that I looked green! Shortly after that the chills hit me. So I went back to bed on a heating pad with the electric blanket turned up high. The fever never "broke", but I didn't have chills anymore when I woke up after sleeping hard for three hours.
I read my Bible and had a prayer time and ordered some delivery for my daughter and I. She got home around 7:00 and we had a nice talk about her day. She is really liking working at this place and commented on how much better she feels to be doing something. Gee! That sounds familiar, like maybe my husband or I said that to her once or twice in the past!
The turkey wrap made me terribly sick at my stomach and I couldn't eat the fries at all. I felt well enough to get a little more done to the house before my husband got home around 9:00.
I think I can get the house cleaned tomorrow and get all my packages ready to be sent back and get a food order in. If I could get the laundry done, too, that would be amazing!
I found out about a conference by an organization called longevity now. It's apparently got every health guru there is in America. They have a ton of videos online. I watched one the other day about an experiment done on plants using grounding. This is a new thing in the health world, but it seems like it's got some merit. I know my husband will mock, but the basic theory, as I understand it, is that ... well you know that all the body processes are carried out by electricity, right? Your body has an electric charge. And the earth has an electric charge and ... oh, well ... Anyway, the basic thing is that we need to be in actual physical contact with the earth every day, like waking barefoot on grass or sitting down on the lawn or things that out us in direct contact with the earth. Because ... the earth is basically negatively charged so there are loose electrons on the surface of the earth and they enter your body when you have direct contact. This shifts the electrical charge of your body in beneficial ways. And, free radicals are oxygen atoms that are missing an electron and so they cause all sorts of damage to your body. The idea is that the electrons that enter your body will bind with these oxygen atoms and provide the missing electron which causes them to stop their damaging maurading. At least that's the best I understand it right now. I know the part about the free radicals and anti-oxidants is true. But the idea of receiving needed electrons by direct contact with the ground to take care of this is new. But, they showed an experiment done with flowers that was amazing. In one set of flowers they put a grounding wire and in the other they out an inert wire. The difference between the growth and duration of the flowers was astounding!
I subscribed to newsletters by a guy named James Clear. It's all about how to become ... better. I read an article tonight by him and it was really good. It was about improving things by 1% and seeing how the cumulative consequences of these 1%improvements bring about great change. So, instead of trying to create dramatic change in your life, try instead to make a 1% change in all sorts of areas of your life. It was encouraging.
So, tomorrow I'm back to trying to get the house fully back together from the effects of the inauguration and all the visitors. It's frustrating to be working to regain lost ground instead of moving forward but, c'est la vie. At least the worse if over ... I think!
Cheers!
Lisa
Best laid plans and all that. I set my alarm for 8:00 this morning and was using the snooze button, but somehow must have turned it off because the next thing I knew, it was 10:00. As you know, it takes me a while to get moving, but I watched a TED talk and did a few other things and was out of bed by 11:00. It took me almost two full hours to clean the kitchen and the island! The crockpot in which I burned the BBQ chicken is still having to soak! After about thirty minutes of working fatigue slammed into me like a brick. Or I slammed into it like a brick wall. Or whatever the appropriate metaphor is. I kept working, though, and before long I started hurting badly in my legs which turned into aching all over my body, even my face. I was taking some things into one of the bathrooms and caught a glimpse of myself in the mirror and realized that I looked green! Shortly after that the chills hit me. So I went back to bed on a heating pad with the electric blanket turned up high. The fever never "broke", but I didn't have chills anymore when I woke up after sleeping hard for three hours.
I read my Bible and had a prayer time and ordered some delivery for my daughter and I. She got home around 7:00 and we had a nice talk about her day. She is really liking working at this place and commented on how much better she feels to be doing something. Gee! That sounds familiar, like maybe my husband or I said that to her once or twice in the past!
The turkey wrap made me terribly sick at my stomach and I couldn't eat the fries at all. I felt well enough to get a little more done to the house before my husband got home around 9:00.
I think I can get the house cleaned tomorrow and get all my packages ready to be sent back and get a food order in. If I could get the laundry done, too, that would be amazing!
I found out about a conference by an organization called longevity now. It's apparently got every health guru there is in America. They have a ton of videos online. I watched one the other day about an experiment done on plants using grounding. This is a new thing in the health world, but it seems like it's got some merit. I know my husband will mock, but the basic theory, as I understand it, is that ... well you know that all the body processes are carried out by electricity, right? Your body has an electric charge. And the earth has an electric charge and ... oh, well ... Anyway, the basic thing is that we need to be in actual physical contact with the earth every day, like waking barefoot on grass or sitting down on the lawn or things that out us in direct contact with the earth. Because ... the earth is basically negatively charged so there are loose electrons on the surface of the earth and they enter your body when you have direct contact. This shifts the electrical charge of your body in beneficial ways. And, free radicals are oxygen atoms that are missing an electron and so they cause all sorts of damage to your body. The idea is that the electrons that enter your body will bind with these oxygen atoms and provide the missing electron which causes them to stop their damaging maurading. At least that's the best I understand it right now. I know the part about the free radicals and anti-oxidants is true. But the idea of receiving needed electrons by direct contact with the ground to take care of this is new. But, they showed an experiment done with flowers that was amazing. In one set of flowers they put a grounding wire and in the other they out an inert wire. The difference between the growth and duration of the flowers was astounding!
I subscribed to newsletters by a guy named James Clear. It's all about how to become ... better. I read an article tonight by him and it was really good. It was about improving things by 1% and seeing how the cumulative consequences of these 1%improvements bring about great change. So, instead of trying to create dramatic change in your life, try instead to make a 1% change in all sorts of areas of your life. It was encouraging.
So, tomorrow I'm back to trying to get the house fully back together from the effects of the inauguration and all the visitors. It's frustrating to be working to regain lost ground instead of moving forward but, c'est la vie. At least the worse if over ... I think!
Cheers!
Lisa
Monday, April 27, 2015
Day 60 - Trying This "Kindness" Thing!
Dear Friend,
Sometimes I really hate keeping this blog. Especially when I bombed again, two days in a row. I had a terrible time waking up again this morning. My daughter told me to try taking my Welbutrin in the morning when I take the cortisol because it helps wake you up also. I kept falling into a dream where my mother had cancer and I was trying to find her a place to live where we used to live in Oxford, Mississippi. It was a very strange dream and I was very upset because she had cancer. Anyway, I finally grabbed my iPad and pulled up TED Talks. I listened to one by a pediatrician who talked about how childhood trauma has lasting health effects, even greatly increasing your risks for heart disease and cancer. Something she mentioned that was interesting is that the amygdala in people who experienced constant childhood trauma is bigger than the amygdala in people with normal childhoods. The amygdala is the gland in your brain that creates adrenaline ad is responsible for your feelings of fear and fear conditioning. And it is actually larger in adults who had trauma-filled childhoods. It was very interesting, and it did wake me up. But it wasn't exactly cheering or encouraging.
I didn't function as well today as I had hoped. I remained very sleepy all day. I did, however, do something significant. I went outside.
I don't know if I told you that I used to have full-blown agoraphobia, fear of open places. It came on me after the nervous breakdown I had when I was 37. I couldn't leave the house without having a major panic attack. For one long period, two years, I didn't leave the house at all. Then one day, I went outside and walked around the house three times and then went back inside. That was all I could stand. I eventually got past it, but I've had some problems with it since we moved. Very small problems comparatively speaking. But quite noticeable. I just really, really don't want to leave the house, and it's very hard for me to make myself do it. I CAN do it. I just REALLY don't want to.
Before we moved, I was outside as much as was possible. All of my prayer times, Bible reading, emailing, work of any nature involving the computer, planning grocery lists were all done outside. But since we've moved, I've stayed almost exclusively inside. But, today, I took my prayer journal and went out to the patio and sat there and read my Bible and had my prayer time and planned out my day. I was uneasy, sure. But I stayed. So I think that was an important step. I want to take the power washer out there and spray everything really, really good. Even the flagstones! I have a lot of planters to fill and I need to clean the cushions and the furniture, but it shouldn't be too terribly hard to get it looking really nice. I'm planning on sitting outside again. I want to build my tolerance up so that I can start going on walks in the area. Hopefully before summer is over I'll be doing that.
Between not being able to wake u all day, starting the day with a talk ant childhood trauma and then making myself go outside and stay there ... well, I was just "off" for the rest of the day.
My husband had an event tonight and asked if I could have supper ready by 6:00 and mentioned that he would be really hungry because of not being able to eat during the day. So, I phoned in a refill for a prescription of his to Walgreens and then planned a menu and wrote out a grocery list. Then I went to Walgreens and the grocery store. I didn't feel well at all doing the shopping sort of like I didn't have any blood pressure or something. I haven't been paying attention to eating a lot of salt, so I may have lost some blood volume.
Anyway, I came home and started dinner and actually had it ready at 6:00. But, after he left, our daughter got home so I sat with her while she ate and we started a documentary our son told us about called "Fed Up" about the food industry. Then, when she finished eating, instead of getting up and cleaning the kitchen and doing the other things I needed to do, I sat there still watching the show and trying to figure out menus for this week and get a grocery order filled out. But nothing sounded good at all. I didn't pay attention to the time and then saw it was almost 8:30! So I jumped up and started the dishes. I forgot to turn on the dishwasher on Sunday, so I couldn't load very many things. And then my husband got home and I had to just get that load started and sit down with him for a little bit to watch "Friends" before going to bed. Unfortunately, we watched two episodes that were Ross and Rachel breaking up badly. So I guess that was the perfect end to an already uncomfortable day.
The kitchen is still a mess, and I realized that I haven't dealt with the crock pot with the burned BBQ chicken in it! Two nights in a row that I didn't get the kitchen clean!! So, I'm alternating between "I hate myself! I'm a terrible person! I'm such a loser!" and, trying to be kind to myself and giving myself room to not function well without hating myself for it.
But,the cleaning company is coming tomorrow, so I have to have everything cleaned by 1:00 when they get here! The whole house is kind of a mess and I still haven't taken care of all of these packages yet!!
What would be lovely tomorrow would be to have everything ready for them at 1:00 and be able to leave the house and go to Starbucks and read my Bible and pray and get a grocery order in. My husband has a dinner to go to tomorrow night, so I'll have some extra time to work on the house. I'm wanting to start spending fifteen minutes a day in the basement, maybe unpack just one box.
Didn't exercise today, either. I am hoping for and planning on a much better day tomorrow. I'm about to write out my to-do list right now.
Cheers!
Lisa
Sometimes I really hate keeping this blog. Especially when I bombed again, two days in a row. I had a terrible time waking up again this morning. My daughter told me to try taking my Welbutrin in the morning when I take the cortisol because it helps wake you up also. I kept falling into a dream where my mother had cancer and I was trying to find her a place to live where we used to live in Oxford, Mississippi. It was a very strange dream and I was very upset because she had cancer. Anyway, I finally grabbed my iPad and pulled up TED Talks. I listened to one by a pediatrician who talked about how childhood trauma has lasting health effects, even greatly increasing your risks for heart disease and cancer. Something she mentioned that was interesting is that the amygdala in people who experienced constant childhood trauma is bigger than the amygdala in people with normal childhoods. The amygdala is the gland in your brain that creates adrenaline ad is responsible for your feelings of fear and fear conditioning. And it is actually larger in adults who had trauma-filled childhoods. It was very interesting, and it did wake me up. But it wasn't exactly cheering or encouraging.
I didn't function as well today as I had hoped. I remained very sleepy all day. I did, however, do something significant. I went outside.
I don't know if I told you that I used to have full-blown agoraphobia, fear of open places. It came on me after the nervous breakdown I had when I was 37. I couldn't leave the house without having a major panic attack. For one long period, two years, I didn't leave the house at all. Then one day, I went outside and walked around the house three times and then went back inside. That was all I could stand. I eventually got past it, but I've had some problems with it since we moved. Very small problems comparatively speaking. But quite noticeable. I just really, really don't want to leave the house, and it's very hard for me to make myself do it. I CAN do it. I just REALLY don't want to.
