Dear Reader,
Today was just awful and very frustrating. I couldn't wake up again this morning. It was after 10:00 am before I was able to haul myself out of bed. That made me so mad at myself! I went downstairs at once because I had to plan a large reception for next week. I knew I was angry so I did some tapping, as recommended. I tapped alL the correct places while saying, "Even though I overslept drastically this morning, and even though I don't understand what happened, I unconditionally love and accept myself." I still don't know if tapping is valid or not, but just repeating that I unconditionally love and accept myself was meaningful to me. I decided to consciously work at not being angry ay myself and disparaging myself, and instead, be kind to myself. I don't know why I can't wake up. It is something physical going on, so it does no good to get and stay angry with myself. So the tapping helped some, and kept me from vilifying my incompetence like I usually do.
Planning the reception took a long time, but I think I have a menu that is going to be wonderful. I take a lot of time in considering the look of the different dishes, how well the tastes will meld with each other, how they look on the platters, and always arranging for colorful appetizers, featuring a wealth of texture, colors, and taste; while still maintaining an underlying continuity. I also have to be very conscious of cost and how well the appetizers will keep if the group runs late. I think I nailed this one. It's $12 per personal but I decided that's ok.
By the time I was finished, though, I felt awful. Just awful. I thought it was the dysautonomia and that I probably needed to eat and take in a lot of salt and fluids. You have to actually increase your blood volume to get your blood pressure up. So, I got a couple of large glasses of water down and ate some salty tortilla chips, etc., then laid down. I set an alarm, but either it didn't go off, or I slept through it, because I slept about an hour or so. I still didn't feel much better, so doing everything the rest of the evening was a chore. After I got up from the nap, it dawned on me that I had gone immediately downstairs to start my work, and had not taken my supplements, which meant meant I had not taken the beta blocker! So apparently I absolutely do need at least that morning dose, and I will be careful to not forget it again.
I knew this rebooting my life was going to be hard, but I didn't think it would be THIS hard! I thought I'd be seeing a little bit of progress by now! I MUST get on track, or at least get moving!!
I did get some more research done on WW1 today. The British government let the remaining soldiers down so badly that it makes our current VA medical system look fantastic! I ordered "All Quiet On the Western Front", which I have never read, and "The Guns of August." This book won the Pullitzer Prize and is considered to be one of the most important non-fiction books there is and a book to be sure to read in your life time. I had never heard of it! And I ordered a kindle edition of The Regeneration Tilogy. This is supposed to be a very good and historically correct novel set during WW1.
You will learn that I am a research hound. I love it! Once I sink my teeth in something, I don't quit! Here's a fun fact for you. Guess why President Wilson brought the US into the war after he had resolutely remained neutral? Because a telegram was intercepted from Germany to Mexico asking them to join the war and attack the US on our border to deter us from entering the war! No one wanted the Germans to know their code had been cracked, so they kept that telegram a secret.
Anyway, what in the world am I going to do about myself? I was determined to not waste time today and get a lot done, but then I had an orthostatic episode caused by the dysautonomia and these episodes can sometimes take a few days to get over!
I really thought it would be easier than this to get myself straightened out, but apparently it takes more than good intentions and hopefulness. I guess it's going to take daily hard work on my part. Rats!
Tomorrow is usually date night, but my husband has some events he has to go to, so that romantic movie with Kate Winslet will have to wait. We are meeting up with our very good friends who live in another city for dinner tomorrow evening. That should be a lot of fun.
My plan for tomorrow is to try again to wake up at a decent time, and then stay upstairs all day tomorrow! Literally, not go downstairs at all! I have so much work to do up here that that is all I am going to focus on tomorrow. After I take my beta blocker that is!
It's 11:27. I made a light dinner, so I think I'll go downstairs and have some oatmeal. Should be in bed by 12:00 which will be great. ( Well, maybe not since it is now 11:56.)
How do you feel about your character flaws and foibles? Do you get angry at yourself like I do, or are you kind and understanding and encouraging towards yourself? I think that I am seeing that it will be very important that I change attitude toward myself before I can get some other major changes accomplished. I would never treat a child who failed to meet my expectations like I treat myself. With myself I am angry and berate myself unmercifully. I would never treat anyone else like that.
This is going to take more hard work than I thought. Why is nothing ever easy??
Cheers!
Lisa
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