Dear Reader,
I didn't get much done today. I set my alarm and got right up and got into my exercise clothes, washed my face, brushed my teeth, brushed my hair ... and got back in bed to take my dozes. I set up the pillow that elevates my feet and, the next thing I knew, it was 11:39. I hadn't gone back to sleep, I just lay in bed, thinking and dozing a bit between snoozes. I had a hard time making myself get out of bed and that's when I realized how late it was. I think I must be going into fugue states again. I imagine its a result of the stress of moving and so much uncertainty right now. But, whatever the cause, it is a bit of a regression. So, the new plan is to do as I did today, except go get in my recliner in my study to doze. See if that will help.
It won't matter tomorrow because I'll be taking my kitty in to the vet to be fixed and get a location chip put in. I plan to go on to Starbucks to have my prayer time, read my Bible, do some research, and possibly write an article I've had in my head about the need to quit keeping alcoholism a secret. My son is encouraging me to write this article, especially since Philip Seymour's death. That hit him pretty hard.
The drive to see my counselor was rough. It was raining on the way to see her, but then raining hard on the way back. Traffic was mostly at a standstill because of wrecks. But I'm glad I went. We had a good visit. She hadn't known about the days of just laying in bed for hours as a child. Didn't know that I am not interested in eating in the mornings. Not really interested until in the afternoon. She was excited with me about the possibility that parathyroid tumors could explain a lot of symptoms and begin to untangle everything else. I asked her what she thought about tapping. She knew a little bit about it and thought it was interesting. I told her that you are to end each repetition by saying, "I unconditionally love and accept myself." I realized that that is not true for me. That I am angry at myself most of the time because I'm not "normal." I don't have a normal life story. I don't have a normal family. I don't have normal experiences of growing up like other people do. I mean, take Christmas for example. Christmas was pure nightmare in my home. For years, as an adult, I would have real anxiety attacks when stores first set out Christmas items. One time I had to run out of a store and call my psychologist because I was freaking out so bad. And THAT is not NORMAL! My emotional problems are not normal, neither is my PTSD or my physical problems. Nothing about me is normal. I can't go for a walk without the talus bone in my ankle coming out of joint! NOT NORMAL!!! So to say I unconditionally love and accept myself has made me aware of that anger. I could tell that that will be where we start at the next session. She is such a help to me and such an encourager. I'm very grateful for her.
I didn't get to exercise today, even though I actually kind of wanted to. Getting up so late messed all that up. Our daughter was super upset last night because her bank had screwed up her account. She had called them and they said they would fix it, buy they didn't and it just made it worse. I told her she needed to go see a bank officer to get it worked out. That was a little too much for her to handle, so I said I'd go with her and that helped calm her down. But that took up what little bit of time I had to do anything else. She did a good job. Almost succumbed to telling the woman at the counter what was wrong, but I tapped her elbow and she changed her approach and said she just wanted to talk to a bank officer. When the bank officer came and got us, she told her that it was a long story, but she'd try to make it short. I interrupted her and told her that she didn't need to make it short, just tell the woman what happened. So she did, and did so quite clearly, and the officer took care of the whole matter right then. I was able to talk to her some about retaining power in different settings and that, if she had gone into the matter with the teller, she would have relinquished a great deal of her power and would have put herself at the mercy of this woman and the embarrassment of talking about it in front of a line of people who grew increasingly annoyed with her for taking so long. Also had a talk about not allowing anyone to have access to her money. That's what started the whole thing, she tried to set up an automatic transferral of funds and the bank screwed it all up. She cancelled all automatic transferals and came home and paid off her little credit card balance. So, that all went well. Just as we were leaving our son called, upset about just learning about Phillip Seymour. We had a very good conversation, so that was nice, too. All in all, this was a "good mom" day.
Other than taking care of my cat, I don't have anything I have to do tomorrow. My husband has to go to a poetry reading and then a piano concert! Geez! I'm SO SORRY that I'll be missing that!! :-) So I hope to get some work done tomorrow for sure!
I made a juice again this evening. I used celery, spinach, carrots, bell pepper, an apple, and some mango. Again, it was really good! But somehow I didn't want any dinner and just ate a couple of large bowls of salad. And by the way, I nought a really cheap juicer years ago and it still works great. You don't need to get one of these big expensive ones. I've had an expensive one before, and the cheap one does just as good a job.
We watched the Biggest Loser finale this evening. David was simply unrecognizable! Rachel looked like she needs to put 15-20 lbs back on. Bob looked remarkable. I love that show. One of my favorite things to do is to eat ice cream (almond) or something else bad while I watch it and enjoy the irony!
It's 12:46 am now. My husband is snoring, If I go to a different room it will wake him up and he won't be able to go back to sleep, so I won't be able to sleep and we'll both be exhausted in the morning. That's what always happens! And no matter how tired I am in the evening, I tense up when I actually try to go to sleep.
I have a lot I need to do before I leave. I need to get back in to see the immunologist and the cardiologist. I need a referral to an endocrinologist and a rheumatologist. And I need to get into a regular habit of exercising. Don't know how it's going to all happen!
Well, I hope my complicated life makes yours seem more bearable! Still working on your resolutions? Hope things are progressing well for you!
Cheers!
Lisa
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