I thought of one more encouraging thing this morning. I have not been regular with exercising, but even so, when I have exercised, I haven't injured myself. That means I am doing things carefully, as I need to.
I didn't take my beta blocker last night, but I did use the magnesium lotion.
And, I realized why I use lists and timers so much. I don't know if you have experienced trauma, but one of the things that constant trauma causes is fugue states. Since there was no safety anywhere as a child, I simply disappeared often for protection. I remember one time when I was five years old sitting in a courtyard talking to a boy a little bit older than me and telling him about dreams I had all the time. Don't laugh, but they were all about me being a jungle princess and living in a massive, hollowed out tree that was decorated lavishly inside. (Okay, go ahead and laugh!) I started telling him about it and the next thing I knew, it was early evening and I was sitting in the same place. The boy was gone, and I had no idea what had happened. I must have been "away" for a couple of hours. I imagine what finally roused me was that someone must have finally missed me and called me.
The trauma apparently caused me to go into fugue states throughout high school. A story for another day is what happened my senior year of high school when my psyche apparently started realizing that I no longer needed the fugue states for safety. Breaking out of that was actually pretty freaky. Another day.
Anyway, I think I started using all the to-do lists and and timers as a way of grounding myself into the present reality. I have often tried to tell myself that I'm an adult now. I KNOW what I need to do when I get up in the morning and don't need a list! But, either it's so engrained, or I do still actually need them, because I'm so uncomfortable if I don't have a daily list written out each night before I go to bed that I HAVE to do it if I'm going to get any sleep.
You can see how if it were just the health problems, or just the emotional problems, life would be different. But it's trying to deal with the whole gamut that gets overwhelming sometimes.
Anyway, changing the topic. I slept so much last night and this morning! I turned out my ights at 2:00 am. I'm not sure why it was that late, to be honest. I didn't think I lost time, but I must have because I think we were in bed by 11:30. I slept till 10:30 this morning, and then dozed and played with my cat till 12:30! I felt so GOOD when I got up!! It was such an amazing feeling! To actually feel good! I made us a big brunch and now feel like sleeping some more, but I think I'll resist. If I use the day right I should be able to finish up a lot of things that have been hanging over my head.
I finally finished the inventory of our Christmas decorations! Since I have to give massive parties, I virtually decorate two homes. I decorate the downstairs very posh, very elegant. Then I decorate upstairs with OUR Christmas things. All of my kids Christmas ornaments and drawings from their school years, and our ornaments that go back 36 years! I still use the ornaments we bought at half-price from TG&Y after we first got married! My husband has said that he's going to try to not give events during December after we move, because I'm so worn out by our university events taking up so much time and wearing me down to a frazzle each year that I have no energy or enthusiasm for our family Christmas. Christmas has become just an exhausting burden, and I get no pleasure at all from it anymore.
Oh, I tried not eating every speck on my plate this morning. I made gluten- and egg-free mini blueberry and walnut muffins this morning. I wanted a third one, but I actually remembered and thought to myself that there would be food in the future and I did not need to eat it. Yay!
So, I've been thinking about morning affirmations and wrote something today. It's not exactly a set of affirmations, but I'll share it with you, anyway.
It's morning, and I don't like it and don't really want it. "No, thank you," I say. But I say it politely.
I turn down the new day like I would turn down a second cup of coffee. No, thank you.
I say this because My Own Personal Misery has wrapped itself around me like a blanket, and I want to stay settled here, in my warm and comfortable bed, with it tucked in around my shoulders.
It's warm here in my bed, and it's cold outside it. All a new day promises is another day of struggles and failures. I want to just stay here. Yesterday's failures weigh me down and press me into my bed and whisper into my eager ears -- "Don't come out. Don't try again. It's safe here where you are and there are no struggles here. Be still, Hurting One. Be still and sleep, for nothing good will come of joining this day except more pain for you to bear."
But another voice interrupts the soothing voice and calls me and says,
"Arise! Shine! For thy light has come, and the glory of The Lord has risen upon thee!"
I tell the voice to go away. It is much too loud and obnoxiously full of hope. But it's refrain keeps repeating.
Arise. Shine. Light has come.
The voice keeps whispering, asking for me to answer. I cling more tightly to My Own Personal Misery and try to stop my ears. But the voice is now within me and gently urges me.
Arise. Shine. Your Light has come.
Willfully, I gather My Own Personal Misery around me, keeping me warm. Keeping me protected and safe.
Arise! Shine!
Arise! Shine!
Arise! Shine!
"But, why?" I ask, my voice sounding petulant even to my own ears. "I can't succeed. I'll only fail in some new way. All there is for me to arise to is to fail again."
I listen to my complaining voice, full of my own self-interest. My own self-concern and self-pity. My ego. My hubris.
Paul said, "For me to live is Christ, and to die is gain."
But I say, "For me to live is me. Me, me, me, me, me."
I, I, I, I ...
The self-conceit that is endless.
But the voice continues and I hear it in my soul, more insistent now, "Arise, Healing One! Shine, Awakening One! For THY light has come, and the glory of the Lord has risen upon thee!"
MY Light! What a beautiful possessive pronoun! The Light Who has given Himself for me, and to me. For this day.
The voice calls me to respond to something outside of myself. To respond to the Light that has come. To respond to this Glory I can see if my selfish heart will let me. If I will set aside My Own Personal Misery. Cast off it's seductive voice and look to see this Light and Glory.
I am not being called to enter a new day to win or lose; to succeed or fail. I am called to enter the day to look and to see. I am arising to see this One who shines. This One who is All Glory.
I am not called to arise into my tiny world of trying and failing, the endless cycle of a life lived for itself. I arise to see and to live and to respond to the One who calls me into His glory.
I need a wider vision, a vast perspective. Glory has entered this world, my world. I am invited, called, into this Day by the One who made it.
Let me enter it with wide eyes, gazing at grander things than My Own Personal Misery, my treasure trove of miseries that now seem so small and trite.
I will arise. I will shine. I will respond to this Glory that calls me into a new day. His beautiful and wonderful day, full of hope and and beauty because it is full of His Glory.
Moses cried out, "Show me Your glory!" And I cry out as well, to the voice that my selfishness could not silence.
Let me look, today. Look purposefully so I can see on this new day. Let me look and see Your Light this day and walk in Your Glory.
Cheers!
Lisa
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