In New York!
Okay, I think I did fairly well today, for me! I read some morning affirmations I found online and, frankly, they just sound stupid to me. But, I used the idea of affirmations as I packed. I kept telling myself, "I make decisions easily and competently!" And, I think it actually helped. I have a terrible time packing. I usually make extremely detailed packing lists, but I decided not to do that this time. The reasons I flip out packing is complicated and have been talked about at length in counseling sessions. Apparently ... I have big "abandonment" issues, so leaving home freaks me out and I feel like I have to pack for every possible contingency, and it scares me. I get upset about leaving my dogs, my home, even my garden! I'm SOOOOO much better than I used to be, but it's still not easy.
I have to make lists for everything. Like right now I am in our hotel room. We just finished watching "The Biggest Loser'" and, I swear I feel like I need to make a list for what to do the rest of the evening! I'm so used now to using lists to control myself and keep myself moving. Since I "lose time"so easily, they really help. But I'm going to refuse to make a list tonight for just getting ready for bed!
Watching the show tonight, something David said really resonated with me. He said, "If you fix what's wrong here (indicating his head), amazing things can happen." See, I have this vision of me living in New York being easily the person I want to be. Getting up early, walking, exercising, writing, being self-disciplined. Cooking wonderful meals, friends over, having a glass of wine in the evening, going yo sleep easily, not being constantly bone weary. Dressed chic and stylishly and weighing thirty pounds less! It's all got a very rosy glow to it. But the truth is that I'm going to be just as willful in New York as I am here! I'm going to "rebel" against myself! I'm going to want to sleep in, stay up late, eat badly, not exercise, and FOR SURE not write!! I'm going to fight in New York the same battles I fight with myself here. There will be no magical change that goes along with a change in latitude and longitude! I'm not going to wake up and suddenly be my best self each and every day. I'm not going to suddenly not have insomnia, dysautonomia, chronic idiopathic angioedema, mountains of food allergies, and a connective tissue disorder! I'm not going to suddenly fall in love with apples and hate eating sugar and chocolate! (Like that's even going to happen!). I'm not going to quit wanting to be really full after I eat. I grew up hungry because of being neglected so many years of my life, and the after-effects of those years aren't going to just up and disappear.
So what exactly is it that I need to be doing now before I move to make that vision of myself a reality? Well, as David said, I need to fix what is "here," in my heart and mind and soul. Part of how this happens, I think, is by challenging myself hard, over and over. Find the Road blocks I have set up and mow them down. Bowl them over. Put them to bed. Whatever is the best analogy!
That's what was going on yesterday. I have been challenging myself on a lot of different levels and yesterday I had just had it. I was tired and disgruntled and kind of fed up and just DONE with all this change I'm trying to create. But, I don't know any other way to go about this except to keep pushing ahead until my psyche pushes back ... and then win the battle.
I read most of a small book called "Resistance." It was all about this: whatever is good will be resisted. That it's not about other people or situations or circumstances. If you lived on Mars, you would experience resistance if you tried to do something good, because the resistance is within you! I didn't finish the book because ... I didn't want to! It was discouraging. But, looking the situation in the face has to be a good thing, don't you think? I read in another book, I can't remember which one at the moment, that had a very interesting concept called ... I don't remember! He had a name for it, but basically, what he said as that you only need TWO MINUTES of willpower. That usually you only need to get yourself to change activities and stick to it for two minutes, and then you'll be fine and will settle into the next task, happy to have pushed back for those crucial two minutes. (I wonder if this would work when you need to quit eating Nutella. From the jar. With a spoon!) I think that was the point of the book called "Resistance." That all you needed to do ("all"!) is realize you are experiencing resistance, and keep on going despite it. That resistance is like a wall that you need to break through and then, once you're on the other side, proceeding is far easier. So, recognize it, acknowledge it, and carry on until you break through it.
I'm not going to quit trying to change. I was deeply wounded by a childhood that was-off-the charts traumatic. I was never treated in any way that would promote my growth. All I was there for was to protect my older brothers and my father from my mother's rages. That was it. I had no value in any other way and was not allowed to develop normally. That affects a person. I'm not completely healed and my growth has never caught up to where it should be. This growth is, of course, greatly hampered because I am STILL taking care of my mother and enduring her unique combination of craziness and cruelty. Craziness and cruelty served up with a side of kindness and love! If she were only crazy and cruel, perhaps I might have made different choices. But empathy always caused me to understand and excuse her terrible behavior. But, then there are those times when she is suddenly NORMAL and NICE and DELIGHTFUL and LOVES me! These times are rare, but they are what keep me going. My counselor says to try to understand this way: Somedays I can see my mother, but most days all I can see is her illness. On days when she acts out badly, instead of getting terribly upset about it or angry, just think to myself that I couldn't see my mother today, only her illness. It helps a little.
Tomorrow I hope to find our new home! That will be so wonderful, to finally know! There are three possibilities. I am going out with the realtor during the day to look them over. Then we are meeting up with my husband and the Chairman of the Board for them to look at the houses. This is good, because otherwise my husband would just buy the cheapest of the three! But the Chair will probably be more interested in how the house will represent the college and will factor that in. And I want one of the two that have a POOL soooo bad! I mean, I have HEALTH PROBLEMS, right??? Health problems that would be benefitted by having a pool! Right? :-)
Well, I'm off to try to get to sleep now. In the spirit of yesterday's self-castigation, I should add that I did not make any of the juices for which is bought the vegetables, I did not get a manicure yesterday, I did not work out this morning, and I did not get the water for the aquarium. There. That should do it.
When we get back home, I will consider it to be Round Two of trying to conquer my lowest self. The truculent self. (Isn't that a great word? You don't really get to use it very often!)
So, how are your resolutions coming along? Making some progress? Having some good progress? Remember what they are?? I hope so!
Cheers!
Lisa
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