Dear Friend,
WHY must I get competitive with myself?? I walked 49 minutes in some pretty ht weather today just because I wanted to do more than I did yesterday. I was exhausted by the uptime I got home!
I'm starting yoga again tomorrow. There is a class for beginners at 11:00 and I will be there. I've decided I will do yoga each day followed by a twenty minute walk - ONLY - one day and by hip exercises the next. I texted my husband while I was out shopping with my daughter, "What if it really happens this time? What if we really lost weight and got fit?" He texted back, "Why not?" Like it's simple! We haven't been successful before! But I am making a decision. I am worth the time it takes to make myself healthy.
I got a cute pair of New Balance walking shoes today at a shop. Looking forward to wearing them the next time I go out. They should help my feet a lot.
I caught an amazing sale on chicos.com on swimsuits. Had $120 suits knocked down to $38!
Well, I'm going down for the count.
Cheers!
Lisa
Monday, May 25, 2015
Sunday, May 24, 2015
Day 31 - On the Verge of a Transformation
Dear Friend,
After the commencement ceremony, I started climbing up the stairs to get to the hall in the big arena where we were. The stairs were steep and narrow and there were no hand rails at all. I was wearing some new navy sling back heels and the stairs were only as wide as my shoe was long. So, if I put the top of my toe against the riser of the next stair, my narrow little heel barely fit on the edge of the step. I realized I was in real table bat halfway up. My legs and hips have gotten so weak and my heel was slipping off the edge of the step -- it was pretty bad. I really thought I was going to fall! I started reaching for the arms of the chairs bedside the stairs to pull myself up, and you can imagine that that didn't work out very well. Some man noticed my predicament and asked me ifI could use some help. I gladly accepted it, but was so embarrassed I never looked up, so I didn't even see who it was. I decided that this was ridiculous! I ABSOLUTELY HAD TO START EXERCISING! I still didn't know he I was ever going to make it happen, though.
So, the next day I saw my psychologist. One of the main things we talked about is my whole mindset that I am not worth the time. I am a failure. I don't deserve to take care of myself. There is no time for me until I have everything else done, and that is never going to happen. I berate myself and get very mad at myself over everything. She asked me if I believed that was true, that I was not worth the time to take care of myself. I said, yes! Everything in me tells me that it is true. Then she asked if I rationally thought it was true, and I said no, of course not. But it was a controlling belief.
She said this kind of thinking is very common in survivors of chronic childhood abuse who have PTSD. I had no value in my family other than keeping mom calm to protect my family. When she would go into rages, it was my fault. I had failed and our lives were unbearable. When I kept her calm, and rational, then I was successful because I made her act and feel happy and moderately normal. My worth was determined by how well I kept a raging mentally ill person act. Ths was an impossible task. All I wanted was a happy mother who took care of her family and loved her husband and loved her children and fed us and washed the clothes and kept the house clean and loved her role in the home and made life beautiful and loving. This was impossible and I was doomed to failure, I hated myself when I failed. My family suffered and it was my fault because I wasn't good enough and could impair her or keep her happy. I was worthless.
I apparently have never gotten past these feelings though my mother is no longer the focus of my unworthiness and failure. That has branched out to many other things. The glass tops of the patio table are dirty - I'm worthless. The laundry isn't done. I am not good enough. And God help me if the kitchen isn't clean - I'm a failure. The basement isn't unpacked - I don't deserve the time it would take to care for myself. I told me doctor I just wanted to be done with this! I I don't want my childhood to control me anymore, I want to be free from it. She said it isn't going to happen until I get free of all the distorted thinking. I was so exhausted when we were finished that I slept in the car for an hour after our meeting. She came outside to take care of me.
So, that how day 31 ended. But a lot of stray thoughts are coming together and are beginning to weave themselves into a different thinking that just may transfer my life. Oh! It will make such a huge difference if I can latch on to it and truly believe it, Think the change in my life will be radicals. But grassing it, pulling it all together and believing it is going to take work. But I am excited for the first time and have hope for the first time.
More tomorrow.
Cheers!
