Dear Reader,
I saw the endocrinologist today. He says that I have the beginnings of hyper-parathyroidism, but it wouldn't be of any use at this point to do anything about it. As I understand, one of my parathyroid glands has become overactive and has probably begun the process of cell multiplication, but not to the size of a tumor yet. He says that their research shows that there is no benefit to the patient from removing anything at this point. He is going to refer me to a specialist in Manhattan who he says is one of the top experts in the nation. I'll need my calcium levels checked yearly and a bone density test every other year. I had one two years ago and it was normal, which also makes him feel that I am in the very beginning stage of this and that the levels of calcium in my blood are not sufficient to cause the fatigue I experience. So, good news and not so good news. I wanted a quick fix, and this sounded like it would be that. But I also don't want to have surgery on my neck!
I was so tired driving there and back. I'm looking forward to sleeping late tomorrow for sure!
I was going to start in the basement "no matter what" tomorrow . . . but I don't think I will. I just really really REALLY want to finish my study! I may spend a little time down there, but most of it will be in the study. I have one notebook out that I have to go through. It looks like maybe I was writing one Bible study, but kept grabbing sections out of others and throwing the, in. I suspect that is because I was probably rushing each week like crazy and didn't have time to put lessons together right. But I've got to get it figured out tomorrow!
Didn't exercise ... for real didn't have time. Came in to town and went straight to a movie theater to meet my husband and then to dinner. Will probably work out tomorrow, but my OCD will be high because I didn't get to work any at all today.
We saw Liam Neison in "Non-Stop" tonight. It was really good! I tore off seven fingernails during it! This has become my new standard for rating movies ... how many fingernails I lost!
Okay, now here's something you need to know. If you or someone you know has kidney stones, they need to have their blood calcium levels checked. High blood calcium is a cause of kidney stones! Who would have thought of that.
Well, I'm going to bed now. I came up with a great movie idea on the way home this evening. I've always said my husband and I could write better screenplays than most of the movies we see, if we could just come up with a plot. Well ... I did! And it's actually very unique and has some great plot twists. I'm excited about it. If it only weren't for being so lazy!!!
Have a fantastic weekend! And, while were on the subject (oh, we weren't?) why is the Loft letting me down right now??? They usually have such fantastic sales, but right now they've got next to nothing and the sales they have aren't very good. Our daughter starts her internship this week and has next to no professional clothes!
Cheers!
Lisa
Friday, February 28, 2014
Thursday, February 27, 2014
Day 78 - Nothing Much to Report
Dear Reader,
I was so anxious last night that it was hard for me to go to sleep. But I did get a lot of sleep and woke up in a much better mood, thank goodness!
Oh, and last night I ordered a very inexpensive athletic swimsuit off of Amazon, it only cost $19.00. I think I'm actually starting to look forward to getting back into the water. I for sure will be after we get back from Jamaica!
I see the endocrinologist tomorrow at last.
I chewed on some nails, but used cuticle scissors instead of biting my cuticles. Progress??
I ate fine today and had a big salad for dinner.
I didn't exercise. Had a luncheon and met with the artist who will be painting my husband's portrait for the university. That was fun. She took a lot of photos of him and we went through them all together. I liked her a lot. But that took a chunk out of my day. I also had to go to the grocery store to get dinner, so I ran out of time to exercise.
I called another moving company to come give us a price.
I got a good night's sleep, but had a spell of weakness hit me this afternoon and I had to lay down for a good while. It got a little better after a while, but then bad again after dinner. I don't know what caused it.
I tried putting the labels on all my ring binders, but it was almost impossible to put the clear plastic and the label into the slots for them. Just about lost it trying! I can't use the 2" labels I got and had to order more of the one inch. Using the metal magazine holders to hold up the notebooks worked really well, and I have ordered two more of them. I got as much done as I had supplies for, and it is making such a great difference in how the whole shelf looks. Can't wait to get it finished after the things I ordered get here.
One notebook is in such a jumble that I can't figure it out. I'm going to have to go through it carefully and figure out what in the world I was doing. I'm not sure what my next step is supposed to be, but it doesn't matter because I'm going to have to get on the road quickly tomorrow.
Our daughter got over her snit and came back home this evening like nothing had happened.
And that is it for now. I started reading All Quiet on the Western Front yesterday. And my husband brought a book home for me to read called The Energy Bus. He says it's a little trite, but has some good things in it.
So, have a great night of sleep and a wonderful FRIDAY!!
Cheers!
Lisa
P.S. Am I really going to quit working in my study to start on the basement Saturday? I'm more than half way through and hate to stop, but I might decide to hit the basement hard Saturday and then come back to the study on Monday. My mind might could use a break.
I was so anxious last night that it was hard for me to go to sleep. But I did get a lot of sleep and woke up in a much better mood, thank goodness!
Oh, and last night I ordered a very inexpensive athletic swimsuit off of Amazon, it only cost $19.00. I think I'm actually starting to look forward to getting back into the water. I for sure will be after we get back from Jamaica!
I see the endocrinologist tomorrow at last.
I chewed on some nails, but used cuticle scissors instead of biting my cuticles. Progress??
I ate fine today and had a big salad for dinner.
I didn't exercise. Had a luncheon and met with the artist who will be painting my husband's portrait for the university. That was fun. She took a lot of photos of him and we went through them all together. I liked her a lot. But that took a chunk out of my day. I also had to go to the grocery store to get dinner, so I ran out of time to exercise.
I called another moving company to come give us a price.
I got a good night's sleep, but had a spell of weakness hit me this afternoon and I had to lay down for a good while. It got a little better after a while, but then bad again after dinner. I don't know what caused it.
I tried putting the labels on all my ring binders, but it was almost impossible to put the clear plastic and the label into the slots for them. Just about lost it trying! I can't use the 2" labels I got and had to order more of the one inch. Using the metal magazine holders to hold up the notebooks worked really well, and I have ordered two more of them. I got as much done as I had supplies for, and it is making such a great difference in how the whole shelf looks. Can't wait to get it finished after the things I ordered get here.
One notebook is in such a jumble that I can't figure it out. I'm going to have to go through it carefully and figure out what in the world I was doing. I'm not sure what my next step is supposed to be, but it doesn't matter because I'm going to have to get on the road quickly tomorrow.
Our daughter got over her snit and came back home this evening like nothing had happened.
And that is it for now. I started reading All Quiet on the Western Front yesterday. And my husband brought a book home for me to read called The Energy Bus. He says it's a little trite, but has some good things in it.
So, have a great night of sleep and a wonderful FRIDAY!!
Cheers!
Lisa
P.S. Am I really going to quit working in my study to start on the basement Saturday? I'm more than half way through and hate to stop, but I might decide to hit the basement hard Saturday and then come back to the study on Monday. My mind might could use a break.
Wednesday, February 26, 2014
Day 79 - All Work and No Play ...
... makes Lisa grumpy and glum!
Okay, I am now sick of inventorying my library! I almost finished the first bookcase today, but my phone ran out of juice with four books left to go. It is definitely taking longer than I thought it would. Tomorrow I will log in those four books and put the remaining stacks that are on the floor in the book case and then start on the notebooks on the bottom shelf of the credenza. I'm kind of looking forward to going through those. I literally sometimes forget what I've written so far, so it will be fun/discouraging to take a look at it all again. I haven't opened those notebooks in quite a while!
I scheduled out the entire order of going through my study and I am so far sticking to the order. I HATE doing this. I don't like sticking with one task at all. I don't even like to put all of my makeup on at one time and sometimes put it on in intervals mixed with other things! I don't think it's ADD, but whatever it is, it is driving me crazy. I prefer to flit from one thing to another, but keeping on task this long is very unusual of me. I really want to be finished by the end of the week. It is remotely possible, but not realistic since I have to go to see the endocrinologist Friday. That's a minimum of three hours right there. But, whether I am finished or not, I am moving to the basement on Saturday.
We had movers come in today, and it was harrowing! We have SO MUCH STUFF!!! Thirty-six years of marriage will do that. The basement is a pure-D disaster! I don't know how I'm going to get it all sorted out and organized. I mean, I know I will, but it seems overwhelming just looking at it. I'll divide it into sections and take it on section by section. We leave in ten days to go on a vacation to Jamaica for a week. And then there will be two months left. Is that right? Yes, I guess so. That doesn't sound nearly as bad as I thought it was. And I remembered that I have already sorted through everything in the parlor, also, so that's another room that is finished. It's not been inventoried and has a lot of my special things, but I'm going to not go back until I've sorted through the rest of my things.
My eating today was fine. I've definitely become a morning tea drinker, something I never would have believed would happen. And, since I keep forgetting to pick up Coke Zero, I may have started to break my habit of having one can at lunch if I am eating at home. I cooked fish for dinner and, I don't know if my temperature was up too high under the skillet or what, but it did not turn out well at all. I had three Glutino cookies, but no Nutella. I love Nutella and occasionally will eat up to three teaspoons of it just straight from the jar. It has such a strong taste, that it really hits the chocolate and sweet cravings for not very many calories.
I did get in some exercising this evening. I'm sure about thirty minutes. I am definitely getting stronger. I can hole planks a lot longer and I can do the side planks now and do ten dips on each side while holding the position. And when I do reverse crunches, my butt does actually come up off the ground a little bit. Before it was more just wishful thinking! My personal strategy for dealing with injury tends to be to ignore it and pretend that it will go away. That's what I've been doing with my right shoulder, but just those planks and twenty easy push-ups have it hurting bad again. What I really need to do is go to the prolotherapist and have some injections done in it and in my right wrist. My right wrist has been messed up because of a trainer I had for a while for ... guess how long? TWO YEARS, that's how long! When I put ip,y head in the sand, I put it in deep!
It's just now 11:00 pm and the only thing I have left to do is to make a to-do list for tomorrow, so it looks like I'll be getting to sleep earlier tonight which will be great!
I had a fuss with my daughter this afternoon and she took off in a huff, taking her clothes with her to stay with someone tonight. It's not a huge thing, and she started texting me casually after a few hours. But it made me realize how much I'm going to miss her after we move.
Well, I guess that's enough for now. Still hitting the nails and cuticles pretty hard.
I hope you have a great day tomorrow!
Cheers!
Lisa
Tuesday, February 25, 2014
Day 80 - Progress is Slow and Painful
Dear Reader,
I'm still swollen up above my belly. The prednisone dose last night knocked it down by half, but it still is a thing of note! It's so weird when it's like this. When a lot of blood plasma is released into the surrounding tissues, like in this instance, it takes 4 days for your lymph system to reabsorb it. Bummer. The all over pain that I was in last night is much better today, I'm very glad to note.