Before we moved, I was outside as much as was possible. All of my prayer times, Bible reading, emailing, work of any nature involving the computer, planning grocery lists were all done outside. But since we've moved, I've stayed almost exclusively inside. But, today, I took my prayer journal and went out to the patio and sat there and read my Bible and had my prayer time and planned out my day. I was uneasy, sure. But I stayed. So I think that was an important step. I want to take the power washer out there and spray everything really, really good. Even the flagstones! I have a lot of planters to fill and I need to clean the cushions and the furniture, but it shouldn't be too terribly hard to get it looking really nice. I'm planning on sitting outside again. I want to build my tolerance up so that I can start going on walks in the area. Hopefully before summer is over I'll be doing that.
Between not being able to wake u all day, starting the day with a talk ant childhood trauma and then making myself go outside and stay there ... well, I was just "off" for the rest of the day.
My husband had an event tonight and asked if I could have supper ready by 6:00 and mentioned that he would be really hungry because of not being able to eat during the day. So, I phoned in a refill for a prescription of his to Walgreens and then planned a menu and wrote out a grocery list. Then I went to Walgreens and the grocery store. I didn't feel well at all doing the shopping sort of like I didn't have any blood pressure or something. I haven't been paying attention to eating a lot of salt, so I may have lost some blood volume.
Anyway, I came home and started dinner and actually had it ready at 6:00. But, after he left, our daughter got home so I sat with her while she ate and we started a documentary our son told us about called "Fed Up" about the food industry. Then, when she finished eating, instead of getting up and cleaning the kitchen and doing the other things I needed to do, I sat there still watching the show and trying to figure out menus for this week and get a grocery order filled out. But nothing sounded good at all. I didn't pay attention to the time and then saw it was almost 8:30! So I jumped up and started the dishes. I forgot to turn on the dishwasher on Sunday, so I couldn't load very many things. And then my husband got home and I had to just get that load started and sit down with him for a little bit to watch "Friends" before going to bed. Unfortunately, we watched two episodes that were Ross and Rachel breaking up badly. So I guess that was the perfect end to an already uncomfortable day.
The kitchen is still a mess, and I realized that I haven't dealt with the crock pot with the burned BBQ chicken in it! Two nights in a row that I didn't get the kitchen clean!! So, I'm alternating between "I hate myself! I'm a terrible person! I'm such a loser!" and, trying to be kind to myself and giving myself room to not function well without hating myself for it.
But,the cleaning company is coming tomorrow, so I have to have everything cleaned by 1:00 when they get here! The whole house is kind of a mess and I still haven't taken care of all of these packages yet!!
What would be lovely tomorrow would be to have everything ready for them at 1:00 and be able to leave the house and go to Starbucks and read my Bible and pray and get a grocery order in. My husband has a dinner to go to tomorrow night, so I'll have some extra time to work on the house. I'm wanting to start spending fifteen minutes a day in the basement, maybe unpack just one box.
Didn't exercise today, either. I am hoping for and planning on a much better day tomorrow. I'm about to write out my to-do list right now.
Cheers!
Lisa
Sunday, April 26, 2015
Day 61 - Rats!! Wasted the Day
Dear Friend,
I'm trying to not be too hard on myself, but I'm still pretty irritated. Today slid right out from under me. I couldn't sleep last night. After I wrote down everything that still had to be done outside, I think that made me get tense and I wound up not going to sleep till after 3:00 am. I did, though, get up and we went to this church. I really liked it again. It was "missionary Sunday". If yu don't know what that is, it means you didn't grow up Baptist! This is not a Baptist church, but it does have a strong emphasis on missions. So, we groaned inwardly, remembering too many awful sermons in our past by missionaries. So we were surprised that this one turned out to be really good! I was glad we went.
There wasn't any time to stop for groceries on the way home because my husband had an afternoon event he had to get to. So I scrounged up something to eat and went to bed immediately. Slept solid till 3:00 in the afternoon and then basically stayed 75% asleep and 25% awake the rest of the day. I got caught in this zombie book and couldn't out it down until just now. The Raising of Stony Mayhall. It's about a zombie baby that is found by an old woman and her three daughters and is kept hidden in their home where he grows up, completely loving, sentient, and non-violent, but definitely ... dead. It's a long, involved story, very highly rated and reviewed. Everyone said they couldn't put it down and I'll be darned if they weren't right!
Anyway. I just finished it and read my Bible and I'm going to go on to sleep now. I'll have to make my to-do list in the morning. I can't believe I did so badly today. Maybe stress will start winding down and I'll stop reading so much fiction. One can hope!
I hope you had a good weekend and are ready for Monday! Who am I kidding?? Is anyone EVER ready for Monday?!
Cheers!
Lisa
I'm trying to not be too hard on myself, but I'm still pretty irritated. Today slid right out from under me. I couldn't sleep last night. After I wrote down everything that still had to be done outside, I think that made me get tense and I wound up not going to sleep till after 3:00 am. I did, though, get up and we went to this church. I really liked it again. It was "missionary Sunday". If yu don't know what that is, it means you didn't grow up Baptist! This is not a Baptist church, but it does have a strong emphasis on missions. So, we groaned inwardly, remembering too many awful sermons in our past by missionaries. So we were surprised that this one turned out to be really good! I was glad we went.
There wasn't any time to stop for groceries on the way home because my husband had an afternoon event he had to get to. So I scrounged up something to eat and went to bed immediately. Slept solid till 3:00 in the afternoon and then basically stayed 75% asleep and 25% awake the rest of the day. I got caught in this zombie book and couldn't out it down until just now. The Raising of Stony Mayhall. It's about a zombie baby that is found by an old woman and her three daughters and is kept hidden in their home where he grows up, completely loving, sentient, and non-violent, but definitely ... dead. It's a long, involved story, very highly rated and reviewed. Everyone said they couldn't put it down and I'll be darned if they weren't right!
Anyway. I just finished it and read my Bible and I'm going to go on to sleep now. I'll have to make my to-do list in the morning. I can't believe I did so badly today. Maybe stress will start winding down and I'll stop reading so much fiction. One can hope!
I hope you had a good weekend and are ready for Monday! Who am I kidding?? Is anyone EVER ready for Monday?!
Cheers!
Lisa
Saturday, April 25, 2015
Day 62 - Pretty Proud If I Say So Myself!
Dear Friend,
Today alllllmost went down the drain! I stayed up late reading ... again (SELF-DEFEATING BEHAVIOR #1!). Then my husband forgot his keys and rang the doorbell at 10:00 this morning, rousing me out of a deep sleep. That never goes well. My daughter went down and let him in and I fell back asleep, and then couldn't really wake up when I tried and stayed in bed too long wrestling to wake up. I finally grabbed my iPad and started reading the book ( ... yes, a zombie book!) and finally woke up.
There is no food in the house!!! I had a healthy smoothie because there was nothing else to eat. Which reminds me, I have some frozen chicken thighs downstairs in the freezer. I should set them out to defrost so I can put them in the slow-cooker in the morning. I do a BBQ recipe that is like pulled pork, but made with chicken thighs. It's actually really good and would be nice for dinner tomorrow on some baked potatoes. There's not a thing in the house for lunch, though, so I guess I'll have to stop at the store on the way home from church.
Anyway ... where was I? Okay, I made the smoothie and then started to work on cleaning up the garage. First problem: they forgot to fill the pressure washer with gas for me. Second problem: the water spigot on the front of the house wouldn't turn on. It's apparently tied into the sprinkler system (looks like the foundation planting has a sprinkler system, but I don't think the yard does). So, I figured out how to turn on the spigot at the control box, but the control box had no power to it so I couldn't. I found another spigot at the back of the house, but my hose wasn't long enough and someone has moved my other hose. So, they came and got the pressure washer, but couldn't get it to work. So they brought me a different one and a long hose that made it to the back spigot and, with some help, I got it functioning finally. I swept the floor first because of leaves that had blown in, and then started spraying it down. Good heavens!! I couldn't find anyway to control the force of the spray and it was on crazy high! I realized I could walk to the backyard again and turn the water down ... but that was too far for me. I decided I would also clean out all the recycling bins and the trash cans. The caterers dumped stuff in one of the trash cans without bagging it. I asked someone to tell them and have them come clean it, but I opened it and found that it was still untouched, after a week! Well, the guy who was helping me get everything together was super nice and got the trash out and bagged it up and carried it away for me. Wish I hd noticed that they had done the SAME THING to another trash can! So I had to deal with that one by myself. And then, spraying out that trash can was sooooo gross because napkins and junk had stuck to the bottom and they got all shredded when I used that high powered spray in them and made such a gross mess in the driveway when I dumped the water out. UGH!
Any way, then I power washed the garage floor at last. After I got it as clean as I could with just water, I used a broom and scrubbed it with Clorox Cleanup and then let it sit for about twenty minutes while I worked on the trash cans some more.
After that, I rinsed the floor off and used a broom to get the dirty water to go down the center drain, then I got the cushions off the wicker table that's out by the pool. I had read that the Clorox Cleanup would clean off all the mildew, so I had bought two half-gallon bottles of it which, happily, arrived the day before. So ... I went to my shed and looked for my pressure sprayer thing. I have three. Only one of them was there, so I got it and out the cleaner in it to spray it onto the cushions. Then I started pumping up the pressure only to find that there was a LEAK and it wouldn't work!! So, I poured it all into a bucket, got another bucket and turned it over to use as a bench, and got a big scrub brush and started applying the cleaner to one of the cushions. And THAT'S when I remembered that you have to soak the cushions with WATER ... FIRST ... so they don't bleach out!
So, I stopped and got the pressure washer and washed them down really good and got off the surface dirt. And then I sat down and used the scrub brush to apply the cleaner and scrub it all over every inch of the four seat cushions and four decorative pillows. I let them sit about fifteen minutes (more work on trash cans and cleaning up the driveway from the gross paper napkins and YUCK that had gotten all over it from the trash can). Then, I rinsed them off with the pressure washer and -- GLORY BE!!! They look brand new! Except for the area that looks bleached out, but were not going to worry about that!
So, then I got my two huge cushions I have for some really large wicker chairs and two more regular seat cushions and two decorative pillows. This required three trips all the way to the other end of the house ... and it's a long house. I worried about these big cushions because they have a lot of white on them and it looked like it had mildewed. But I treated all of these cushions, too, and they came out perfect! I should have taken before and after pictures.
And, here is the remarkable thing. I have Servella more cushions to do, but I was able to STOP! That's something brand new for me. Usually when I'm doing a messy job ... There is no stopping!! I keep working until I'm totally finished and I don't care how exhausted I get or how much damage I do to my body ... I won't stop. But, today, I was ABLE to. That's pretty huge for me.
So I set all the cushions against a wall on their edge to get them drying and then sprayed down the floor one last time. I used a plastic bag to pick u the gross stuff on the driveway and used the power washer to clean it up. I set the three smaller trash cans to the side of the pool house and set the two rolling trash cans, one for recycling, just outside the garage door so they are convenient. I tired to take the hose off the pressure washer but only succeeded in slightly loosening it. I brought the pressure washer into the garage, congratulated myself on making the day count after all ... and then found that the garage door won't close!!
For real. Perfect ending to the day.
My husband was able to get it shut manually, but couldn't lock it. I haven't brought my car back in, and it's lovely looking in there at the clean floor and the clean cushions lined up against the wall and the whole thing smells like bleach. Yay!!!
I've got a lot to do, still, before the backyard is ready for entertaining. I have four small round cushions that are seat cushions for my small wicker dining set, a long cushion that goes on the wicker chaise lounge, and several more decorative pillows to clean. I have some metal furniture on the patio that has thick, light green cushions that appear to have faded from being in the direct sunlight. I think I can flip them and get one more season out of them.
My two concrete urns broke apart during the winter from the cold! How is that possible? They will have to be thrown away. I need to power wash the large, outdoor wicker dining set. It's gotten pretty dirty. Clean up the glass tops on all the tables and find two big umbrellas. Then dump out all of my pots that were left out all winter, plant all my containers with flowers, scrub out the bird baths, and fix my chimes that are outside.
