Dear Friend,
Well, I had no cortisol to take early in the morning and, sure enough, it took me an hour and a half to wake up! I picked up my prescription this evening, though, so hopefully tomorrow will go better.
I'm real worried about my oldest dog, the one who's almost blind and almost deaf. I think something's happened and that she is completely blind now. She keeps running I to things, like walls and cabinets and chairs. I'm down here right now and most of the lights are off and she just keeps walking and walking and bumping and bumping. She's been here almost a year and we keep her in this kitchen/den/breakfast room area. She's had this area down pretty well, but not anymore. She's got a high-pitched very quiet whine sound going on. I leave all the fluorescent lights on so she has some light, and I usually leave the light in the garage entrance on, but they're off right now. She has several beds down here. One by the water, one in the den and a really large one in the laundry room. Sh started in there, but without that light on at the garage door she stopped and turned around. Maybe it was just too dark. I can't do anything at the moment because my husband has fallen asleep and his legs are on my lap and I know how tired he is. I hope she's going to be okay. She's been such a great dog, but I will say that cleaning up behind her constantly is not a bit of fun. I may try keeping her in diapers more, but that tends to give her a rash. Often, I take her outside, and after a while I pick her up and bring her back in. And then five minutes later she pees on the floor.
So, I saw my psychologist today. I printed off all the stuff that went on on Facebook last week and printed off the email she sent, still without reading it. And I took the phone that had her voicemail on it. So I told her about the good thing that happened at church last week and how my heart had been so refreshed and I haven't been as discouraged or depressed this week. We talked about the visit we had with our son and how much fun we had at my Mother's Day dinner and how things were going with my mom, since ... You know ... I'd been pretty creeped out.
So, then I told her my niece's history first, and it's not a pretty one at all. Then I read her all that she had written. Then I told her that I wanted to listen to the voicemail and read the email with her. She tried to talk me out of reading/listening to them at all. But I told her that I was going to do it and I'd rather do it with her than by myself. She asked me why I wanted to and I didn't have a real answer. Just wanted to know what she said and evaluate the situation. So, she agreed. And ...I don't even know what to say. I don't know how to describe it. Such a warping of everything! Just having an extreme temper tantrum with amazing rage and viciousness. "Wow" is about all I can say. She was completely irrational. My doctor was surprised I think, and thanked me for letting her read and hear all of that because she understands now much better what I'm dealing with. She said it was very irrational and she seemed to be a very disturbed young woman. She asked me what I planned to do. I told her I planned to write out a history of everything that had taken place and snail mail it to my brother. She wanted to know why I wouldn't just leave it and not respond so I didn't open myself back up to them to attack again. I said I wanted to try, just try, to see if I could make them see things rationally, at least for a few minutes. And then I would say that I'm done. I'm really solid now on realizing that I get to choose who I give access to my life and that I don't need this kind of people in it. I think she probably damaged her computer from slamming down on the exclamation points so many times. And she was actually yelling at me on the phone, a very long, practically hysterical with anger voicemail.
I'm not going to go the way they're going. They are full of disdain and disgust with anyone who disagrees with them. They say the most hateful things you can imagine about President Obama and Democrats and always talk about how stupid everyone is. Don't even bring up anything about fun control! It's worth your life if you think that when the Constitution gives people the right to bear arms it might not mean the right to put together their own personal armory! I'm not going that way. I want to follow Jesus. I want to be full of compassion for people. I want love and kindness and tende rheartedness to be my characteristics. I want to help the homeless, not condemn them for not working harder and not accuse them of running a racket and raking in all kinds of money. I ant to understand those who hold different opinions and I want to be respectful of them.
Oh, but ... she insulted my daughter! She threw tons of insults at me, but insulting my daughter is NOT okay! That is going to be brought up in my letter!
I didn't get anything much done today except, after seeing my doctor and eating lunch ... which you know HAD to include CHOCOLATE after reading and hearing all of that stuff ... I finally got a lot of clothes and things returned. I have a ton of stuff to return to Bed Bath & Beyond that I bought when I was trying to get everything in that bedroom and bathroom ready for our conference guest. There are three items of clothing from Loft that I can't find the receipt for or the record for because we bought them in a store instead of ordering them. If we ordered them, I would have an email record. But one thing I bought in the store and it was defective, the other two things were ordered while at the store, so I don't have an email record.
Tomorrow I plan to get my application finished and mailed. And then the conference at the church starts Friday evening. I'm looking forward to it. Really hoping there will be a lot of worship music. I wish my husband were coming, too. We had some extremely important things happen in our lives the last time we went to a worship conference 28 years ago! Long story there.
I didn't get to exercise today, but I'm not going to let it bother me. I've already exercised three times this week which is a record!
My mother went to see the orthopedic doctor that I think highly of where she lives. It takes A LOT for me to think highly of a doctor! So, she saw him this morning and she liked him a lot. AND ... he ordered an MRI because he thinks she has a stress fracture. I laughed and said, "do you know what all I'm going to say if it IS a stress fracture??!" She said she had actually told the doctor that she CANNOT have a stress fracture because that would make me right!
So, that's my day. My doctor talked about how I've been in therapy for so many years because that's what people who have experienced what I have need, but my brother has never faced his childhood or gotten any counseling at all. I am still striving for wellness. I know I'm not there yet, but I'm so very much better than I used to be.
Cheers!
Lisa
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