Dear Reader,
I am very discouraged this evening. I was so completely exhausted this morning that I could not wake up at all. I'd drag myself out of sleep only to be sucked back under. Once I was finally able to get up and dressed, I felt awful. I'm really discouraged about ever being able to get my health back now. Too many things wrong. Maybe when and if life gets more simple after we move things will get better.
I read some today about adrenal exhaustion, and it seemed to fit. I understand, though, that the test to check your levels of cortisol, adrenaline, and those other hormones and what your levels are at different times of day is really expensive. Apparently your supposed to have a surge of cortisol in the morning which is what causes you to wake up. I'm pretty sure I don't have that.
I'm hoping to spend a lot of time tomorrow working on things in the basement that I need to do to be ready to move.
Since, I'm so down-hearted, I won't say anything more.
Cheers?
Lisa
Friday, January 31, 2014
Thursday, January 30, 2014
Day 106 - We Picked Out a Home!
We had a great visit to New York! I really like it there so much. The area where we will live is just wonderful. There is so much nature and trails! I can't wait to take my dogs for walks. It's cold, but not much colder than where we are in Tennessee. And somehow, when there is snow on the ground and everything looks beautiful, the cold feels more brisk and refreshing than when there is no snow and no chance of snow!
We are getting the house I wanted! So exciting and, yes, it has a pool! My counselor said that would be so good for me. It's not a pool big enough to do laps in it, like one of the others. But big enough to enjoy and play in! And it will look so beautiful and, best of all, I won't have to take care of it!
My husband worked out with the Board about the total amount to be spent on the house, furnishing it, and putting up a fence. I think I will be able to bring it in for less than they have budgeted. I'm petty good at interior design, so I don't feel like I will need to hire someone. And I don't feel the need to buy top quality furniture. It seems like Ethan Allen sofas run about $1000 more than a sofa from, say, Haverty's. So my plan is to use good quality, mid-priced, basic furniture pieces, and then use designer fabrics for the draperies, accent pillows and occasional chairs. Custom-made draperies cost sooooo much! I could sew them myself, but I'm NOT going to!
I like for a home to have a color scheme that flows throughout it. I think I'm going to go with an extremely pale yellow on the walls with white trim, and then use tones of spring green and pink-to-rose tones. What is that big, famous hotel in Seattle? I'm on a plane right now so I can't look it up. The Fairmont? I think that's it. These are the colors they use in their rooms and it is so uplifting and bright and cheerful!
The downstairs rooms include a large entry foyer, formal living, formal dining, sun room, study, kitchen, powder room, small family room, breakfast room, and laundry. Plenty of room to play with those colors. I've seen a breakfast room on pinterest and houzz that I LOVE that is done in green and white. The only problem us that I also love a pink, aqua, gray, and white color scheme. No way to really combine the two, but maybe I can use those upstairs.
Lots of work to get done. I know a good seamstress here and I may get her to make the drapes. I imagine she will cost less than someone there.
My husband has also not given up getting me household help through the college, which I appreciate. He said he talked to the operations officer that, without a housekeeper, it tied me down to the house to admit caterers, florists, maintenance workers, etc. and that it's not right for me to be tied down like that. I like this reasoning! It, frankly, hadn't occurred to me. The general practice is that all I SHOULD have to do is get dressed and walk downstairs in time for the event! So, we'll see what happens. My husband very much wants me working less, much less, than I am now so I can focus on regaining health.
I had an interesting experience at LaGuardia. There was a real cute Jewish family going through security when we were. I chatted playfully with their adorable little boy and then went my way. Later, though, we were in the terminal and a seat opened up by me, and this young woman came and sat down by me. We started chatting and I was playing with their little boy. And the two of us wound up having a wonderful heart-to-heart conversation! Never met before and will never meet again I imagine. But we wound up somehow sharing some of our deepest pains! She was divorced from a man who seriously abused her, and had married a widower. They both had children from their previous marriages and then this little sweet boy. Some of the friends of her husband's wife were very unkind to her, even though she was mothering their friend's children and taking care of her husband. I told her about an awful experience I had had in a church some years ago, not in Tennessee, that had hurt me terribly. She told me, with some embarrassment, that she had been given this strange treatment called EMDR! I started laughing and told her that I had had it, too. So, that was neat. Maybe I will meet them again, they live in New York City which is only ... well, it's smaller than the size of Texas anyway!
So, tomorrow begins Round Two of trying to straighten out my entire, dysfunctional life and gain physical health in the remaining, what, 107 days?! Who's betting on me???
Cheers!
Lisa
We are getting the house I wanted! So exciting and, yes, it has a pool! My counselor said that would be so good for me. It's not a pool big enough to do laps in it, like one of the others. But big enough to enjoy and play in! And it will look so beautiful and, best of all, I won't have to take care of it!
My husband worked out with the Board about the total amount to be spent on the house, furnishing it, and putting up a fence. I think I will be able to bring it in for less than they have budgeted. I'm petty good at interior design, so I don't feel like I will need to hire someone. And I don't feel the need to buy top quality furniture. It seems like Ethan Allen sofas run about $1000 more than a sofa from, say, Haverty's. So my plan is to use good quality, mid-priced, basic furniture pieces, and then use designer fabrics for the draperies, accent pillows and occasional chairs. Custom-made draperies cost sooooo much! I could sew them myself, but I'm NOT going to!
I like for a home to have a color scheme that flows throughout it. I think I'm going to go with an extremely pale yellow on the walls with white trim, and then use tones of spring green and pink-to-rose tones. What is that big, famous hotel in Seattle? I'm on a plane right now so I can't look it up. The Fairmont? I think that's it. These are the colors they use in their rooms and it is so uplifting and bright and cheerful!
The downstairs rooms include a large entry foyer, formal living, formal dining, sun room, study, kitchen, powder room, small family room, breakfast room, and laundry. Plenty of room to play with those colors. I've seen a breakfast room on pinterest and houzz that I LOVE that is done in green and white. The only problem us that I also love a pink, aqua, gray, and white color scheme. No way to really combine the two, but maybe I can use those upstairs.
Lots of work to get done. I know a good seamstress here and I may get her to make the drapes. I imagine she will cost less than someone there.
My husband has also not given up getting me household help through the college, which I appreciate. He said he talked to the operations officer that, without a housekeeper, it tied me down to the house to admit caterers, florists, maintenance workers, etc. and that it's not right for me to be tied down like that. I like this reasoning! It, frankly, hadn't occurred to me. The general practice is that all I SHOULD have to do is get dressed and walk downstairs in time for the event! So, we'll see what happens. My husband very much wants me working less, much less, than I am now so I can focus on regaining health.
I had an interesting experience at LaGuardia. There was a real cute Jewish family going through security when we were. I chatted playfully with their adorable little boy and then went my way. Later, though, we were in the terminal and a seat opened up by me, and this young woman came and sat down by me. We started chatting and I was playing with their little boy. And the two of us wound up having a wonderful heart-to-heart conversation! Never met before and will never meet again I imagine. But we wound up somehow sharing some of our deepest pains! She was divorced from a man who seriously abused her, and had married a widower. They both had children from their previous marriages and then this little sweet boy. Some of the friends of her husband's wife were very unkind to her, even though she was mothering their friend's children and taking care of her husband. I told her about an awful experience I had had in a church some years ago, not in Tennessee, that had hurt me terribly. She told me, with some embarrassment, that she had been given this strange treatment called EMDR! I started laughing and told her that I had had it, too. So, that was neat. Maybe I will meet them again, they live in New York City which is only ... well, it's smaller than the size of Texas anyway!
So, tomorrow begins Round Two of trying to straighten out my entire, dysfunctional life and gain physical health in the remaining, what, 107 days?! Who's betting on me???
Cheers!
Lisa
Tuesday, January 28, 2014
Day 108 - In New York!
In New York!
Okay, I think I did fairly well today, for me! I read some morning affirmations I found online and, frankly, they just sound stupid to me. But, I used the idea of affirmations as I packed. I kept telling myself, "I make decisions easily and competently!" And, I think it actually helped. I have a terrible time packing. I usually make extremely detailed packing lists, but I decided not to do that this time. The reasons I flip out packing is complicated and have been talked about at length in counseling sessions. Apparently ... I have big "abandonment" issues, so leaving home freaks me out and I feel like I have to pack for every possible contingency, and it scares me. I get upset about leaving my dogs, my home, even my garden! I'm SOOOOO much better than I used to be, but it's still not easy.
I have to make lists for everything. Like right now I am in our hotel room. We just finished watching "The Biggest Loser'" and, I swear I feel like I need to make a list for what to do the rest of the evening! I'm so used now to using lists to control myself and keep myself moving. Since I "lose time"so easily, they really help. But I'm going to refuse to make a list tonight for just getting ready for bed!
Watching the show tonight, something David said really resonated with me. He said, "If you fix what's wrong here (indicating his head), amazing things can happen." See, I have this vision of me living in New York being easily the person I want to be. Getting up early, walking, exercising, writing, being self-disciplined. Cooking wonderful meals, friends over, having a glass of wine in the evening, going yo sleep easily, not being constantly bone weary. Dressed chic and stylishly and weighing thirty pounds less! It's all got a very rosy glow to it. But the truth is that I'm going to be just as willful in New York as I am here! I'm going to "rebel" against myself! I'm going to want to sleep in, stay up late, eat badly, not exercise, and FOR SURE not write!! I'm going to fight in New York the same battles I fight with myself here. There will be no magical change that goes along with a change in latitude and longitude! I'm not going to wake up and suddenly be my best self each and every day. I'm not going to suddenly not have insomnia, dysautonomia, chronic idiopathic angioedema, mountains of food allergies, and a connective tissue disorder! I'm not going to suddenly fall in love with apples and hate eating sugar and chocolate! (Like that's even going to happen!). I'm not going to quit wanting to be really full after I eat. I grew up hungry because of being neglected so many years of my life, and the after-effects of those years aren't going to just up and disappear.
So what exactly is it that I need to be doing now before I move to make that vision of myself a reality? Well, as David said, I need to fix what is "here," in my heart and mind and soul. Part of how this happens, I think, is by challenging myself hard, over and over. Find the Road blocks I have set up and mow them down. Bowl them over. Put them to bed. Whatever is the best analogy!
That's what was going on yesterday. I have been challenging myself on a lot of different levels and yesterday I had just had it. I was tired and disgruntled and kind of fed up and just DONE with all this change I'm trying to create. But, I don't know any other way to go about this except to keep pushing ahead until my psyche pushes back ... and then win the battle.
I read most of a small book called "Resistance." It was all about this: whatever is good will be resisted. That it's not about other people or situations or circumstances. If you lived on Mars, you would experience resistance if you tried to do something good, because the resistance is within you! I didn't finish the book because ... I didn't want to! It was discouraging. But, looking the situation in the face has to be a good thing, don't you think? I read in another book, I can't remember which one at the moment, that had a very interesting concept called ... I don't remember! He had a name for it, but basically, what he said as that you only need TWO MINUTES of willpower. That usually you only need to get yourself to change activities and stick to it for two minutes, and then you'll be fine and will settle into the next task, happy to have pushed back for those crucial two minutes. (I wonder if this would work when you need to quit eating Nutella. From the jar. With a spoon!) I think that was the point of the book called "Resistance." That all you needed to do ("all"!) is realize you are experiencing resistance, and keep on going despite it. That resistance is like a wall that you need to break through and then, once you're on the other side, proceeding is far easier. So, recognize it, acknowledge it, and carry on until you break through it.
