Dear Reader,
Today started off rough. Everywhere I looked was disorder, chaos and dirt. And everything I saw that was out of place or dirty or a mess, in other words, EVERY place is looked said to me, "You're a FAILURE! You're a FAILURE! A FAILURE, FAILURE, FAILURE!
I think that's what you call negative self-talk??! It's kind of up there with me saying every time I look in the mirror, "YOURE DISGUSTING! YOURE SO FAT!!" I am compassionate with others, but merciless to myself. At least I caught what I was saying to myself today and tried, unsuccessfully to convince myself that it was untrue. But, I tried. And then I decided to pony up and clean it! I was worried about my neck, but it is enough better that I was able to get A LOT of work done today. The entire kitchen is clean, the kitchen table is clean, the big island counter is clean. Another lamp has been found and set up in the family area. All sorts of things were carried upstairs where they belong to be sorted through tomorrow. I finished unpacking a tall box of kitchen things and put the remaining paper into it, filling it up. I relocated the dog beds from the staircase landing to our closet-to-be room. But, most importantly, I swept all of,the important areas of the downstairs AND MOPPED it all!
I worked really hard all day. I way surpassed my fitbit goal of 10,000 steps. I had on a nice channel I found and just be-bopped away, cleaning to the music. The house looks so much better! And this calms my nerves don. And ... makes me feel like I'm worth something after all and am not a failure! There's something wrong here, but I'm not sure I exactly know what. This is where my counselor would say, "What does that say to you?" and I would say, " uh ... um ... hmmmm? What was the question??"
I'm determining my worth by my ability to beat back the chaos. I'm determining my worth by my performance. I am not seeing any intrinsic worth in myself. This is not good in these particular circumstances in which I am having to determine each moment what is the priority. When unpacking trumps cleaning too many times,this is where I land. I am most unkind to myself, ripping at myself when I fail to be everything and accomplish everything. Let's see. I'm 57. I wonder at what point I'll get past this demanding taskmaster in me?
We had an interesting lunch. There is a super rich and exclusive country club in our area with a long history. It is truly gorgeous! A man who lives behind us in a jaw-dropping estate (a movie was filmed there) invited us to lunch. He gave us a history of the area, didn't go quite as far back as the Indians, but pretty close! He also had some advice for my husband about how to help the strained relationship between the collage and the two villages in which it lies. Lays. Why do,I always have problems with this??
For dinner we went to the local health food store and picked out things to make a big salad for dinner. Were really enjoying having these salads. Then we had fresh berries with ice cream. I tried a new product that is dairy free and made from cashews. It was delicious! Far superior to all the other non-dairy options I have tried. I also bought some raspberry/chocolate sauce, and wow! It was really great.
I called my mother and it was one of,those times when she was MY MOTHER! When I told her that I had Ehlers-Danlos Syndrome, she acted completely uninterested and changed the topic immediately to herself. I've been posting some stuff to Facebook since I've had this very bad experience with my neck and she's read about it, including the article I attached. She said she had to read the article several times because it just wasn't getting through to her. Then she finally realized that this is what her daughter has and is experiencing constantly, and it really got to her and she was very concerned for me. She said her defenses are so high and strong that upsetting things just almost can't get through to her. So, it was a lovely conversation for me, because she acted like she cared about me and had concern for me. Doesn't happen often. This is what my counselor spoke of one time when she said to see if I can see. Y mother in each context, or if I can only see her illness. So, this time I saw my mother.
Poop patrol has been delayed to tomorrow. I didn't have time to do it before our lunch and then it was too hot. I don't like the idea of picking up,dog poop at all, and I'm sure not going to pick up HOT dog poop!
Our pool is ready now and my husband got in it and enjoyed it. It's still too cold for me, so I just sat there with my feet in the water. Everything was so beautiful! Just lovely.
I'm trying leaving my dog in her diaper tonight. I'm not sure,this is a good,idea, but she is only peeing about three times during the night, and I think this will hold it.
I have big plans for cleaning hues tomorrow. I have to get our daughters's bed made with the sheets and blankets I had to buy since I still haven't found any. And then I want to get a lot of cleaning and tidying done upstairs, mostly in our room and bathrooms.
So, that's it for tonight. Have a great Sunday! I feel slightly guilty for not going to church any since we got here. But I am okay with having some weeks dedicated to unpacking before starting back into the real world.
Cheers!
Lisa
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