Dear Reader,
Today was a good day. It started off terribly, but the rest of the day was good.
I had a really bad nightmare this morning in which my mother tried to kill me. It was a long nightmare. I partially woke up several times, but kept going back into it. I think I've had dreams of her trying to kill me, but it's been a long time, or I just can't remember them at the moment. I won't go into all the details since you have your own nightmares, I'm sure, though hopefully not about your mother! I wish I had had this before I went to see my counselor because I think there were some significant elements to it. I won't see her for a month and it may be crowded out of my mind by that time. One interesting thing is that, when I did get myself of the life-threatening situation (oh, okay ... she had pushed me off of a cliff and I was hanging on by some small roots and she was just staring at me coldly and with hate, obviously wanting me to die, but I managed at last to hoist a leg over the edge of the cliff and pull myself up), so when I did get myself safely back on to the ground, I started screaming at her, furiously angry. That's something new. I have always been too afraid of her to do anything like that.
I have no training in dream analysis, but there were some things in this dream that were so obvious that I don't think it would take an expert to catch them. One is, of course, that I believe my mother is a true threat to my very life, symbolically as well as literally. One time my counselor warned me that my mother was very dangerous and I needed to not be around her as much as possible. She is more dangerous at some times than at others, but she also has the ability to attack out of nowhere with no warning. But, in all honestly, I have seen my mother in states where I really do believe she could kill me or someone else.
The other thing I saw in the dream was the feeling of being trapped and helpless. I was actually back in my childhood home in my bedroom where I really was trapped for so many years. There was a lot of dependency showing up too in some different ways. One is that I had to call my husband to come rescue me from the room. He was in New York, so he couldn't get there until the next day. But my being rescued was dependent on him, I couldn't rescue myself.
Later, in the dream, I was in the car with my mother and my oldest brother to take him somewhere. This was still in the context of her having tried to kill me the day before, and I was still waiting for my husband to come get me. I found out that the trip was going to take four hours, and there was no way I was going to stay in the car for four hours with my mother. So I demanded that she pull to the side of the road and let me out. She did, but when I tried to get out, I tripped at the curb and fell and dropped my books and my purse and everything in it fell out. So, even when I did have the gumption to effect my own escape, I was incompetent and bungled it badly. I made it to a diner where I fell asleep in a booth. When I woke up, I realized I didn't have a credit card of any money to be able to buy any food or anything to drink. So there's helplessness again. After a while (this was a LONG dream) I decided to try to call my best friend to come get me, but I couldn't find her phone number in my phone. So there's some more incompetence, helplessness, and dependency for someone to rescue me. At the end I was trying to figure out how I could call one of two women I knew in real life who lived in that area and see if they could come get me, but I didn't know how to find their phone numbers to be able to call them.
So, an interesting blend of self-perceptions. On the one hand, I was able to get myself back into safety and verbally attack my mother for trying to kill me. That's a start. I did demand to be let out of the car, and I did manage to get out, though I fell doing it. On the other hand, I went to the house with her and was back into letting myself be trapped again. Here's an interesting thing which emphasizes the helplessness feeling. I crawled out of my bedroom window and hid behind a shrub to call my husband to tell him what happened and to come get me. I could have walked away and gone somewhere else, but I didn't. I incompetently rescued myself from the car, fell asleep in a diner (complete vulnerability), had no money and could not find phone numbers for anyone I knew who would come get me.
If you knew some of the dreams I used to have, you'd realize that I actually have made a LOT of progress. Well, maybe I should not use all caps! Maybe "a lot of progress" more aptly captures the truth.
So, what, if anything, should I take from this dream? Or was it just a bad dream? A trait of a Borderline Personality Disorder is that, if they feel abandoned, they will attack the person who they fear is abandoning them. I've known all along that the move to New York would probably set her off because it represents her "other" finally, actually abandoning her. I has caused her to lose her emotional equilibrium, what little she had, but does the dream represent the depth of an attack that I fear? Where's a psychiatrist when you need one???
The main thing is that I must not let her move to New York. I must not invite her, and if she decides to move there, I will need to tell her no.