I'm not going to quit trying to change. I was deeply wounded by a childhood that was-off-the charts traumatic. I was never treated in any way that would promote my growth. All I was there for was to protect my older brothers and my father from my mother's rages. That was it. I had no value in any other way and was not allowed to develop normally. That affects a person. I'm not completely healed and my growth has never caught up to where it should be. This growth is, of course, greatly hampered because I am STILL taking care of my mother and enduring her unique combination of craziness and cruelty. Craziness and cruelty served up with a side of kindness and love! If she were only crazy and cruel, perhaps I might have made different choices. But empathy always caused me to understand and excuse her terrible behavior. But, then there are those times when she is suddenly NORMAL and NICE and DELIGHTFUL and LOVES me! These times are rare, but they are what keep me going. My counselor says to try to understand this way: Somedays I can see my mother, but most days all I can see is her illness. On days when she acts out badly, instead of getting terribly upset about it or angry, just think to myself that I couldn't see my mother today, only her illness. It helps a little.
Tomorrow I hope to find our new home! That will be so wonderful, to finally know! There are three possibilities. I am going out with the realtor during the day to look them over. Then we are meeting up with my husband and the Chairman of the Board for them to look at the houses. This is good, because otherwise my husband would just buy the cheapest of the three! But the Chair will probably be more interested in how the house will represent the college and will factor that in. And I want one of the two that have a POOL soooo bad! I mean, I have HEALTH PROBLEMS, right??? Health problems that would be benefitted by having a pool! Right? :-)
Well, I'm off to try to get to sleep now. In the spirit of yesterday's self-castigation, I should add that I did not make any of the juices for which is bought the vegetables, I did not get a manicure yesterday, I did not work out this morning, and I did not get the water for the aquarium. There. That should do it.
When we get back home, I will consider it to be Round Two of trying to conquer my lowest self. The truculent self. (Isn't that a great word? You don't really get to use it very often!)
So, how are your resolutions coming along? Making some progress? Having some good progress? Remember what they are?? I hope so!
Cheers!
Lisa
Okay, I think I did fairly well today, for me! I read some morning affirmations I found online and, frankly, they just sound stupid to me. But, I used the idea of affirmations as I packed. I kept telling myself, "I make decisions easily and competently!" And, I think it actually helped. I have a terrible time packing. I usually make extremely detailed packing lists, but I decided not to do that this time. The reasons I flip out packing is complicated and have been talked about at length in counseling sessions. Apparently ... I have big "abandonment" issues, so leaving home freaks me out and I feel like I have to pack for every possible contingency, and it scares me. I get upset about leaving my dogs, my home, even my garden! I'm SOOOOO much better than I used to be, but it's still not easy.
I have to make lists for everything. Like right now I am in our hotel room. We just finished watching "The Biggest Loser'" and, I swear I feel like I need to make a list for what to do the rest of the evening! I'm so used now to using lists to control myself and keep myself moving. Since I "lose time"so easily, they really help. But I'm going to refuse to make a list tonight for just getting ready for bed!
Watching the show tonight, something David said really resonated with me. He said, "If you fix what's wrong here (indicating his head), amazing things can happen." See, I have this vision of me living in New York being easily the person I want to be. Getting up early, walking, exercising, writing, being self-disciplined. Cooking wonderful meals, friends over, having a glass of wine in the evening, going yo sleep easily, not being constantly bone weary. Dressed chic and stylishly and weighing thirty pounds less! It's all got a very rosy glow to it. But the truth is that I'm going to be just as willful in New York as I am here! I'm going to "rebel" against myself! I'm going to want to sleep in, stay up late, eat badly, not exercise, and FOR SURE not write!! I'm going to fight in New York the same battles I fight with myself here. There will be no magical change that goes along with a change in latitude and longitude! I'm not going to wake up and suddenly be my best self each and every day. I'm not going to suddenly not have insomnia, dysautonomia, chronic idiopathic angioedema, mountains of food allergies, and a connective tissue disorder! I'm not going to suddenly fall in love with apples and hate eating sugar and chocolate! (Like that's even going to happen!). I'm not going to quit wanting to be really full after I eat. I grew up hungry because of being neglected so many years of my life, and the after-effects of those years aren't going to just up and disappear.
So what exactly is it that I need to be doing now before I move to make that vision of myself a reality? Well, as David said, I need to fix what is "here," in my heart and mind and soul. Part of how this happens, I think, is by challenging myself hard, over and over. Find the Road blocks I have set up and mow them down. Bowl them over. Put them to bed. Whatever is the best analogy!
That's what was going on yesterday. I have been challenging myself on a lot of different levels and yesterday I had just had it. I was tired and disgruntled and kind of fed up and just DONE with all this change I'm trying to create. But, I don't know any other way to go about this except to keep pushing ahead until my psyche pushes back ... and then win the battle.
I read most of a small book called "Resistance." It was all about this: whatever is good will be resisted. That it's not about other people or situations or circumstances. If you lived on Mars, you would experience resistance if you tried to do something good, because the resistance is within you! I didn't finish the book because ... I didn't want to! It was discouraging. But, looking the situation in the face has to be a good thing, don't you think? I read in another book, I can't remember which one at the moment, that had a very interesting concept called ... I don't remember! He had a name for it, but basically, what he said as that you only need TWO MINUTES of willpower. That usually you only need to get yourself to change activities and stick to it for two minutes, and then you'll be fine and will settle into the next task, happy to have pushed back for those crucial two minutes. (I wonder if this would work when you need to quit eating Nutella. From the jar. With a spoon!) I think that was the point of the book called "Resistance." That all you needed to do ("all"!) is realize you are experiencing resistance, and keep on going despite it. That resistance is like a wall that you need to break through and then, once you're on the other side, proceeding is far easier. So, recognize it, acknowledge it, and carry on until you break through it.
I'm not going to quit trying to change. I was deeply wounded by a childhood that was-off-the charts traumatic. I was never treated in any way that would promote my growth. All I was there for was to protect my older brothers and my father from my mother's rages. That was it. I had no value in any other way and was not allowed to develop normally. That affects a person. I'm not completely healed and my growth has never caught up to where it should be. This growth is, of course, greatly hampered because I am STILL taking care of my mother and enduring her unique combination of craziness and cruelty. Craziness and cruelty served up with a side of kindness and love! If she were only crazy and cruel, perhaps I might have made different choices. But empathy always caused me to understand and excuse her terrible behavior. But, then there are those times when she is suddenly NORMAL and NICE and DELIGHTFUL and LOVES me! These times are rare, but they are what keep me going. My counselor says to try to understand this way: Somedays I can see my mother, but most days all I can see is her illness. On days when she acts out badly, instead of getting terribly upset about it or angry, just think to myself that I couldn't see my mother today, only her illness. It helps a little.
Tomorrow I hope to find our new home! That will be so wonderful, to finally know! There are three possibilities. I am going out with the realtor during the day to look them over. Then we are meeting up with my husband and the Chairman of the Board for them to look at the houses. This is good, because otherwise my husband would just buy the cheapest of the three! But the Chair will probably be more interested in how the house will represent the college and will factor that in. And I want one of the two that have a POOL soooo bad! I mean, I have HEALTH PROBLEMS, right??? Health problems that would be benefitted by having a pool! Right? :-)
Well, I'm off to try to get to sleep now. In the spirit of yesterday's self-castigation, I should add that I did not make any of the juices for which is bought the vegetables, I did not get a manicure yesterday, I did not work out this morning, and I did not get the water for the aquarium. There. That should do it.
When we get back home, I will consider it to be Round Two of trying to conquer my lowest self. The truculent self. (Isn't that a great word? You don't really get to use it very often!)
So, how are your resolutions coming along? Making some progress? Having some good progress? Remember what they are?? I hope so!
Cheers!
Lisa
Monday, January 27, 2014
Day 109 - Crummy Day!
Dear Reader,
Well, I can assure you that I was NOT my "best self" today. Not by a long shot! I was my disgruntled, truculent, general-bad-mood self. I'm pretty sure I know why. One is that I leave for our trip t New York in the morning, and traveling is very stressful for me, being an extremely high-maintenance sort of person. But today I wanted to just put my head in the sand and act like it wasn't happening! I have done nothing to get ready at all. I have, instead, used the skill at which I most excel ... WASTING TIME! There is no one who can waste time like me! Just so you understand, let me explain that I spent an HOUR late last night trying to find PURPLE INDEX CARDS online! There is an image of them on google images, but they are impossible to find! I even wasted time on it today! And this evening! All I want are some nice, pretty index cards, but that is apparently too much to ask. The are pretty recipe cards out there, but no index cards. I use index cards a lot to keep hold of Bible verses I come across that fit in with a line of thought I have going, or something I want to write about or teach about. I finally found some cute ones made by Mead that have a black and white border pattern and a black and white swirl pattern. But I do not joke when I say I probably used up three hours on this between last night and today. That's just ridiculous and I'm really embarrassed by it and trying to figure out why in the world I did that. I mean, I know I'm a little obsessive-compulsive, but this was a bit extreme.
But before I begin my self-castignation, let me think back to what I did right today. I did make my chai last night so it would be ready this morning. I did bring up a Luna bar to eat so that I could exercise first thing. I did exercise, quite a lot, this morning. I had a prayer time and read my Bible. I ate a healthy lunch, altogether I did eat too many potato chips. And I made some important phone calls, which I did not want to do.
But now, since I avoided the hard thing of getting ready for the trip, I have to get up quite early (for me) tomorrow to get packed. My husband says I may be asked to come to the Board Meeting, in high case I would need to look professional. But I hope that is not the case because I'm supposed to be looking at houses during the day.
Back, now, to self-castignation. I was also un-disciplined today reading a novel. I accidentally read the last in a series, and this was the book that came before it. I love the characters and some really bad things happen to them In this book. So I just kept reading! I needed to go buy water for my fish tank really badly, but now I'm just going to have to see if I can squeeze it in tomorrow morning, or coerce my daughter into doing it while I'm gone. Which won't happen, so it just leaves my fish and coral in a tank with too high of a salt concentration which is bad for them.
I also did not do a single thing towards finishing putting away all the Christmas decorations. And you know why? Because I didn't want to! But I was mad at myself for not wanting to. And then I was mad at myself for letting my not-wanting-to win over self-discipline.
Oh, and, let's not forget that I was mad at myself because I ate three Glutino cookies at lunch and too many of those potato chips.
AND I was mad because the jeans I put on today were too tight! I found exactly where the extra five pounds are! Right around my waist and behind the zipper of my pants! So what in the world will I wear while we're gone?
I spent a lot of time being mad at myself today!
Oh, here's a fun fact. Talbots sat on my order for four days before they shipped it, so, even though I ordered it a week and a half ago, it still has not gotten in. I have good clothes, but I don't really have something that comes together as a professional winter suit and I was counting on a jacket in this order to work with a skirt I have to make a nice winter suit. AND I ordered a good quality, long, winter coat on a half-price sale, so it's not hear either! So, I get to decide between wearing my bigmouth puffy, Eddie Bauer down coat, or just freezing in the cold weather! It's actually colder here than it will be there, but I could still really use that coat!
I didn't like working out first thing this morning. I didn't feel well before, during, or after it. Since the five pounds are still on, I think I will need to get back to the Y. I don't mind doing the elliptical, unless I'm having a bad day, that is. Swimming would be better, but I hate getting in the water when it's cold! (I told you that it would be easier to be my usual complaining, whiney self today ... and I think I really came through on that!!)
I did call the dentist and rescheduled that appointment. They were nice about it, but it turns out they were planning on doing some massive sort of cleaning that involves being anesthetized!! No one told me about that, and I can't possibly risk having a severe reaction in a dentist's office for a cleaning! So I explained this and it will be just a regular cleaning when I go back in.
I talked to my cardiologist's assistant about setting up a visit, but the doctor doesn't have an opening until 9 days before we move, so that's not going to work. She's going to talk to the doctor to see if she can get me in earlier.
My doctor won't be in until Wednesday, so I still don't know what my calcium levels are. So that gets to wait on the back burner as well.
I talked to the man in New York who owns one of the houses we are interested in and set up a time to come and see it on Wednesday. It is my least favorite of the three houses, it will only allow for maybe four parked cars, and it looks like the living spaces are quite small. All of this will rule out the big parties we like to give. It also has the smallest kitchen which is right out in with the living area, which really won't work with having caterers preparing meals. So, I'm looking forward to getting this settled!