The pergola does have some rotten boards, so those will have to be replaced. A lot of the paint is peeling and a lot of it is mildewed. So that will all have to be taken care of before it can all be repainted. Theres a lot more to be done out here. The entire patio has to be dug up and leveled so that we can bring people out there without risking a law suit from them tripping!
I have a fourth outside seating area that is behind a large shrub under a huge tree on a little patio area that looks like it's been completely forgotten about. It's really odd and I'm not sure what to do with it, but there's one area that would be perfect for a place to make fires.
Then I have to make a bunch of hanging baskets and the outside should start being inviting! It was so yucky last year that I didn't even want to go outside. I still miss my huge covered veranda. I always fixed it up really beautiful, if I say so myself. But I love everything about this house much better than the house we were in in Tennessee at the university.
So. There's my day. I am very glad that I was able to pull it out of the mire. I would have been so depressed if I had totally lost the day.
We're going to church again tomorrow. I sure hope we've finally found the right place for us.
I hope your Saturday went well.
Cheers!
Lisa
Today alllllmost went down the drain! I stayed up late reading ... again (SELF-DEFEATING BEHAVIOR #1!). Then my husband forgot his keys and rang the doorbell at 10:00 this morning, rousing me out of a deep sleep. That never goes well. My daughter went down and let him in and I fell back asleep, and then couldn't really wake up when I tried and stayed in bed too long wrestling to wake up. I finally grabbed my iPad and started reading the book ( ... yes, a zombie book!) and finally woke up.
There is no food in the house!!! I had a healthy smoothie because there was nothing else to eat. Which reminds me, I have some frozen chicken thighs downstairs in the freezer. I should set them out to defrost so I can put them in the slow-cooker in the morning. I do a BBQ recipe that is like pulled pork, but made with chicken thighs. It's actually really good and would be nice for dinner tomorrow on some baked potatoes. There's not a thing in the house for lunch, though, so I guess I'll have to stop at the store on the way home from church.
Anyway ... where was I? Okay, I made the smoothie and then started to work on cleaning up the garage. First problem: they forgot to fill the pressure washer with gas for me. Second problem: the water spigot on the front of the house wouldn't turn on. It's apparently tied into the sprinkler system (looks like the foundation planting has a sprinkler system, but I don't think the yard does). So, I figured out how to turn on the spigot at the control box, but the control box had no power to it so I couldn't. I found another spigot at the back of the house, but my hose wasn't long enough and someone has moved my other hose. So, they came and got the pressure washer, but couldn't get it to work. So they brought me a different one and a long hose that made it to the back spigot and, with some help, I got it functioning finally. I swept the floor first because of leaves that had blown in, and then started spraying it down. Good heavens!! I couldn't find anyway to control the force of the spray and it was on crazy high! I realized I could walk to the backyard again and turn the water down ... but that was too far for me. I decided I would also clean out all the recycling bins and the trash cans. The caterers dumped stuff in one of the trash cans without bagging it. I asked someone to tell them and have them come clean it, but I opened it and found that it was still untouched, after a week! Well, the guy who was helping me get everything together was super nice and got the trash out and bagged it up and carried it away for me. Wish I hd noticed that they had done the SAME THING to another trash can! So I had to deal with that one by myself. And then, spraying out that trash can was sooooo gross because napkins and junk had stuck to the bottom and they got all shredded when I used that high powered spray in them and made such a gross mess in the driveway when I dumped the water out. UGH!
Any way, then I power washed the garage floor at last. After I got it as clean as I could with just water, I used a broom and scrubbed it with Clorox Cleanup and then let it sit for about twenty minutes while I worked on the trash cans some more.
After that, I rinsed the floor off and used a broom to get the dirty water to go down the center drain, then I got the cushions off the wicker table that's out by the pool. I had read that the Clorox Cleanup would clean off all the mildew, so I had bought two half-gallon bottles of it which, happily, arrived the day before. So ... I went to my shed and looked for my pressure sprayer thing. I have three. Only one of them was there, so I got it and out the cleaner in it to spray it onto the cushions. Then I started pumping up the pressure only to find that there was a LEAK and it wouldn't work!! So, I poured it all into a bucket, got another bucket and turned it over to use as a bench, and got a big scrub brush and started applying the cleaner to one of the cushions. And THAT'S when I remembered that you have to soak the cushions with WATER ... FIRST ... so they don't bleach out!
So, I stopped and got the pressure washer and washed them down really good and got off the surface dirt. And then I sat down and used the scrub brush to apply the cleaner and scrub it all over every inch of the four seat cushions and four decorative pillows. I let them sit about fifteen minutes (more work on trash cans and cleaning up the driveway from the gross paper napkins and YUCK that had gotten all over it from the trash can). Then, I rinsed them off with the pressure washer and -- GLORY BE!!! They look brand new! Except for the area that looks bleached out, but were not going to worry about that!
So, then I got my two huge cushions I have for some really large wicker chairs and two more regular seat cushions and two decorative pillows. This required three trips all the way to the other end of the house ... and it's a long house. I worried about these big cushions because they have a lot of white on them and it looked like it had mildewed. But I treated all of these cushions, too, and they came out perfect! I should have taken before and after pictures.
And, here is the remarkable thing. I have Servella more cushions to do, but I was able to STOP! That's something brand new for me. Usually when I'm doing a messy job ... There is no stopping!! I keep working until I'm totally finished and I don't care how exhausted I get or how much damage I do to my body ... I won't stop. But, today, I was ABLE to. That's pretty huge for me.
So I set all the cushions against a wall on their edge to get them drying and then sprayed down the floor one last time. I used a plastic bag to pick u the gross stuff on the driveway and used the power washer to clean it up. I set the three smaller trash cans to the side of the pool house and set the two rolling trash cans, one for recycling, just outside the garage door so they are convenient. I tired to take the hose off the pressure washer but only succeeded in slightly loosening it. I brought the pressure washer into the garage, congratulated myself on making the day count after all ... and then found that the garage door won't close!!
For real. Perfect ending to the day.
My husband was able to get it shut manually, but couldn't lock it. I haven't brought my car back in, and it's lovely looking in there at the clean floor and the clean cushions lined up against the wall and the whole thing smells like bleach. Yay!!!
I've got a lot to do, still, before the backyard is ready for entertaining. I have four small round cushions that are seat cushions for my small wicker dining set, a long cushion that goes on the wicker chaise lounge, and several more decorative pillows to clean. I have some metal furniture on the patio that has thick, light green cushions that appear to have faded from being in the direct sunlight. I think I can flip them and get one more season out of them.
My two concrete urns broke apart during the winter from the cold! How is that possible? They will have to be thrown away. I need to power wash the large, outdoor wicker dining set. It's gotten pretty dirty. Clean up the glass tops on all the tables and find two big umbrellas. Then dump out all of my pots that were left out all winter, plant all my containers with flowers, scrub out the bird baths, and fix my chimes that are outside.
The pergola does have some rotten boards, so those will have to be replaced. A lot of the paint is peeling and a lot of it is mildewed. So that will all have to be taken care of before it can all be repainted. Theres a lot more to be done out here. The entire patio has to be dug up and leveled so that we can bring people out there without risking a law suit from them tripping!
I have a fourth outside seating area that is behind a large shrub under a huge tree on a little patio area that looks like it's been completely forgotten about. It's really odd and I'm not sure what to do with it, but there's one area that would be perfect for a place to make fires.
Then I have to make a bunch of hanging baskets and the outside should start being inviting! It was so yucky last year that I didn't even want to go outside. I still miss my huge covered veranda. I always fixed it up really beautiful, if I say so myself. But I love everything about this house much better than the house we were in in Tennessee at the university.
So. There's my day. I am very glad that I was able to pull it out of the mire. I would have been so depressed if I had totally lost the day.
We're going to church again tomorrow. I sure hope we've finally found the right place for us.
I hope your Saturday went well.
Cheers!
Lisa
Friday, April 24, 2015
Day 63 - Still Exhausted!
Dear Friend,
This will be short since I've stayed up too late reading!! My husband and I are both still so exhausted. I don't see how he keeps going! I wasn't able to go to sleep last night till very late which didn't help a bit. I did my leg and hip exercises again today. Just day two, but I'm already baffled that I haven't been doing this. I don't mind this type of exercise at all and used to do it pretty regularly. I shouldn't get ahead of myself, though. Let's see if I'm still doing it in a week.
I didn't get much done today ... some laundry, basic cleaning. I made a cup of Bulletproof Coffee hoping it would keep me awake, but it didn't help at all. Look up Dave Aspry or Bulletproof Coffee if you want to know what I'm talking about. It's coffee you make and whip with coconut oil and unsalted butter in it! It's really not bad.
My husband and I had a nice date tonight, we went to an Italian restaurant and the food was laughably bad. Then we saw Ex Machina which I thought was interesting, but he didn't like. We came home and our daughter told us about her day and then we watched two episodes of Friends.
There is some talk being made about getting a housekeeper. I don't know if it will happen, but it would revolutionize my life if it did!
Tomorrow my poor husband has one event after another. I, however, will be pressure washing a sterilizing the garage floor and then trying to clean the cushions. I'm been thinking I might bathe the dogs as long as I'm having an icky day!
I posted something slightly inflammatory on my Facebook page today. But, before it tell you about that, let me tell you that I fund that my oldest brother posted yesterday on his page something that made it sound like he had FINALLY actually heard at least some of what I've been saying to him. It was encouraging. He's made a couple of advances. Sent me a "brain teaser" and mailed me some things of mine he found going through a stack of old papers. Not a word from my other brother, which is still just fine with me.
So, this is what I posted. Well, how about that. I can't copy a post from my Facebook page. I'll just say it was about a verse from Isaiah saying to seek justice and defend the oppressed. Then I went on about how these were no "liberal" values, they were God's command to us and ended with saying, "If you don't LOOK like Jesus and if you don't TALK like Jesus and if you don't ACT like Jesus ... it was time for self-examination to see if you are really a Believer.
So, I'm sure that will win me a lot of points with my crazy, extreme family and friends.
Well, think of me tomorrow as you're getting your hair done or a manicure and I'm cleaning a nasty garage!!
Cheers!
Lisa
This will be short since I've stayed up too late reading!! My husband and I are both still so exhausted. I don't see how he keeps going! I wasn't able to go to sleep last night till very late which didn't help a bit. I did my leg and hip exercises again today. Just day two, but I'm already baffled that I haven't been doing this. I don't mind this type of exercise at all and used to do it pretty regularly. I shouldn't get ahead of myself, though. Let's see if I'm still doing it in a week.
I didn't get much done today ... some laundry, basic cleaning. I made a cup of Bulletproof Coffee hoping it would keep me awake, but it didn't help at all. Look up Dave Aspry or Bulletproof Coffee if you want to know what I'm talking about. It's coffee you make and whip with coconut oil and unsalted butter in it! It's really not bad.
My husband and I had a nice date tonight, we went to an Italian restaurant and the food was laughably bad. Then we saw Ex Machina which I thought was interesting, but he didn't like. We came home and our daughter told us about her day and then we watched two episodes of Friends.
There is some talk being made about getting a housekeeper. I don't know if it will happen, but it would revolutionize my life if it did!
Tomorrow my poor husband has one event after another. I, however, will be pressure washing a sterilizing the garage floor and then trying to clean the cushions. I'm been thinking I might bathe the dogs as long as I'm having an icky day!
I posted something slightly inflammatory on my Facebook page today. But, before it tell you about that, let me tell you that I fund that my oldest brother posted yesterday on his page something that made it sound like he had FINALLY actually heard at least some of what I've been saying to him. It was encouraging. He's made a couple of advances. Sent me a "brain teaser" and mailed me some things of mine he found going through a stack of old papers. Not a word from my other brother, which is still just fine with me.
So, this is what I posted. Well, how about that. I can't copy a post from my Facebook page. I'll just say it was about a verse from Isaiah saying to seek justice and defend the oppressed. Then I went on about how these were no "liberal" values, they were God's command to us and ended with saying, "If you don't LOOK like Jesus and if you don't TALK like Jesus and if you don't ACT like Jesus ... it was time for self-examination to see if you are really a Believer.
