Dear Friend,
I'm sure you see the days ticking away as much as I do, and I haven't exactly changed my life, have I? In fact, I'm less in control of my life now than I was before. I know ... big move, big change, lots and lots of stress, loss of friends and support, crappy health, easily intimidated, full of self-doubt, still dealing with a lot of trauma, plagued with anxiety, entertaining all the time, no household help, old house, lots of problems, blah, blah, blah.
But I WANT TO BE A BETTER PERSON. I WANT TO LIVE A BETTER LIFE.
But I'm so exhausted all the time and so overwhelmed until I just almost don't care anymore. At the big event on Wednesday, the dinner was served and I realized that I had made no arrangements to have a meal I could safely eat. And, when they served me, I saw that it was a large piece of beef. And you know what my first thought was? I just don't care anymore. I'm going to eat it and see what happens. I should tell you that the last time I had beef I landed in the emergency room at a hospital in England for several long hours while they tried to control a crazy reaction. It started with massive hives all over my body. Terrible! But then, my entire body started swelling. My hives stretched out into large, flat, white circles on my body and the rest of the skin turned bright red. It was six hours before they got the reaction stopped. I don't even know what was going on, it was so crazy.
So, when I almost decided to eat a big steak, that just shows how really worn out I am with dealing with all of this.
I'll have a good day where I'm able to wake up pretty well, and do a good amount of work during the day and push the ball along a little bit further. But then, I am exhausted for the next one or two days and everything falls back apart.
I know the solution is out there! I know if I can devise the perfect schedule, I can finish unpacking this house! I can finish decorating it and be able to keep the laundry clean and maybe even be able to do the ironing. If I can find the right schedule, get my sleeping habits organized and quit eating sugar, I can lose weight and get healthy and get back to moving towards my goals.
I can do this!! But each day ... I am defeated in my efforts in one way or another; and most often, defeated by myself. Until now, I just feel like a failure. Correction. A hopeless failure. Even more accurately, an exhausted, hopeless failure.
I'm starting to feel separated from God. I don't have joy anymore. I know it's because I haven't had fellowship with other believers in so long now. Mother used to give the illustration of the church being all these glowing embers, together, that create a flame. But if one ember gets pulled away from the others, it will grow cold and die out. I feel like I'm that ember!
Our son has been here for a visit and his presence seems to bring out the worst in our daughter and she starts being rude and disrespectful towards me. And then tonight, we were waiting for him to come down and go out to dinner with us, when he just let us know through the door that he wasn't coming and was going to take a nap. And he's stayed in his room the entire evening.
This stuff with one of my brothers has stirred back up in the most bizarre way. I posted a video of a black man that I found on TED. He starts off just talking about giving up speech for lent one time and moved into a rap-type poem about the danger of being silent. It was awesome! He takes about a gay student being beaten up and him staying silent. A woman congratulating him for teaching the not very smart students, and him staying quiet, and a few other things like that. All a out prejudice and injustice and his determination to not be silent anymore. It was FINE!!
So, my mother, who still doesn't have Facebook down too well, commented on the presentation on her page and then said that this was what my brother was doing with the insulting, mocking things he is STILL putting on his Facebook page. That he was "standing up." I responded that I completely disagreed. This man is talking about speaking up against injustice, while my brother is mocking and demeaning other people who disagree with him about politics. The -- OUT OF THE BLUE -- my niece pops up and writes this long thing about how he's not being mean, he's just holding up a mirror so people can see themselves and try to change for the better.
I responded that that is not what he is doing, what he is doing is ridiculing other people, and included some verses about how your speech should be beneficial to the hearer, etc. So she writes back a TIRADE about how she was apparently too "gentle" in her first comment and she wouldn't make that mistake again and on and on about how I am WRONG. And goes off on me!
Sol I tell her that to is between me and my brother and does not involve her and she is butting into a conversation that she has not been invited to participate in and to keep the hell out of it! That she is not helping anything, she is only making things worse. It didn't involve her, she didn't know all that had happened, and I didn't want to get out relationship caught up in this.
She responded rudely, and just seemed to be out of control emotionally, and said she was going to email me. I told her it seemed that she was determined to start a fight and I wasn't going to do that. Please don't write anything further because our dialogue was over.
Well, were in a restaurant and I immediately get a phone call from her! I just pushed the button to disconnect so she would know I was disconnecting her. She called right back immediately and has left two voicemails in my phone. I may have my daughter listen to them tomorrow and I am not checking my email. I blocked her in Facebook. If she's going to go out of control like that, she's not going to have access to my page anymore.
Then, as I was getting ready for bed, I found that my daughter had written a whopper of a response to her telling her that she's the one who started the problem by butting into a conversation between me and my mother that she didn't know anything about. Shazam! Not to be outdone, however, the niece wrote back insulting my daughter and saying that she is a "child" and doesn't know anything and should stay out of the adults' conversation!!
It was just crazy and very disheartening. I saw a few minutes ago that she has gone I and removed all her posts. So ... I think the phrase I'm looking for to describe my family is "bat-shit crazy"!
I need a punching bag. We used to have one and, so often I want to out on some gloves and just punch away in a bag to get out some frustration. Seriously considering buying one!
Happy Mother's Day tomorrow, if you're a mother. Happy Guilt Day if you are an adult child of a mother!
Cheers!
Lisa
P.S. Oh. By the way, I sat outside for a good while this morning with no discomfort at all. Yay!
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