Tomorrow, my goal will be to make decisions quickly and pack quickly, go get the aquarium water, and be a patient, cheerful, non-whiney and non-complaining traveling companion! Think I can pull it off? Well, hang on to your seats until I post my next news in the life and training of Lisa McNichols!
Cheers!
Well, I can assure you that I was NOT my "best self" today. Not by a long shot! I was my disgruntled, truculent, general-bad-mood self. I'm pretty sure I know why. One is that I leave for our trip t New York in the morning, and traveling is very stressful for me, being an extremely high-maintenance sort of person. But today I wanted to just put my head in the sand and act like it wasn't happening! I have done nothing to get ready at all. I have, instead, used the skill at which I most excel ... WASTING TIME! There is no one who can waste time like me! Just so you understand, let me explain that I spent an HOUR late last night trying to find PURPLE INDEX CARDS online! There is an image of them on google images, but they are impossible to find! I even wasted time on it today! And this evening! All I want are some nice, pretty index cards, but that is apparently too much to ask. The are pretty recipe cards out there, but no index cards. I use index cards a lot to keep hold of Bible verses I come across that fit in with a line of thought I have going, or something I want to write about or teach about. I finally found some cute ones made by Mead that have a black and white border pattern and a black and white swirl pattern. But I do not joke when I say I probably used up three hours on this between last night and today. That's just ridiculous and I'm really embarrassed by it and trying to figure out why in the world I did that. I mean, I know I'm a little obsessive-compulsive, but this was a bit extreme.
But before I begin my self-castignation, let me think back to what I did right today. I did make my chai last night so it would be ready this morning. I did bring up a Luna bar to eat so that I could exercise first thing. I did exercise, quite a lot, this morning. I had a prayer time and read my Bible. I ate a healthy lunch, altogether I did eat too many potato chips. And I made some important phone calls, which I did not want to do.
But now, since I avoided the hard thing of getting ready for the trip, I have to get up quite early (for me) tomorrow to get packed. My husband says I may be asked to come to the Board Meeting, in high case I would need to look professional. But I hope that is not the case because I'm supposed to be looking at houses during the day.
Back, now, to self-castignation. I was also un-disciplined today reading a novel. I accidentally read the last in a series, and this was the book that came before it. I love the characters and some really bad things happen to them In this book. So I just kept reading! I needed to go buy water for my fish tank really badly, but now I'm just going to have to see if I can squeeze it in tomorrow morning, or coerce my daughter into doing it while I'm gone. Which won't happen, so it just leaves my fish and coral in a tank with too high of a salt concentration which is bad for them.
I also did not do a single thing towards finishing putting away all the Christmas decorations. And you know why? Because I didn't want to! But I was mad at myself for not wanting to. And then I was mad at myself for letting my not-wanting-to win over self-discipline.
Oh, and, let's not forget that I was mad at myself because I ate three Glutino cookies at lunch and too many of those potato chips.
AND I was mad because the jeans I put on today were too tight! I found exactly where the extra five pounds are! Right around my waist and behind the zipper of my pants! So what in the world will I wear while we're gone?
I spent a lot of time being mad at myself today!
Oh, here's a fun fact. Talbots sat on my order for four days before they shipped it, so, even though I ordered it a week and a half ago, it still has not gotten in. I have good clothes, but I don't really have something that comes together as a professional winter suit and I was counting on a jacket in this order to work with a skirt I have to make a nice winter suit. AND I ordered a good quality, long, winter coat on a half-price sale, so it's not hear either! So, I get to decide between wearing my bigmouth puffy, Eddie Bauer down coat, or just freezing in the cold weather! It's actually colder here than it will be there, but I could still really use that coat!
I didn't like working out first thing this morning. I didn't feel well before, during, or after it. Since the five pounds are still on, I think I will need to get back to the Y. I don't mind doing the elliptical, unless I'm having a bad day, that is. Swimming would be better, but I hate getting in the water when it's cold! (I told you that it would be easier to be my usual complaining, whiney self today ... and I think I really came through on that!!)
I did call the dentist and rescheduled that appointment. They were nice about it, but it turns out they were planning on doing some massive sort of cleaning that involves being anesthetized!! No one told me about that, and I can't possibly risk having a severe reaction in a dentist's office for a cleaning! So I explained this and it will be just a regular cleaning when I go back in.
I talked to my cardiologist's assistant about setting up a visit, but the doctor doesn't have an opening until 9 days before we move, so that's not going to work. She's going to talk to the doctor to see if she can get me in earlier.
My doctor won't be in until Wednesday, so I still don't know what my calcium levels are. So that gets to wait on the back burner as well.
I talked to the man in New York who owns one of the houses we are interested in and set up a time to come and see it on Wednesday. It is my least favorite of the three houses, it will only allow for maybe four parked cars, and it looks like the living spaces are quite small. All of this will rule out the big parties we like to give. It also has the smallest kitchen which is right out in with the living area, which really won't work with having caterers preparing meals. So, I'm looking forward to getting this settled!
Tomorrow, my goal will be to make decisions quickly and pack quickly, go get the aquarium water, and be a patient, cheerful, non-whiney and non-complaining traveling companion! Think I can pull it off? Well, hang on to your seats until I post my next news in the life and training of Lisa McNichols!
Cheers!
Sunday, January 26, 2014
Day 110 - the System is Back Down!
Dear Reader,
well, I might as well admit it. The system has chugged it's way back to a grinding stop. But, I'm going to put a positive spin on this. Usually, when I start exercising again, I injure myself. But I have not injured myself. I'm still very washed out, but am not horribly fatigued. The main symptoms, if this was a virus, are over, so I'm likely on my way to getting better and hopefully will feel fine when we leave for New York Tuesday. I also have not had a major crash-and-burn experience from the dysautonomia like I usually do when I start exercising. That usually throws me off for three or four days, but I don't think that's what is going on here. Right now I think I've had a mild virus; there are plenty of them going around. So I am not going to let myself be discouraged. This is just part of my general poor health: I have come down with a virus. I'll let my body recover and keep moving.
I gave in and ate cheese last night! I tried, again, to go to sleep without a Xanax; despite the fact that it didn't work earlier in the week and despite the fact that I decided NOT to try to do this anymore! So, while I'm at it, let me tell myself loud and clear one more time: I will not try to go to sleep without Xanax again until sometime after we have moved!
I finally did take one, and then decided I was a little hungry and didn't want to eat the banana I brought upstairs. So I tried some potato chips, hoping the salt would stop the desire for cheese. Didn't work! So I heated up three corn tortillas and put refried beans on them with jalapeños and hoped that would do the trick, but it didn't. So I finally took out a knife and hacked a chunk of cheese off that wheel and ate it standing right there. It was delicious!! I cut off another piece and ate it, then I cut off some more and melted it on a corn tortilla. What a thing of beauty! I put a bunch of jalapeños on it and rolled it up and ate it. Delicious! So, that was enough cheese for me, and I went back to bed and was able to go to sleep. I hadn't had cheese for about nine months, so I had no antibodies in my blood and got away with eating it without a reaction. I'm thankful for that! No more cheese for me again, now.
I didn't let me myself sleep real late, even though I decided not to go to church. So I've had roughly seven hours of sleep which, while I'm still very tired, should be enough to get me through the day.
I found a good wakeup guided meditation. I think the last time I said this, I gave the wrong website. So many of the people doing this have really unpleasant voices! I tried a different one this morning, but she was reading a script and put a period at the end of almost every word! Then I tried another one, but it was a little too Buddhist for me. So I went back to one I listened to before, and really liked it. She sounds Indian and speaks with a lovely voice. She emphasizes that this is a new day and is a gift to be appreciated and to be thankful for, and that it is another day to decide who you want to be, and to try to live it as your best self. If you want to try it, it is at http://m.youtube.com/watch?v=WYP_W49o1vQ
Well, I wrote a lot more earlier today about, you know, other "stuff", but lost it somehow or other. I'm sure it was all very important and losing it is a devastating loss to humanity! :-)
I've been looking for more floor exercises and have come across some good sites. One is called, "Get Fit, Not Injured: Fitness for All-- the Fit, the Fat, and the Fallen!" Isn't that perfect? I just revised my exercise routine and included many of the exercises I have found. It turns into about a 45-minutes workout, and I feel like I got all of my muscles very well. I also found a sit about the one hundred moves of pillars that looks interesting.
Tomorrow I get to call the dentist and apologize profusely for missing my appointment and set another one. I also need to call the cardiologist to get an appointment set with her. And call my local doctor to find out if my blood calcium levels are still high and get an appointment with an endocrinologist. If I need surgery, I want to have it ASAP since I will apparently start feeling a lot better. I also have to get a manicure so my nails will look okay to meet the Board of Directors.
Oh, I should explain something. I've shared about how I'm trying to help my housekeeper present herself better. I realized that some may take offense at me teaching her how to apply a natural-face makeup. The reason I did that is because I'm trying to teach her about consistency. Sometimes she comes in with her hair cute and some makeup on and in a happy mood and raring to get at the house. Other times she looks like she just barely rolled out of bed, has no energy, and gets almost nothing done. She slumps, let's her hair fall in her face, and, in general, acts like a morose teenager. So I talked to her about finding one look that she can maintain consistently, every day. I also advised her to find a cheerful attitude that she can exhibit every day. My point with her is that she has to present herself as a competent professional each and every day, not just when she's in a good mood. There is so much I have to tach her before I leave! She doesn't take notice of thngs. Last week I left a dirty cup with a spoon on it on a small desk in the hallway, and she never noticed it. After four days, I brought it to her attention, and she was astonished that she had not noticed it. In my son's room there are dead bugs all over the floor by an A/C window unit. I don't think she is even going into his room. I have had much better housekeepers in the past; but she has by far the best personality and is the easiest to be around.
My clothes for New York have not gotten in. I've tried tracking them, but it just says the information is not available. I'm going to need to pick out clothes from my closet for the trip. The only problem is that I have no idea what I will be doing. I have a perfect black dress, pumps, purse, and jewelry if we have an evening dinner. But I don't really have anything if I need to look professional. I bought a pretty tweed suit in December, but I worry how it will look with these additional pounds. I'm not even sure if the skirt will fit! I have a nice, casual outfit I can use looking at houses during the day with a realtor, so that should be ok. Maybe the package will get in tomorrow, though!
I've been wanting to get back to juicing, so I picked up some fresh vegetables today at the store. Tomorrow I plan on making the parsnip, green pepper, and watercress juice. Ugh! If I weren't a big believer in fresh juices (I used to juice all the time) I wouldn't do it.
Well, I'm off to bed. I hope to live tomorrow as my best self, but that's soooo hard! I'd much rather live it as my whiney, complaining, stalling, and wasting time self! That would be so much easier!
Cheers!
Lisa
well, I might as well admit it. The system has chugged it's way back to a grinding stop. But, I'm going to put a positive spin on this. Usually, when I start exercising again, I injure myself. But I have not injured myself. I'm still very washed out, but am not horribly fatigued. The main symptoms, if this was a virus, are over, so I'm likely on my way to getting better and hopefully will feel fine when we leave for New York Tuesday. I also have not had a major crash-and-burn experience from the dysautonomia like I usually do when I start exercising. That usually throws me off for three or four days, but I don't think that's what is going on here. Right now I think I've had a mild virus; there are plenty of them going around. So I am not going to let myself be discouraged. This is just part of my general poor health: I have come down with a virus. I'll let my body recover and keep moving.
I gave in and ate cheese last night! I tried, again, to go to sleep without a Xanax; despite the fact that it didn't work earlier in the week and despite the fact that I decided NOT to try to do this anymore! So, while I'm at it, let me tell myself loud and clear one more time: I will not try to go to sleep without Xanax again until sometime after we have moved!