I got up earlier today and my housekeeper didn't come in till late, so I had a nice morning all to myself. I used my nice tea travel cup my husband gave me for Christmas. I used my Teavana Earl Greyer tea leaves and thoroughly enjoyed it. I got a pretty good amount done in my library and it is being SOOOOO FUN! I absolutely love this ap! I didn't get finished today, which I knew I couldn't possibly, but I did get a good number of books put in. The problem is that I'm having a little bit of a hard time figuring out what categories to call them. At this point I've got about 25 categories. I may decide to combine some of them at some point, but right now I'm just trying to get them into some kind of basic order. It's so nice seeing the top of my credenza again! And I figured out a way to keep all my notebooks on the bottom shelf standing up better. I think I'll get several of those metal magazine holders and slip the notebooks in them. Many of them are soft-sided and so they don't stand up very well. I'm looking forward to going through them, but not until I have one bookcase finished.
I have an appointment to see an endocrinologist this coming Friday. I'm so happy that I was able to get in to see someone this quickly. I imagine that he'll rerun all the tests on Friday and maybe then send me to get a scan and then we'll take it from there. I'll be very happy to have this resolved!
I scheduled a mammogram today, so ... yeah, I guess. I remembered that I also cancelled a dermatologist appointment a long time ago, but I forgot to schedule that. On my list for tomorrow!
Darn it! Something just happened and my keyboard isn't communicating with my iPad anymore, so I'm going to be pecking this out with two fingers and making all kinds of errors!
I had the appointment with the oral surgeon today and got a lot of good news there. One is, he agrees with me to wait till were moved to decide what to do with the small cavities in the wisdom teeth. He thinks I would manage fine having them removed, even though I can't have pain meds and all allergic to antibiotics and suture threads. He says it's the lower wisdom teeth that cause so much pain (mine were removed in 8th grade), but when you remove only the upper ones it's not bad at all. I'll think about it. He examined this lump in my jaw. He said its a cyst of some sort and is currently about the size of a quarter. He's not worried about it since I've had it so long with no real change, but he said if it swells up before we leave again, he suggests letting him do a needle biopsy. He doesn't know why the other doctor so long ago didn't want to do a biopsy. He said it's just a needle and it's not going to sever a facial nerve, even if you hit it. He thinks it is likely a dermoid cyst since it swells up sometimes when I am having a reaction. He said the dermoid cysts have lymph tissue in them which would make sense of that.
Did you know that you can have a cyst that gets impacted with saliva?? Doesn't that sound gross? I asked if you just squeezed it hard and he said, nope. Those have to taken out. He also said there is a chance of cutting a facial nerve if you have to do that, so ... It would take a LOT to convince me to do that!
The best news, though, is that I should be able to get my teeth straightened! The people I had seen here said that there was no room for braces unless my wisdom teeth are removed. This doctor said that's possibly true, but there may be enough room without removing them since it's just my front few teeth that need to be moved and the three back ones on each side don't. So then I asked him if it would be possible to straighten them with a retainer instead of a full set of braces and he said that he was sure it would be. So that is GREAT news! At this point I had been resigned to my teeth shifting more and more since extracting the wisdom teeth would be such an ordeal. I'm going to wait till we get moved, though, before I do it.
After this appointment, I had to run several errands, including taking one of my dogs to the vet. I didn't get home until 5:00 so that pretty much precluded getting anything else done.
I got the sweetest letter from an older, quite older, woman in town. She wrote me upon learning that we were moving because, as she said, she was too "miffed" at my husband to write him! But she said how wonderful we have been for the community and how. Up husband has united the town and gown more than any other president ever has and us moving is going to leave the university and the community with a gaping wound! Nice, but sure makes me feel a little bad about it!
I finished the Regeneration Trilogy today. The ending was. To as emotionally brutal as I had expected it to be, thank goodness. But still very rough. I think it should be required reading for everyone in every developed and not-so-developed country. I just don't understand why she wrote in so much homosexuality. Almost everything is about homosexuals in England and a big dog-and-pony trial that went on at the time. Two of the men are historical and were homosexuals, though surprisingly the one who survived the war married some years later. But even so, I still don't know why she made the sex scenes so incredibly graphic. She developed a fictional character and put him into her plot in the first book of the trilogy. She continued developing him in the second book, and most of the third book is about him. He is bisexual, and falls in love with a woman who works in a munitions factory. But he continues having sex with just random people throughout the rest of the book ... men, women, and one boy. With no thought about it. No feelings of being unfaithful to his sweetheart or anything. She has a list of books that she recommends at the end of this final book that look really good. One is about the psychiatrist who is treating the men throughout all of the books. I looked up three of the poets of WW1. Two of them figure in her stories, and one of them I'm familiar with because of the three summers we spent in Cambridge, England. We would ride our bikes to Grantchester and have tea at The Orchard, a wonderful tea room that is set in an orchard of fruit trees. Rupert Brookes lived here before he went into the war. He died at 27 from blood poisoning he got from some minor thing that didn't even happen in battle. The whole thing was an unbelievable, monstrous waste of human lives. A lot of it seems to have been caused by arrogant, buffoon generals in the English army who would not even look at reality and change their plans until two years into the massacres. They just kept sending their men in to die like they were some sort of expendable, renewable resource. It's horrible. I'm going to start reading All Quiet on the Western Front tonight.
I didn't work out today because I thought I would have time when I got back in the afternoon. I dressed to go to the dentist and so worked in my study until it was time to go. If exercising had been important to me, I would have not taken a chance and would have done it in the morning. But on the other hand, I had really been in so much pain the night before that it's probably just as well that I didn't today.
Thanks for keeping up with me on this. Writing this down in a blog has been extremely helpful to me. It has made me evaluate my actions each day and admit whether or not I was making progress toward my goals. I don't think I've ever stuck to anything this rigorously before or for such a long time. No miracles happening, it's hard to override my laziness and giving in to all my health issues. But this is being very helpful to keep me on course.
It's 11:23 so it looks like I'm going to be going to sleep significantly early for me! Tomorrow is my day to do something nice for myself. Maybe a pedicure. I've got to find a place that gives cheaper facials! I can't believe the prices people are charging!
Cheers!
Lisa
Monday, February 24, 2014
Day 81 - Inflammation!
Dear Reader,
Still trying to figure out how to type this in bed using the ipad and keyboard without hurting my wrist.
I am apparently having a systemic inflammatory response. Yeah, me! It all started with eating that Cantina Bell Bowl at Taco Bell Saturday night. My stomach is still swollen huge. It's really strange because it's not my stomach that is swelling, like you might think. It is actually the tissues and flesh that are swelling. The result is NOT a muffin top. It is so beyond a muffin top that its ridiculous. Then today, by bedtime, I was hurting all over. My knees, my elbows, everywhere in general. I strained the tendons at my ankle today just walking around the house, so that's not fun. I went ahead and took 40 mg. of Prednisone and then took a hot bath with a LOT of Epsom salts and a cup of baking soda. I'm not sure what the baking soda is for, but what I read said to add it with the Epsom salts, so I did. I took a couple of Tylenol and am sitting here with a pillow under my knees to keep them bent. I thought I was going to have to wake my husband up to get me out of the tub because my right knee especially was killing me. I should tell you about my right knee, I guess. I have a torn meniscus, and I have a chunk of cartilage that has broken out and is just loose inside my knee. Surgery is too complicated, so I'm going to just keep dealing with it. The torn piece of cartilage was being very problematic because it kept slipping in between my knee bones and it would be, just all of a sudden, like I had no joint at all and the two bones were just slipping around on each other. It looked like I was going to have to have surgery, but after a while, it seemed to just settle down somewhere and doesn't seem to be floating around any where. So crisis averted.
I sent a long email to my physical therapist telling her what I was looking for in terms of conditioning training. After I hear back from her, I'll check with the insurance company and see if they will pay for it.
I finally got my doctor's nurse and she's going to take care of the endocrinologist and rheumatologist appointments. I rescheduled my mammogram. I had to cancel it because of a trip and then forgot to reschedule it.
I got started on getting the furniture fixed that we need to have repaired before we leave. The guy came to get the credenza today and says he'll have it back Friday, which is amazing! He's going to have to replace the top, but all together, he's still only charging $400.
I couldn't get through to any moving companies. They kept putting me on hold, and I don't do well on hold. Thirty seconds is about my limit. So I kept hanging up and calling a different one and getting put on hold again!
Last night I sent an email to a registered dietician in the large city nearby and explained to her what I was looking for (menus for 30 days: three meals, two snacks) that would be nutritious, would avoid all my allergies, and would be easy and have some variety to them.
I contacted my immunologist because they hadn't refilled a prescription, and got that taken care of. I guess I should remember to tell him about this when I see him next month.
But, the BEST thing is that I started inventorying my library! I LOVE the ap I chose. It's called Barcode Library. You create whatever categories you want for your books, and then you scan the barcode and it puts in the picture of the book and all the information. If it won't take the bar scan, or if there isn't one, you take a picture of the book cover and input the title and author and anything else you want to include and press DONE. And, you can just send it in an email or upload it into dropbox. The hardest thing is figuring out how to categorize a lot of my books.
I did figure out how to open up the floppy discs today, but... I couldn't figure out how to put them on my computer, so I have had to give up and ask for help with that.
Oh, and before I forget, I did floss and use the water pic last night. Bully for me! And I only chewed one nail off today, so that's better than yesterday. And ... OH MY GOSH! I just realized that I did NOT eat any Glutino cookies today! That's amazing!
I didn't eat too great today. My husband had to go to a dinner, so I made myself a nutritious bowl of GRITS for dinner. Yep. That's it. I added the fake cheddar cheese shreds and they sort of melted, but it did NOT taste good. The rest of the day I ate well, and I didn't have any kettle cooked potato chips, but only because I'm out. I tried for the first time a soy yogurt! It's made by Silk and it was just delicious! and only 150 calories for the peach one. I loved it and had forgotten how much I missed yogurt. This opens up a lot more options for smoothies also, since many of them call for yogurt.
I have an appointment tomorrow with an oral surgeon to take a look at a lump in my cheek. It's been there for a long time and no one knows what it is. They don't want to biopsy it because there is the chance of cutting a facial nerve. So the general consensus has been to leave it alone unless it starts changing. It does change at times. Sometimes it swells up to the size of a golf-ball, and is as hard as one. Other times it's like it is tonight, about the size of a shooter marble. The dentist I saw suggested I see this doctor because that's all he does is operate on mouths. It may be that he'll have an idea what it is. It appears to be in my salivary gland on the left side of my jaw. So, we'll see if he has any ideas.
