Dear Friend,
After the commencement ceremony, I started climbing up the stairs to get to the hall in the big arena where we were. The stairs were steep and narrow and there were no hand rails at all. I was wearing some new navy sling back heels and the stairs were only as wide as my shoe was long. So, if I put the top of my toe against the riser of the next stair, my narrow little heel barely fit on the edge of the step. I realized I was in real table bat halfway up. My legs and hips have gotten so weak and my heel was slipping off the edge of the step -- it was pretty bad. I really thought I was going to fall! I started reaching for the arms of the chairs bedside the stairs to pull myself up, and you can imagine that that didn't work out very well. Some man noticed my predicament and asked me ifI could use some help. I gladly accepted it, but was so embarrassed I never looked up, so I didn't even see who it was. I decided that this was ridiculous! I ABSOLUTELY HAD TO START EXERCISING! I still didn't know he I was ever going to make it happen, though.
So, the next day I saw my psychologist. One of the main things we talked about is my whole mindset that I am not worth the time. I am a failure. I don't deserve to take care of myself. There is no time for me until I have everything else done, and that is never going to happen. I berate myself and get very mad at myself over everything. She asked me if I believed that was true, that I was not worth the time to take care of myself. I said, yes! Everything in me tells me that it is true. Then she asked if I rationally thought it was true, and I said no, of course not. But it was a controlling belief.
She said this kind of thinking is very common in survivors of chronic childhood abuse who have PTSD. I had no value in my family other than keeping mom calm to protect my family. When she would go into rages, it was my fault. I had failed and our lives were unbearable. When I kept her calm, and rational, then I was successful because I made her act and feel happy and moderately normal. My worth was determined by how well I kept a raging mentally ill person act. Ths was an impossible task. All I wanted was a happy mother who took care of her family and loved her husband and loved her children and fed us and washed the clothes and kept the house clean and loved her role in the home and made life beautiful and loving. This was impossible and I was doomed to failure, I hated myself when I failed. My family suffered and it was my fault because I wasn't good enough and could impair her or keep her happy. I was worthless.
I apparently have never gotten past these feelings though my mother is no longer the focus of my unworthiness and failure. That has branched out to many other things. The glass tops of the patio table are dirty - I'm worthless. The laundry isn't done. I am not good enough. And God help me if the kitchen isn't clean - I'm a failure. The basement isn't unpacked - I don't deserve the time it would take to care for myself. I told me doctor I just wanted to be done with this! I I don't want my childhood to control me anymore, I want to be free from it. She said it isn't going to happen until I get free of all the distorted thinking. I was so exhausted when we were finished that I slept in the car for an hour after our meeting. She came outside to take care of me.
So, that how day 31 ended. But a lot of stray thoughts are coming together and are beginning to weave themselves into a different thinking that just may transfer my life. Oh! It will make such a huge difference if I can latch on to it and truly believe it, Think the change in my life will be radicals. But grassing it, pulling it all together and believing it is going to take work. But I am excited for the first time and have hope for the first time.
More tomorrow.
Cheers!
Lisa
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