I finally did take one, and then decided I was a little hungry and didn't want to eat the banana I brought upstairs. So I tried some potato chips, hoping the salt would stop the desire for cheese. Didn't work! So I heated up three corn tortillas and put refried beans on them with jalapeños and hoped that would do the trick, but it didn't. So I finally took out a knife and hacked a chunk of cheese off that wheel and ate it standing right there. It was delicious!! I cut off another piece and ate it, then I cut off some more and melted it on a corn tortilla. What a thing of beauty! I put a bunch of jalapeños on it and rolled it up and ate it. Delicious! So, that was enough cheese for me, and I went back to bed and was able to go to sleep. I hadn't had cheese for about nine months, so I had no antibodies in my blood and got away with eating it without a reaction. I'm thankful for that! No more cheese for me again, now.
I didn't let me myself sleep real late, even though I decided not to go to church. So I've had roughly seven hours of sleep which, while I'm still very tired, should be enough to get me through the day.
I found a good wakeup guided meditation. I think the last time I said this, I gave the wrong website. So many of the people doing this have really unpleasant voices! I tried a different one this morning, but she was reading a script and put a period at the end of almost every word! Then I tried another one, but it was a little too Buddhist for me. So I went back to one I listened to before, and really liked it. She sounds Indian and speaks with a lovely voice. She emphasizes that this is a new day and is a gift to be appreciated and to be thankful for, and that it is another day to decide who you want to be, and to try to live it as your best self. If you want to try it, it is at http://m.youtube.com/watch?v=WYP_W49o1vQ
Well, I wrote a lot more earlier today about, you know, other "stuff", but lost it somehow or other. I'm sure it was all very important and losing it is a devastating loss to humanity! :-)
I've been looking for more floor exercises and have come across some good sites. One is called, "Get Fit, Not Injured: Fitness for All-- the Fit, the Fat, and the Fallen!" Isn't that perfect? I just revised my exercise routine and included many of the exercises I have found. It turns into about a 45-minutes workout, and I feel like I got all of my muscles very well. I also found a sit about the one hundred moves of pillars that looks interesting.
Tomorrow I get to call the dentist and apologize profusely for missing my appointment and set another one. I also need to call the cardiologist to get an appointment set with her. And call my local doctor to find out if my blood calcium levels are still high and get an appointment with an endocrinologist. If I need surgery, I want to have it ASAP since I will apparently start feeling a lot better. I also have to get a manicure so my nails will look okay to meet the Board of Directors.
Oh, I should explain something. I've shared about how I'm trying to help my housekeeper present herself better. I realized that some may take offense at me teaching her how to apply a natural-face makeup. The reason I did that is because I'm trying to teach her about consistency. Sometimes she comes in with her hair cute and some makeup on and in a happy mood and raring to get at the house. Other times she looks like she just barely rolled out of bed, has no energy, and gets almost nothing done. She slumps, let's her hair fall in her face, and, in general, acts like a morose teenager. So I talked to her about finding one look that she can maintain consistently, every day. I also advised her to find a cheerful attitude that she can exhibit every day. My point with her is that she has to present herself as a competent professional each and every day, not just when she's in a good mood. There is so much I have to tach her before I leave! She doesn't take notice of thngs. Last week I left a dirty cup with a spoon on it on a small desk in the hallway, and she never noticed it. After four days, I brought it to her attention, and she was astonished that she had not noticed it. In my son's room there are dead bugs all over the floor by an A/C window unit. I don't think she is even going into his room. I have had much better housekeepers in the past; but she has by far the best personality and is the easiest to be around.
My clothes for New York have not gotten in. I've tried tracking them, but it just says the information is not available. I'm going to need to pick out clothes from my closet for the trip. The only problem is that I have no idea what I will be doing. I have a perfect black dress, pumps, purse, and jewelry if we have an evening dinner. But I don't really have anything if I need to look professional. I bought a pretty tweed suit in December, but I worry how it will look with these additional pounds. I'm not even sure if the skirt will fit! I have a nice, casual outfit I can use looking at houses during the day with a realtor, so that should be ok. Maybe the package will get in tomorrow, though!
I've been wanting to get back to juicing, so I picked up some fresh vegetables today at the store. Tomorrow I plan on making the parsnip, green pepper, and watercress juice. Ugh! If I weren't a big believer in fresh juices (I used to juice all the time) I wouldn't do it.
Well, I'm off to bed. I hope to live tomorrow as my best self, but that's soooo hard! I'd much rather live it as my whiney, complaining, stalling, and wasting time self! That would be so much easier!
Cheers!
Lisa
Saturday, January 25, 2014
Day 111 - Sick Again?
Dear Reader,
I'm not sure what's wrong, but I feel really bad. With me, I'm never sure what's going on. I was sick yesterday, and then slept till almost noon today. We went to our favorite bakery for lunch and then I ran some errands. When I got home, we went to see our women's basketball game, which we won finally. But in the second half my husband looked at me and saw that I looked really bad and sent me home.
I went to bed and slept for a while. Woke up, but did not feel well enough to go to the men's game. It's a weird feeling. Just ... bad. And exhausted. And kind f sick at my stomach, but not markedly so. I think the most likely explanation is that I came down with a virus yesterday and am better today, but still not well.
As far as progress on my goals goes, not a single bit today.
I did go see my mother because I was pretty sure she'd be hostile if I just called her. She was in a pleasant mood and we had a good visit for an hour. She said something about getting really "crotchety" and hoping that we could be patient with her, and then mentioned that she didn't want to take any medicines. If she was only crotchety, it wouldn't be a bit deal, but she goes far beyond that.
Oh, I forgot to mention that I dared to weigh yesterday. My high weight used to be 185. This is the weight at which I knew I had to cut back, and then could usually bring it down to 180-182. But it was 189.5 today, which is discouraging.
I want cheese so badly right now. We have part of a big wheel of cheddar in the refrigerator and I just want to go down and slice off a hunk so bad right now! Maybe just a few potato chips would help? But they're downstairs and I feel too weak and tired to make the effort!
So, a disappointing self-evaluation today. But tomorrow is a new one. I hope we will both have a good one!
Cheers!
Lisa
I'm not sure what's wrong, but I feel really bad. With me, I'm never sure what's going on. I was sick yesterday, and then slept till almost noon today. We went to our favorite bakery for lunch and then I ran some errands. When I got home, we went to see our women's basketball game, which we won finally. But in the second half my husband looked at me and saw that I looked really bad and sent me home.
I went to bed and slept for a while. Woke up, but did not feel well enough to go to the men's game. It's a weird feeling. Just ... bad. And exhausted. And kind f sick at my stomach, but not markedly so. I think the most likely explanation is that I came down with a virus yesterday and am better today, but still not well.
As far as progress on my goals goes, not a single bit today.
I did go see my mother because I was pretty sure she'd be hostile if I just called her. She was in a pleasant mood and we had a good visit for an hour. She said something about getting really "crotchety" and hoping that we could be patient with her, and then mentioned that she didn't want to take any medicines. If she was only crotchety, it wouldn't be a bit deal, but she goes far beyond that.
Oh, I forgot to mention that I dared to weigh yesterday. My high weight used to be 185. This is the weight at which I knew I had to cut back, and then could usually bring it down to 180-182. But it was 189.5 today, which is discouraging.
I want cheese so badly right now. We have part of a big wheel of cheddar in the refrigerator and I just want to go down and slice off a hunk so bad right now! Maybe just a few potato chips would help? But they're downstairs and I feel too weak and tired to make the effort!
So, a disappointing self-evaluation today. But tomorrow is a new one. I hope we will both have a good one!
Cheers!
Lisa
Friday, January 24, 2014
Day 112 - Two steps forward, one-and-a-half steps back!
Dear Reader,
No wonder I'm tired. I just saw that it's after midnight. So this will, probably, be short.
I have had 404 page views which I find astonishing. How is anyone finding this? I did a search on rebooting your life and went through several search pages with no hint of this blog of mine. I did, however, find a LOT of people willing to tell you HOW to reboot YOUR life. I thought that was funny, seeing as how it is the complete opposite of what I am writing about! I have no idea how to reboot my own life, much less anyone else's! Instead, this blog lets you watch as I muddle around, trying to figure this out. No "how-tos" here!
I've been thinking about this parathyroid tumor thing. If I have that, then that is extremely important to know. And if I have that, then that could be the thread to pull to unravel the whole bundled ball of twine. And without knowing it, there would be no way for me to improve my health no matter how hard I tried. I put in a call to my doctor and was told that my lab results had just gotten in and he has not seen them yet. So I do hope to know next week. Except I'm going to New York next week for three days, Tuesday, Wednesday, and Thursday; and he doesn't come into the office on Fridays. Hmmm. Well, we'll see.
I did two things today that I've been putting off forever. I had a bone density test done two years ago, but never heard back from the doctor. It was done at a large research hospital out of town, and I never wanted to deal with all the rigamarole you have to go through before you can actually talk to someone. But I did it today in light of this calcium test. It turns out that the hormones the tumors produce somehow actually pull calcium out of your bones! They cause osteoporosis! Well, the test was normal, but I'm supposed to have it redone every two years anyway, they said.
Then, I called my cardiologist, also at this research hospital, to make an appointment. It's been more than a year since I've seen her. She's not only great, but she focuses on women's heart health, which is different from men's.
So, good progress, huh? Until you know that I missed a dentist appointment! I had an appointment back last May. But getting the X-rays took so long that I had to leave before getting my teeth cleaned. Then I traveled a lot that summer, and then the fall semester started, and then Christmas. So I finally made the appointment and missed it!
There is not even a good excuse for missing. I did not look at my calendar last night, and so completely forgot about it. I'm going to be so embarrassed Monday when I call in. They sent me so many reminders and then I forgot! Maybe I'll just get a different dentist!?
Today started off okay, but I drank coffee instead of my usual chai soy-latte, and my stomached apparently can't handle coffee anymore. I was still okay until I took my supplements and squirted a dropper-full of rehmannia into my mouth instead of dissolving it in water. I've done this before, but today it made me incredibly ill! Oh, gosh, I was sick! Still am a little. I was kind of sick last night so I suppose it's possible I've got a stomach bug. If I HAD remembered my appointment, I would have had to cancel it anyway.
I had to lay down for quite a while as I dealt with the fireworks in my stomach, and so I didn't get a lot done today. I did get the protein skimmer on my saltwater aquarium cleaned out last night (by skipping a men's basketball game) and I replaced the filters and cleaned out the carbon filters and filled them with fresh carbon today. The water should be crystal clear by tomorrow.
I was feeling somewhat better later in the afternoon, so we went out on our usual Friday night date. I had a perfect dinner of mahi mahi on a bed of rice and a side of broccoli. Unfortunately, our good dinner was followed by an awful movie. We went to see August: Osage County with Meryl Streep and Julia Roberts. Though I suppose both leads did admirably, the movie was just awful. Selfish, self-centered, cruel people, all wrapped up and tangled together by an old sin that now reaches out and ruins the lives go the next generation. It's just pure Southern Gothic at its finest/worst!the only surprise is that it's set in Oklahoma in areas of Mississippi! There's a tiny element of redemption at the end for Julia Roberts character, but not enough to sit through two hours of drama and screaming. Especially when the writing is not very good and the plot is trite and formulaic.
The one good thing about the movie is that it spoke to me somewhat regarding my mother. "Barbara", Julia's character realizes at the end how truly awful her mother is and kisses her goodbye and leaves. The one care-taking sister has let them know that she is leaving the next morning for none other than New York (!) and that the other two sisters who moved away cannot point fingers at her, she's done! She's found a man and they are leaving and the other two can figure out what to do about their mother. The middle sister leaves after an altercation during the night, which leaves Barbara alone to take care of her mother who, besides being butter, heartless, and cruel; also has cancer and is addicted to prescription pills. The movie isn't terribly clear here about what the transformation is in Barbara. Perhaps it is that she finally sees the truth about her mother and decides that this is not going to be her future. And so the movie ends with her getting in her car and driving away while her mother screams for her to come back. That's kind of what I am finally doing, isn't it? Deciding that I've done my time and my life has been sacrificed long enough and my two older brothers can figure out what to do about mom, but I'm done! AND ... I'm moving to New York! Interesting.
