Dear Companion,
Sometimes I don't caption an entry until I have finished writing it because I'm not really sure how the day went. Like today. I felt anxious and I'll-at-ease a lot. I felt like a "bad, no good" person because I forgot to put a diaper on my dog and she pooped all over the kitchen floor. I flip to that station super easily, probably because I experienced so much shame from the dirty conditions I grew up in. I did some good self-talk, though. I asked myself if dog poop on the floor meant I was white trash? If the dog had not pooped, would I have been white trash? After I cleaned it up, would I be white trash? If I had remembered the diaper and the floor was clean, was I white trash? So, if I wouldn't have been white trash if the floor was not dirty, then it was completely invalid to criticize my inner self because my floor is dirty from an old, incontinent dog! Things were made worse because they buffed and polished the floors yesterday and just crammed every box and item into all of the rooms, willy-nilly. So, the house was chaotic as well. I saw my psychologist today and told her about this. She said the self-talk was excellent. Even if it doesn't last, I interrupted that automatic line of thinking and showed that it was untrue, I may have to keep doing this, but at least for this once, I interrupted it and spoke the truth to myself. I'm try to get differentiated between my mother and family and home and myself. I've made loads of progress through the years, but have not fully differentiated who I am from my environment.
Something strange happened today. I woke up on my own at 10:00 ... awake! I didn't struggle to stay awake and fall back asleep and all of that. I just woke up! I got up and out on clothes, washed my face, went downstairs, let the dogs out, fed them, found the poop, made some coffee, and went to my study to pray and read my Bible, all without going back to sleep! That is REMARKABLE!!
Were going out to eat and to a movie tomorrow. So I hope to be able to get a lot done one the house. As always there is the conflict between doing what is immediately necessary (laundry, watering plants, cleaning the kitchen. Etc.) and working to push the house further towards being unpackeed. There is SO MUCH STILL TO BE DONE!!! Sometimes I wonder if I'm ever going to have a normal life again ... ever!? I'd like very badly to get back to working solid in my son's room tomorrow until it is finally finished. Im really hoping to be able to get at least one good hour in there. I can do a lot in an hour.
Someday, Saturdays are going to be fun again! Surely! Have a great weekend.
Cheers!
Lisa
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