Here's the thing. Do you remember the old Peanuts comic strip? Do you remember when Snoopy wants to kick the football away from Lucy and she tells him to be prepared to suffer the consequences if he does it, and he walks away saying, "My life is full of un-suffered consequences."? That's what I've got going on here. I've only rarely been willing to suffer the consequences in dealing with her and have chosen safety almost every time. I don't despise myself for this, though. It was all completely overwhelming as a child, and then I was raised to be afraid of her and to never ever EVER do anything to upset her because of fear of the rage she would go into. Then I became the protector of my family by keeping her happy enough that she wouldn't attack anyone. My sister-in-law told me that she thinks God is moving us to New York to protect me from her. That the cost of living, the high taxes, and the weather will be enough to keep her from moving there. Well, the future will unfold one day at a time, that's for sure.
Okay, so, moving on.
I did contact the endocrinology department and rheumatology department and talked to them about getting in. Both of them require a doctor-to-doctor referral, but my doctor's office was closed, apparently, because I wasn't able to reach anyone. I also put in a call to my cardiologist about referrals and who she would recommend. So ... movement! We have movement!
I FINISHED MY FILES!!! At last! Threw away a lot of things. I came across a pamphlet for AVID, one of the companies who make locator chips you put in your pets. I wanted to get them registered with their national service, but it turns out that they can't find any records for me at all! They suggested I take one of them to a vet and get them to read the number off of the chip and call them with it and they would see if they could find something that way. It just occurred to me, though, one last place I can look and see if I can find the chip information.
I didn't pay attention to eating today. I had three of those Buddy Fruit things, the things of smashed up fruit for little kids, you've seen them. I know they are kind of disgusting, but they don't make me sick in the mornings if I eat them. Well, I just kept working at my desk for a really long time and ate (slurped?) three of them. After a while I realized it was 3:30 and I hadn't eaten anything else and was finally hungry. There wasn't anything to eat in the house, so I HAD to go to the grocery store. I didn't do all of the errands I needed to do because I worked too much on the desk. But I did go to the dry cleaners, the alterations lady, and the grocery store for a few things, mostly dog food! Only problem is, I got home with everything but the dog food! I had enough canned food to feed them, but I'll have to go back to the store tomorrow, darn it.
The moving company person did not show up today. I did call the moving company I talked about yesterday and told them that I really needed a visual inspection to be able to calculate the cubic square feet and the weight. They said that they would give me a guaranteed bid based on what the other companies say.
I also decided to cancel the appointment to have the small cavities in my wisdom teeth filled. They are still in the enamel, so how bad can they be? I'm just afraid that they'll get started and something bad will happen and I'll suddenly have to have the teeth pulled without anesthesia and I won't be able to use pain pills and it will turn into something awful. So I'm going to wait until after we get moved to do something about this.
We have found out that it will be okay for us to stay in the house until June 1, so that's great if it becomes necessary.
I didn't exercise again today. Why? Well ... I've been trying to figure that out. I wanted to get dressed for the day right away and so I didn't start the day out wearing exercise clothes. First mistake. Then I just really wanted to keep working at the desk because I was getting so much done. I would have had to stop, change clothes, work out, and change clothes again. Then, it was too late for me to exercise. See, yesterday it worked out well exercising in the afternoon, and that's what I wanted to do today. So, what it comes down to, again, is that I didn't exercise because I didn't want to. Also, I hurt my shoulder again doing just a few push-ups and planks yesterday. So annoying! I'm going to have to go to the chiropractor next week and get my neck and shoulder put back in place to stop the pain. My finger finally did go back into place today, thank goodness.
I am not going to quit until I have conquered myself! I realize that this is an issue of character as much as anything else. My character faults show in my lack of self-discipline, which Brian Tracey defines as "doing the right thing at the right time whether you feel like it or not." My will power to "DO" is not stronger than my willpower to "NOT DO" ... yet!
Well, tomorrow is Saturday. I have events starting at 4:30 and going all through the evening tomorrow. So, even though sleeping in is usually my number one goal for Saturdays, if I want to get much done (including picking up dog food!) ... and EXERCISING ... I'd best not sleep too late.
I hope you have a great day tomorrow. Whether you plan to work or play or rest, I hope you have a wonderful time.
Cheers!
Lisa
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