Dear Reader,
Well, I took the plunge and went into Manhattan by myself today. Last night my husband told me there was a train at 11:40 so I could get it and be at the Grand Hyatt by 12:20. WRONG! There was a train at 11:18 and then again at 12:18! So I had a nice, long WAIT at the train station. Happily enough, it was a beautiful day.
I enjoyed the trip into the city. A yang man was sitting across from me with a interesting tattoo and I asked him if he would tell me about it. He did so very earnestly and eagerly. It is a shape that came to him when he was a young child that he has drawn a lot and he thinks I some way represents his soul. Okeydoke! I told him it looked like an island with two small islands off the coast and reminded me of a place in Hawaii where there were two islands off the coast similar to this. We had a pleasant conversation the rest of the way into towel. There was a large, dour woman sitting across from me who kept her eyes closed and pretended to ignore us, but started chuckling here and there and I was able to lure her into the conversation. As we pulled into Grand Central Station, I shook their hands and introduced myself. It was so much fun. The guy got up first and said,with a kind of puzzled expression on his face, "Well, goodbye, ladies. Have a good day." And I was so pleased because I had created a little community right there on the train that had not existed before and I thought to myself, "YES! Changing New York one train car at a time!"
I had a good time visiting with my friend. Made even better by a spiked frozen lemonade! We ate at the Rockefeller Center outside by the fountain and it was marvelous. I learned, though, that I MUST find more comfortable shoes! In the terminal I had to buy band aids and bandage several toes where I was getting blisters from what I thought were my comfortable heels! I looked so awful last time I went into the city that I may have overcompensated! The lady at the kiosk was so nice and offered me a stool to sit on to apply the band aids. It's telling you ... if you are at all friendly to these New Yorkers they are just as nice as anyone!
I found my train and made it back to the house uneventfully. I was very tired out, though and slept for about two and a half hours when I got home. After I got up, I just snacked some and ordered a video that I thought I could watch in tv, but it turns out I can only watch it on my iPad, apparently. The kitchen floor was sooooo dirty. And the cat had knocked off her dish and broken it everywhere. So I swept the kitchen, laundry room, breakfast room and den. It made me really tired all over again, also brought home to me that I have lost a LOT of strength.
I dared to weigh this evening. It wasn't terrible. It was 8 pounds above my pre-Christmas weight. And that was at night.
I wrote a long thing to someone online who is suffering badly from PTSD. It's gotten stirred up from talking to her doctor and she was in a state of panic. I don't know if you'll be interested, but I will include here what I wrote.
My friend and I went into anthropologie today and I saw a dress that would be perfect for me. Perfect! But shipping is going to be $12.95 and I'm balking at that. Wish I had just grabbed it off the rack and purchased it.
I have a lot of goals for the house tomorrow, so wish me strength, energy, and FOCUS!!
Cheers!
Lisa
Honey, I am really sorry for the pain you are going through. Unfortunately, there is no way through this except through it. You can't back out and say you wish you had never started counseling. You did. And this is a good thing no matter how bad it feels. I am also sorry about the problems you have had with counselors. I don't know what you mean when you say that you talked to your doctor to see if you could go to counseling. I presume you mean that your doctor has to prescribe it for insurance to cover it? Whatever the case, you need to get into counseling as soon as you can and run with this pain while it's hot. NOTE: run WITH the pain, not away from it. You want to deal with it before you have the chance to cover it back up and lose the emotion.
I, too, would question the use of Ativan, I know exactly the terrible panic feeling you are experiencing and it is awful. But you need to head into the pain with guidance. My doctors let me use Xanax and I learned that very small doses would stop the panic and extreme anxiety without causing any cognitive problems. When it got too bad for me, I'd take just 5 mg and, in ten minutes, the panic would subside.
Talk therapy is effective with trauma. Trauma is stored energy in the brain. Not just stored memory, but the energy that accompanies that memory,. Your brain has not moved the memory to the right portion of your brain, so the memory is still accompanied by the emotions you experienced at the time. Your brain needs to re-process these memories and move them to the right place. You do not lose your memory, you just lose the accompanying fear, anger, panic, etc. the past becomes the past rather than a perpetually re-lived present. There is a therapy that is very effective for,this, and I would suggest you look for a therapist who is trained in this. It is called EMDR and is being used with traumatized soldiers with excellent results. You can look it up online to learn more about it.
I think with a combination of talk therapy and EMDR you will find significant relief. There is more to your story than you have shared here, of course. A counselor would be able to help you walk through many of your life decisions and learn what those choices mean and how to heal so that you can begin making choices based on your value, not your feelings of shame. And, sweetie (yes, I'm from the South, this is how I talk!) I want to prepare you that you are looking at a LONG journey. Each step of healing will be won by fighting hard for it. You will need to work long and hard with a counselor to work your way through these memories and toward a healthy life.
I've been in therapy for years because of childhood abuse and PTSD. What's rough is that, just when you think you're done, your brain offers up a whole new area and says, "Oh, by the way ... it's time to take a look at this, too." When that happens, it means that your soul is saying, "It's time. You can face this now, safely." Right now you are overwhelmed, and -- OH MY GOSH, do I know how you are feeling!
I would recommend that, for now, especially until you are back in a trusting and secure counseling relationship, that you learn about and begin to practice The Welcoming Prayer. This is a very beautiful way for dealing with bad emotions. There is a pretty good basic article about it at this site http://www.patheos.com/blogs/philfoxrose/2013/10/the-welcoming-prayer/. With this type of prayer, you acknowledge the feelings you are having rather than running away from them, and you allow yourself the space to consider them and what they mean and to what extent they have captured you. And then you begin learn how to release them. You don't release what happened, because you can't. You just learn to release the domination the emotion is having over you.
One other thing I would suggest is that you begin to tell yourself, when you are panicking, that you are safe now. You are no longer in that horrible relationship. You are no longer treated with contempt and used for someone else's needs. You are safe and that YOU will keep yourself safe. That you are actively seeking healing. That you are going to take care of yourself and get yourself the help you need. That you are no longer being a victim. You are no longer helpless. You are seeking the resources you need to help yourself. YOU are going to take care of you, now.
I would also suggest you contact your doctor and ask him if he would be wiling to switch you over to Xanax and tell him that you would like to find a counselor who can do EMDR therapy. In the meantime, focus on taking good care of yourself. Focus on feeding yourself well, on making sure you get enough sleep. Get a hair cut or give yourself a manicure. Buy some nice-smelling soap, lotion, or bath powder. Do things for yourself so your psyche can recognize that it is now safe and is being cared for. And get to a counselor ASAP. PTSD is not something to be taken lightly. It is frightening and paralyzing.
I wish you well. If you are a Christian, remember that God loves you and forgives you and receives you as His child. If you are not, I hope you find peace in some other way. Dear sister, may the peace of The Lord be with you.
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