So, I'm sure that will win me a lot of points with my crazy, extreme family and friends.
Well, think of me tomorrow as you're getting your hair done or a manicure and I'm cleaning a nasty garage!!
Cheers!
Lisa
Thursday, April 23, 2015
Day 64 - A Better Day
Dear Friend,
Today went a lot better. I was dead asleep when my alarm went off this morning at 9:00. It took at least an hour for me to wake up and then I spent an hour in bed looking at email and Facebook. Once I got out of bed, I really applied myself to following the schedule I had written out. It worked really well and got a lot done. I even did the leg and hip exercises, believe it or not! And,boy! Not a day too soon. I really am weak. I didn't do too many, but was very sore the rest of the day. I got a lot of laundry done and even cleaned out and organized several kitchen areas, including all of my food storage containers and coffee travel cups. All of see things were on the floor so it was stand-up-sit-down-stand-up-sit-down all morning. Looks really good now.
I'm going to have to work on getting a summer wardrobe figured out. Most of my summer clothes were pretty run down last summer, but I didn't worry about them because we were moving and I didn't want to be wearing new clothes. So now I'm in a pickle. Plus the weight I've gained has got me out of several of my mainstay summer pieces. I have a few knit dresses that I'm going to have to replace because, even with a cami bra, they show waaaay too much cleavage.
This evening we went to the spring formal which had a 1920's theme. I did the whole hair and makeup and jewelry, except I forgot to put on my fantastic Art Deco earrings! Bummer.
I'm going to try the same plan tomorrow and hope I'll have good news for you about how tomorrow went.
MUST make two doctors appointments tomorrow!! Got a new zombie book. It's ok. I prefer the ones with a female protagonist. Except, have you noticed in all of the post -apocalyptic genre (Hunger Games, Divergent, etc.) the girls never have periods???
Cheers!
Lisa
Today went a lot better. I was dead asleep when my alarm went off this morning at 9:00. It took at least an hour for me to wake up and then I spent an hour in bed looking at email and Facebook. Once I got out of bed, I really applied myself to following the schedule I had written out. It worked really well and got a lot done. I even did the leg and hip exercises, believe it or not! And,boy! Not a day too soon. I really am weak. I didn't do too many, but was very sore the rest of the day. I got a lot of laundry done and even cleaned out and organized several kitchen areas, including all of my food storage containers and coffee travel cups. All of see things were on the floor so it was stand-up-sit-down-stand-up-sit-down all morning. Looks really good now.
I'm going to have to work on getting a summer wardrobe figured out. Most of my summer clothes were pretty run down last summer, but I didn't worry about them because we were moving and I didn't want to be wearing new clothes. So now I'm in a pickle. Plus the weight I've gained has got me out of several of my mainstay summer pieces. I have a few knit dresses that I'm going to have to replace because, even with a cami bra, they show waaaay too much cleavage.
This evening we went to the spring formal which had a 1920's theme. I did the whole hair and makeup and jewelry, except I forgot to put on my fantastic Art Deco earrings! Bummer.
I'm going to try the same plan tomorrow and hope I'll have good news for you about how tomorrow went.
MUST make two doctors appointments tomorrow!! Got a new zombie book. It's ok. I prefer the ones with a female protagonist. Except, have you noticed in all of the post -apocalyptic genre (Hunger Games, Divergent, etc.) the girls never have periods???
Cheers!
Lisa
Wednesday, April 22, 2015
Day 65 - Forward HO!!!
Dear Friend,
okay, it's time to get moving forward and quit sitting in neutral! I'm going to try to just gut my way through tomorrow and act like I have myself together. I'm going to put together very tight schedule and STICK TO IT!! I'm not going to read anymore of the current zombie novels I've been reading, and it's a real shame because he has seven books in the series. But something about them is hurting my soul. Nine of the others have , but this series is not good for me somehow. I'm reading them compulsively, like ... literally. If traffic is heavy, I've been reading in the car! I read from the time I got up until I HAD to get ready to go into the city for a doctor's appointment. It's far worse violence than the others and there's an evil female vampire who is running the zombies and is really, really creepy. Lots of cussing, but not more than you'd expect when the protagonist is a former Marine and is trying to save his family from zombies, I suppose! But cussing doesn't bother me usually, being quiet proficient at it myself. So, whatever it is, it is messing up something inside of me, so I'm done.
I also realized something that made me unhappy. I'm reading compulsively a lot because I've been avoiding God again. Of course, we just had a crazy week, and I don't think these books have helped. But I'm reading compulsively because I am anxious and apprehensive. About what? Well ... let me see. I'm still not unpacked. I'm still not exercising. I'm still not dieting, I still don't have my Bible studies out together or my study organized. The basement is a nightmare. I still don't have any drapes up. I'm still cleaning up behind an incontinent dog every day -- although I finally got up the nerve to make her start sleeping in the laundry room so she can only do so much damage. I still haven't got drapes up, I still haven't got pictures up, I still haven't finished painting the bathroom sconces, I still don't have any idea what I'm going to out in the den or in the library upstairs. I still hate doing all the cooking and the laundry and it wears me out. I'm not going to jazzercise OR yoga. I still don't have the dressing room figured out yeti md I can't get a handle on ironing clothes now that I'm having to do that myself. And I still have two VERY nasty jobs to do Saturday! I have been letting my little blind dog go to the bathroom in the garage during the winter and just trying to keep the poop picked up. But the garage smells bad, as you'd expect, and I will be cleaning it with a pressure washer this weekend and then cleaning all of the outside cushions and pillows that got left out door all winter long and had already gotten filthy dirty from the rotting, dead wisteria dropping on them and whatever the dark stuff is that a large tree puts out all over another area. The concrete and driveway are even stained from it! So that is going to be some yucky day, Saturday!
And I still haven't picked up the room my mother used or the room my husband's parents stayed in.
So ... what do I have to be anxious or apprehensive about?? Not to mention that I'm not speaking to either of my brothers! Oh, speaking of which, ... nah. Let's not.
So. Tomorrow. Big girl panties, for sure! No more moping! I did feel better today, so maybe it's possible.
I did go to the city to have some neurological tests done today, and they were no fun, in the least!!! One was putting electrodes on me in all sorts of different areas and giving me a shock . And, let me tell you ... they hurt!and then the other test was they stuck a large bore needle type thing in me all over the place and then had me move my muscles in various ways to measure the electrical signals going between my nerves and the muscles. Those needles were big and white painful, and then I had to move the muscle that they were poked in. So, NOT FUN!
The other part of the test was testing all sorts of reflexes. He finally got a reflex out of my right knee, but had to bang harder and harder on my left knee before it responded. And no ankle reflexes.
Oh! And I haven't taken care of having been sent the wrong chandeliers for the hallways upstairs, either!
While I've been writing this I've been making notes of things I need to do tomorrow in addition to the things I HAVE to do tomorrow.
At least I'm looking -- oh! I have to order my transcript, too! And send the forms for letters of recommendation for the seminary -- forward to church for the first time in an EXTREMELY long time! We're talking YEARS, here!
The Sheltie I think I told you about who had been tortured and then out in a plastic trash bag on the side of a country road that I wanted to adopt is doing really well! I called and talked to the vet who's treating him and she said the large wound is almost 80% closed now and he is already adored by everyone and has a home lined up. Thank God!
You know, I was thinking today that these people for blame God for everything bad really, in fairness, should be crediting Him for EVERYTHING GOOD that happens, shouldn't they? But they don't. They just blame Him, wrongly, for the bad stuff. Hmmmm.
Cheers!
Lisa
okay, it's time to get moving forward and quit sitting in neutral! I'm going to try to just gut my way through tomorrow and act like I have myself together. I'm going to put together very tight schedule and STICK TO IT!! I'm not going to read anymore of the current zombie novels I've been reading, and it's a real shame because he has seven books in the series. But something about them is hurting my soul. Nine of the others have , but this series is not good for me somehow. I'm reading them compulsively, like ... literally. If traffic is heavy, I've been reading in the car! I read from the time I got up until I HAD to get ready to go into the city for a doctor's appointment. It's far worse violence than the others and there's an evil female vampire who is running the zombies and is really, really creepy. Lots of cussing, but not more than you'd expect when the protagonist is a former Marine and is trying to save his family from zombies, I suppose! But cussing doesn't bother me usually, being quiet proficient at it myself. So, whatever it is, it is messing up something inside of me, so I'm done.
I also realized something that made me unhappy. I'm reading compulsively a lot because I've been avoiding God again. Of course, we just had a crazy week, and I don't think these books have helped. But I'm reading compulsively because I am anxious and apprehensive. About what? Well ... let me see. I'm still not unpacked. I'm still not exercising. I'm still not dieting, I still don't have my Bible studies out together or my study organized. The basement is a nightmare. I still don't have any drapes up. I'm still cleaning up behind an incontinent dog every day -- although I finally got up the nerve to make her start sleeping in the laundry room so she can only do so much damage. I still haven't got drapes up, I still haven't got pictures up, I still haven't finished painting the bathroom sconces, I still don't have any idea what I'm going to out in the den or in the library upstairs. I still hate doing all the cooking and the laundry and it wears me out. I'm not going to jazzercise OR yoga. I still don't have the dressing room figured out yeti md I can't get a handle on ironing clothes now that I'm having to do that myself. And I still have two VERY nasty jobs to do Saturday! I have been letting my little blind dog go to the bathroom in the garage during the winter and just trying to keep the poop picked up. But the garage smells bad, as you'd expect, and I will be cleaning it with a pressure washer this weekend and then cleaning all of the outside cushions and pillows that got left out door all winter long and had already gotten filthy dirty from the rotting, dead wisteria dropping on them and whatever the dark stuff is that a large tree puts out all over another area. The concrete and driveway are even stained from it! So that is going to be some yucky day, Saturday!
And I still haven't picked up the room my mother used or the room my husband's parents stayed in.
So ... what do I have to be anxious or apprehensive about?? Not to mention that I'm not speaking to either of my brothers! Oh, speaking of which, ... nah. Let's not.
So. Tomorrow. Big girl panties, for sure! No more moping! I did feel better today, so maybe it's possible.
I did go to the city to have some neurological tests done today, and they were no fun, in the least!!! One was putting electrodes on me in all sorts of different areas and giving me a shock . And, let me tell you ... they hurt!and then the other test was they stuck a large bore needle type thing in me all over the place and then had me move my muscles in various ways to measure the electrical signals going between my nerves and the muscles. Those needles were big and white painful, and then I had to move the muscle that they were poked in. So, NOT FUN!
The other part of the test was testing all sorts of reflexes. He finally got a reflex out of my right knee, but had to bang harder and harder on my left knee before it responded. And no ankle reflexes.
Oh! And I haven't taken care of having been sent the wrong chandeliers for the hallways upstairs, either!
While I've been writing this I've been making notes of things I need to do tomorrow in addition to the things I HAVE to do tomorrow.
At least I'm looking -- oh! I have to order my transcript, too! And send the forms for letters of recommendation for the seminary -- forward to church for the first time in an EXTREMELY long time! We're talking YEARS, here!
The Sheltie I think I told you about who had been tortured and then out in a plastic trash bag on the side of a country road that I wanted to adopt is doing really well! I called and talked to the vet who's treating him and she said the large wound is almost 80% closed now and he is already adored by everyone and has a home lined up. Thank God!
You know, I was thinking today that these people for blame God for everything bad really, in fairness, should be crediting Him for EVERYTHING GOOD that happens, shouldn't they? But they don't. They just blame Him, wrongly, for the bad stuff. Hmmmm.
Cheers!