Lisa
After the commencement ceremony, I started climbing up the stairs to get to the hall in the big arena where we were. The stairs were steep and narrow and there were no hand rails at all. I was wearing some new navy sling back heels and the stairs were only as wide as my shoe was long. So, if I put the top of my toe against the riser of the next stair, my narrow little heel barely fit on the edge of the step. I realized I was in real table bat halfway up. My legs and hips have gotten so weak and my heel was slipping off the edge of the step -- it was pretty bad. I really thought I was going to fall! I started reaching for the arms of the chairs bedside the stairs to pull myself up, and you can imagine that that didn't work out very well. Some man noticed my predicament and asked me ifI could use some help. I gladly accepted it, but was so embarrassed I never looked up, so I didn't even see who it was. I decided that this was ridiculous! I ABSOLUTELY HAD TO START EXERCISING! I still didn't know he I was ever going to make it happen, though.
So, the next day I saw my psychologist. One of the main things we talked about is my whole mindset that I am not worth the time. I am a failure. I don't deserve to take care of myself. There is no time for me until I have everything else done, and that is never going to happen. I berate myself and get very mad at myself over everything. She asked me if I believed that was true, that I was not worth the time to take care of myself. I said, yes! Everything in me tells me that it is true. Then she asked if I rationally thought it was true, and I said no, of course not. But it was a controlling belief.
She said this kind of thinking is very common in survivors of chronic childhood abuse who have PTSD. I had no value in my family other than keeping mom calm to protect my family. When she would go into rages, it was my fault. I had failed and our lives were unbearable. When I kept her calm, and rational, then I was successful because I made her act and feel happy and moderately normal. My worth was determined by how well I kept a raging mentally ill person act. Ths was an impossible task. All I wanted was a happy mother who took care of her family and loved her husband and loved her children and fed us and washed the clothes and kept the house clean and loved her role in the home and made life beautiful and loving. This was impossible and I was doomed to failure, I hated myself when I failed. My family suffered and it was my fault because I wasn't good enough and could impair her or keep her happy. I was worthless.
I apparently have never gotten past these feelings though my mother is no longer the focus of my unworthiness and failure. That has branched out to many other things. The glass tops of the patio table are dirty - I'm worthless. The laundry isn't done. I am not good enough. And God help me if the kitchen isn't clean - I'm a failure. The basement isn't unpacked - I don't deserve the time it would take to care for myself. I told me doctor I just wanted to be done with this! I I don't want my childhood to control me anymore, I want to be free from it. She said it isn't going to happen until I get free of all the distorted thinking. I was so exhausted when we were finished that I slept in the car for an hour after our meeting. She came outside to take care of me.
So, that how day 31 ended. But a lot of stray thoughts are coming together and are beginning to weave themselves into a different thinking that just may transfer my life. Oh! It will make such a huge difference if I can latch on to it and truly believe it, Think the change in my life will be radicals. But grassing it, pulling it all together and believing it is going to take work. But I am excited for the first time and have hope for the first time.
More tomorrow.
Cheers!
Lisa
Day 39 - Commencement
Dear Friend,
This is a post I wrote last Wednesday which was day 39. I wrote it on my iPad while I attended our college graduation ceremony. Here it is. Some major stuff happened right after I wrote this.
Lisa
Well, I am at my first commencement ceremony. There was a prayer by a pastor of a church around here and, as he was praying for the graduates as they set out on their next section of the journey, I wanted to add "... and, as they return to their parents' home while looking for a job, please help everyone be patient and help the graduates find a job so mom and pop can get their house back to themselves!"
The is a big ceremony. I don't know how many we are graduating, but this is the second ceremony and there are several hundreds of graduates. My husband is the last person in the processional here, completely different from where he was before. The students cheered as he went by! He's already making a difference! We don't have any place even close to being large enough to do this on campus, so we have to rent an arena in a nearby city.
I tried on all my white pants yesterday finally. None of them fit!! Ten pounds will do that to you. I'm just going to get some summer dresses. The ones I wore last summer were already a few years old and looked pretty bad. I don't think any of them are salvageable. Well ... one might be.
You won't believe what I did yesterday! I ordered SIX BRAS!! Won't that be awesome if they felt which I think they will? I don't think I've ever had that many bras before in my life. Two half slips and three pairs of pantyhose. Whoo hoo!!
Our vacation has been decided. Were going to go to the Bahamas for nine nights!! That should be wonderful. Were not doing an all-inclusive. We did that last summer and ate and drank waaay too much!
