Today was not a great day. I told my mother that I would go to a luncheon today that started at 11:30, but getting anywhere in the morning usually makes me very stressed, and this morning was no exception. I didn't have time for prayer or for reading my Bible, or for even eating breakfast. But, no matter what I did, it seemed like I was moving through molasses. I had to make a casserole to take, and then make my own lunch to take since I knew I would not be able to eat anything there. Well, everything went wrong from boiling a pot over, to not being able to open the lunch meat container, to over-warming my tortilla so it turned hard and wouldn't make a wrap, to not being able to get the lunch meat apart! Literally! I was getting very aggravated and let fly a couple of choice words. My housekeeper said, "Ah! Did you say such-and-such????" I joked around with her that I had NOT said that, and she needed to get her hearing tested! The joke, of course, being that she is deaf! She laughed so hard and then got a little upset and said, "I'm going to miss this so bad!"
I finally made it to the luncheon, but was a full hour late. It worked out because the hostess had not been able to get everything finished, and so they were just starting to serve themselves. But, I find that as I am getting more focused on the house and on getting ready to leave, my introversion is returning in full force. It was so hard to make myself leave this morning. Like swimming up a very hard stream, I SO did not want to go. I tried to find a way to make it my mother's fault (she pressured me! she's going to be judging me! she's talking about how I'm always late! I wouldn't be going if she hadn't asked me if I was going to come!, etc.), but even I knew that none of that would fly. Yes, she did ask me if I was coming; yes, I probably wouldn't have come if she hadn't brought it up. But I'm the one who said I'd go, I'm the one who stayed in bed too late, and I'm the one who had problems getting ready to go. So ... rats. It looks like it was all my own fault!
I did do one thing right, though. I did exercise before I left. Not a full set, but at least twenty minutes of good hard exercising. I didn't feel good after it, and I'm not sure why. Possibly because I didn't take the time to warm-up, possibly because I was rushing, possibly because I didn't like the Spotify playlist today. Maybe my blood pressure dropped. I'm not sure, but it didn't feel good during or after.
I know that all I have to do is just turn that corner! You know the corner I'm talking about. The one where you don't want to do it, and you don't want to do it, and you hate doing it and then ... all of a sudden ... you LOVE DOING IT! Maybe corner is not the right analogy. Maybe a hill comes closer, kind of like The Little Engine That Could! But I know there's a point where I finally wrestle my way through my stubborn, rebellious self and work my way through the initial aches and pains and quit making excuses and start to become actually committed to working out. And then it is smooth sailing and I can't understand why it took me so long! I know that corner, or that hill, is out there ... I just have to keep trying.
I planned on walking after I got home, but I live in such a crummy part of town. It's ugly once you get off the campus with a lot of traffic and fumes. And some areas are just plain dangerous. There's one area just a block away where I'm pretty sure I saw a drug deal going down one time when I was walking there. I had my one dog with me who I think might actually PROTECT me if someone started something. These four men were standing at the back of a van just staring real hard at me and, frankly, acting a little menacing. I just played the "Southern charm" thing with my own special twist of Texan "don't even think about messing with me!" I call it my own special form of "Southern Aggression!" So I walk on up toward them smiling when I got close saying, "Hey, there! You having a good day?!" (big smile, big smile!) They just watched me the whole time and never said a word and I have never walked in that area again!
I can walk around campus, but it is not especially big and I've lived here for seven years and my dogs don't do well walking around the students. So ... I didn't do anything else this evening. Tomorrow I have to be out of here like a shot. I'm having lunch with a friend in "the big town about an hour away from us" and then see my counselor. Things have been kind of harried recently with all the interviews and uncertainties and trips to New York; so I'm not even sure what we're working on at this point! So, there won't be time to exercise tomorrow at all. When we move, there will be SO MANY trails! I am SOOOOO excited about that. But, OH MY GOSH! If I don't get these six pounds off I don't know what I am going to do. I am literally so ANGRY at myself for gaining them and for not getting them off and for thinking that I could eat the potato chips and fries AND not go to the gym. And I'm angry that I'm having a hard time making myself workout now, and I'm angry that it looks like I will have to start going to the gym and just wasting 40 minutes a day driving there and back. And there is nothing I hate more than running errands and spending time in the car.