I didn't get much sleep last night. I came to be at 12:40, which was almost an hour earlier than I have been, but I woke my husband up and then he couldn't get back to sleep, so we were both awake until 2:00 am. No fun at all. Especially for him! I at least could sleep in some and get seven hours of sleep to function on.
I remembered this evening that I also have to make a dermatologist appointment. I had to cancel mine more than a year ago, and never got around to rescheduling.
So, the top of my white desk is completely clean, and now the top of my credenza, the three drawers in it, and the three baskets on the shelves are completely clean. Tomorrow I will inventory more books and go through all the notebooks on the bottom of the shelves and get these labels on them. That should make that look a lot neater. And I can spell "Temperance" correctly this time! On one floppy disk I opened successfully, I found that I have written a lot about the cardinal virtue of temperance. I don't remember doing this, but I have about 10 chapters prepared. So maybe I started writing a Bible/philosophy study and then wound up not teaching it.
Well, I'm so tired now, maybe I'll be able to go to sleep, even though I'm still in a good bit of pain.
I feel like I've made some progress today, although today is the day I had scheduled to FINISH my white study! Oh, well.
I hope your Monday went well. My housekeeper nearly had a bad wreck on her way to work, and then nearly fell down the stairs here! I hope she is safe in bed now!
Oh, before I forget. I did not exercise today. I planned on going to the Y, but didn't stay on top of my time and ran out of time. In other words, I didn't want to go enough to make it happen. I'll try again tomorrow. I also have to take one of my dogs to the vet and go to the grocery store to find something to eat tomorrow night!
Cheers!
Lisa
Still trying to figure out how to type this in bed using the ipad and keyboard without hurting my wrist.
I am apparently having a systemic inflammatory response. Yeah, me! It all started with eating that Cantina Bell Bowl at Taco Bell Saturday night. My stomach is still swollen huge. It's really strange because it's not my stomach that is swelling, like you might think. It is actually the tissues and flesh that are swelling. The result is NOT a muffin top. It is so beyond a muffin top that its ridiculous. Then today, by bedtime, I was hurting all over. My knees, my elbows, everywhere in general. I strained the tendons at my ankle today just walking around the house, so that's not fun. I went ahead and took 40 mg. of Prednisone and then took a hot bath with a LOT of Epsom salts and a cup of baking soda. I'm not sure what the baking soda is for, but what I read said to add it with the Epsom salts, so I did. I took a couple of Tylenol and am sitting here with a pillow under my knees to keep them bent. I thought I was going to have to wake my husband up to get me out of the tub because my right knee especially was killing me. I should tell you about my right knee, I guess. I have a torn meniscus, and I have a chunk of cartilage that has broken out and is just loose inside my knee. Surgery is too complicated, so I'm going to just keep dealing with it. The torn piece of cartilage was being very problematic because it kept slipping in between my knee bones and it would be, just all of a sudden, like I had no joint at all and the two bones were just slipping around on each other. It looked like I was going to have to have surgery, but after a while, it seemed to just settle down somewhere and doesn't seem to be floating around any where. So crisis averted.
I sent a long email to my physical therapist telling her what I was looking for in terms of conditioning training. After I hear back from her, I'll check with the insurance company and see if they will pay for it.
I finally got my doctor's nurse and she's going to take care of the endocrinologist and rheumatologist appointments. I rescheduled my mammogram. I had to cancel it because of a trip and then forgot to reschedule it.
I got started on getting the furniture fixed that we need to have repaired before we leave. The guy came to get the credenza today and says he'll have it back Friday, which is amazing! He's going to have to replace the top, but all together, he's still only charging $400.
I couldn't get through to any moving companies. They kept putting me on hold, and I don't do well on hold. Thirty seconds is about my limit. So I kept hanging up and calling a different one and getting put on hold again!
Last night I sent an email to a registered dietician in the large city nearby and explained to her what I was looking for (menus for 30 days: three meals, two snacks) that would be nutritious, would avoid all my allergies, and would be easy and have some variety to them.
I contacted my immunologist because they hadn't refilled a prescription, and got that taken care of. I guess I should remember to tell him about this when I see him next month.
But, the BEST thing is that I started inventorying my library! I LOVE the ap I chose. It's called Barcode Library. You create whatever categories you want for your books, and then you scan the barcode and it puts in the picture of the book and all the information. If it won't take the bar scan, or if there isn't one, you take a picture of the book cover and input the title and author and anything else you want to include and press DONE. And, you can just send it in an email or upload it into dropbox. The hardest thing is figuring out how to categorize a lot of my books.
I did figure out how to open up the floppy discs today, but... I couldn't figure out how to put them on my computer, so I have had to give up and ask for help with that.
Oh, and before I forget, I did floss and use the water pic last night. Bully for me! And I only chewed one nail off today, so that's better than yesterday. And ... OH MY GOSH! I just realized that I did NOT eat any Glutino cookies today! That's amazing!
I didn't eat too great today. My husband had to go to a dinner, so I made myself a nutritious bowl of GRITS for dinner. Yep. That's it. I added the fake cheddar cheese shreds and they sort of melted, but it did NOT taste good. The rest of the day I ate well, and I didn't have any kettle cooked potato chips, but only because I'm out. I tried for the first time a soy yogurt! It's made by Silk and it was just delicious! and only 150 calories for the peach one. I loved it and had forgotten how much I missed yogurt. This opens up a lot more options for smoothies also, since many of them call for yogurt.
I have an appointment tomorrow with an oral surgeon to take a look at a lump in my cheek. It's been there for a long time and no one knows what it is. They don't want to biopsy it because there is the chance of cutting a facial nerve. So the general consensus has been to leave it alone unless it starts changing. It does change at times. Sometimes it swells up to the size of a golf-ball, and is as hard as one. Other times it's like it is tonight, about the size of a shooter marble. The dentist I saw suggested I see this doctor because that's all he does is operate on mouths. It may be that he'll have an idea what it is. It appears to be in my salivary gland on the left side of my jaw. So, we'll see if he has any ideas.
I didn't get much sleep last night. I came to be at 12:40, which was almost an hour earlier than I have been, but I woke my husband up and then he couldn't get back to sleep, so we were both awake until 2:00 am. No fun at all. Especially for him! I at least could sleep in some and get seven hours of sleep to function on.
I remembered this evening that I also have to make a dermatologist appointment. I had to cancel mine more than a year ago, and never got around to rescheduling.
So, the top of my white desk is completely clean, and now the top of my credenza, the three drawers in it, and the three baskets on the shelves are completely clean. Tomorrow I will inventory more books and go through all the notebooks on the bottom of the shelves and get these labels on them. That should make that look a lot neater. And I can spell "Temperance" correctly this time! On one floppy disk I opened successfully, I found that I have written a lot about the cardinal virtue of temperance. I don't remember doing this, but I have about 10 chapters prepared. So maybe I started writing a Bible/philosophy study and then wound up not teaching it.
Well, I'm so tired now, maybe I'll be able to go to sleep, even though I'm still in a good bit of pain.
I feel like I've made some progress today, although today is the day I had scheduled to FINISH my white study! Oh, well.
I hope your Monday went well. My housekeeper nearly had a bad wreck on her way to work, and then nearly fell down the stairs here! I hope she is safe in bed now!
Oh, before I forget. I did not exercise today. I planned on going to the Y, but didn't stay on top of my time and ran out of time. In other words, I didn't want to go enough to make it happen. I'll try again tomorrow. I also have to take one of my dogs to the vet and go to the grocery store to find something to eat tomorrow night!
Cheers!
Lisa
Sunday, February 23, 2014
Day 82 - FOR REAL????
Dear Reader,
This is Day 82? That is AWFUL! That means that 52 days have gone by ... no, bad math ... 53 days have gone by! Oh my gosh! That is extremely discouraging. What have I gotten done? What have I accomplished? Hardly anything at all, it seems. Excuse me for a minute while I have an extreme panic attack!
Ok, I'm back. I'm not done freaking out, but I'm better. Hmmmm. It appears that typing this in bed is not going to work out. It's making my hand hurt. I'll have to experiment with some different positions.
I just want this to be OVER! I just want to be there. I know it will happen soon enough ... in 82 days to be exact. But I thought I would have more done by now.
Pardon me for a moment while I re-orient myself to my goals.
1. Stay away from all the foods I'm allergic to and reduce my inflammation.
2. See my cardiologist and learn a little more about what's going on with this dysautonomia condition and see how to make it impact my life less. Is there a way to get off the beta blockers? Is a magnesium deficiency part of the problem?
3. Get in to see a rheumatologist to find out if I have Ehler's-Danlos Syndrome or not. (Oh, the middle joint of my middle finger on my right hand almost came out of joint today! I was so happy when it slipped back into place immediately.)
4. Do I have parathyroid tumors? When can they be taken out?
5. Start telling myself that I am worth being cared for by doing one good thing for myself each week: a manicure, pedicure, facial or massage.
6. Quit chewing on my nails and cuticles and let my nails grow back out.
7. Go through every single thing in the house and basement, weeding out everything I can and giving things away. Have every drawer, cabinet, and closet ready for the movers to come in and pack.
8. Do an inventory of everything in the house and basement, a job my husband says is impossible, but I say ... yeah, you're probably right!
9. Work on my insomnia problem and being able to go to sleep at night.
10. Work on my WAKING UP problem!
11. Start exercising regularly without injuring myself, figuring out how to exercise without making the dysautonomia worse and having episodes with it and to not pull out joints or sprain tendons and ligaments. See if I can start seeing a physical therapist for conditioning training.
12. Make one fresh juice a day (isn't happening at all)
13. Work on rest and relaxation through getting enough sleep and meditation twice a day (this isn't happening at all, either)
The general goal is to be ready to make an organized move, and to have given away everything I own that I don't actually use. Get in much better health and fitness. Start sleeping better. Start eating more carefully.
Whew. Dream big, indeed.
I got some work done today in my white study. I finished all the baskets in my credenza. I have a million notes on papers here, there and everywhere on article ideas and Scripture references just jotted down. I'm trying to get all of these written out on note cards so I can throw all these scraps of paper away. I spent some time trying, unsuccessfully, to get the book inventory ap working. It isn't getting the cloud thing set up and I don't see a point in getting started if I can't get the info in the cloud.