Lisa
Tuesday, April 21, 2015
Day 66 - A Little Better
Dear Friend,
Today was still a rough day. I was "on" so constantly for a week and it took more out of me than I realized. The cleaners were supposed to come today, so I asked them to let themselves in and clean just the downstairs because I didn't have the upstairs picked up yet and was too exhausted to work on ot. Plus, I just couldn't handle seeing anyone. I also had the furniture moved back in place and all the folding tables and extra linens taken away and set my dry cleaning on the front porch! Then I just hid out upstairs. I just can'ttell you how tired I was. I noticed on the day of the inauguration that I felt extremely weak in my arms and my legs, but there was nothing I could do except do it. It's not the sort of thing that happens very often and I'm sure I'll recover. In the meantime, I have an EMG test tomorrow afternoon in the city. I'm not sure what that is, but it has to do with the autonomic nervous system. Maybe being this exhausted will help make things clear for the test?
I started getting some blood pressure around 3:00 in the afternoon and I was able to take care of getting two big Macys returns ready and all packaged up. Still have a loft and a Talbots to do.
I haven't done a single exercise yet. Not a single one.
I did get my makeup on and my hair fixed and real clothes on before my husband got home and even made a nice dinner. I've brought my prayer journal in to my bedside and have decided to start having my prayer time and my Bible reading in the morning while I'm struggling to get enough blood pressure going to get out of bed. Today was really awful. It was about 2-1/2 hours before I got out of bed, and even then I felt like death.
I'm going to get this all figured out, aren't I?
The church we visited has a womens retreat coming up the first weekend in May at a beach in New Jersey. I wonder if I could get my nerve up to go without knowing anyone? Heck, no!! Who am I trying to kid!
It's just 11:18 and I feel like I could go to sleep right now. That would be awesome.
Hmmmm ... I wonder if I can work a 2:30 appt in the city and the drive home into getting dinner out??
Cheers!
Lisa
P.S. It was strange being home without our daughter today. I'd gotten used to her being here.
Today was still a rough day. I was "on" so constantly for a week and it took more out of me than I realized. The cleaners were supposed to come today, so I asked them to let themselves in and clean just the downstairs because I didn't have the upstairs picked up yet and was too exhausted to work on ot. Plus, I just couldn't handle seeing anyone. I also had the furniture moved back in place and all the folding tables and extra linens taken away and set my dry cleaning on the front porch! Then I just hid out upstairs. I just can'ttell you how tired I was. I noticed on the day of the inauguration that I felt extremely weak in my arms and my legs, but there was nothing I could do except do it. It's not the sort of thing that happens very often and I'm sure I'll recover. In the meantime, I have an EMG test tomorrow afternoon in the city. I'm not sure what that is, but it has to do with the autonomic nervous system. Maybe being this exhausted will help make things clear for the test?
I started getting some blood pressure around 3:00 in the afternoon and I was able to take care of getting two big Macys returns ready and all packaged up. Still have a loft and a Talbots to do.
I haven't done a single exercise yet. Not a single one.
I did get my makeup on and my hair fixed and real clothes on before my husband got home and even made a nice dinner. I've brought my prayer journal in to my bedside and have decided to start having my prayer time and my Bible reading in the morning while I'm struggling to get enough blood pressure going to get out of bed. Today was really awful. It was about 2-1/2 hours before I got out of bed, and even then I felt like death.
I'm going to get this all figured out, aren't I?
The church we visited has a womens retreat coming up the first weekend in May at a beach in New Jersey. I wonder if I could get my nerve up to go without knowing anyone? Heck, no!! Who am I trying to kid!
It's just 11:18 and I feel like I could go to sleep right now. That would be awesome.
Hmmmm ... I wonder if I can work a 2:30 appt in the city and the drive home into getting dinner out??
Cheers!
Lisa
P.S. It was strange being home without our daughter today. I'd gotten used to her being here.
Monday, April 20, 2015
Day 67 - Too Tired!
Dear friend,
Well, I was too tired to get anything much done today. I woke up at 8:00 with an alarm and some resolve, and ,a aged to stay awake, but only just. I didn't handle my day well at all and made none of the grand leaps I imagined last night. I got the kitchen cleaned and that was about it.
I saw my psychologist today, but it was probably a waste of time because, in addition to being so tired, I was very closed down. I didn't realize it at first, but after a bit I realized that I very much had my guard up. I hated having that feeling of being so guarded that it was like I was nothing but sunk into myself very, very deep so that nothing could reach me. I'm sure it will wear off in a couple of days, as soon as my psyche realizes it is safe again.
I used to be a strong woman. I could make decisions and carry out long-term plans and was very disciplined. Now, I don't know if I have become a weak-willed woman, or if it's just a matter of all my strength being drained from me by other things. We'll see.
The cleaners are coming tomorrow, so I have to finish getting the house picked up. There was a flurry of purchases which are all over my bedroom and bathroom now. Tomorrow I have to get everything packaged up and taken to the post office or ups. I also have to get the laundry done and some ironing accomplished! I don't think I'll be able to make any progress on the house, but hopefully I can at least pull it back together without wasting too much time doing so. And exercise! I have to start exercising my hip muscles NOW!
If you pray, please pray for me, that I will be enabled to regain control of my life and self-discipline. Thank you, so much.
Cheers!
Lisa
Well, I was too tired to get anything much done today. I woke up at 8:00 with an alarm and some resolve, and ,a aged to stay awake, but only just. I didn't handle my day well at all and made none of the grand leaps I imagined last night. I got the kitchen cleaned and that was about it.
I saw my psychologist today, but it was probably a waste of time because, in addition to being so tired, I was very closed down. I didn't realize it at first, but after a bit I realized that I very much had my guard up. I hated having that feeling of being so guarded that it was like I was nothing but sunk into myself very, very deep so that nothing could reach me. I'm sure it will wear off in a couple of days, as soon as my psyche realizes it is safe again.
I used to be a strong woman. I could make decisions and carry out long-term plans and was very disciplined. Now, I don't know if I have become a weak-willed woman, or if it's just a matter of all my strength being drained from me by other things. We'll see.
The cleaners are coming tomorrow, so I have to finish getting the house picked up. There was a flurry of purchases which are all over my bedroom and bathroom now. Tomorrow I have to get everything packaged up and taken to the post office or ups. I also have to get the laundry done and some ironing accomplished! I don't think I'll be able to make any progress on the house, but hopefully I can at least pull it back together without wasting too much time doing so. And exercise! I have to start exercising my hip muscles NOW!
If you pray, please pray for me, that I will be enabled to regain control of my life and self-discipline. Thank you, so much.
Cheers!
Lisa
Sunday, April 19, 2015
Day 68 - WE SURVIVED!!!
Dear Friend,
I got super-distracted before I started even writing. My friend's daughter has some kind of infection going on in her foot. They are growing bacteria cultures from puss they pulled from her foot. I got to worrying whether they had thought about the possibility of a mycobacterium infection. Both my parents were harmed badly by a non-tuberculosis mycobacterium, but physicians don't think of these very often and they take two-three weeks to culture. So if physicians just give it a week, they'll never find the culture and will miss the correct diagnosis. I thought my mother's arm infection was caused by M. Kansasaii, but I ust read that tuberculosis can effect the joints and cause the same injury she has. Yikes! How ironic would that be if my dad was mistakenly diagnosed with tuberculosis and sent to a sanitarium for six months, and my mother actually HAD tuberculosis in her joint, but was never diagnosed! Anyway, I used to know mountains of information about this because the state of Texas kept my dad locked u in a sanitarium for six months when test after test and even lung biopsies came back showing he did not have TB. But, you know me. OCD when it comes to research, so it just looked u a bunch of stuff and sent it to her. Yay, her!
Anyway, all the family is GONE! Thank God. Now I'm going to hurry to say that it was not nearly as bad as I thought it was going to be. My mother behaved pretty well until last night when she started saying mean and spiteful things, but mostly just to me and my daughter. We were so extremely glad to tell eberyone goodbye and for it to be just the three of us again! After my husband got back from taking two cars to the airport, we both went to bed and slept like rocks for hours. Then the three of us went out to eat and came back and watched Journey of 100 Feet, which was absolutely beautiful!
After a catastrophic week like this, it always gives me a moment to step back and evaluate my life and see where I'm getting clogged up and weighed down and reexamine it. At this point I believe I can do anything. I want to get on the diet program my chiropractor is offering. I want to start doing at least the hip and leg exercises I have from the time my hip joint almost came out. I feel like I can get on top of keeping food in the house and getting dinner ready on time and managing my life will become simple. None of whch will be true, of course. I may make some course corrections for sure, but in old enough and have experienced enough to know that, as soon as I quit being so bloated from eating bread and butter all the time, I'm going to want it again. I'm going to want to do anything BUT exercise, and managing the household will likely remain as hard as it was. And, let's not even talk ant the basement!!!
But, I'll enjoy the feeling for the moment and see what actions I can actually turn it into. At least the holidays are over, the conference is over, and the inauguration is over. And our daughter has internship. Just that is enough to be happy about.
Here's to a good week for all of us!
Cheers!
Lisa
I got super-distracted before I started even writing. My friend's daughter has some kind of infection going on in her foot. They are growing bacteria cultures from puss they pulled from her foot. I got to worrying whether they had thought about the possibility of a mycobacterium infection. Both my parents were harmed badly by a non-tuberculosis mycobacterium, but physicians don't think of these very often and they take two-three weeks to culture. So if physicians just give it a week, they'll never find the culture and will miss the correct diagnosis. I thought my mother's arm infection was caused by M. Kansasaii, but I ust read that tuberculosis can effect the joints and cause the same injury she has. Yikes! How ironic would that be if my dad was mistakenly diagnosed with tuberculosis and sent to a sanitarium for six months, and my mother actually HAD tuberculosis in her joint, but was never diagnosed! Anyway, I used to know mountains of information about this because the state of Texas kept my dad locked u in a sanitarium for six months when test after test and even lung biopsies came back showing he did not have TB. But, you know me. OCD when it comes to research, so it just looked u a bunch of stuff and sent it to her. Yay, her!
Anyway, all the family is GONE! Thank God. Now I'm going to hurry to say that it was not nearly as bad as I thought it was going to be. My mother behaved pretty well until last night when she started saying mean and spiteful things, but mostly just to me and my daughter. We were so extremely glad to tell eberyone goodbye and for it to be just the three of us again! After my husband got back from taking two cars to the airport, we both went to bed and slept like rocks for hours. Then the three of us went out to eat and came back and watched Journey of 100 Feet, which was absolutely beautiful!
After a catastrophic week like this, it always gives me a moment to step back and evaluate my life and see where I'm getting clogged up and weighed down and reexamine it. At this point I believe I can do anything. I want to get on the diet program my chiropractor is offering. I want to start doing at least the hip and leg exercises I have from the time my hip joint almost came out. I feel like I can get on top of keeping food in the house and getting dinner ready on time and managing my life will become simple. None of whch will be true, of course. I may make some course corrections for sure, but in old enough and have experienced enough to know that, as soon as I quit being so bloated from eating bread and butter all the time, I'm going to want it again. I'm going to want to do anything BUT exercise, and managing the household will likely remain as hard as it was. And, let's not even talk ant the basement!!!
But, I'll enjoy the feeling for the moment and see what actions I can actually turn it into. At least the holidays are over, the conference is over, and the inauguration is over. And our daughter has internship. Just that is enough to be happy about.
Here's to a good week for all of us!
Cheers!
Lisa
Saturday, April 18, 2015
Day 69 - Make It End!!!
Dear Friend,
make them go home!! It is SO time for all the relatives to leave, and thank goodness, they are all going home tomorrow! Nothing has been as bad as I thought it would be or as it could have been. But neither has it been a lark, either! My mother did pretty well until a disastrous evening at what HAD been one of our favorite restaurants. I'm afraid this night's memory may ruin it forever for us. My mom started getting real argumentative and testy, but ... You know ... it was late and she was tired and in pain. Her testiness is more biting than other people's, but, overall, she still did pretty well during this time, especially with being in so much pain. But ... it is time for everyone to go home!
Cheers!
Lisa
make them go home!! It is SO time for all the relatives to leave, and thank goodness, they are all going home tomorrow! Nothing has been as bad as I thought it would be or as it could have been. But neither has it been a lark, either! My mother did pretty well until a disastrous evening at what HAD been one of our favorite restaurants. I'm afraid this night's memory may ruin it forever for us. My mom started getting real argumentative and testy, but ... You know ... it was late and she was tired and in pain. Her testiness is more biting than other people's, but, overall, she still did pretty well during this time, especially with being in so much pain. But ... it is time for everyone to go home!
