Dear Reader,
I had a better day today. My back did sort itself out during the night and was just a little sore today from the spasms. I sent a text to the woman I got so upset with yesterday accepting her apology and apologizing for over-reacting and being sharp with her. Wasn't easy, but it was the right thing to do. The physical plant sent some men out to put the boxes up properly in the basement, but it wasn't the men who made the mess, but apparently they're in trouble. I have not had a conference with my housekeeper yet because I decided there was too much to chastise her about. I hope to break it all down and address just one thing each day so I don't demoralize her. But she has to get better or the next First Lady might not keep her and she can't afford to lose her job. Her main problem is a lack of disciplined, mental focus and she is far more reactive than proactive. I have years of mentoring behind me and she's already learned and improved a lot ... but there still a lot of ground to cover!
I woke up better today. I was pretty alert within thirty minutes of the alarm going off. A new record. I remembered to put the big cushion under my legs to elevate them to get blood flow to my brain and I do think it helped. I tried another morning meditation, but it was ridiculous! "You are a loving person! You are a person people want to be with! You have a sense of humor!" It would say it in one ear and then echo it in the other. I quickly turned that off and found one that uses binaural beats to wake you up. It was interesting. There were no words, only the sound of birds and a bee or fly buzzing around! That was super annoying! But the beats were very interesting. I'm not sure if I'll use it again or not, though.
I exercised this morning! Yeah! I used the Mama Mia sound track, which is so much fun. I added in more exercises, though I am still staying on the floor. The music made me want to work harder and longer, so we'll see how my inflammation levels are tonight and if I'm in pain. I'm hoping not, and so far I'm fine. That would be encouraging. And I'm starting to really enjoy what I'm doing, and am actually looking forward to it tomorrow.
My daughter and I went out to eat a late lunch together and then got pedicures. We had a good time, but her toe color is prettier than mine!
I started pearling off the polish from the manicure last week, so I took it off with remover this evening before I pulled and chipped it all off, ruining my nails in the process.
I made a very good salad for dinner with lots of fresh vegetables and romaine lettuce. Then I sautéed shrimp with some spicy creole seasoning and it was really good. But I had a little piece of hot pepper lodge on my soft palate and I was coughing and choking up a storm! Then I started laughing because my husband is taking me to a fancy resor and I could just imagine me doing it there! I'll try to avoid hot pepper while there! I also made a lite fruit bowl with fresh orange sections and pomegranate seeds with Cointreau. It was quite nice. Then ... I went downstairs because I was a bit hungry and ate several gluten-free crackers with dairy-free cream cheese and turkey slices! Now I feel gross, which serves me right.
We've decided to go to Jamaica instead of Hawaii since we've never been there, and I don't handle jet lag well at all. I'm really excited about it. Of course, I will probably be on the International Shark Files soon looking up how many shark attacks have happened there!
So, everything was going nicely ... and then I called my mother. Oh my. She really got to me badly tonight, which is just another sign that my "self" is still floundering a bit. I won't go into the details and will only say that I was flushing badly and am pretty sure I was having a major cortisol rush. She was complaining of having been in pain last night and I tried to remind her of what she needs to do when that happens which is to take a big dose of prednisone. This launched a big storm of belligerence and then arguing about anything I said. I mean even down to arguing with me when I mentioned that a doctor told me once that, when adhesions are suspected, the only thing that can be done is surgery because there's not a test that can show adhesions. It's just hopeless, or at least that's how it feels right now. I kept telling myself that I am moving to New York. I am moving to New York. Sometimes all I can feel is hatred towards her. Then she'll pull out and be moderately normal for a while and I am lulled back into opening myself up to her again and loving her as my mother, and then she launches into another dark place, and seems to really enjoy herself in there.
I read a book a few years ago that helped me greatly. It's called "Stop Walking On Eggshells! Taking your life back when someone you love has Borderline Personality Disorder." It pretty much changed my world! I kept telling myself this evening that I can't fix her. She's the only one who could do that, but she never will. I thought about how truly terrible she may get by the time I actually move, and how she is likely to call me up, like she's done twice before, and say, "Find me a place, I'm moving up." I think my ability to say, "Uh ... no you're not!" Is getting stronger. A friend told me last night that my husband and I need these years to ourselves after all the years of having kids at home," and I know she's right.
So, I've been pretty upset and angry and agitated the rest of the evening. You know how a really big, bad bruise feels? Well, that's how my emotions have been. And then it occurred to me that I let her get to me again! That she WANTED to be in pain and tell me about it and make me feel bad because she WANTED to be the VICTIM! So, when I told her what she could have done to stop the pain, that was the last thing she wanted. She wanted me to enter her drama and poor-baby her! She didn't want to be empowered. She wanted to be enabled!! I'm not terribly bright since it took me almost two hours before I figured that out.
The other thing I realized is that she is sort of like a virus. I've been on a research kick about viruses and have learned how their protein coat is key-coded to match them up with particular cells. Then they latch onto the cell and pierce it's cell wall and then inject their contents into the cell and take it over. I'm just like that cell! I let her break through my cell wall, which makes sense seeing as how my "self" is shaky right now. I've been doing much better with her, but I didn't do well tonight and let her ruin the evening of what had been a good day. Darn!!
Well, tomorrow is, wonderfully and miraculously, a new day! The opportunity to try again and push the ball a bit further, to move a bit more in the direction of the self you want to become. I hope your journey is going well.
Cheers!
Lisa
No comments:
Post a Comment