I haven't had any time to write to my brother or my niece yet. I still have to write my biography for the seminary and figure out what to do about my immunizations.
My husband told me that this ceremony started at 2:00, so I was here by 1:30, unbelievably. And then, it turned out that he had the time wrong and it started at 4:00! So, I ate a lunch they provided, including a couple of cookies and potato chips, and went to bed bath and beyond FINALLY to return all the things I bought to get the bedroom ready for the conference back in March. Couldn't find the receipt, of course. And I apparently bought it with my American Express which I didn't have with me, without it to show what I paid, they would take things back, but take 20% off. That makes complete sense because they give t so many 20% off coupons so, if you can't provide proof of purchase, they're going to figure you bight it at a discount and now want to get full price back, but I was sure disappointed. That means I have to get the Amex back from my daughter and come it here again. I'm almost through with that massive a not of returns I had to make. I have to return Tim's robe to Nordstrom, the bed bath and beyond stuff, and two pairs of shoes to Lord & Taylor. I have to have my Amex to return those shoes also. WHY CAN I NOT HANG ON TO RECEIPTS???
Now this is exciting. We are awarding some doctoral degrees and the students are getting hooded with these big long hoods. Such a fine moment if you are in academics. And, why would you want to be in any other life, I ask??!
So, I wanted to exercise yesterday. I really did. I just wanted to walk and the block once and do my hip exercises. But ... I had to get things ready for a dinner last night and managed to out it off until it was too late. Knowing I am almost certain to hurt myself when I workout and tear a tendon really hampers my desire to do so!! I'm wearing a nice dress I've had a few years. It had gotten too big and I had almost given it away. I'm glad I didn't now since it's one of the only things that fits!
Well, the recessional is about to start, so I guess I'll say goodbye for now.
Cheers!
Lisa
This is a post I wrote last Wednesday which was day 39. I wrote it on my iPad while I attended our college graduation ceremony. Here it is. Some major stuff happened right after I wrote this.
Lisa
Well, I am at my first commencement ceremony. There was a prayer by a pastor of a church around here and, as he was praying for the graduates as they set out on their next section of the journey, I wanted to add "... and, as they return to their parents' home while looking for a job, please help everyone be patient and help the graduates find a job so mom and pop can get their house back to themselves!"
The is a big ceremony. I don't know how many we are graduating, but this is the second ceremony and there are several hundreds of graduates. My husband is the last person in the processional here, completely different from where he was before. The students cheered as he went by! He's already making a difference! We don't have any place even close to being large enough to do this on campus, so we have to rent an arena in a nearby city.
I tried on all my white pants yesterday finally. None of them fit!! Ten pounds will do that to you. I'm just going to get some summer dresses. The ones I wore last summer were already a few years old and looked pretty bad. I don't think any of them are salvageable. Well ... one might be.
You won't believe what I did yesterday! I ordered SIX BRAS!! Won't that be awesome if they felt which I think they will? I don't think I've ever had that many bras before in my life. Two half slips and three pairs of pantyhose. Whoo hoo!!
Our vacation has been decided. Were going to go to the Bahamas for nine nights!! That should be wonderful. Were not doing an all-inclusive. We did that last summer and ate and drank waaay too much!
I haven't had any time to write to my brother or my niece yet. I still have to write my biography for the seminary and figure out what to do about my immunizations.
My husband told me that this ceremony started at 2:00, so I was here by 1:30, unbelievably. And then, it turned out that he had the time wrong and it started at 4:00! So, I ate a lunch they provided, including a couple of cookies and potato chips, and went to bed bath and beyond FINALLY to return all the things I bought to get the bedroom ready for the conference back in March. Couldn't find the receipt, of course. And I apparently bought it with my American Express which I didn't have with me, without it to show what I paid, they would take things back, but take 20% off. That makes complete sense because they give t so many 20% off coupons so, if you can't provide proof of purchase, they're going to figure you bight it at a discount and now want to get full price back, but I was sure disappointed. That means I have to get the Amex back from my daughter and come it here again. I'm almost through with that massive a not of returns I had to make. I have to return Tim's robe to Nordstrom, the bed bath and beyond stuff, and two pairs of shoes to Lord & Taylor. I have to have my Amex to return those shoes also. WHY CAN I NOT HANG ON TO RECEIPTS???