Cheers!
Lisa
Friday, April 17, 2015
Day 68 - WOW! What a Day!!!
Dear Friend,
what an amazing day! This was the day of the inauguration ceremony and it was fabulous! Simply wonderful! I was so proud of my husband, I just can't tell you. He is an amazing speaker and he gave a very passionate speech about how college transforms lives and his vision for helping students succeed. His best friend spoke and gave him The Charge, which was very moving. Another dear friend who my husband mentored and is now the president of a large university, also spoke. Vice-President Biden sent him a personal letter congratulating him and our New York Senator came and spoke as well. There was a Marine Color Guard and a bagpipe band! When the recessional started, my husband grabbed my hand and had me walk with him. It was all very special and very beautiful. There was a huge spread for the guests, students, and faculty, and then a private lunch for us and our family and special guests. I have eaten SO MUCH.
I was super disappointed that my best friend wasn't able to come because of a family emergency. But I would have wanted to sit with her and visit all the time which would have made my mother super jealous and angry. Her messed up tendon seems to have become a broken bone. Her lower leg and foot is swollen up huge now.
I am going to try, yet again, to copy a picture here of the shoes I wore. You MUST see them! Let's see if I can figure this out using those little buttons at the too of this page. Hmmmm. Nope. That didn't work. How about this? There we go! That's it for now. So,glad this is finally over!
Cheers!
Lisa
what an amazing day! This was the day of the inauguration ceremony and it was fabulous! Simply wonderful! I was so proud of my husband, I just can't tell you. He is an amazing speaker and he gave a very passionate speech about how college transforms lives and his vision for helping students succeed. His best friend spoke and gave him The Charge, which was very moving. Another dear friend who my husband mentored and is now the president of a large university, also spoke. Vice-President Biden sent him a personal letter congratulating him and our New York Senator came and spoke as well. There was a Marine Color Guard and a bagpipe band! When the recessional started, my husband grabbed my hand and had me walk with him. It was all very special and very beautiful. There was a huge spread for the guests, students, and faculty, and then a private lunch for us and our family and special guests. I have eaten SO MUCH.
I was super disappointed that my best friend wasn't able to come because of a family emergency. But I would have wanted to sit with her and visit all the time which would have made my mother super jealous and angry. Her messed up tendon seems to have become a broken bone. Her lower leg and foot is swollen up huge now.
I am going to try, yet again, to copy a picture here of the shoes I wore. You MUST see them! Let's see if I can figure this out using those little buttons at the too of this page. Hmmmm. Nope. That didn't work. How about this? There we go! That's it for now. So,glad this is finally over!
Cheers!
Lisa
Wednesday, April 15, 2015
Day 70 - God Help Me!!
Dear Friend,
Today got off to a great start. My daughter was very stressed out over the new job and broke out in hives. She was exhausted and got in bed with me for a while, and then I suggested we watch a couple of episodes of "Friends" to shift her mood. We did that and she cheered up some before she left. But, my mother was very upset and crying and wanting to go home. Her foot was killing her and some other things had happened and she was very discouraged. So, that was fun trying to pull both of them out of the dumps.
My mother and I went to a tea room in a nearby village and it was soooo good! I had a smoked tea for the first, and last, time. Tea sandwiches, an amazing blueberry scone, and a chocolate cake thing. I'm still stuffed.
Then later we had a delivery of a variety of baked goods for my uh sand and I ate some more sweets. Boy, am I going to pay for all of this. I still haven't tried on my clothes for Friday!! Oh my gosh! I'm not even going to think about what I'm going to do if they don't fit!
Then I went to a Nine West out let store to buy wedge shoes for my daughter.
That's it for me, So sleepy! I'll be so relieved when this is all over and everyone has gone home.
Cheers!
Lisa
Today got off to a great start. My daughter was very stressed out over the new job and broke out in hives. She was exhausted and got in bed with me for a while, and then I suggested we watch a couple of episodes of "Friends" to shift her mood. We did that and she cheered up some before she left. But, my mother was very upset and crying and wanting to go home. Her foot was killing her and some other things had happened and she was very discouraged. So, that was fun trying to pull both of them out of the dumps.
My mother and I went to a tea room in a nearby village and it was soooo good! I had a smoked tea for the first, and last, time. Tea sandwiches, an amazing blueberry scone, and a chocolate cake thing. I'm still stuffed.
Then later we had a delivery of a variety of baked goods for my uh sand and I ate some more sweets. Boy, am I going to pay for all of this. I still haven't tried on my clothes for Friday!! Oh my gosh! I'm not even going to think about what I'm going to do if they don't fit!
Then I went to a Nine West out let store to buy wedge shoes for my daughter.
That's it for me, So sleepy! I'll be so relieved when this is all over and everyone has gone home.
Cheers!
Lisa
Tuesday, April 14, 2015
Day 71 - Too Good to Be True!
Dear Friend,
you will never believe this! My mother gave me a sincere compliment tonight. And a pretty major one at that. But first, let me tell you about the day real quick ... I have a good zombie book I want to get back to!
I woke up at 5:30, three days in a row now. I thought this is good because that's sort of when I'd like to actually be getting up. I think it's impossible, but there yu go. Then I woke up at 8:00. I could have gotten on up, but I decided to sleep some more. Mistake! Made the morning very hectic. The electricians were here most of the day trying to find the bad wiring. They had to do something so that we had power in the dining room for the night at least. The cleaners came, but were only able to clean the downstairs floor because of not having electricity upstairs. I had to take my mom in to see my chiropractor because she has bad tendinitis in the heel of one of her feet that is causing her a lot of pain and really messing up her visit. Then she wanted to go get something to eat. I really didn't have times but I took her to an authentic New York diner where she got a fantastic Reuben sandwich. We went home and I had to move all the cars to clear the semi-circle driveway for the guests. I got her settled in upstairs with an ice oak wrapped around her ankle. I had to deal with some problems with the front porch and then get changed. Except ... I was SO tired I really didn't want to! I out together an outfit I really liked: my black leggings with a long, lightweight ivory top from Loft with a lot of nice detail work on the front and an ivory sweater from Boden that only comes to the waist, but has the tails that hang down that yu can tie if you want. Some real pretty jewelry and my new ivory heels from Aerosoles, and it looked pretty good!
The dinner (8) went well. Still some issues with the service and the caterer, but I'll keep pecking away at it. The dinner went really, really well. It was all college stuff, but a lot of important things were decided there.
After dinner, my mother said she had just been thinking of all the myriad of people I had had to deal with that day. Oh ... The dry cleaner came in the midst of it all, too. And then pull off the dinner and take care of her. She said, "I see now so clearly why you have such a hard time keeping up with things and forget things so easily." She was just kind of stunned by how intensely busy my day was and I told her that it had not even been a particularly bad day. She expressed amazement which is pretty rare! I said that she can also see why I'm so tired all the time! So, this doesn't happen very much at all. Most of the time she tells me she doesn't see why I'm having such a hard time and how she does everything better than I do and wouldn't have the problems I'm having. Yeah ... that's always fun to listen to. She didn't see the dinner and so she didn't see all that I do with that and how I handle it all, even.
Something interesting came out at the diner. Turns to she's had it with my brothers, too!!! I said something jokingly about how she could live with my oldest brother, knowing that she doesn't get along with him at all. She told me that she had recently apparently told him off, big time, on the phone because of something he said to her. Then she said, "... and I don't want to talk about it!" I laughed and said that was fine, that I had several things that I don't want to talk about either. Then I told her that my brothers were going to be getting a very long letter from me that would include my telling them that they don't have to be a part of my life, and I don't need them. She just said she didn't want to hear about it and that was all. And my other brother, the one who has been so hateful on Facebook, she said she doesn't like being around him anymore because he's gotten so prickly and so opinionated and his way is the only right way, etc. So ... I fnd that interesting, don't you? Why, SURE you do!
Our daughter had her second day of work today and it went better than she thought it would. But she didn't get in until almost 8:00.
I talked to the chiropractor's office manager about a toxin/cleansing program he's got going, and it actually looks pretty good. Intense nourishment. I'm thinking about trying it for thirty days after the semester is over.
I can't find my phone, so I don't know if I have anything going tomorrow or not. Hope not. Desperately need a day at home!
Cheers!
Lisa
you will never believe this! My mother gave me a sincere compliment tonight. And a pretty major one at that. But first, let me tell you about the day real quick ... I have a good zombie book I want to get back to!
I woke up at 5:30, three days in a row now. I thought this is good because that's sort of when I'd like to actually be getting up. I think it's impossible, but there yu go. Then I woke up at 8:00. I could have gotten on up, but I decided to sleep some more. Mistake! Made the morning very hectic. The electricians were here most of the day trying to find the bad wiring. They had to do something so that we had power in the dining room for the night at least. The cleaners came, but were only able to clean the downstairs floor because of not having electricity upstairs. I had to take my mom in to see my chiropractor because she has bad tendinitis in the heel of one of her feet that is causing her a lot of pain and really messing up her visit. Then she wanted to go get something to eat. I really didn't have times but I took her to an authentic New York diner where she got a fantastic Reuben sandwich. We went home and I had to move all the cars to clear the semi-circle driveway for the guests. I got her settled in upstairs with an ice oak wrapped around her ankle. I had to deal with some problems with the front porch and then get changed. Except ... I was SO tired I really didn't want to! I out together an outfit I really liked: my black leggings with a long, lightweight ivory top from Loft with a lot of nice detail work on the front and an ivory sweater from Boden that only comes to the waist, but has the tails that hang down that yu can tie if you want. Some real pretty jewelry and my new ivory heels from Aerosoles, and it looked pretty good!
The dinner (8) went well. Still some issues with the service and the caterer, but I'll keep pecking away at it. The dinner went really, really well. It was all college stuff, but a lot of important things were decided there.
After dinner, my mother said she had just been thinking of all the myriad of people I had had to deal with that day. Oh ... The dry cleaner came in the midst of it all, too. And then pull off the dinner and take care of her. She said, "I see now so clearly why you have such a hard time keeping up with things and forget things so easily." She was just kind of stunned by how intensely busy my day was and I told her that it had not even been a particularly bad day. She expressed amazement which is pretty rare! I said that she can also see why I'm so tired all the time! So, this doesn't happen very much at all. Most of the time she tells me she doesn't see why I'm having such a hard time and how she does everything better than I do and wouldn't have the problems I'm having. Yeah ... that's always fun to listen to. She didn't see the dinner and so she didn't see all that I do with that and how I handle it all, even.
Something interesting came out at the diner. Turns to she's had it with my brothers, too!!! I said something jokingly about how she could live with my oldest brother, knowing that she doesn't get along with him at all. She told me that she had recently apparently told him off, big time, on the phone because of something he said to her. Then she said, "... and I don't want to talk about it!" I laughed and said that was fine, that I had several things that I don't want to talk about either. Then I told her that my brothers were going to be getting a very long letter from me that would include my telling them that they don't have to be a part of my life, and I don't need them. She just said she didn't want to hear about it and that was all. And my other brother, the one who has been so hateful on Facebook, she said she doesn't like being around him anymore because he's gotten so prickly and so opinionated and his way is the only right way, etc. So ... I fnd that interesting, don't you? Why, SURE you do!
Our daughter had her second day of work today and it went better than she thought it would. But she didn't get in until almost 8:00.
I talked to the chiropractor's office manager about a toxin/cleansing program he's got going, and it actually looks pretty good. Intense nourishment. I'm thinking about trying it for thirty days after the semester is over.
I can't find my phone, so I don't know if I have anything going tomorrow or not. Hope not. Desperately need a day at home!
Cheers!
Lisa
Monday, April 13, 2015
Day 72 - Nice Day! Nobody More Surprised Than Me!