And, do you want to know something embarrassing?? I haven't used my computer for a long time because I haven't been doing any writing or teaching for a while. So, I have all these 3.5" floppies I found and I bought the thing to be able to open them on my computer, and I can't figure out how to do it. I also came across a stick-drive (is that what it's called? I know that "thingy" isn't correct) and I can't figure out how to open it. And I even have a CD I want to record and I cant remember how to do THAT either! That is just ridiculous! I'm going to try one more time tomorrow to figure out all my technical difficulties before I ask my husband for help.
I wrote out a schedule for working in my white study. I gave myself two weeks to do it, which was just wishful thinking. I'm supposed to be finished TOMORROW, but that isn't going to happen, but I'm going to try to hit it really hard tomorrow.
I did exercise today and have the sore abs to show for it. I want to ... and I'm shy to even put this in print. But, I am going to try to actually go to the Y tomorrow and get on the elliptical. My OCD is going in full force on the study, but I plan to break away and do this in the afternoon.
I cooked dinner tonight. It was okay, but I just simply hate cooking now.
And, last, but certainly not least, I went to go see my mother today. Had a nice time, but she wasn't feeling very well. She is getting physical therapy, which is helping with some very bad pain she was having in her arm. And they are trying to figure out what is going on with her legs. She is a fierce woman, and this encroaching decrepitude is hard for her to bear. I worked on that morning affirmation some today and printed off a copy and took it to her. She texted me that it was "wonderful" (three exclamation points) and she had already read it five times.
My abdomen is still swollen up very large from the reaction I had from Taco Bell's last night. And this morning I made gluten-free, egg-free, dairy-free blueberry pancakes (they're actually really good, believe it or not) and had them with orange juice and a couple of turkey sausage patties. And, my throat swelled up some, so I don't know WHAT is going on with my immune system now. I hope I haven't developed some new allergies.
Last night at the basketball game, during the half-time, our dance squad wanted to have a picture made with my husband. He didn't "think" to mention this to me, so I'm standing at his side looking at something he was showing me and I see this picture of him posted to facebook with all these cute little belly buttons and bare midriffs! I was NOT happy!
I am captivated by this book Regeneration Trilogy. Amazing writing, devastating topic. The psychiatrist has come down with the Spanish flu and the protagonist is being sent back to the front, even though the war is almost over. I'm assuming the author is going to kill them both so, from this point on, I can't read any more unless I'm ready to just abandon everything else and finish it up. I'm sure it's going to be gut-wrenching.
Well, I'm off to bed, mildly frustrated with my lack of progress on all fronts. I'm going to have to step up my game, but without making myself tense and triggering a fresh round of insomnia!
Now, if only someone would just bring me dinner for the next 81 days I'd be in great shape!
Have a great day tomorrow and enjoy your Monday! (cue maniacal laughter!)
Cheers!
Lisa
This is Day 82? That is AWFUL! That means that 52 days have gone by ... no, bad math ... 53 days have gone by! Oh my gosh! That is extremely discouraging. What have I gotten done? What have I accomplished? Hardly anything at all, it seems. Excuse me for a minute while I have an extreme panic attack!
Ok, I'm back. I'm not done freaking out, but I'm better. Hmmmm. It appears that typing this in bed is not going to work out. It's making my hand hurt. I'll have to experiment with some different positions.
I just want this to be OVER! I just want to be there. I know it will happen soon enough ... in 82 days to be exact. But I thought I would have more done by now.
Pardon me for a moment while I re-orient myself to my goals.
1. Stay away from all the foods I'm allergic to and reduce my inflammation.
2. See my cardiologist and learn a little more about what's going on with this dysautonomia condition and see how to make it impact my life less. Is there a way to get off the beta blockers? Is a magnesium deficiency part of the problem?
3. Get in to see a rheumatologist to find out if I have Ehler's-Danlos Syndrome or not. (Oh, the middle joint of my middle finger on my right hand almost came out of joint today! I was so happy when it slipped back into place immediately.)
4. Do I have parathyroid tumors? When can they be taken out?
5. Start telling myself that I am worth being cared for by doing one good thing for myself each week: a manicure, pedicure, facial or massage.
6. Quit chewing on my nails and cuticles and let my nails grow back out.
7. Go through every single thing in the house and basement, weeding out everything I can and giving things away. Have every drawer, cabinet, and closet ready for the movers to come in and pack.
8. Do an inventory of everything in the house and basement, a job my husband says is impossible, but I say ... yeah, you're probably right!
9. Work on my insomnia problem and being able to go to sleep at night.
10. Work on my WAKING UP problem!
11. Start exercising regularly without injuring myself, figuring out how to exercise without making the dysautonomia worse and having episodes with it and to not pull out joints or sprain tendons and ligaments. See if I can start seeing a physical therapist for conditioning training.
12. Make one fresh juice a day (isn't happening at all)
13. Work on rest and relaxation through getting enough sleep and meditation twice a day (this isn't happening at all, either)
The general goal is to be ready to make an organized move, and to have given away everything I own that I don't actually use. Get in much better health and fitness. Start sleeping better. Start eating more carefully.
Whew. Dream big, indeed.
I got some work done today in my white study. I finished all the baskets in my credenza. I have a million notes on papers here, there and everywhere on article ideas and Scripture references just jotted down. I'm trying to get all of these written out on note cards so I can throw all these scraps of paper away. I spent some time trying, unsuccessfully, to get the book inventory ap working. It isn't getting the cloud thing set up and I don't see a point in getting started if I can't get the info in the cloud.
And, do you want to know something embarrassing?? I haven't used my computer for a long time because I haven't been doing any writing or teaching for a while. So, I have all these 3.5" floppies I found and I bought the thing to be able to open them on my computer, and I can't figure out how to do it. I also came across a stick-drive (is that what it's called? I know that "thingy" isn't correct) and I can't figure out how to open it. And I even have a CD I want to record and I cant remember how to do THAT either! That is just ridiculous! I'm going to try one more time tomorrow to figure out all my technical difficulties before I ask my husband for help.
I wrote out a schedule for working in my white study. I gave myself two weeks to do it, which was just wishful thinking. I'm supposed to be finished TOMORROW, but that isn't going to happen, but I'm going to try to hit it really hard tomorrow.
I did exercise today and have the sore abs to show for it. I want to ... and I'm shy to even put this in print. But, I am going to try to actually go to the Y tomorrow and get on the elliptical. My OCD is going in full force on the study, but I plan to break away and do this in the afternoon.
I cooked dinner tonight. It was okay, but I just simply hate cooking now.
And, last, but certainly not least, I went to go see my mother today. Had a nice time, but she wasn't feeling very well. She is getting physical therapy, which is helping with some very bad pain she was having in her arm. And they are trying to figure out what is going on with her legs. She is a fierce woman, and this encroaching decrepitude is hard for her to bear. I worked on that morning affirmation some today and printed off a copy and took it to her. She texted me that it was "wonderful" (three exclamation points) and she had already read it five times.
My abdomen is still swollen up very large from the reaction I had from Taco Bell's last night. And this morning I made gluten-free, egg-free, dairy-free blueberry pancakes (they're actually really good, believe it or not) and had them with orange juice and a couple of turkey sausage patties. And, my throat swelled up some, so I don't know WHAT is going on with my immune system now. I hope I haven't developed some new allergies.
Last night at the basketball game, during the half-time, our dance squad wanted to have a picture made with my husband. He didn't "think" to mention this to me, so I'm standing at his side looking at something he was showing me and I see this picture of him posted to facebook with all these cute little belly buttons and bare midriffs! I was NOT happy!
I am captivated by this book Regeneration Trilogy. Amazing writing, devastating topic. The psychiatrist has come down with the Spanish flu and the protagonist is being sent back to the front, even though the war is almost over. I'm assuming the author is going to kill them both so, from this point on, I can't read any more unless I'm ready to just abandon everything else and finish it up. I'm sure it's going to be gut-wrenching.
Well, I'm off to bed, mildly frustrated with my lack of progress on all fronts. I'm going to have to step up my game, but without making myself tense and triggering a fresh round of insomnia!
Now, if only someone would just bring me dinner for the next 81 days I'd be in great shape!
Have a great day tomorrow and enjoy your Monday! (cue maniacal laughter!)
Cheers!
Lisa
Saturday, February 22, 2014
Day 83 - Last Home Basketball Game
Dear Reader,
Today was, in many ways, a lovely day. I slept in and then stayed in bed and read up on the history of New York. I also spent some time looking at the map on Google and trying to familiarize myself with the area. I also looked longingly at the long stretch of tiny, thin islands just off the coast of Long Island. They have several long, thin state parks on them and I can't wait to explore them. I can't imagine what a beach off the coast of New York will be like. I love the ocean and grew up on the Gulf Coast of Texas. I can tell you what the beach is like there ... awful! The sand is dirty and the water is brown and you can't see into it at all! Where we lived there was a dike and, at the entrance to the dike, the fishermen used to hang up all the sharks they caught just off the dike. 8 and 10 feet sharks! I remember hammer heads, because they were the only ones I knew the name of, but there were always others hanging there as well. For some reason, my parents loved going out to this dike on weekends during the summer. They would set up a tent on the beach and make me and my brothers and cousins go out in the water and "play." I don't know about everyone else, but I HATED it! The water was so dirty and there were a lot of crabs that would pinch you all of a sudden. I alway startled and scared me because I would think at first, that they were a shark.
My first trip to Destin, Florida, was AMAZING. Because the water was so clear, I realized that I would be able to actually SEE a shark if it attacked me, and that was such a relief to me that I wasn't afraid anymore. We mostly go to Hilton Head now. The water isn't so clear there, though, but the area is so much less commercialized than Destin that we go anyway.
So, what can a beach in New York be like? Will it be blazing hot? Dark water? White sand? I can't wait to find out!
My day did not go at all as planned. I think a definition of love could be: for whom will you drop you schedule in order to be with them? Well, my husband and kids are those people and I changed all of my plans for the day because, pretty shortly after I got out of bed, our son called and said he was on the way down to visit (and get money, of course.) We had a good talk on the phone about the dream I had night before last and then, after he got here, we all went to lunch and had a great time. A baby started squalling and we asked to be moved immediately. He can't stand crying babies in restaurants and movies, or their poorly behaving parents
By the time we got back from lunch, I had to change clothes and we had to go straight to an event and then back-to-back basketball games ... and we lost each of them! These were the last home games, so the last games we will attend in our basketball center. The last time we will gather with the band, the team, cheerleaders, and dance team to sing the Alma Mater. I could have cried when we walked out!