I tried doing the Welcoming Prayer today when I was getting very anxious about getting to the luncheon. I should probably learn more about it before I try to put it in action. But my basic understanding is that you welcome whatever emotion you are feeling. Rather than repressing it, or trying to ignore it, you allow yourself to fully feel it and become more aware of how you feel and learning from it. Now, I may have that all wrong, but I think that's what it is. So, when you are angry, you say, "Welcome, anger" ... a-n-d ... I don't really remember the rest of what you're supposed to say! This isn't in the Bible or anything. I think it comes more out of monastic tradition, but I think it has benefits. Especially for someone who is really good at disassociating and going into fugue states! This WW1 trilogy I'm reading has four characters who are in various stages of disassociation and personality splitting. One of them has had a complete split and has a separate personality, the others are not that far gone. I'm very grateful that it never went that far with me. Thank God! Maybe this week I'll read up more on this welcoming prayer thing. I did stop and did some tapping this morning. "Even though I stayed in bed too late this morning, and even though I'm going to be late to the luncheon, and even though I feel like I am moving through molasses ... I still unconditionally love and accept myself." Assessment of tapping: still have no clue!
Now, the good news is that my husband did not have any problems last night at all, and we both got a really good night of sleep. He had an ultrasound done this morning and hopefully we will hear back soon. The doctor did some blood work and my mother is the one who realized that he was probably testing to be sure he hadn't had a heart attack. You know, you can find certain enzymes in the blood if you have had one.
Oh! Here's something interesting. The ladies at the luncheon who were sitting by me told me that my mom said she was thinking of moving back to Texas, to the small town where we went to church for a long time and where I got married. This was a big surprise to me, but I actually think it sounds like a really good idea. My husband's mother and step-father live there, too; so we could go to see them both at the same time. My father is buried in that area and my mother still has friends there. So ... that seems like a good idea. She hasn't said anything to me about it yet. Oh, and she was completely fine at the luncheon. She was just glad to see me and wasn't saying anything about me. That's not in my imagination, though, in case you're thinking it is. She has actually done that many, many times. But I was happy that she didn't today.
After the luncheon I went to a Starbucks and had a chai latte with soy milk and read my Bible, prayed, and read some. That was relaxing. I basically ate pretty well today, except for eating about SIX Glutino oreo-type cookies! I am going to have to call a moratorium on them for a while, apparently.
I am literally so mad at myself about this weight. Six pounds makes a big difference when it's all around your middle! All my pants and skirts are tight and I'm just disgusted with myself. But ... THAT is part of why I am keeping this blog. To MAKE myself come face-to-face, each day, with what I am doing to undermine myself.
I'm going to have to start back at the gym, and I'm thinking about getting an exercise swimsuit and going to the pool to work out, rather than getting back on the elliptical. We'll see. Oh, and I have decided that I AM going to replace all my file folders! I went to Tuesday Morning to buy some at their prices. They always have beautiful file folders for very cheap ... except today when I am actually looking for them. I checked online and there's no way I'm going to pay what they actually cost, so I'm just going to wait till Tuesday Morning gets some in.
Well, I'm super tired now, so I'm going to say goodnight. I didn't get to work in my study at all today, and I'm not going to get to tomorrow, either, and that's very frustrating. But hopefully I'll be able to really hit it on Thursday.
So, mixed reviews on the day. I'm disappointed in myself that I let anxiety build up in me pretty bad. I'm disappointed that I was so angry at myself for having gained weight and for being late to the luncheon. There's still a lot of work to be done ... and I am quickly running out of time to do it!
Have a good night and sleep well.
Cheers!
Lisa
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