"The Phantom of the Opera" plays a role in the movie. I think the connection is that the woman in the musical ( who I can't stand because she is so foolish and weak and gullible!) thinks that this man, her "Angel of the Music" is an idyllic person and will be a wondrous lover. But then she Alize's that he is in fact a monster who is kidnapping her away from the man who loves here, but she has rejected up until now because she is smitten by the a Phantom. So, has Barbara had a false image of her mother as the victim and now she suddenly sees that her mother is anything but? And that she is the one in danger of being carried away into her mother's life and a frightful future? Hmmmm. Sounds a lot like me! But at least my drama isn't quite so melodramatic! I can only hope!
Well, I see that it is now after 1:00 so I will go on to bed now. I hope you have a great day tomorrow!
Cheers!
Lisa
No wonder I'm tired. I just saw that it's after midnight. So this will, probably, be short.
I have had 404 page views which I find astonishing. How is anyone finding this? I did a search on rebooting your life and went through several search pages with no hint of this blog of mine. I did, however, find a LOT of people willing to tell you HOW to reboot YOUR life. I thought that was funny, seeing as how it is the complete opposite of what I am writing about! I have no idea how to reboot my own life, much less anyone else's! Instead, this blog lets you watch as I muddle around, trying to figure this out. No "how-tos" here!
I've been thinking about this parathyroid tumor thing. If I have that, then that is extremely important to know. And if I have that, then that could be the thread to pull to unravel the whole bundled ball of twine. And without knowing it, there would be no way for me to improve my health no matter how hard I tried. I put in a call to my doctor and was told that my lab results had just gotten in and he has not seen them yet. So I do hope to know next week. Except I'm going to New York next week for three days, Tuesday, Wednesday, and Thursday; and he doesn't come into the office on Fridays. Hmmm. Well, we'll see.
I did two things today that I've been putting off forever. I had a bone density test done two years ago, but never heard back from the doctor. It was done at a large research hospital out of town, and I never wanted to deal with all the rigamarole you have to go through before you can actually talk to someone. But I did it today in light of this calcium test. It turns out that the hormones the tumors produce somehow actually pull calcium out of your bones! They cause osteoporosis! Well, the test was normal, but I'm supposed to have it redone every two years anyway, they said.
Then, I called my cardiologist, also at this research hospital, to make an appointment. It's been more than a year since I've seen her. She's not only great, but she focuses on women's heart health, which is different from men's.
So, good progress, huh? Until you know that I missed a dentist appointment! I had an appointment back last May. But getting the X-rays took so long that I had to leave before getting my teeth cleaned. Then I traveled a lot that summer, and then the fall semester started, and then Christmas. So I finally made the appointment and missed it!
There is not even a good excuse for missing. I did not look at my calendar last night, and so completely forgot about it. I'm going to be so embarrassed Monday when I call in. They sent me so many reminders and then I forgot! Maybe I'll just get a different dentist!?
Today started off okay, but I drank coffee instead of my usual chai soy-latte, and my stomached apparently can't handle coffee anymore. I was still okay until I took my supplements and squirted a dropper-full of rehmannia into my mouth instead of dissolving it in water. I've done this before, but today it made me incredibly ill! Oh, gosh, I was sick! Still am a little. I was kind of sick last night so I suppose it's possible I've got a stomach bug. If I HAD remembered my appointment, I would have had to cancel it anyway.
I had to lay down for quite a while as I dealt with the fireworks in my stomach, and so I didn't get a lot done today. I did get the protein skimmer on my saltwater aquarium cleaned out last night (by skipping a men's basketball game) and I replaced the filters and cleaned out the carbon filters and filled them with fresh carbon today. The water should be crystal clear by tomorrow.
I was feeling somewhat better later in the afternoon, so we went out on our usual Friday night date. I had a perfect dinner of mahi mahi on a bed of rice and a side of broccoli. Unfortunately, our good dinner was followed by an awful movie. We went to see August: Osage County with Meryl Streep and Julia Roberts. Though I suppose both leads did admirably, the movie was just awful. Selfish, self-centered, cruel people, all wrapped up and tangled together by an old sin that now reaches out and ruins the lives go the next generation. It's just pure Southern Gothic at its finest/worst!the only surprise is that it's set in Oklahoma in areas of Mississippi! There's a tiny element of redemption at the end for Julia Roberts character, but not enough to sit through two hours of drama and screaming. Especially when the writing is not very good and the plot is trite and formulaic.
The one good thing about the movie is that it spoke to me somewhat regarding my mother. "Barbara", Julia's character realizes at the end how truly awful her mother is and kisses her goodbye and leaves. The one care-taking sister has let them know that she is leaving the next morning for none other than New York (!) and that the other two sisters who moved away cannot point fingers at her, she's done! She's found a man and they are leaving and the other two can figure out what to do about their mother. The middle sister leaves after an altercation during the night, which leaves Barbara alone to take care of her mother who, besides being butter, heartless, and cruel; also has cancer and is addicted to prescription pills. The movie isn't terribly clear here about what the transformation is in Barbara. Perhaps it is that she finally sees the truth about her mother and decides that this is not going to be her future. And so the movie ends with her getting in her car and driving away while her mother screams for her to come back. That's kind of what I am finally doing, isn't it? Deciding that I've done my time and my life has been sacrificed long enough and my two older brothers can figure out what to do about mom, but I'm done! AND ... I'm moving to New York! Interesting.
"The Phantom of the Opera" plays a role in the movie. I think the connection is that the woman in the musical ( who I can't stand because she is so foolish and weak and gullible!) thinks that this man, her "Angel of the Music" is an idyllic person and will be a wondrous lover. But then she Alize's that he is in fact a monster who is kidnapping her away from the man who loves here, but she has rejected up until now because she is smitten by the a Phantom. So, has Barbara had a false image of her mother as the victim and now she suddenly sees that her mother is anything but? And that she is the one in danger of being carried away into her mother's life and a frightful future? Hmmmm. Sounds a lot like me! But at least my drama isn't quite so melodramatic! I can only hope!
Well, I see that it is now after 1:00 so I will go on to bed now. I hope you have a great day tomorrow!
Cheers!
Lisa
Thursday, January 23, 2014
Day 113 - I May Need Surgery ... Again!
Dear Reader,
I have some disappointing, but not disheartening news. I saw my doctor earlier this week and learned that the calcium level in my blood is elevated. He's redoing the test to confirm the results, but I don't know what those results are, yet. But tonight, I finally looked it up online and learned that it is almost 100% certain that I have tumors on my parathyroid glands. These tumors are virtually always benign, but they put out hormones that are very bad for you, so you have to have them removed. I watched a video of surgeons removing two tumors from a man, and it only took 13 minutes. Because it's so fast, you don't have to have to be deeply anesthetized, and they use something like what you are given for a colonoscopy.
Here are the issues:
1) I'm allergic to anesthesia, but I have had a colonoscopy with no problem
2) I'm allergic to suture threads and, the last time I had surgery, every single stitch abcessed, inside and outside and my incisions tore open in several places
3) I already have one scar on the back of my neck, about to inches long from removing a tumor. This will give me about the same length of a scar on the front of my neck!
The good news, though, is that people apparently start feeling so much better once the tumors are removed. And that I could go for!
These are the symptoms of parathyroid tumors that I found at www.parathyroid.com
That fits me to a "T"! I have the thinning hair, exactly as described. I don't have kidney stones or recurrent headaches, palpitations or fibrillations. I'll have to check to see if I have the other two things, but I don't think so.
So, wouldn't that be simply AMAZING if this is what a lot of my health problems are? And wouldn't it be wonderful if these things were resolved before we moved?! What's a little two-inch scar if it can help this much? Apparently, if you don't remove the tumors, they eventually kill you by causing a heart attack or stroke. I presume I'll get the test results next week.
Today was a pretty good day. I did NOT get to bed by 12:00 because I dawdled. Turned my lights out at 1:00. Then today I was so mad at myself for having been irresponsible again, and I was tired today, even more than usual.
I did make a really healthy dinner, a big salad with red peppers, romaine lettuce, green onions, black beans, corn, cilantro, and taco chips. I added a chipotle pepper to French dressing and it was great! One of our favorite meals.
I did a good set of exercises and added in some exercises I found online that you do on the floor. I can do a reverse crunch now, which I couldn't do when I started. Now, I can only do THREE at a time, but that's still improvement!
I woke up mor easily today, but still had an awful time getting out of bed. I didn't really eat properly during the early part of the day. I had one of those Luna bars, because they're not too bad to eat in the morning. And one of those 50 calorie mushed up fruit treats. Then later, I was feeling a little low and ate some potato chips! Not the best choice.
I didn't have a lot of time to work with my housekeeper, but I did spend sometime talking with her about looking professional, and dressing for the job she wants, not the job she has. I talked to her some about her hair yesterday, and she came to work with her hair in a bun, but a very messy one that you would wear to the gym or doing housework, at your own house. I gave her a makeup lesson. I showed her how to do a 2-minute makeup job, and a 5-minute makeup job. Showed her how to keep things very light and natural. She has almost no experience with makeup. Pushed has brown skin, dark brown hair, and hazel eyes. She just puts on a dark eye shadow on the lids when she wears anything, which isn't at all flattering. She really liked the polished, natural look I showed her. Then I showed her how to put her hair up in a neat bun that looks more professional, and how to secure it so it won't come down while she works. In truth, though, I don't know what job possibilities are for a deaf woman who is 42, does not have a high school degree, and has no skills. I'm helping her to get her GED, but she still has no skills. Hmmmmm... I'm going to have to spend some time thinking more about this.
I think I have almost finished doing the inventory of my Christmas decorations. I spent a lot of time down in the basement ... and did not enjoy it AT ALL! I have three boxes that need to be labeled, at least one box in the basement that needs to be labeled, and maybe two more totes to pack with new things. Slowly and surely is what matters. Except that I also have a time deadline ahead of me!
That is my analysis of how this day went. I would say that it was forward motion. I hope your day went well, also. I am very awareness that I am having to reboot thought patterns as much as behavioral patterns. Ugh. Not easy or fun!
Have a great day tomorrow. I'm turning the lights off at 12:04!
Cheers!
Lisa
I have some disappointing, but not disheartening news. I saw my doctor earlier this week and learned that the calcium level in my blood is elevated. He's redoing the test to confirm the results, but I don't know what those results are, yet. But tonight, I finally looked it up online and learned that it is almost 100% certain that I have tumors on my parathyroid glands. These tumors are virtually always benign, but they put out hormones that are very bad for you, so you have to have them removed. I watched a video of surgeons removing two tumors from a man, and it only took 13 minutes. Because it's so fast, you don't have to have to be deeply anesthetized, and they use something like what you are given for a colonoscopy.
Here are the issues:
1) I'm allergic to anesthesia, but I have had a colonoscopy with no problem
2) I'm allergic to suture threads and, the last time I had surgery, every single stitch abcessed, inside and outside and my incisions tore open in several places
3) I already have one scar on the back of my neck, about to inches long from removing a tumor. This will give me about the same length of a scar on the front of my neck!
The good news, though, is that people apparently start feeling so much better once the tumors are removed. And that I could go for!