During half time of the second game, I drove to a Taco Bell and got their veggie Cantina Bowl. It's one of the few fast foods that I can eat. Well ... not so much tonight! I swelled up so big in my belly and then I had a patch of taste buds drop off of my tongue. Weird, huh? It's called geographic tongue, and you can just all of a sudden have a patch of taste buds fall off and leave that area of the tongue as slick as a whistle. They grow back, but the area hurts and stings pretty badly until they do. I have no idea why I reacted that way, but I took it in stride and didn't let it upset me.
I'm getting more serious about the idea of getting a nutritionist plan about a month's worth of meals for me. My staple meal is fish, rice, a cooked green vegetable, and a fresh garden salad. Nice! But not night after night after night!
I only had THREE Glutino oreo cookies today! Yeah!
Three of my nails did not fair so well today, however. At the event, someone started giving a speech and I started worrying with a nail. Before the night was over, I had taken them back down to the quick and torn off one cuticle.
I didn't exercise today because our son arrived before I had done so (even though I was in my exercise clothes). We got home at 3:37 and had to leave at 4:00 and didn't get back until 10:00 pm. The good thing is that this leaves Sunday clear, except that I will need to go see my mother tomorrow, but other than that I'm free. I'm pretty sure we're skipping church again. We're really tired, my husband especially. He's having to deal with a sticky problem at work and it's worrying at him and keeping him from sleeping well. He needs to come down like a load of bricks on some people, but won't do that because that's not how he leads. So trying to figure our exactly how to handle it and how tough to be has been on his mind a lot. But that's the sort of thing that makes him such a fantastic leader.
But, back to the exercise issue. I spent some time today thinking about it and came up with something very surprising. I actually LIKE exercising! I like the workouts I'm doing, I like the music, I like the way I feel when I workout. In other words, I realized that I actually WANT to workout! This changes everything. Instead of being a chore that I have to MAKE myself do, this will become something I make sure happens because I want to do it. And this realization all came about because of something I read online where a person talked about how hard it was to get herself to go to yoga classes, and her teacher told her to focus on just getting to the mat. My own teacher has said that before, but it really struck me today in a different way. I think this is going to change things for me.
I spent some time looking through a workout ap I downloaded some time ago. I don't know what I paid for it, but it was worth it. It's called Bodyweight and is by a guy called Mark Lauren. It has present workouts and then it has just a whole lot of exercises for you to scroll through with a video of him illustrating each one. There are a lot I don't think I can do until I get my shoulder better, but I looked at all his core exercises and they look amazing! I can't wait to try some tomorrow.
I didn't get anything done on preparing to move today. I ate well, but I'm so swollen that I feel like I pigged out terribly. I've started wondering about doing the maple syrup lemonade drink again. I did it for five days one time and then three days a couple of weeks later. It was okay. I didn't lose any weight, but I DID become allergic to LEMONS!!!
I realized that my body has to deal with the consequences of what my mind decides. To change my body, I have to first change my mind. I remember a long time ago I did the Diet Center diet. In other words, I basically starved for ten weeks! I don't approve of their program, at least as it was back in the 80's, but they did have a cassette tape you were to listen to each and every day. It was basically a visualization/hypnosis tape. I can't find where I put it now, and I can't find it online. But I did that there are a LOT of sites on visualization and weight loss that I look forward to reading through this week.
I'm trying to decide how to steal a big, gorgeous cushion from my daughter's bedroom to use as a meditation cushion! I gave it to her a few years ago and it's just beautiful! Teal with all kinds of beautiful embroidery on it. She's not using it except as a place for her stuffed animals! I'd like to start working to re-incorporate meditation in my life and am thinking about trying to do it ONCE A WEEK and then go from there.
Well, I'm off to sleep. SO TIRED. And, no wonder. It's after 1:00 am! I had, of course, no idea!
Have a wonderful day tomorrow/ today!
Lisa
Today was, in many ways, a lovely day. I slept in and then stayed in bed and read up on the history of New York. I also spent some time looking at the map on Google and trying to familiarize myself with the area. I also looked longingly at the long stretch of tiny, thin islands just off the coast of Long Island. They have several long, thin state parks on them and I can't wait to explore them. I can't imagine what a beach off the coast of New York will be like. I love the ocean and grew up on the Gulf Coast of Texas. I can tell you what the beach is like there ... awful! The sand is dirty and the water is brown and you can't see into it at all! Where we lived there was a dike and, at the entrance to the dike, the fishermen used to hang up all the sharks they caught just off the dike. 8 and 10 feet sharks! I remember hammer heads, because they were the only ones I knew the name of, but there were always others hanging there as well. For some reason, my parents loved going out to this dike on weekends during the summer. They would set up a tent on the beach and make me and my brothers and cousins go out in the water and "play." I don't know about everyone else, but I HATED it! The water was so dirty and there were a lot of crabs that would pinch you all of a sudden. I alway startled and scared me because I would think at first, that they were a shark.
My first trip to Destin, Florida, was AMAZING. Because the water was so clear, I realized that I would be able to actually SEE a shark if it attacked me, and that was such a relief to me that I wasn't afraid anymore. We mostly go to Hilton Head now. The water isn't so clear there, though, but the area is so much less commercialized than Destin that we go anyway.
So, what can a beach in New York be like? Will it be blazing hot? Dark water? White sand? I can't wait to find out!
My day did not go at all as planned. I think a definition of love could be: for whom will you drop you schedule in order to be with them? Well, my husband and kids are those people and I changed all of my plans for the day because, pretty shortly after I got out of bed, our son called and said he was on the way down to visit (and get money, of course.) We had a good talk on the phone about the dream I had night before last and then, after he got here, we all went to lunch and had a great time. A baby started squalling and we asked to be moved immediately. He can't stand crying babies in restaurants and movies, or their poorly behaving parents
By the time we got back from lunch, I had to change clothes and we had to go straight to an event and then back-to-back basketball games ... and we lost each of them! These were the last home games, so the last games we will attend in our basketball center. The last time we will gather with the band, the team, cheerleaders, and dance team to sing the Alma Mater. I could have cried when we walked out!
During half time of the second game, I drove to a Taco Bell and got their veggie Cantina Bowl. It's one of the few fast foods that I can eat. Well ... not so much tonight! I swelled up so big in my belly and then I had a patch of taste buds drop off of my tongue. Weird, huh? It's called geographic tongue, and you can just all of a sudden have a patch of taste buds fall off and leave that area of the tongue as slick as a whistle. They grow back, but the area hurts and stings pretty badly until they do. I have no idea why I reacted that way, but I took it in stride and didn't let it upset me.
I'm getting more serious about the idea of getting a nutritionist plan about a month's worth of meals for me. My staple meal is fish, rice, a cooked green vegetable, and a fresh garden salad. Nice! But not night after night after night!
I only had THREE Glutino oreo cookies today! Yeah!
Three of my nails did not fair so well today, however. At the event, someone started giving a speech and I started worrying with a nail. Before the night was over, I had taken them back down to the quick and torn off one cuticle.
I didn't exercise today because our son arrived before I had done so (even though I was in my exercise clothes). We got home at 3:37 and had to leave at 4:00 and didn't get back until 10:00 pm. The good thing is that this leaves Sunday clear, except that I will need to go see my mother tomorrow, but other than that I'm free. I'm pretty sure we're skipping church again. We're really tired, my husband especially. He's having to deal with a sticky problem at work and it's worrying at him and keeping him from sleeping well. He needs to come down like a load of bricks on some people, but won't do that because that's not how he leads. So trying to figure our exactly how to handle it and how tough to be has been on his mind a lot. But that's the sort of thing that makes him such a fantastic leader.
But, back to the exercise issue. I spent some time today thinking about it and came up with something very surprising. I actually LIKE exercising! I like the workouts I'm doing, I like the music, I like the way I feel when I workout. In other words, I realized that I actually WANT to workout! This changes everything. Instead of being a chore that I have to MAKE myself do, this will become something I make sure happens because I want to do it. And this realization all came about because of something I read online where a person talked about how hard it was to get herself to go to yoga classes, and her teacher told her to focus on just getting to the mat. My own teacher has said that before, but it really struck me today in a different way. I think this is going to change things for me.
I spent some time looking through a workout ap I downloaded some time ago. I don't know what I paid for it, but it was worth it. It's called Bodyweight and is by a guy called Mark Lauren. It has present workouts and then it has just a whole lot of exercises for you to scroll through with a video of him illustrating each one. There are a lot I don't think I can do until I get my shoulder better, but I looked at all his core exercises and they look amazing! I can't wait to try some tomorrow.
I didn't get anything done on preparing to move today. I ate well, but I'm so swollen that I feel like I pigged out terribly. I've started wondering about doing the maple syrup lemonade drink again. I did it for five days one time and then three days a couple of weeks later. It was okay. I didn't lose any weight, but I DID become allergic to LEMONS!!!
I realized that my body has to deal with the consequences of what my mind decides. To change my body, I have to first change my mind. I remember a long time ago I did the Diet Center diet. In other words, I basically starved for ten weeks! I don't approve of their program, at least as it was back in the 80's, but they did have a cassette tape you were to listen to each and every day. It was basically a visualization/hypnosis tape. I can't find where I put it now, and I can't find it online. But I did that there are a LOT of sites on visualization and weight loss that I look forward to reading through this week.
I'm trying to decide how to steal a big, gorgeous cushion from my daughter's bedroom to use as a meditation cushion! I gave it to her a few years ago and it's just beautiful! Teal with all kinds of beautiful embroidery on it. She's not using it except as a place for her stuffed animals! I'd like to start working to re-incorporate meditation in my life and am thinking about trying to do it ONCE A WEEK and then go from there.
Well, I'm off to sleep. SO TIRED. And, no wonder. It's after 1:00 am! I had, of course, no idea!
Have a wonderful day tomorrow/ today!
Lisa
Friday, February 21, 2014
Day 84 - Significant Nightmare
Dear Reader,
Today was a good day. It started off terribly, but the rest of the day was good.