Dear Friend,
Well, I had an enjoyable day with my mother! She is studiously avoiding conversation about my brothers, which is good. She complains constantly about being old and how bad it is and how miserable she is. This from a 91 year old woman who just drove from Tennessee to New York, takes care of herself, her car, her home, living alone in a 2400 sq ft house. I definitely get it. Life is hard and hurts and it gets worse as you get older. But she always forgets that I have Ehlers-Danlos Syndrome which causes me a great deal of pain and injury and the dysautonomia which comes with all of it's problems. I don't know if she is aware of how much she complains, but it was pretty much non-stop today. I try to be sympathetic, but then I reach an "alright, already!" state. She has apparently developed planters fasciitis which is truly miserable. Her ankle was a little red and painful when she got here, but it seems to have blossomed into the full thing. I iced her ankle today and then gave her Motrin, yes I know it's bad for you, but so is pain! I had her elevate it in bed after spraying it down good with Bio-Freeze. She said it got to feeling quite a bit better. I gave her Tylenol tonight and wrapped her ankle in a wide compression bandage and left two Motrin out for her to take during the night. The plan is to take her into see my chiropractor tomorrow if it's still hurting badly. He can at least do some E-stem on it if nothing else.
We went shopping today. She had planned on buying clothes for the inaugurations while she was here during these first three days we have to ourselves. By put then she didn't want to go at all. She's just like that. I said, "Well, you told me you wanted to go shopping, so were at least going to go look!" We went out to eat at a new restaurant that we enjoyed and then went to Chico's. We found several things for her that will look very nice. We brought them home for her to try on, but she didnt feel well enough to do that. Were going to go back and get her at least one pair of pants and look for shoes at a nearby Aerosoles. The heels I bought there recently are working really well. I'm just wearing them for short periods of time to try to get used to heels again. These are pumps, but they don't come off my heels, which is unusual!
I did get my time this morning to read my Bible and pray, so that helped a lot. We are having pretty extreme electrical problems. The insulation on some of the wires has worn off leaving the bare wires to fuse together creating 220 volts. The electrician said, as best as I could understand, that the house is old and people have, apparently, just been jimmy-rigging the electrical system forever and it's a huge mess! We still don't have power in a lot of the house. Including the dining room where we are supposed to host a dinner tomorrow night!
So, I hit my leg on the sharp edge of a table a week or so ago. It bruised badly, but all that's gone now. But it looks like I may be developing a fibrous tumor there. It's not quite the size of a quarter and real hard.
Our daughter started her internship today and ... oh my! It's going to be a really, really hard job. Mostly she will be analyzing the results of all their marketing efforts and preparing spread sheets for one million things. She's not terribly happy about this! Her internship is part-times but they may be changing that to a full-time internship starting next week. Lots of hard work. No pay. Better resume. But taking the train in is time consuming. They want her to start working till 6:00 at night. By the time she got to Grand Central and caught the hourly train and made it home, it's going to be almost 8:00!
Oh. I have a pair of slacks that I have barely been able to get on for the longest time, and couldn't get the zipper edges even close to each other, much less zipped up. Well, today on a whim, I tried them on and they fit fine. Must have been a lot of swelling, but I don't know what is different that it would go down.
I found a delivery service that delivers fresh meals to your house on MWF. It's all organic and, I think, vegetarian.
I'm turning ink. Have a great day tomorrow.
Cheers!
Lisa
Well, I had an enjoyable day with my mother! She is studiously avoiding conversation about my brothers, which is good. She complains constantly about being old and how bad it is and how miserable she is. This from a 91 year old woman who just drove from Tennessee to New York, takes care of herself, her car, her home, living alone in a 2400 sq ft house. I definitely get it. Life is hard and hurts and it gets worse as you get older. But she always forgets that I have Ehlers-Danlos Syndrome which causes me a great deal of pain and injury and the dysautonomia which comes with all of it's problems. I don't know if she is aware of how much she complains, but it was pretty much non-stop today. I try to be sympathetic, but then I reach an "alright, already!" state. She has apparently developed planters fasciitis which is truly miserable. Her ankle was a little red and painful when she got here, but it seems to have blossomed into the full thing. I iced her ankle today and then gave her Motrin, yes I know it's bad for you, but so is pain! I had her elevate it in bed after spraying it down good with Bio-Freeze. She said it got to feeling quite a bit better. I gave her Tylenol tonight and wrapped her ankle in a wide compression bandage and left two Motrin out for her to take during the night. The plan is to take her into see my chiropractor tomorrow if it's still hurting badly. He can at least do some E-stem on it if nothing else.
We went shopping today. She had planned on buying clothes for the inaugurations while she was here during these first three days we have to ourselves. By put then she didn't want to go at all. She's just like that. I said, "Well, you told me you wanted to go shopping, so were at least going to go look!" We went out to eat at a new restaurant that we enjoyed and then went to Chico's. We found several things for her that will look very nice. We brought them home for her to try on, but she didnt feel well enough to do that. Were going to go back and get her at least one pair of pants and look for shoes at a nearby Aerosoles. The heels I bought there recently are working really well. I'm just wearing them for short periods of time to try to get used to heels again. These are pumps, but they don't come off my heels, which is unusual!
I did get my time this morning to read my Bible and pray, so that helped a lot. We are having pretty extreme electrical problems. The insulation on some of the wires has worn off leaving the bare wires to fuse together creating 220 volts. The electrician said, as best as I could understand, that the house is old and people have, apparently, just been jimmy-rigging the electrical system forever and it's a huge mess! We still don't have power in a lot of the house. Including the dining room where we are supposed to host a dinner tomorrow night!
So, I hit my leg on the sharp edge of a table a week or so ago. It bruised badly, but all that's gone now. But it looks like I may be developing a fibrous tumor there. It's not quite the size of a quarter and real hard.
Our daughter started her internship today and ... oh my! It's going to be a really, really hard job. Mostly she will be analyzing the results of all their marketing efforts and preparing spread sheets for one million things. She's not terribly happy about this! Her internship is part-times but they may be changing that to a full-time internship starting next week. Lots of hard work. No pay. Better resume. But taking the train in is time consuming. They want her to start working till 6:00 at night. By the time she got to Grand Central and caught the hourly train and made it home, it's going to be almost 8:00!
Oh. I have a pair of slacks that I have barely been able to get on for the longest time, and couldn't get the zipper edges even close to each other, much less zipped up. Well, today on a whim, I tried them on and they fit fine. Must have been a lot of swelling, but I don't know what is different that it would go down.
I found a delivery service that delivers fresh meals to your house on MWF. It's all organic and, I think, vegetarian.
I'm turning ink. Have a great day tomorrow.
Cheers!
Lisa
Sunday, April 12, 2015
Day 73 - So Far So Good
Dear Friend,
Well ... Everything has gone fine so far, thank God! My mother has been very pleasant and amiable. She talks a lot and that's hard for me, but none of it has been mean or anything. She's having some problems with the stairs, but not too bad.
I went to that church this morning. I was late and it was very hard to find a parking place, oh -- I was out of gas and had to get some before I went across the bridge -- because there was a city street festival, so everything was packed. I really, really enjoyed it! I got there in time for some of the singing, and then the sermon was on the Holy Spirit and he used John 15-16 for his text. It was a pretty good sermon. They ended the service with a couple of songs, the last one being the old amaranth a song, "I love You, Lord, and I lift my voice, to worship You, oh my soul, rejoice." Do you know that song? It is loveliness itself.
I sent an email last night asking about the Sheltie, but I didn't hear back. Maybe they'll be open and someone will answer the phone tomorrow.
My mom and I are supposed to go shopping for her outfit for the inauguration tomorrow. I MUST try on all these clothes sitting in boxes and return the ones that don't fit. Please, God! Let something fit!!
I went to the grocery store after church and then made a pretty nice lunch. I laid down and read and dozed some and then drove my mother around the villages. Then came home and made a pretty big meal and cleaned up. It took FOREVER to get everything cleaned and I was getting so tired.
We don't have electricity in a bunch of the house tonight. The electrician came out and found that one of the circuits was carrying a 220 volt instead of the 110 it should be carrying. He and my husband spent most of the morning working on that,but he couldn't find the cause, so he had to just switch the circuit off. So we have no power in a lot of the upstairs, and if can't even plug in my heating pad!
Our daughter starts her internship tomorrow and I am so excited for her. She has been so depressed since she and her former boyfriend ended everything in bad terms and aren't texting anymore. I'm hoping that actually going to work in midtown Manhattan will cheer her up.
Have a great week!
Lisa
Well ... Everything has gone fine so far, thank God! My mother has been very pleasant and amiable. She talks a lot and that's hard for me, but none of it has been mean or anything. She's having some problems with the stairs, but not too bad.
I went to that church this morning. I was late and it was very hard to find a parking place, oh -- I was out of gas and had to get some before I went across the bridge -- because there was a city street festival, so everything was packed. I really, really enjoyed it! I got there in time for some of the singing, and then the sermon was on the Holy Spirit and he used John 15-16 for his text. It was a pretty good sermon. They ended the service with a couple of songs, the last one being the old amaranth a song, "I love You, Lord, and I lift my voice, to worship You, oh my soul, rejoice." Do you know that song? It is loveliness itself.
I sent an email last night asking about the Sheltie, but I didn't hear back. Maybe they'll be open and someone will answer the phone tomorrow.
My mom and I are supposed to go shopping for her outfit for the inauguration tomorrow. I MUST try on all these clothes sitting in boxes and return the ones that don't fit. Please, God! Let something fit!!
I went to the grocery store after church and then made a pretty nice lunch. I laid down and read and dozed some and then drove my mother around the villages. Then came home and made a pretty big meal and cleaned up. It took FOREVER to get everything cleaned and I was getting so tired.
We don't have electricity in a bunch of the house tonight. The electrician came out and found that one of the circuits was carrying a 220 volt instead of the 110 it should be carrying. He and my husband spent most of the morning working on that,but he couldn't find the cause, so he had to just switch the circuit off. So we have no power in a lot of the upstairs, and if can't even plug in my heating pad!
Our daughter starts her internship tomorrow and I am so excited for her. She has been so depressed since she and her former boyfriend ended everything in bad terms and aren't texting anymore. I'm hoping that actually going to work in midtown Manhattan will cheer her up.
Have a great week!
Lisa
Saturday, April 11, 2015
Day 74 - Mother Arrived
Dear Friend,
My mother arrived safely and not even terribly exhausted it seemed. Her gps took her 70 miles in the wrong direction, but otherwise, she had an uneventful trip. She loves the house and got to see the downstairs. But we went to dinner and when we came back, some fuses blew and many of the upstairs rooms were dark, so she couldn't see them. She's planning on staying a week or more, "until we get tired of being around each other."
I was able to get some work done around the house and some clothes folded and out u.
Tomorrow, my husband and I are visiting that church again. Hope I can figure out something for lunch. I finally got a grocery order in late last night, and it should be delivered Monday.
Tomorrow, I must need to press on with the laundry and try on the clothes that have arrived and make decisions. I tell you, I want EVERYTHING in the Sahalie catalogue. Literally. I love almost everything in it. I'm going to have to be replacing a lot of my summer clothes from last year. They were on their last legs at the beginning of the summer, but I didn't want to try to replace anything last summer when I was packing to move. So ... this summer, I truly do need some new clothes. I ordered three pairs of Jag Jeans from 6:00 PM on sale for around $37 each. They are the pull in kind and are supposed to prevent you from having a muffin top. But these Sahalie skirts are so adorable!
Must get a waist!
So, still trying to figure out hw to love myself and not consider myself just a commodity to be used by other people. I have been over the pain caused mpby my brothers today,thank you, Father! And I was glad to see my mother and stayed calm around her. I don't feel like I need a second clonopin, okay.mmthats the report for now.
Cheers! (Or screams!!)
Lisa
My mother arrived safely and not even terribly exhausted it seemed. Her gps took her 70 miles in the wrong direction, but otherwise, she had an uneventful trip. She loves the house and got to see the downstairs. But we went to dinner and when we came back, some fuses blew and many of the upstairs rooms were dark, so she couldn't see them. She's planning on staying a week or more, "until we get tired of being around each other."