These are the symptoms of parathyroid tumors that I found at www.parathyroid.com
 | Loss of energy. Don't feel like doing much. Tired all the time. Chronic fatigue. |
| Just don't feel well; don't quite feel normal. Hard to explain but just feel kind of bad. |
| Feel old. Don't have the interest in things that you used to. |
| Can't concentrate, or can't keep your concentration like in the past. |
| Depression. |
| Osteoporosis and Osteopenia. |
| Bones hurt; typically it's bones in the legs and arms but can be most bones. |
| Don't sleep like you used to. Wake up in middle of night. Trouble getting to sleep. |
| Tired during the day and frequently feel like you want a nap (but naps don't help). |
| Spouse claims you are more irritable and harder to get along with (cranky, bitchy). (blog) |
| Forget simple things that you used to remember very easily (worsening memory). |
| Gastric acid reflux; heartburn; GERD. |
| Decrease in sex drive. (blog) |
| Thinning hair (predominately in middle aged females on the front part of the scalp). |
| Kidney Stones (and eventually kidney failure). (blog) |
| High Blood Pressure (sometimes mild, sometimes quite severe; up and down a lot). |
| Recurrent Headaches (usually patients under the age of 40). |
| Heart Palpitations (arrhythmias). Typically atrial arrhythmias. (blog) |
| Atrial Fibrillation (rapid heart rate, often requiring blood thinners and pacemakers). (blog) |
| High liver function tests (liver blood tests). |
| Development of MGUS and abnormal blood protein levels. |
That fits me to a "T"! I have the thinning hair, exactly as described. I don't have kidney stones or recurrent headaches, palpitations or fibrillations. I'll have to check to see if I have the other two things, but I don't think so.
So, wouldn't that be simply AMAZING if this is what a lot of my health problems are? And wouldn't it be wonderful if these things were resolved before we moved?! What's a little two-inch scar if it can help this much? Apparently, if you don't remove the tumors, they eventually kill you by causing a heart attack or stroke. I presume I'll get the test results next week.
Today was a pretty good day. I did NOT get to bed by 12:00 because I dawdled. Turned my lights out at 1:00. Then today I was so mad at myself for having been irresponsible again, and I was tired today, even more than usual.
I did make a really healthy dinner, a big salad with red peppers, romaine lettuce, green onions, black beans, corn, cilantro, and taco chips. I added a chipotle pepper to French dressing and it was great! One of our favorite meals.
I did a good set of exercises and added in some exercises I found online that you do on the floor. I can do a reverse crunch now, which I couldn't do when I started. Now, I can only do THREE at a time, but that's still improvement!
I woke up mor easily today, but still had an awful time getting out of bed. I didn't really eat properly during the early part of the day. I had one of those Luna bars, because they're not too bad to eat in the morning. And one of those 50 calorie mushed up fruit treats. Then later, I was feeling a little low and ate some potato chips! Not the best choice.
I didn't have a lot of time to work with my housekeeper, but I did spend sometime talking with her about looking professional, and dressing for the job she wants, not the job she has. I talked to her some about her hair yesterday, and she came to work with her hair in a bun, but a very messy one that you would wear to the gym or doing housework, at your own house. I gave her a makeup lesson. I showed her how to do a 2-minute makeup job, and a 5-minute makeup job. Showed her how to keep things very light and natural. She has almost no experience with makeup. Pushed has brown skin, dark brown hair, and hazel eyes. She just puts on a dark eye shadow on the lids when she wears anything, which isn't at all flattering. She really liked the polished, natural look I showed her. Then I showed her how to put her hair up in a neat bun that looks more professional, and how to secure it so it won't come down while she works. In truth, though, I don't know what job possibilities are for a deaf woman who is 42, does not have a high school degree, and has no skills. I'm helping her to get her GED, but she still has no skills. Hmmmmm... I'm going to have to spend some time thinking more about this.
I think I have almost finished doing the inventory of my Christmas decorations. I spent a lot of time down in the basement ... and did not enjoy it AT ALL! I have three boxes that need to be labeled, at least one box in the basement that needs to be labeled, and maybe two more totes to pack with new things. Slowly and surely is what matters. Except that I also have a time deadline ahead of me!
That is my analysis of how this day went. I would say that it was forward motion. I hope your day went well, also. I am very awareness that I am having to reboot thought patterns as much as behavioral patterns. Ugh. Not easy or fun!
Have a great day tomorrow. I'm turning the lights off at 12:04!
Cheers!
Lisa
Wednesday, January 22, 2014
Day 114 - I Did it!
Dear Reader,
well, I am proud to report that I actually did get a massage today! I found that the massage place I was looking at gave one-hour massages for $40! That's a crazy good price! I got a Swedish massage and really enjoyed it. The technician seemed very knowledgeable, but since I've only had two massages before, how would I really know??
I am in bed, as usual, and eating blueberries. So good! I've eaten fairly well today, other than one bad moment when I inhaled six Glutino Oreo-type cookies when I suddenly got tense. That's 300 calories! I knew what I was doing, so I can't claim that I didn't realize it. But I just WANTED sugar! Badly! Right then! But if you were to ask me if I stress eat I'd say nah!
What happened was I came hone from the massage and realized I was not going to have time to exercise and work with my housekeeper. So I was annoyed with myself for not exercising earlier in the day. This is four days in a row that I have not worked out!
My time with my housekeeper went well, though. I talked with her about consistency and professional demeanor. She sometimes comes in happy and with her hair fixed and makeup on and tackles the house with vigor! Other times she crawls in, looking like she just woke up and is upset, and misses a lot of things that needs to be done. So I talked to her about basic cheerfulness on the job, leaving her mood and problems at the door, and coming up with an easy way to do her hair and makeup that she can do every day with no trouble. I showed her how to put her hair in a quick bun and tomorrow will show her how to do a two-minute makeup job. The only problem is that I really don't know how to d her makeup. She has brown skin, brown hair, and brown eyes. She is so own to learning. She didn't really have a mother. Her mother was an alcoholic and the father was a no-show. Her mom was too absorbed in herself and frequently abandoned the two girls for months at a time. Then she'd show up and act like nothing happened, until the next time. Her mother died when her daughter was around 40, and before they had completely reconciled which is just a shame.
I almost weighed today! Alllll-most! My swelling was way down this morning and I almost got my nerve up, but then did something else and then forgot about it! I'm quite swollen at the moment, but perhaps it will go down by tomorrow morning.
My day did not start out on a great note. I didn't have as much problems waking up, but just really wanted to keep sleeping. Then I got a text from my husband's secretary saying that this woman wanted to come do a tv show about our house. Grrrrr! She wanted to do this last year, too, but never even returned my call when I called her back. I didn't want to do it at all, but apparently I "have" to! I have to give a reception in February, so I'll let her come the day after that.
I've never received the magnesium lotion I ordered, but I can't remember with whom I placed the order. (That's right ... I said "with whom"!). I emailed the two companies I think it might have been, but went ahead an ordered a bottle from Amazon so I can get started on it. If you're not taking magnesium, you should read up on it!
Well, that's all for today. My mom is still being really difficult. I had an unpleasant phone conversation with her this evening and learned that people who go to physical therapy are using it to make themselves feel more important than other people. She's never liked people, but now she just despises everyone!
Oh! Lastly, I did listen to a morning meditation today which helped. I tried two others first, but didn't like them. But the third one was quite nice. It was "Wake Up! 10- Minute Guided Morning Meditation at www.aboutmeditation.com.
It's almost 11:30 right now. I'm going to soak in some Epsom salts while I make a tight to-do list for tomorrow. I'm going to hope/try/wish to have my lights out by 12:00! Wish me luck! No, scratch that. Wish me self-discipline!
I hope you are finding your way out of your own morasses! I'm still lost in mine.
Cheers!
Lisa
well, I am proud to report that I actually did get a massage today! I found that the massage place I was looking at gave one-hour massages for $40! That's a crazy good price! I got a Swedish massage and really enjoyed it. The technician seemed very knowledgeable, but since I've only had two massages before, how would I really know??
I am in bed, as usual, and eating blueberries. So good! I've eaten fairly well today, other than one bad moment when I inhaled six Glutino Oreo-type cookies when I suddenly got tense. That's 300 calories! I knew what I was doing, so I can't claim that I didn't realize it. But I just WANTED sugar! Badly! Right then! But if you were to ask me if I stress eat I'd say nah!
What happened was I came hone from the massage and realized I was not going to have time to exercise and work with my housekeeper. So I was annoyed with myself for not exercising earlier in the day. This is four days in a row that I have not worked out!
My time with my housekeeper went well, though. I talked with her about consistency and professional demeanor. She sometimes comes in happy and with her hair fixed and makeup on and tackles the house with vigor! Other times she crawls in, looking like she just woke up and is upset, and misses a lot of things that needs to be done. So I talked to her about basic cheerfulness on the job, leaving her mood and problems at the door, and coming up with an easy way to do her hair and makeup that she can do every day with no trouble. I showed her how to put her hair in a quick bun and tomorrow will show her how to do a two-minute makeup job. The only problem is that I really don't know how to d her makeup. She has brown skin, brown hair, and brown eyes. She is so own to learning. She didn't really have a mother. Her mother was an alcoholic and the father was a no-show. Her mom was too absorbed in herself and frequently abandoned the two girls for months at a time. Then she'd show up and act like nothing happened, until the next time. Her mother died when her daughter was around 40, and before they had completely reconciled which is just a shame.
I almost weighed today! Alllll-most! My swelling was way down this morning and I almost got my nerve up, but then did something else and then forgot about it! I'm quite swollen at the moment, but perhaps it will go down by tomorrow morning.
My day did not start out on a great note. I didn't have as much problems waking up, but just really wanted to keep sleeping. Then I got a text from my husband's secretary saying that this woman wanted to come do a tv show about our house. Grrrrr! She wanted to do this last year, too, but never even returned my call when I called her back. I didn't want to do it at all, but apparently I "have" to! I have to give a reception in February, so I'll let her come the day after that.
I've never received the magnesium lotion I ordered, but I can't remember with whom I placed the order. (That's right ... I said "with whom"!). I emailed the two companies I think it might have been, but went ahead an ordered a bottle from Amazon so I can get started on it. If you're not taking magnesium, you should read up on it!
Well, that's all for today. My mom is still being really difficult. I had an unpleasant phone conversation with her this evening and learned that people who go to physical therapy are using it to make themselves feel more important than other people. She's never liked people, but now she just despises everyone!
Oh! Lastly, I did listen to a morning meditation today which helped. I tried two others first, but didn't like them. But the third one was quite nice. It was "Wake Up! 10- Minute Guided Morning Meditation at www.aboutmeditation.com.
It's almost 11:30 right now. I'm going to soak in some Epsom salts while I make a tight to-do list for tomorrow. I'm going to hope/try/wish to have my lights out by 12:00! Wish me luck! No, scratch that. Wish me self-discipline!
I hope you are finding your way out of your own morasses! I'm still lost in mine.
Cheers!
Lisa
Tuesday, January 21, 2014
Day 115 - Can't Wake Up!
Dear Reader,
well, I am here to report on my progress, or lack of it. As I said, it's a morass and I'm trying to find my way out. It's like being lost in a swamp. No, I know what it's like. We used to live by a small creek. It was right beside our house, and my son and I used to go tramping around through it for fun. Obviously, this was when he was MUCH younger! The thing about this creek is that there were patches of quicksand in it, which made it all the more fun! We'd be tramping along in our boots when all of a sudden one of our legs would sink in all the way to the knee, or sometimes, all the way up your leg! We would roar with laughter as we tried to pull our leg out without driving the other leg in. Often, we could finally get our foot out, but only by slipping our foot out of the boot and leaving it there in the sand. Then we had to dig through the sand to fetch out the boot, which was seldom accomplished without thrusting some other part of our anatomy into the sand. We would ultimately arrive home filthy dirty, happy, and exhausted.
Finding my way out of all these health and behavioral issues is like that. But without the camaraderie and without the fun!
So ... successes first!
I am doing slightly better at going to bed. After the bad experiences with mom I started losing time again. I'd be getting ready fir bed and suddenly it would be 2:00 am and I wouldn't know how that had happened. So I've tightened up on my evenings and have tried to keep my focus better.
I have quit going downstairs late at night to eat a snack. Instead I have been bringing up a banana or a Lara Bar or one of those little pouches of mushed up fruit that are for kids! They only have 50 calories and are kind of fun to eat. Sometimes I swell up badly after eating them, though which makes me worry that I may be getting allergic to bananas again. A couple of nights I have gone downstairs and gotten some frozen blueberries and put a spoon of xylitol on them and brought them upstairs to eat. Delicious!