I had a really bad nightmare this morning in which my mother tried to kill me. It was a long nightmare. I partially woke up several times, but kept going back into it. I think I've had dreams of her trying to kill me, but it's been a long time, or I just can't remember them at the moment. I won't go into all the details since you have your own nightmares, I'm sure, though hopefully not about your mother! I wish I had had this before I went to see my counselor because I think there were some significant elements to it. I won't see her for a month and it may be crowded out of my mind by that time. One interesting thing is that, when I did get myself of the life-threatening situation (oh, okay ... she had pushed me off of a cliff and I was hanging on by some small roots and she was just staring at me coldly and with hate, obviously wanting me to die, but I managed at last to hoist a leg over the edge of the cliff and pull myself up), so when I did get myself safely back on to the ground, I started screaming at her, furiously angry. That's something new. I have always been too afraid of her to do anything like that.
I have no training in dream analysis, but there were some things in this dream that were so obvious that I don't think it would take an expert to catch them. One is, of course, that I believe my mother is a true threat to my very life, symbolically as well as literally. One time my counselor warned me that my mother was very dangerous and I needed to not be around her as much as possible. She is more dangerous at some times than at others, but she also has the ability to attack out of nowhere with no warning. But, in all honestly, I have seen my mother in states where I really do believe she could kill me or someone else.
The other thing I saw in the dream was the feeling of being trapped and helpless. I was actually back in my childhood home in my bedroom where I really was trapped for so many years. There was a lot of dependency showing up too in some different ways. One is that I had to call my husband to come rescue me from the room. He was in New York, so he couldn't get there until the next day. But my being rescued was dependent on him, I couldn't rescue myself.
Later, in the dream, I was in the car with my mother and my oldest brother to take him somewhere. This was still in the context of her having tried to kill me the day before, and I was still waiting for my husband to come get me. I found out that the trip was going to take four hours, and there was no way I was going to stay in the car for four hours with my mother. So I demanded that she pull to the side of the road and let me out. She did, but when I tried to get out, I tripped at the curb and fell and dropped my books and my purse and everything in it fell out. So, even when I did have the gumption to effect my own escape, I was incompetent and bungled it badly. I made it to a diner where I fell asleep in a booth. When I woke up, I realized I didn't have a credit card of any money to be able to buy any food or anything to drink. So there's helplessness again. After a while (this was a LONG dream) I decided to try to call my best friend to come get me, but I couldn't find her phone number in my phone. So there's some more incompetence, helplessness, and dependency for someone to rescue me. At the end I was trying to figure out how I could call one of two women I knew in real life who lived in that area and see if they could come get me, but I didn't know how to find their phone numbers to be able to call them.
So, an interesting blend of self-perceptions. On the one hand, I was able to get myself back into safety and verbally attack my mother for trying to kill me. That's a start. I did demand to be let out of the car, and I did manage to get out, though I fell doing it. On the other hand, I went to the house with her and was back into letting myself be trapped again. Here's an interesting thing which emphasizes the helplessness feeling. I crawled out of my bedroom window and hid behind a shrub to call my husband to tell him what happened and to come get me. I could have walked away and gone somewhere else, but I didn't. I incompetently rescued myself from the car, fell asleep in a diner (complete vulnerability), had no money and could not find phone numbers for anyone I knew who would come get me.
If you knew some of the dreams I used to have, you'd realize that I actually have made a LOT of progress. Well, maybe I should not use all caps! Maybe "a lot of progress" more aptly captures the truth.
So, what, if anything, should I take from this dream? Or was it just a bad dream? A trait of a Borderline Personality Disorder is that, if they feel abandoned, they will attack the person who they fear is abandoning them. I've known all along that the move to New York would probably set her off because it represents her "other" finally, actually abandoning her. I has caused her to lose her emotional equilibrium, what little she had, but does the dream represent the depth of an attack that I fear? Where's a psychiatrist when you need one???
The main thing is that I must not let her move to New York. I must not invite her, and if she decides to move there, I will need to tell her no.
Here's the thing. Do you remember the old Peanuts comic strip? Do you remember when Snoopy wants to kick the football away from Lucy and she tells him to be prepared to suffer the consequences if he does it, and he walks away saying, "My life is full of un-suffered consequences."? That's what I've got going on here. I've only rarely been willing to suffer the consequences in dealing with her and have chosen safety almost every time. I don't despise myself for this, though. It was all completely overwhelming as a child, and then I was raised to be afraid of her and to never ever EVER do anything to upset her because of fear of the rage she would go into. Then I became the protector of my family by keeping her happy enough that she wouldn't attack anyone. My sister-in-law told me that she thinks God is moving us to New York to protect me from her. That the cost of living, the high taxes, and the weather will be enough to keep her from moving there. Well, the future will unfold one day at a time, that's for sure.
Okay, so, moving on.
I did contact the endocrinology department and rheumatology department and talked to them about getting in. Both of them require a doctor-to-doctor referral, but my doctor's office was closed, apparently, because I wasn't able to reach anyone. I also put in a call to my cardiologist about referrals and who she would recommend. So ... movement! We have movement!
I FINISHED MY FILES!!! At last! Threw away a lot of things. I came across a pamphlet for AVID, one of the companies who make locator chips you put in your pets. I wanted to get them registered with their national service, but it turns out that they can't find any records for me at all! They suggested I take one of them to a vet and get them to read the number off of the chip and call them with it and they would see if they could find something that way. It just occurred to me, though, one last place I can look and see if I can find the chip information.
I didn't pay attention to eating today. I had three of those Buddy Fruit things, the things of smashed up fruit for little kids, you've seen them. I know they are kind of disgusting, but they don't make me sick in the mornings if I eat them. Well, I just kept working at my desk for a really long time and ate (slurped?) three of them. After a while I realized it was 3:30 and I hadn't eaten anything else and was finally hungry. There wasn't anything to eat in the house, so I HAD to go to the grocery store. I didn't do all of the errands I needed to do because I worked too much on the desk. But I did go to the dry cleaners, the alterations lady, and the grocery store for a few things, mostly dog food! Only problem is, I got home with everything but the dog food! I had enough canned food to feed them, but I'll have to go back to the store tomorrow, darn it.
The moving company person did not show up today. I did call the moving company I talked about yesterday and told them that I really needed a visual inspection to be able to calculate the cubic square feet and the weight. They said that they would give me a guaranteed bid based on what the other companies say.
I also decided to cancel the appointment to have the small cavities in my wisdom teeth filled. They are still in the enamel, so how bad can they be? I'm just afraid that they'll get started and something bad will happen and I'll suddenly have to have the teeth pulled without anesthesia and I won't be able to use pain pills and it will turn into something awful. So I'm going to wait until after we get moved to do something about this.
We have found out that it will be okay for us to stay in the house until June 1, so that's great if it becomes necessary.
I didn't exercise again today. Why? Well ... I've been trying to figure that out. I wanted to get dressed for the day right away and so I didn't start the day out wearing exercise clothes. First mistake. Then I just really wanted to keep working at the desk because I was getting so much done. I would have had to stop, change clothes, work out, and change clothes again. Then, it was too late for me to exercise. See, yesterday it worked out well exercising in the afternoon, and that's what I wanted to do today. So, what it comes down to, again, is that I didn't exercise because I didn't want to. Also, I hurt my shoulder again doing just a few push-ups and planks yesterday. So annoying! I'm going to have to go to the chiropractor next week and get my neck and shoulder put back in place to stop the pain. My finger finally did go back into place today, thank goodness.
I am not going to quit until I have conquered myself! I realize that this is an issue of character as much as anything else. My character faults show in my lack of self-discipline, which Brian Tracey defines as "doing the right thing at the right time whether you feel like it or not." My will power to "DO" is not stronger than my willpower to "NOT DO" ... yet!
Well, tomorrow is Saturday. I have events starting at 4:30 and going all through the evening tomorrow. So, even though sleeping in is usually my number one goal for Saturdays, if I want to get much done (including picking up dog food!) ... and EXERCISING ... I'd best not sleep too late.
I hope you have a great day tomorrow. Whether you plan to work or play or rest, I hope you have a wonderful time.
Cheers!
Lisa
Today was a good day. It started off terribly, but the rest of the day was good.
I had a really bad nightmare this morning in which my mother tried to kill me. It was a long nightmare. I partially woke up several times, but kept going back into it. I think I've had dreams of her trying to kill me, but it's been a long time, or I just can't remember them at the moment. I won't go into all the details since you have your own nightmares, I'm sure, though hopefully not about your mother! I wish I had had this before I went to see my counselor because I think there were some significant elements to it. I won't see her for a month and it may be crowded out of my mind by that time. One interesting thing is that, when I did get myself of the life-threatening situation (oh, okay ... she had pushed me off of a cliff and I was hanging on by some small roots and she was just staring at me coldly and with hate, obviously wanting me to die, but I managed at last to hoist a leg over the edge of the cliff and pull myself up), so when I did get myself safely back on to the ground, I started screaming at her, furiously angry. That's something new. I have always been too afraid of her to do anything like that.
I have no training in dream analysis, but there were some things in this dream that were so obvious that I don't think it would take an expert to catch them. One is, of course, that I believe my mother is a true threat to my very life, symbolically as well as literally. One time my counselor warned me that my mother was very dangerous and I needed to not be around her as much as possible. She is more dangerous at some times than at others, but she also has the ability to attack out of nowhere with no warning. But, in all honestly, I have seen my mother in states where I really do believe she could kill me or someone else.
The other thing I saw in the dream was the feeling of being trapped and helpless. I was actually back in my childhood home in my bedroom where I really was trapped for so many years. There was a lot of dependency showing up too in some different ways. One is that I had to call my husband to come rescue me from the room. He was in New York, so he couldn't get there until the next day. But my being rescued was dependent on him, I couldn't rescue myself.
Later, in the dream, I was in the car with my mother and my oldest brother to take him somewhere. This was still in the context of her having tried to kill me the day before, and I was still waiting for my husband to come get me. I found out that the trip was going to take four hours, and there was no way I was going to stay in the car for four hours with my mother. So I demanded that she pull to the side of the road and let me out. She did, but when I tried to get out, I tripped at the curb and fell and dropped my books and my purse and everything in it fell out. So, even when I did have the gumption to effect my own escape, I was incompetent and bungled it badly. I made it to a diner where I fell asleep in a booth. When I woke up, I realized I didn't have a credit card of any money to be able to buy any food or anything to drink. So there's helplessness again. After a while (this was a LONG dream) I decided to try to call my best friend to come get me, but I couldn't find her phone number in my phone. So there's some more incompetence, helplessness, and dependency for someone to rescue me. At the end I was trying to figure out how I could call one of two women I knew in real life who lived in that area and see if they could come get me, but I didn't know how to find their phone numbers to be able to call them.