I was able to get some work done around the house and some clothes folded and out u.
Tomorrow, my husband and I are visiting that church again. Hope I can figure out something for lunch. I finally got a grocery order in late last night, and it should be delivered Monday.
Tomorrow, I must need to press on with the laundry and try on the clothes that have arrived and make decisions. I tell you, I want EVERYTHING in the Sahalie catalogue. Literally. I love almost everything in it. I'm going to have to be replacing a lot of my summer clothes from last year. They were on their last legs at the beginning of the summer, but I didn't want to try to replace anything last summer when I was packing to move. So ... this summer, I truly do need some new clothes. I ordered three pairs of Jag Jeans from 6:00 PM on sale for around $37 each. They are the pull in kind and are supposed to prevent you from having a muffin top. But these Sahalie skirts are so adorable!
Must get a waist!
So, still trying to figure out hw to love myself and not consider myself just a commodity to be used by other people. I have been over the pain caused mpby my brothers today,thank you, Father! And I was glad to see my mother and stayed calm around her. I don't feel like I need a second clonopin, okay.mmthats the report for now.
Cheers! (Or screams!!)
Lisa
Friday, April 10, 2015
Day 75 - Mother Arrives Tomorrow
Dear Friend,
I am really depleted. I was so tired today. I decided to let myself sleep until I woke u because all that yesterday really took it out of me. I stayed up late taking care of some things I needed to purchase: panty hose, a slip, etc. then slept till 10:45. I had an appointment with my psychologist today at 4:00, and I just decided to stay in my nightgown and sit in my study until I had to get ready to leave for the appointment. So, I went downstairs to let the dogs out and make some coffee only to find that my Jack Russell had diarrhea again all over the kitchen floor! She had a diaper on, but it came out of her diaper. I am about to lose my mind over this!! Literally! I got up most of it and then put paper towels over the areas that had dried and would need more work and then poured ammonia on the towels and just went back upstairs! I don't know what to do about her. She was really sweet last night and even let me hold her and pet her for several minutes before she had to get down. But I was able to hold her for more than five minutes which is kind of a record.
I was bummed out so much and refused to go to the door for anything. I had written a letter of recommendation for a student and emailed her that the door was unlocked and to come on inside and the letter would be sitting right there. She wasn't sure what to take so my daughter helped her. Then the dry cleaners came and she got the door for them. And then, out of the blue, the cleaning service comes in! There was just no way I could handle people in the house! So I called the woman in charge and she said she had arranged for them to come because my mother was coming tomorrow. I told her that that was not needed and they were glad to get to go on. And then my psychologist called and she had that my appointment was at 2:00! I think this was a mistake because I had a card from her and I am certain it said 4:00. I had entered it into my phone just the evening before. But she said that she could see me at 3:00 if I could make it and I said yes. Well, like if said, I was still in my nightgown and had to get on some clothes and rush to get there. I was pretty hungry because the only thing I had had to eat all day was a cup of coffee with some soy creamer in it and the bacon slices I forgot to put on my BLT yesterday. I was a little upset because I had not had my prayer time. I keep avoiding God because I don't want to hurt and when I talk to Him, I have to deal with the pain. IMF I can just keep my mind busy I can avoid it. So all I had done was Facebook a lot. I found a picture that says a passionate woman is worth the chaos she causes. I posted it because it seemed appropriate. My sweet husband commented "absolutely!"
So I got there and just fell apart completely again abut the further awful comments of my brothers on Facebook that have been so mean and directed at me. I told her that this wasn't love. They did not love me. I think she was going to try to tell me that that wasn't necessarily true, but I was very adamant, that is not how you treat someone if you love them. And that I didn't have a family anymore. I already knew that was how my mother was, but I hadn't known it about my brothers, but now I did. She's not wild about me writing them, but I told her I was going to. She asked me why and I said it's because I feel like a victim. I feel like I've been pounded onto the floor and am just lying there saying it's okay. So, we talked about that some and how to do it. I told her I didn't know how to break up with a brother. I asked her what had happened to me last week when I couldn't hardly move after meeting with her. If you recall, I was walking to my car when it suddenly hit me that my mother had NOT said that, oh not, she would never do something deliberately to hurt me, the context being the horrible things one brother was writing and she was liking and sharing. It just hit me that she had dropped the subject entirely, so I realized that she had, indeed, done it just to hurt me. And I just froze up. Couldn't hardly move. Just sat in the car in the position I was in when I closed the door staring down at the other side of the floor until she returned from wherever she had gone and pulled up to the car to check on me. She said that I was in shock. That people who have been traumatized are real quick to go into the "fight, flight, or freeze" mode, and I had frozen.
I told her that I was just going to write them something short saying he badly they had hurt me and that they had treated me without love or respect and I wasn't going to let them treat me like that and, basically ... sayonara, losers! But ... nope. I'm not going to be able to do that. Just can't. I'm going to take them down and out over the things they have said and the way they have acted. And THEN say, sayonara, Losers! Can't do anything for a while yet, though. My Mom is less than four hours away so she will probably be here tomorrow before noon. I suspect that she will act very nice and be well-behaved while she's here. Especially with my husband here. She does not mess around with him anymore at all after the rounds they have been through over the years.
My husband and I went out tonight to have some time together before the week begins. I have no idea how I'm going to get through all this with being so upset by my family, including my mother right now. I'm not going to talk about any of this with her, but there's just no telling how everything is going to go. Hopefully I will be surprised and it will be a great week. I just need to keep my focus on my husband and what this week means for him. It's frustrating because my best friend is going to come up, but I don't know if I'll get hardly any time to spend with her. Bummer!!
Oh, gosh. I just realized I did not look at the proposed menus for the big dinner Friday evening.
Well ... one last thing before I go. I found out about a twelve year old sheltie that was tortured and put in a plastic trash bag and thrown out on the side of a country road near where we used to live. They couldn't believe he was still alive when a father and son found him. They got him to a viet and he's being treated in Nashville. His story just ripped my heart out. How anyone could hurt a dog is beyond me, it's pure evil. But to do it to a a SHELTIE!! Oh my gosh. I hope and pray with all my heart that they find who did this. I've given money for his treatment and have called them twice and emailed them that I want to adopt him. I really, really want him. I was just able to leave voice mails. In the article they said it would be white a while before he was well enough to be adopted.
Well ... that's it for me. I've got to get this with my brothers finished in my heart. I can't let this keep messing me up.
Well ... life ends tomorrow for a while. But ... it will all come to an end and well be here alone again, just the three of us.
So ... have a good weekend. I'm pretty sure it will be better than mine!
Lisa
P.S. Hey! I just found a picture symbol on the top bar and figured out how to add a picture ... finally!
I am really depleted. I was so tired today. I decided to let myself sleep until I woke u because all that yesterday really took it out of me. I stayed up late taking care of some things I needed to purchase: panty hose, a slip, etc. then slept till 10:45. I had an appointment with my psychologist today at 4:00, and I just decided to stay in my nightgown and sit in my study until I had to get ready to leave for the appointment. So, I went downstairs to let the dogs out and make some coffee only to find that my Jack Russell had diarrhea again all over the kitchen floor! She had a diaper on, but it came out of her diaper. I am about to lose my mind over this!! Literally! I got up most of it and then put paper towels over the areas that had dried and would need more work and then poured ammonia on the towels and just went back upstairs! I don't know what to do about her. She was really sweet last night and even let me hold her and pet her for several minutes before she had to get down. But I was able to hold her for more than five minutes which is kind of a record.
I was bummed out so much and refused to go to the door for anything. I had written a letter of recommendation for a student and emailed her that the door was unlocked and to come on inside and the letter would be sitting right there. She wasn't sure what to take so my daughter helped her. Then the dry cleaners came and she got the door for them. And then, out of the blue, the cleaning service comes in! There was just no way I could handle people in the house! So I called the woman in charge and she said she had arranged for them to come because my mother was coming tomorrow. I told her that that was not needed and they were glad to get to go on. And then my psychologist called and she had that my appointment was at 2:00! I think this was a mistake because I had a card from her and I am certain it said 4:00. I had entered it into my phone just the evening before. But she said that she could see me at 3:00 if I could make it and I said yes. Well, like if said, I was still in my nightgown and had to get on some clothes and rush to get there. I was pretty hungry because the only thing I had had to eat all day was a cup of coffee with some soy creamer in it and the bacon slices I forgot to put on my BLT yesterday. I was a little upset because I had not had my prayer time. I keep avoiding God because I don't want to hurt and when I talk to Him, I have to deal with the pain. IMF I can just keep my mind busy I can avoid it. So all I had done was Facebook a lot. I found a picture that says a passionate woman is worth the chaos she causes. I posted it because it seemed appropriate. My sweet husband commented "absolutely!"
So I got there and just fell apart completely again abut the further awful comments of my brothers on Facebook that have been so mean and directed at me. I told her that this wasn't love. They did not love me. I think she was going to try to tell me that that wasn't necessarily true, but I was very adamant, that is not how you treat someone if you love them. And that I didn't have a family anymore. I already knew that was how my mother was, but I hadn't known it about my brothers, but now I did. She's not wild about me writing them, but I told her I was going to. She asked me why and I said it's because I feel like a victim. I feel like I've been pounded onto the floor and am just lying there saying it's okay. So, we talked about that some and how to do it. I told her I didn't know how to break up with a brother. I asked her what had happened to me last week when I couldn't hardly move after meeting with her. If you recall, I was walking to my car when it suddenly hit me that my mother had NOT said that, oh not, she would never do something deliberately to hurt me, the context being the horrible things one brother was writing and she was liking and sharing. It just hit me that she had dropped the subject entirely, so I realized that she had, indeed, done it just to hurt me. And I just froze up. Couldn't hardly move. Just sat in the car in the position I was in when I closed the door staring down at the other side of the floor until she returned from wherever she had gone and pulled up to the car to check on me. She said that I was in shock. That people who have been traumatized are real quick to go into the "fight, flight, or freeze" mode, and I had frozen.
I told her that I was just going to write them something short saying he badly they had hurt me and that they had treated me without love or respect and I wasn't going to let them treat me like that and, basically ... sayonara, losers! But ... nope. I'm not going to be able to do that. Just can't. I'm going to take them down and out over the things they have said and the way they have acted. And THEN say, sayonara, Losers! Can't do anything for a while yet, though. My Mom is less than four hours away so she will probably be here tomorrow before noon. I suspect that she will act very nice and be well-behaved while she's here. Especially with my husband here. She does not mess around with him anymore at all after the rounds they have been through over the years.
My husband and I went out tonight to have some time together before the week begins. I have no idea how I'm going to get through all this with being so upset by my family, including my mother right now. I'm not going to talk about any of this with her, but there's just no telling how everything is going to go. Hopefully I will be surprised and it will be a great week. I just need to keep my focus on my husband and what this week means for him. It's frustrating because my best friend is going to come up, but I don't know if I'll get hardly any time to spend with her. Bummer!!
Oh, gosh. I just realized I did not look at the proposed menus for the big dinner Friday evening.
Well ... one last thing before I go. I found out about a twelve year old sheltie that was tortured and put in a plastic trash bag and thrown out on the side of a country road near where we used to live. They couldn't believe he was still alive when a father and son found him. They got him to a viet and he's being treated in Nashville. His story just ripped my heart out. How anyone could hurt a dog is beyond me, it's pure evil. But to do it to a a SHELTIE!! Oh my gosh. I hope and pray with all my heart that they find who did this. I've given money for his treatment and have called them twice and emailed them that I want to adopt him. I really, really want him. I was just able to leave voice mails. In the article they said it would be white a while before he was well enough to be adopted.
Well ... that's it for me. I've got to get this with my brothers finished in my heart. I can't let this keep messing me up.
Well ... life ends tomorrow for a while. But ... it will all come to an end and well be here alone again, just the three of us.
So ... have a good weekend. I'm pretty sure it will be better than mine!
Lisa
P.S. Hey! I just found a picture symbol on the top bar and figured out how to add a picture ... finally!
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