I worked out every day last week, I think. I didn't work out yesterday, Martin Luther King day. It was a holiday and my husband was home and I just didn't get it in. But I did work out today. I have added in more exercises and it's going well. I'm still using the Mama Mia sound track, but I'm sure it's going to get old fast. My legs and hips are definitely getting stronger. I can tell a real difference walking up all the stairs in our house.
I'm still eating nutritiously, but not losing weight or really trying to. I honestly don't think there's any point until we get moved and settled and I quit producing so much cortisol constantly. I do want a strong dose of chocolate each day, though. Usually it's just a tablespoon of Nutella, and that does the trick. I know I should reduce my sugar intake, but overall, I think I have.
I am slowly working with my housekeeper, trying to sit down with her a half hour each day. She's not held a steady job before, so she doesn't know how to keep her moods in check and have a professional and business-like approach to her job. The quality of her work depends entirely on her mood. I have spent time with her trying to help her learn how to get more sleep at night. I'm about to suggest meditation as a way to achieve mental discipline so she can quiet her thoughts at night. I'm sure she will think its silly, but she spends hours rehearsing everything she's worried about in her head, and can't go to sleep because of it. One of the VP's her wants to get rid of the entire custodial staff and outsource all of it to contractors. I have been vehemently against it, and my husband has blocked it, but her job could be in real danger if she isn't doing a top notch job by the time I leave.
I got a pedicure last week on Wednesday! My daughter and I had lunch together and then got pedicures. I was conservative in my color choice and regret it now. My goal tomorrow is to get a massage. I have always thought it was ridiculous to spend $60 for a massage, but I'm going to try to do it tomorrow. There's a new place that has opened up and only does massages, so I'm hoping it will be cheaper.
I have ordered three jackets and two skirts on sale to wear to meet the Board of Directors when we go to New York. I won't keep them all, but ordered them hoping to find one outfit that will work. I also ordered two pairs of camel- colored shoes and am really hoping at least one of them will work. I can't wear pumps because me heel slips out, no matter what kind of heel grips I put in. I feel certain that someone could come up with a good heel grip if they just set their mind to it! Like one that is covered with tiny suction cups to grip your foot!
I am rolls trying to focus on getting more rest. When I set my alarm, I set it for nine hours of sleep. I am using my wake-up alarm clock which has a light that starts turning thirty minutes before your alarm, and then uses bird calls to wake you. It doesn't wake me up at all, though. I wear ear plugs, for one thing, and am usually turned facing away from it in the morning, so I don't think the light is too effective. I also set my phone alarm and, between the two of them, I wake up.
So here are the not-so-good things.
I am sick of cooking! I just hate it now. I would rather have a Bol of oatmeal than make a meal. There are no good restaurants here, so I keep cooking and dream of better days after we move. I made Thai food tonight to try to make something interesting. I forgot to turn on the rice cooker, so we didn't have the coconut-ginger rice I made. The cucumber salad was good, but the Tom Ka Gai soup was way too salty! I used lemongrass paste and I think that May have been what did it, because I didn't add salt to it. I frequently am not eating a proper lunch or breakfast, mostly because I just don't want to. So I'm kind of living off of chai soy lattes I make and edemame!
I'm still staying u too late at night. It's 12:12 am right now.
But the worst is that I just can't wake up! I doze and doze and doze. I think I could sleep twelve hours a night! I'm not sure what to do about this. The main problem is that I don't WANT to get up. I have no cortisol surge! You're supposed to have a cortisol surge in the morning that wakes you up, but this doesn't seem to happen. I take a Xanax before I go to sleep and two hydroxyzene, and it could be that it is them that causes this. But self-discipline isn't being enough to make me get out of bed, so this is still a big problem, and I don't know what to do to counteract it.
Well, I'm tired and ready to try to go to sleep now. The good news is that my husband isn't snoring badly tonight, so maybe I'll be able to go to sleep quickly.
That's it for tonight. I. Totally intimidated about inventorying all of my books. My husband has already done his and our cd collection. But I have a ton to do as well.
I hope you have a good day tomorrow! Tomorrow will be day January 21st. So that's 21 days I've stayed focused on my resolutions. I think that must be some type of record! Did you see the Saturday Night Live skit this past Saturday with Drake doing the skit about resolutions? It was actually funny!
Cheers!
Lisa
well, I am here to report on my progress, or lack of it. As I said, it's a morass and I'm trying to find my way out. It's like being lost in a swamp. No, I know what it's like. We used to live by a small creek. It was right beside our house, and my son and I used to go tramping around through it for fun. Obviously, this was when he was MUCH younger! The thing about this creek is that there were patches of quicksand in it, which made it all the more fun! We'd be tramping along in our boots when all of a sudden one of our legs would sink in all the way to the knee, or sometimes, all the way up your leg! We would roar with laughter as we tried to pull our leg out without driving the other leg in. Often, we could finally get our foot out, but only by slipping our foot out of the boot and leaving it there in the sand. Then we had to dig through the sand to fetch out the boot, which was seldom accomplished without thrusting some other part of our anatomy into the sand. We would ultimately arrive home filthy dirty, happy, and exhausted.
Finding my way out of all these health and behavioral issues is like that. But without the camaraderie and without the fun!
So ... successes first!
I am doing slightly better at going to bed. After the bad experiences with mom I started losing time again. I'd be getting ready fir bed and suddenly it would be 2:00 am and I wouldn't know how that had happened. So I've tightened up on my evenings and have tried to keep my focus better.
I have quit going downstairs late at night to eat a snack. Instead I have been bringing up a banana or a Lara Bar or one of those little pouches of mushed up fruit that are for kids! They only have 50 calories and are kind of fun to eat. Sometimes I swell up badly after eating them, though which makes me worry that I may be getting allergic to bananas again. A couple of nights I have gone downstairs and gotten some frozen blueberries and put a spoon of xylitol on them and brought them upstairs to eat. Delicious!
I worked out every day last week, I think. I didn't work out yesterday, Martin Luther King day. It was a holiday and my husband was home and I just didn't get it in. But I did work out today. I have added in more exercises and it's going well. I'm still using the Mama Mia sound track, but I'm sure it's going to get old fast. My legs and hips are definitely getting stronger. I can tell a real difference walking up all the stairs in our house.
I'm still eating nutritiously, but not losing weight or really trying to. I honestly don't think there's any point until we get moved and settled and I quit producing so much cortisol constantly. I do want a strong dose of chocolate each day, though. Usually it's just a tablespoon of Nutella, and that does the trick. I know I should reduce my sugar intake, but overall, I think I have.
I am slowly working with my housekeeper, trying to sit down with her a half hour each day. She's not held a steady job before, so she doesn't know how to keep her moods in check and have a professional and business-like approach to her job. The quality of her work depends entirely on her mood. I have spent time with her trying to help her learn how to get more sleep at night. I'm about to suggest meditation as a way to achieve mental discipline so she can quiet her thoughts at night. I'm sure she will think its silly, but she spends hours rehearsing everything she's worried about in her head, and can't go to sleep because of it. One of the VP's her wants to get rid of the entire custodial staff and outsource all of it to contractors. I have been vehemently against it, and my husband has blocked it, but her job could be in real danger if she isn't doing a top notch job by the time I leave.
I got a pedicure last week on Wednesday! My daughter and I had lunch together and then got pedicures. I was conservative in my color choice and regret it now. My goal tomorrow is to get a massage. I have always thought it was ridiculous to spend $60 for a massage, but I'm going to try to do it tomorrow. There's a new place that has opened up and only does massages, so I'm hoping it will be cheaper.
I have ordered three jackets and two skirts on sale to wear to meet the Board of Directors when we go to New York. I won't keep them all, but ordered them hoping to find one outfit that will work. I also ordered two pairs of camel- colored shoes and am really hoping at least one of them will work. I can't wear pumps because me heel slips out, no matter what kind of heel grips I put in. I feel certain that someone could come up with a good heel grip if they just set their mind to it! Like one that is covered with tiny suction cups to grip your foot!
I am rolls trying to focus on getting more rest. When I set my alarm, I set it for nine hours of sleep. I am using my wake-up alarm clock which has a light that starts turning thirty minutes before your alarm, and then uses bird calls to wake you. It doesn't wake me up at all, though. I wear ear plugs, for one thing, and am usually turned facing away from it in the morning, so I don't think the light is too effective. I also set my phone alarm and, between the two of them, I wake up.
So here are the not-so-good things.
I am sick of cooking! I just hate it now. I would rather have a Bol of oatmeal than make a meal. There are no good restaurants here, so I keep cooking and dream of better days after we move. I made Thai food tonight to try to make something interesting. I forgot to turn on the rice cooker, so we didn't have the coconut-ginger rice I made. The cucumber salad was good, but the Tom Ka Gai soup was way too salty! I used lemongrass paste and I think that May have been what did it, because I didn't add salt to it. I frequently am not eating a proper lunch or breakfast, mostly because I just don't want to. So I'm kind of living off of chai soy lattes I make and edemame!
I'm still staying u too late at night. It's 12:12 am right now.
But the worst is that I just can't wake up! I doze and doze and doze. I think I could sleep twelve hours a night! I'm not sure what to do about this. The main problem is that I don't WANT to get up. I have no cortisol surge! You're supposed to have a cortisol surge in the morning that wakes you up, but this doesn't seem to happen. I take a Xanax before I go to sleep and two hydroxyzene, and it could be that it is them that causes this. But self-discipline isn't being enough to make me get out of bed, so this is still a big problem, and I don't know what to do to counteract it.
Well, I'm tired and ready to try to go to sleep now. The good news is that my husband isn't snoring badly tonight, so maybe I'll be able to go to sleep quickly.
That's it for tonight. I. Totally intimidated about inventorying all of my books. My husband has already done his and our cd collection. But I have a ton to do as well.
I hope you have a good day tomorrow! Tomorrow will be day January 21st. So that's 21 days I've stayed focused on my resolutions. I think that must be some type of record! Did you see the Saturday Night Live skit this past Saturday with Drake doing the skit about resolutions? It was actually funny!
Cheers!
Lisa
Saturday, January 18, 2014
Day 117 - Bored, Bored, Bored!
Dear Reader,
well, I am shocked to see that yesterday's blog is here. I knew my iPad was about out of power, but I only had one more line I wanted to write when it turned off. When I charged it, it was completely gone. It didn't bother me much, because the function of this blog is just to keep myself focusing on my goals to get healthy and get us ready to move. So, by writing the blog I had done that. But I decided to write tonight on my husband's computer, and it pulled up yesterday's writing as a draft. I was so happy!
I am having a fair amount of pain in my right shoulder. I've got some tendons acting up in it. This is from what I've told you about, every time I exercise I hurt myself. This has been hurting for about five days now, I guess. I'll take some prednisone tonight and see if I can get the inflammation to settle down. The good part of this is that it is ONLY my right shoulder that is hurting. Usually I have brought on a major inflammatory attack with pain all through my body, or badly strained or sprained something. So, as I said, this endeavor is going to be a matter of balancing between progress and pain. This week as I've worked out, I've started to enjoy it and keep pushing myself further. I keep trying to remember to stop and go to some other part of the body if I want to keep working, but I obviously went too far doing push-ups or planks, one or the other.