So, an interesting blend of self-perceptions. On the one hand, I was able to get myself back into safety and verbally attack my mother for trying to kill me. That's a start. I did demand to be let out of the car, and I did manage to get out, though I fell doing it. On the other hand, I went to the house with her and was back into letting myself be trapped again. Here's an interesting thing which emphasizes the helplessness feeling. I crawled out of my bedroom window and hid behind a shrub to call my husband to tell him what happened and to come get me. I could have walked away and gone somewhere else, but I didn't. I incompetently rescued myself from the car, fell asleep in a diner (complete vulnerability), had no money and could not find phone numbers for anyone I knew who would come get me.
If you knew some of the dreams I used to have, you'd realize that I actually have made a LOT of progress. Well, maybe I should not use all caps! Maybe "a lot of progress" more aptly captures the truth.
So, what, if anything, should I take from this dream? Or was it just a bad dream? A trait of a Borderline Personality Disorder is that, if they feel abandoned, they will attack the person who they fear is abandoning them. I've known all along that the move to New York would probably set her off because it represents her "other" finally, actually abandoning her. I has caused her to lose her emotional equilibrium, what little she had, but does the dream represent the depth of an attack that I fear? Where's a psychiatrist when you need one???
The main thing is that I must not let her move to New York. I must not invite her, and if she decides to move there, I will need to tell her no.
Here's the thing. Do you remember the old Peanuts comic strip? Do you remember when Snoopy wants to kick the football away from Lucy and she tells him to be prepared to suffer the consequences if he does it, and he walks away saying, "My life is full of un-suffered consequences."? That's what I've got going on here. I've only rarely been willing to suffer the consequences in dealing with her and have chosen safety almost every time. I don't despise myself for this, though. It was all completely overwhelming as a child, and then I was raised to be afraid of her and to never ever EVER do anything to upset her because of fear of the rage she would go into. Then I became the protector of my family by keeping her happy enough that she wouldn't attack anyone. My sister-in-law told me that she thinks God is moving us to New York to protect me from her. That the cost of living, the high taxes, and the weather will be enough to keep her from moving there. Well, the future will unfold one day at a time, that's for sure.
Okay, so, moving on.
I did contact the endocrinology department and rheumatology department and talked to them about getting in. Both of them require a doctor-to-doctor referral, but my doctor's office was closed, apparently, because I wasn't able to reach anyone. I also put in a call to my cardiologist about referrals and who she would recommend. So ... movement! We have movement!
I FINISHED MY FILES!!! At last! Threw away a lot of things. I came across a pamphlet for AVID, one of the companies who make locator chips you put in your pets. I wanted to get them registered with their national service, but it turns out that they can't find any records for me at all! They suggested I take one of them to a vet and get them to read the number off of the chip and call them with it and they would see if they could find something that way. It just occurred to me, though, one last place I can look and see if I can find the chip information.
I didn't pay attention to eating today. I had three of those Buddy Fruit things, the things of smashed up fruit for little kids, you've seen them. I know they are kind of disgusting, but they don't make me sick in the mornings if I eat them. Well, I just kept working at my desk for a really long time and ate (slurped?) three of them. After a while I realized it was 3:30 and I hadn't eaten anything else and was finally hungry. There wasn't anything to eat in the house, so I HAD to go to the grocery store. I didn't do all of the errands I needed to do because I worked too much on the desk. But I did go to the dry cleaners, the alterations lady, and the grocery store for a few things, mostly dog food! Only problem is, I got home with everything but the dog food! I had enough canned food to feed them, but I'll have to go back to the store tomorrow, darn it.
The moving company person did not show up today. I did call the moving company I talked about yesterday and told them that I really needed a visual inspection to be able to calculate the cubic square feet and the weight. They said that they would give me a guaranteed bid based on what the other companies say.
I also decided to cancel the appointment to have the small cavities in my wisdom teeth filled. They are still in the enamel, so how bad can they be? I'm just afraid that they'll get started and something bad will happen and I'll suddenly have to have the teeth pulled without anesthesia and I won't be able to use pain pills and it will turn into something awful. So I'm going to wait until after we get moved to do something about this.
We have found out that it will be okay for us to stay in the house until June 1, so that's great if it becomes necessary.
I didn't exercise again today. Why? Well ... I've been trying to figure that out. I wanted to get dressed for the day right away and so I didn't start the day out wearing exercise clothes. First mistake. Then I just really wanted to keep working at the desk because I was getting so much done. I would have had to stop, change clothes, work out, and change clothes again. Then, it was too late for me to exercise. See, yesterday it worked out well exercising in the afternoon, and that's what I wanted to do today. So, what it comes down to, again, is that I didn't exercise because I didn't want to. Also, I hurt my shoulder again doing just a few push-ups and planks yesterday. So annoying! I'm going to have to go to the chiropractor next week and get my neck and shoulder put back in place to stop the pain. My finger finally did go back into place today, thank goodness.
I am not going to quit until I have conquered myself! I realize that this is an issue of character as much as anything else. My character faults show in my lack of self-discipline, which Brian Tracey defines as "doing the right thing at the right time whether you feel like it or not." My will power to "DO" is not stronger than my willpower to "NOT DO" ... yet!
Well, tomorrow is Saturday. I have events starting at 4:30 and going all through the evening tomorrow. So, even though sleeping in is usually my number one goal for Saturdays, if I want to get much done (including picking up dog food!) ... and EXERCISING ... I'd best not sleep too late.
I hope you have a great day tomorrow. Whether you plan to work or play or rest, I hope you have a wonderful time.
Cheers!
Lisa
Thursday, February 20, 2014
Day 85 - A Good Day!
Dear Reader,
Today has been a pretty pleasant day, and I feel like I got a lot done. The first thing that happened today was, when I got out of bed I felt my belly and caught myself immediately saying, "You're so fat! You're so disgusting!" I switched that off right away and decided that, today, I was going to be kind to myself. No hating on myself for at least today. I mean, after all, my body is handling things about as well as you can expect it to. It is VERY hard for me to lose weight because of my high cortisol levels from all the extreme stress I'm under. So, I managed to get through the rest of the day with a minimum of smack-talk to myself, which was really nice.
I DID exercise today! Whoo hoo!! I am quite a bit stronger than I was at the outset of this project, which is encouraging. I impressed the heck out of my daughter when she saw me go into a shoulder stand and hold it. She can't do it at all which was just GREAT!!! I can't quite get my toes to the ground to go into Plow; I had only recently been able to do that a few months ago, and then quit practicing yoga. But, it was still nice to impress my 22 year-old girl!
We need some furniture re-finished before we leave, and were starting with my husband's credenza. He was given a $1000 estimate to sand it, restain it, and varnish it! No way! So, I was, thankfully, able to find someone who will do it for $300!
I also researched moving companies and did NOT like what I found! Virtually all the big names (Allied, Atlas, Mayflower, United, Bekins, etc.) get TERRIBLE reviews! I was getting worried about what I was finding and did a search for moving companies in my state. This brought up a different list with some lesser known companies. Two of these companies got STELLAR reveiws! One of them had 166 reviews, mostly all 5 stars. Another one had some 132 reviews, most of them 5 stars. I called the first one and, they do something curious. They don't come out to personally inspect your possessions, but they go on the information that other companies give you when they come out and, based on those figures, make you a bid. The other company doesn't send anyone out, either, but ask you very specific questions about your large furniture, and put together their bid based on that. With the first one, anyway, their bid is final, and they will not raise it at all. So, I'll be curious to find out more about them. A big national company is coming out tomorrow at 9:00. This was obviously scheduled by my husband, because I am ASLEEP at 9:00!
I was on the phone with one of these smaller companies and she was having me tell her all of the large furniture in our house. About the time I was getting close to being through...her computer dropped the whole thing. I thought that only happened to me! So now, I've got to send her an email detailing our big furniture because I didn't want to do all of that again. I really don't think this is going to work because I have TONS of stuff in the basement! My husband has a woodworking shop down there, I have all sorts of stuff, including about 16 boxes of Christmas decorations. So, how am I going to tell her about all of that?? Well ... I just made a decision. I'm not. I'm going to email her and tell her that it's impossible unless they send someone out, and if they can't do that then I will prefer to use someone else. And, that makes my evening shorter! Which is good because, it's a bit after 11:00 pm and I am, once again, really sleepy. This is so cool!
I am happy to report that my bathroom is completely ready to be packed up. I have finished going through every single thing in it and weeded out tons of stuff. I am still making headway on my desk and hope to finish going through the files tomorrow. I spent some time this evening typing up a bunch of information I have from researching ceiling fans for our outdoor veranda. My husband would never pay the money for them, but maybe hers will! We host a lot of events on it, so ceiling fans are really needed. At this point we rent three of those huge upright fans that are used in gyms! They are noisy and blow everyone's hair around unless you point them up toward the ceiling. I had a folder full of information, so I went through it and figured it out again and typed it up succinctly. My husband would say it was a waste of time, and he may be right, but I did it anyway.
I got some more work done on my credenza, also. One shelf has three baskets holding a lot of things. I completely got through two of these baskets and most of the third. In one of the baskets I found the entire file folder containing a large article I wrote sometime back. There are two versions of the article in the file, and I was happy to find them all. It was about to be accepted by a major Christian magazine when ... they suddenly WENT OUT OF BUSINESS!!! I received an email from the editor saying she was looking forward to offering it to her readers, but wanted me to double check what scholars said about some doctrinal points I was making on some little-used verses in Hebrews and 1 Peter. Then, the next email said they were closing down in the face of the recession. It discouraged me so badly!! Maybe I'll read over it again and see if there is a magazine I could place it with. I'd LOVE to be in Christianity Today! (Dream big, right??)
I did not run errands today, which is probably why I had a good day! Not a single one. I MUST do so tomorrow, though, because I'm about to run out of dog food! And human food also.
I ate well today, even though we went to Olive Garden! I had no bread, no croutons, and got the tilapia with shrimp on top and broccoli and a side of gluten-free pasta. And, I'm now HUNGRY! I think I'll be making a run downstairs to toast a gluten-free English muffin. These Glutino products are really good!
I did not do anything about finding an endocrinologist or a rheumatologist, though I did get out my cardiologist's phone number and wrote it down, along with the name of her assistant to call. But ... it was around lunchtime, so I figured they would not be in, and then I just completely forgot about it.
I came across an 8x11 picture of my father in black and white. It looks like it was taken not too long before he died. He looks miserable. It's the look he had on his face most of the time because of my mom. He looks so very sad and unhealthy. I keep a snapshot of him on my desk taken at work that caught him smiling big at someone and looking like he was about to start laughing. There aren't very many pictures of him. He died when I was 26, and before I appreciated the sacrifice he made in staying with us. He was going to move out at one point when I was around 5 and took me off in the car to tell me. I went into hysterical crying, begging him to please, please not leave. He finally agreed to stay, and I watched the tiny gleam of hope that was in his eye die. It breaks my heart now that he stayed because of me and lost his chance of some happiness. If he had moved out, even temporarily, he might have gained some control over my mother's behavior. But by giving in and staying I think he lost all chance of that. I do know that the abuse at home would have gotten WAAAAAY worse! And I think I would have had a complete collapse if he had left. But now, as an adult, I see it differently and realize how much strength it took for him to stay.
I haven't chewed on my nails or cuticles since I said I wouldn't. I've given up on making juices after that one thing that was SO AMAZINGLY awful.
I had the joints of two of my fingers on my right hand come out of joint this evening while we were at the restaurant. It hurt so badly! One of them went back into joint pretty quickly, but the other one is still out and quite painful. You can feel the big lump of bone where the knuckle juts out. I hope it slips back in place during the night.
Tomorrow won't be much fun. These are the errands I have to do:
dry cleaning
alterations shop
grocery store
Ulta
Dillards
drop off things at a thrift store
UPS store
post office
I'm looking at four hours at the very least. And I want so BAD to keep working in my office! That little bit of obsessive/compulsive nature I have has clicked into gear.
Waking up is not being as awful as it was there for a while. It still takes me about an hour to wake up and make the final decision to get out of bed. But, even still, it's better than it was.
Oh, I had an interesting bit with my counselor yesterday that I forgot to mention. We were talking about my concerns about our move, and my hopes that everything was going to be great. She talked about how I was going to handle moving away from my kids (28 and 23 ... not kids age-wise, but kids maturity-wise) and asked how I was going to feel about that. I said that I thought that I would probably be wracked with feelings of guilt. She, of course, asked why and I said just because I'm the mother and I'm always supposed to be there for them. But I'm not. I'm moving away from them. So, we talked about that some, and I mentioned how I blossomed when I moved to a town away from my mother back when I was in my twenties. She gave me a different perspective to look at this from. I blossomed when I got away from my mother; and she said that, even though I haven't been an awful parent like mom, that still, my moving away gives them the space to blossom on their own in a way that they might not if we were staying here.
Pretty interesting. I think the only one who feels like I will be abandoning them is me.
Well, I'm off for my Glutino English muffin and then bed. Tomorrow the main thing will be deciding whether to run errands first or work on my desk first... and where to work in exercising. I DON'T WANT TO GO TO THE Y! Not yet. Maybe next week? Well, have a great evening, and let's keep striving to improve our lives in the multiplicity of ways we are trying.
Cheers!
Lisa
Today has been a pretty pleasant day, and I feel like I got a lot done. The first thing that happened today was, when I got out of bed I felt my belly and caught myself immediately saying, "You're so fat! You're so disgusting!" I switched that off right away and decided that, today, I was going to be kind to myself. No hating on myself for at least today. I mean, after all, my body is handling things about as well as you can expect it to. It is VERY hard for me to lose weight because of my high cortisol levels from all the extreme stress I'm under. So, I managed to get through the rest of the day with a minimum of smack-talk to myself, which was really nice.
I DID exercise today! Whoo hoo!! I am quite a bit stronger than I was at the outset of this project, which is encouraging. I impressed the heck out of my daughter when she saw me go into a shoulder stand and hold it. She can't do it at all which was just GREAT!!! I can't quite get my toes to the ground to go into Plow; I had only recently been able to do that a few months ago, and then quit practicing yoga. But, it was still nice to impress my 22 year-old girl!
We need some furniture re-finished before we leave, and were starting with my husband's credenza. He was given a $1000 estimate to sand it, restain it, and varnish it! No way! So, I was, thankfully, able to find someone who will do it for $300!
I also researched moving companies and did NOT like what I found! Virtually all the big names (Allied, Atlas, Mayflower, United, Bekins, etc.) get TERRIBLE reviews! I was getting worried about what I was finding and did a search for moving companies in my state. This brought up a different list with some lesser known companies. Two of these companies got STELLAR reveiws! One of them had 166 reviews, mostly all 5 stars. Another one had some 132 reviews, most of them 5 stars. I called the first one and, they do something curious. They don't come out to personally inspect your possessions, but they go on the information that other companies give you when they come out and, based on those figures, make you a bid. The other company doesn't send anyone out, either, but ask you very specific questions about your large furniture, and put together their bid based on that. With the first one, anyway, their bid is final, and they will not raise it at all. So, I'll be curious to find out more about them. A big national company is coming out tomorrow at 9:00. This was obviously scheduled by my husband, because I am ASLEEP at 9:00!
I was on the phone with one of these smaller companies and she was having me tell her all of the large furniture in our house. About the time I was getting close to being through...her computer dropped the whole thing. I thought that only happened to me! So now, I've got to send her an email detailing our big furniture because I didn't want to do all of that again. I really don't think this is going to work because I have TONS of stuff in the basement! My husband has a woodworking shop down there, I have all sorts of stuff, including about 16 boxes of Christmas decorations. So, how am I going to tell her about all of that?? Well ... I just made a decision. I'm not. I'm going to email her and tell her that it's impossible unless they send someone out, and if they can't do that then I will prefer to use someone else. And, that makes my evening shorter! Which is good because, it's a bit after 11:00 pm and I am, once again, really sleepy. This is so cool!
I am happy to report that my bathroom is completely ready to be packed up. I have finished going through every single thing in it and weeded out tons of stuff. I am still making headway on my desk and hope to finish going through the files tomorrow. I spent some time this evening typing up a bunch of information I have from researching ceiling fans for our outdoor veranda. My husband would never pay the money for them, but maybe hers will! We host a lot of events on it, so ceiling fans are really needed. At this point we rent three of those huge upright fans that are used in gyms! They are noisy and blow everyone's hair around unless you point them up toward the ceiling. I had a folder full of information, so I went through it and figured it out again and typed it up succinctly. My husband would say it was a waste of time, and he may be right, but I did it anyway.
I got some more work done on my credenza, also. One shelf has three baskets holding a lot of things. I completely got through two of these baskets and most of the third. In one of the baskets I found the entire file folder containing a large article I wrote sometime back. There are two versions of the article in the file, and I was happy to find them all. It was about to be accepted by a major Christian magazine when ... they suddenly WENT OUT OF BUSINESS!!! I received an email from the editor saying she was looking forward to offering it to her readers, but wanted me to double check what scholars said about some doctrinal points I was making on some little-used verses in Hebrews and 1 Peter. Then, the next email said they were closing down in the face of the recession. It discouraged me so badly!! Maybe I'll read over it again and see if there is a magazine I could place it with. I'd LOVE to be in Christianity Today! (Dream big, right??)
I did not run errands today, which is probably why I had a good day! Not a single one. I MUST do so tomorrow, though, because I'm about to run out of dog food! And human food also.
I ate well today, even though we went to Olive Garden! I had no bread, no croutons, and got the tilapia with shrimp on top and broccoli and a side of gluten-free pasta. And, I'm now HUNGRY! I think I'll be making a run downstairs to toast a gluten-free English muffin. These Glutino products are really good!
I did not do anything about finding an endocrinologist or a rheumatologist, though I did get out my cardiologist's phone number and wrote it down, along with the name of her assistant to call. But ... it was around lunchtime, so I figured they would not be in, and then I just completely forgot about it.
I came across an 8x11 picture of my father in black and white. It looks like it was taken not too long before he died. He looks miserable. It's the look he had on his face most of the time because of my mom. He looks so very sad and unhealthy. I keep a snapshot of him on my desk taken at work that caught him smiling big at someone and looking like he was about to start laughing. There aren't very many pictures of him. He died when I was 26, and before I appreciated the sacrifice he made in staying with us. He was going to move out at one point when I was around 5 and took me off in the car to tell me. I went into hysterical crying, begging him to please, please not leave. He finally agreed to stay, and I watched the tiny gleam of hope that was in his eye die. It breaks my heart now that he stayed because of me and lost his chance of some happiness. If he had moved out, even temporarily, he might have gained some control over my mother's behavior. But by giving in and staying I think he lost all chance of that. I do know that the abuse at home would have gotten WAAAAAY worse! And I think I would have had a complete collapse if he had left. But now, as an adult, I see it differently and realize how much strength it took for him to stay.
I haven't chewed on my nails or cuticles since I said I wouldn't. I've given up on making juices after that one thing that was SO AMAZINGLY awful.
I had the joints of two of my fingers on my right hand come out of joint this evening while we were at the restaurant. It hurt so badly! One of them went back into joint pretty quickly, but the other one is still out and quite painful. You can feel the big lump of bone where the knuckle juts out. I hope it slips back in place during the night.
Tomorrow won't be much fun. These are the errands I have to do:
dry cleaning
alterations shop
grocery store
Ulta
Dillards
drop off things at a thrift store
UPS store
post office
I'm looking at four hours at the very least. And I want so BAD to keep working in my office! That little bit of obsessive/compulsive nature I have has clicked into gear.
Waking up is not being as awful as it was there for a while. It still takes me about an hour to wake up and make the final decision to get out of bed. But, even still, it's better than it was.
Oh, I had an interesting bit with my counselor yesterday that I forgot to mention. We were talking about my concerns about our move, and my hopes that everything was going to be great. She talked about how I was going to handle moving away from my kids (28 and 23 ... not kids age-wise, but kids maturity-wise) and asked how I was going to feel about that. I said that I thought that I would probably be wracked with feelings of guilt. She, of course, asked why and I said just because I'm the mother and I'm always supposed to be there for them. But I'm not. I'm moving away from them. So, we talked about that some, and I mentioned how I blossomed when I moved to a town away from my mother back when I was in my twenties. She gave me a different perspective to look at this from. I blossomed when I got away from my mother; and she said that, even though I haven't been an awful parent like mom, that still, my moving away gives them the space to blossom on their own in a way that they might not if we were staying here.
Pretty interesting. I think the only one who feels like I will be abandoning them is me.
Well, I'm off for my Glutino English muffin and then bed. Tomorrow the main thing will be deciding whether to run errands first or work on my desk first... and where to work in exercising. I DON'T WANT TO GO TO THE Y! Not yet. Maybe next week? Well, have a great evening, and let's keep striving to improve our lives in the multiplicity of ways we are trying.
Cheers!
Lisa
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