I was pretty mad at myself last night because I completely and utterly bombed on the whole going-to-bed-on-time thing. We had a date last night and after we came home, I got in bed and got on my iPad doing this, that, and the other (shopping!) and then got in the tub with the plan of finishing the Mockingjay, the last book in the Hunger Games series. (Yes, mock me all you want! I deserve it. To make it worse I will confess that this is my SECOND time to read the books!) I happened to glance at the clock and saw that it was 1:50 am! I had not been aware of time passing. Do you know that that is one of the symptoms of PTSD, no awareness of time? So I got out of the bath and went immediately to bed. It took me a while to go to sleep, of course, since I left the rebel forces advancing on the Capital and Katniss and her allies in the tunnels under the city! Not a good place to stop and try to sleep! I really felt bad about this. I was willfully unaware of my goal of taking care of my body and starting to be sure to get enough sleep and not let myself reach the point of exhaustion. And I just threw the goals behind me because I had a good book. That I had already read before. I confessed it to God and moved on today. I did feel like God nudged me that I need to start writing down the time when I do things upstairs getting ready for bed. Like,
9:45 - browsed clothes on iPad
10:15- bathed
10:30- skin care, supplements
etc., just to help me become aware again of time passing. I literally cannot understand how, on so many nights, I'm not turning out my lights until three or four hours after I've gone to bed! What have I been doing??? Usually I'm just at a complete loss.
I didn't intend on exercising today and don't intend to do so tomorrow. Hopefully my shoulder will heal by then. I've been fairly careful with what I've eaten. A gluten-free turkey sandwich with grapes and kettle chips. A chai soy-latte. Fish tacos. I may make some gluten-free chocolate chip cookies mix I have tonight. I have to replace eggs with this egg-replacement powder and it doesn't seem to work terribly good, but it's all I can do.
I still haven't gotten back to meditating, and I think that's one reason why I've had this problem with pulling myself together from these interactions with my mother. I've only spoken to her briefly the last two days, and it's apparent that she's trying hard to be very pleasant. Which makes me start feeling sad for her, which leads me back to empathy, which leads me to feeling compassion, which will lead me, if I'm not careful, to inviting her to move to New York. Horrors! I just had a terrible thought! What if she wanted to move to where we'll be, but can't afford to buy anything and so wants to move in with us???
I've been working on inventorying my Christmas decorations today. So boring, but I'm going to keep plugging away. My husband has gone to see a movie I didn't want to see, so I'm going to use my evening working on this
I think we'll be going to church tomorrow. I wonder if you are as well? I wonder what churches will be like in New York? I'm hoping more real and about real faith and not about a culture that has grown up around Christianity, like we have in the South. The church we go to is low-income, ethnically mixed, and without glamour, show-biz, or pretend. That's the only way I can handle church at all. Put robes on a choir and I'm out of there!
I hope we all have a restful Saturday evening and a good night's sleep.
Cheers!
Lisa McNichols
Day 118 - Pulling It Back Together a Little Bit!
Dear Reader,
after a couple of high-anxiety days, I think I am ready to put my big-girl panties back on and act like an adult again. I had another rough encounter with my mother yesterday which, combined with the phone call the night before had me back to an area of kind of primal fear. I think what it is is that, when she de-stabilizes,it rings all sorts of alarms deep in me that she is going to start behaving in what used to be a truly terrifying way. But, hey! I'm not five years old anymore and I have a CAR! I can leave the scene! I've been just kind of shaky for two days, not externally, but internally. I told my husband this evening as we were on our way to a movie that it felt life fearful things from my childhood were curling up out of the ground around my ankles and I just wanted to run away out into a big field we were passing screaming, "No! No! No!" I think realizing that kind of brought me to a realization of how much I was letting her effect me which helped me get a grip on it. And, it just occurred to me this morning while I was praying that, if she says she wants to move to New York, I will say right out that I don't think that's a good idea. That my husband and I need this time to ourselves, just the two of us. We will have had kids living with us for 29 years and it's time to be just a couple again. She will go utterly ballistic, but I will be in New York and, if I handle it right with enough differentiation, it will be my brothers' problem.
Speaking of going to a movie, we went to see, "Shadow Agent" which was REALLY good! When they say it is based off of Tom Clancy's work, what they mean is that Tom Clancy had a character named Jack Ryan who was in the CIA! Nothing else is from anything Clancy ever wrote, but whoever did write this did an excellent job.
I am very happy to say that I have exercised every day this week ... I think every day! I really feel good when I'm finished and feel like I'm actually getting some cardio in with this floor workout. Someone told me that Michelle Obama said something about less cardio, more yoga! So ... that works for me since cardio makes me feel awful and can frequently knock me back two or three days. I'm going to go . through that ap I bought and find more muscle toning exercises I can do on the floor.
I think I'm doing pretty well with nutrition, but my middle is bloated up like a balloon! I don't know what's going on, but I have nothing even resembling a waist right now. I don't think I've mentioned it, but one of my conditions is chronic idiopathic angioedema. So, right now, my blood vessels are bing very permeable and letting plasma out into the surrounding tissues around my middle. I don't know what has triggered this, I just hope it's not a new allergen.
Oh! Speaking of my mother, which I know you thought I had quit speaking of her, but you were WRONG ... I told her when I went to her house yesterday that my husband is taking me to Jamaica and she said, "Why in the world would you want to go to Jamaica! I've been there before and it's filthy!" Yeah, Mom! She also told me she didn't like or need or want a Christmas present I had purchased for her, but had only just come in.
I have gotten almost no work done on inventorying all of my Christmas decorations, but I hope to do a lot tomorrow and Sunday afternoon. I've not gotten a lot of work done on going through all our belongings before we move and culling things dramatically this week. I have gone through two of. Y bedside table drawers and am working on the third drawer now. Big drawers, hugely overfull, so no small feat! I also got one yucky bathroom counter cleaned out. Some kind of gel spilled sometime back and it was gross!
I saw my doctor this week. He was happy with that reduced inflammation level also. I asked him about whether or not I might have Ehlers-Danlos Syndrome. He told me that he has glove patients he sees, which is more than most rheumatologists have. I told him about how my joints come out of joint really easily and the big muscle and tendon tears I've had in my legs. I could see he wasn't taking me seriously until I got to the part where I said, "and I've had four tumors removed from around each elbow." He looked up sharply and said, "What?! You've never told me about that!" I started laughing and so did he ... I mean, I've always got so much going on, so why would I say, "oh, and, by the way ... while we are NOT on the topic, I had fourteen tumors removed a few years ago and have since made a lot more." So now he wants me to have my cardiologist refer me to a rheumatologist and he says that they will be the one to decide about the diagnosis. It won't help anything to have a diagnosis, it will just mean another genetic defect, but it would be nice to understand what's going on. For people with weird health problems, diagnoses are a relief.
There's only one problem. My blood calcium levels were very high which either means I'm low in Vitamin D, orrrr ... I have a tumor on the para-something-or-other gland in my brain. Gee. He's running a couple more tests. I'm certainly hoping it's just the vitamin D thing.
Our realtor in New York called today to tell me there was a great article in the newspaper about my husband coming. Here's a funny story for you. My husband's secretary called and talked with us new secretary. The new secretary told her that things in the office were always very tense and she typically works 12 hour days. My husband's secretary (who is a fantastic secretary, but country as the day is long!) told her, "Well, you've got "Jesus walking on the water" coming to you!" (I know some people who would think that was a blasphemous thing to say, (I am in the DEEP South, after all, but she didn't mean it like that at all. But I shudder to imagine what my mother-in-law would think!)
Our son is coming down tomorrow to see us and get rent money from us. I really hope to hear that he's gotten a job!
Well, it's late. Oh, one last thing. I did talk with my housekeeper finally, but just touched on a few things and decided I can address specifics gradually next week.
So, altogether, a pretty good day.
after a couple of high-anxiety days, I think I am ready to put my big-girl panties back on and act like an adult again. I had another rough encounter with my mother yesterday which, combined with the phone call the night before had me back to an area of kind of primal fear. I think what it is is that, when she de-stabilizes,it rings all sorts of alarms deep in me that she is going to start behaving in what used to be a truly terrifying way. But, hey! I'm not five years old anymore and I have a CAR! I can leave the scene! I've been just kind of shaky for two days, not externally, but internally. I told my husband this evening as we were on our way to a movie that it felt life fearful things from my childhood were curling up out of the ground around my ankles and I just wanted to run away out into a big field we were passing screaming, "No! No! No!" I think realizing that kind of brought me to a realization of how much I was letting her effect me which helped me get a grip on it. And, it just occurred to me this morning while I was praying that, if she says she wants to move to New York, I will say right out that I don't think that's a good idea. That my husband and I need this time to ourselves, just the two of us. We will have had kids living with us for 29 years and it's time to be just a couple again. She will go utterly ballistic, but I will be in New York and, if I handle it right with enough differentiation, it will be my brothers' problem.
Speaking of going to a movie, we went to see, "Shadow Agent" which was REALLY good! When they say it is based off of Tom Clancy's work, what they mean is that Tom Clancy had a character named Jack Ryan who was in the CIA! Nothing else is from anything Clancy ever wrote, but whoever did write this did an excellent job.
I am very happy to say that I have exercised every day this week ... I think every day! I really feel good when I'm finished and feel like I'm actually getting some cardio in with this floor workout. Someone told me that Michelle Obama said something about less cardio, more yoga! So ... that works for me since cardio makes me feel awful and can frequently knock me back two or three days. I'm going to go . through that ap I bought and find more muscle toning exercises I can do on the floor.
I think I'm doing pretty well with nutrition, but my middle is bloated up like a balloon! I don't know what's going on, but I have nothing even resembling a waist right now. I don't think I've mentioned it, but one of my conditions is chronic idiopathic angioedema. So, right now, my blood vessels are bing very permeable and letting plasma out into the surrounding tissues around my middle. I don't know what has triggered this, I just hope it's not a new allergen.
Oh! Speaking of my mother, which I know you thought I had quit speaking of her, but you were WRONG ... I told her when I went to her house yesterday that my husband is taking me to Jamaica and she said, "Why in the world would you want to go to Jamaica! I've been there before and it's filthy!" Yeah, Mom! She also told me she didn't like or need or want a Christmas present I had purchased for her, but had only just come in.
I have gotten almost no work done on inventorying all of my Christmas decorations, but I hope to do a lot tomorrow and Sunday afternoon. I've not gotten a lot of work done on going through all our belongings before we move and culling things dramatically this week. I have gone through two of. Y bedside table drawers and am working on the third drawer now. Big drawers, hugely overfull, so no small feat! I also got one yucky bathroom counter cleaned out. Some kind of gel spilled sometime back and it was gross!
I saw my doctor this week. He was happy with that reduced inflammation level also. I asked him about whether or not I might have Ehlers-Danlos Syndrome. He told me that he has glove patients he sees, which is more than most rheumatologists have. I told him about how my joints come out of joint really easily and the big muscle and tendon tears I've had in my legs. I could see he wasn't taking me seriously until I got to the part where I said, "and I've had four tumors removed from around each elbow." He looked up sharply and said, "What?! You've never told me about that!" I started laughing and so did he ... I mean, I've always got so much going on, so why would I say, "oh, and, by the way ... while we are NOT on the topic, I had fourteen tumors removed a few years ago and have since made a lot more." So now he wants me to have my cardiologist refer me to a rheumatologist and he says that they will be the one to decide about the diagnosis. It won't help anything to have a diagnosis, it will just mean another genetic defect, but it would be nice to understand what's going on. For people with weird health problems, diagnoses are a relief.
There's only one problem. My blood calcium levels were very high which either means I'm low in Vitamin D, orrrr ... I have a tumor on the para-something-or-other gland in my brain. Gee. He's running a couple more tests. I'm certainly hoping it's just the vitamin D thing.
Our realtor in New York called today to tell me there was a great article in the newspaper about my husband coming. Here's a funny story for you. My husband's secretary called and talked with us new secretary. The new secretary told her that things in the office were always very tense and she typically works 12 hour days. My husband's secretary (who is a fantastic secretary, but country as the day is long!) told her, "Well, you've got "Jesus walking on the water" coming to you!" (I know some people who would think that was a blasphemous thing to say, (I am in the DEEP South, after all, but she didn't mean it like that at all. But I shudder to imagine what my mother-in-law would think!)
Our son is coming down tomorrow to see us and get rent money from us. I really hope to hear that he's gotten a job!
Well, it's late. Oh, one last thing. I did talk with my housekeeper finally, but just touched on a few things and decided I can address specifics gradually next week.
So, altogether, a pretty good day.
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