Now this is exciting. We are awarding some doctoral degrees and the students are getting hooded with these big long hoods. Such a fine moment if you are in academics. And, why would you want to be in any other life, I ask??!
So, I wanted to exercise yesterday. I really did. I just wanted to walk and the block once and do my hip exercises. But ... I had to get things ready for a dinner last night and managed to out it off until it was too late. Knowing I am almost certain to hurt myself when I workout and tear a tendon really hampers my desire to do so!! I'm wearing a nice dress I've had a few years. It had gotten too big and I had almost given it away. I'm glad I didn't now since it's one of the only things that fits!
Well, the recessional is about to start, so I guess I'll say goodbye for now.
Cheers!
Lisa
Thursday, May 14, 2015
Day 45 - Read the Email and Listened to the Voicemail and ... WOW!!!
Dear Friend,
Well, I had no cortisol to take early in the morning and, sure enough, it took me an hour and a half to wake up! I picked up my prescription this evening, though, so hopefully tomorrow will go better.
I'm real worried about my oldest dog, the one who's almost blind and almost deaf. I think something's happened and that she is completely blind now. She keeps running I to things, like walls and cabinets and chairs. I'm down here right now and most of the lights are off and she just keeps walking and walking and bumping and bumping. She's been here almost a year and we keep her in this kitchen/den/breakfast room area. She's had this area down pretty well, but not anymore. She's got a high-pitched very quiet whine sound going on. I leave all the fluorescent lights on so she has some light, and I usually leave the light in the garage entrance on, but they're off right now. She has several beds down here. One by the water, one in the den and a really large one in the laundry room. Sh started in there, but without that light on at the garage door she stopped and turned around. Maybe it was just too dark. I can't do anything at the moment because my husband has fallen asleep and his legs are on my lap and I know how tired he is. I hope she's going to be okay. She's been such a great dog, but I will say that cleaning up behind her constantly is not a bit of fun. I may try keeping her in diapers more, but that tends to give her a rash. Often, I take her outside, and after a while I pick her up and bring her back in. And then five minutes later she pees on the floor.
So, I saw my psychologist today. I printed off all the stuff that went on on Facebook last week and printed off the email she sent, still without reading it. And I took the phone that had her voicemail on it. So I told her about the good thing that happened at church last week and how my heart had been so refreshed and I haven't been as discouraged or depressed this week. We talked about the visit we had with our son and how much fun we had at my Mother's Day dinner and how things were going with my mom, since ... You know ... I'd been pretty creeped out.
So, then I told her my niece's history first, and it's not a pretty one at all. Then I read her all that she had written. Then I told her that I wanted to listen to the voicemail and read the email with her. She tried to talk me out of reading/listening to them at all. But I told her that I was going to do it and I'd rather do it with her than by myself. She asked me why I wanted to and I didn't have a real answer. Just wanted to know what she said and evaluate the situation. So, she agreed. And ...I don't even know what to say. I don't know how to describe it. Such a warping of everything! Just having an extreme temper tantrum with amazing rage and viciousness. "Wow" is about all I can say. She was completely irrational. My doctor was surprised I think, and thanked me for letting her read and hear all of that because she understands now much better what I'm dealing with. She said it was very irrational and she seemed to be a very disturbed young woman. She asked me what I planned to do. I told her I planned to write out a history of everything that had taken place and snail mail it to my brother. She wanted to know why I wouldn't just leave it and not respond so I didn't open myself back up to them to attack again. I said I wanted to try, just try, to see if I could make them see things rationally, at least for a few minutes. And then I would say that I'm done. I'm really solid now on realizing that I get to choose who I give access to my life and that I don't need this kind of people in it. I think she probably damaged her computer from slamming down on the exclamation points so many times. And she was actually yelling at me on the phone, a very long, practically hysterical with anger voicemail.
I'm not going to go the way they're going. They are full of disdain and disgust with anyone who disagrees with them. They say the most hateful things you can imagine about President Obama and Democrats and always talk about how stupid everyone is. Don't even bring up anything about fun control! It's worth your life if you think that when the Constitution gives people the right to bear arms it might not mean the right to put together their own personal armory! I'm not going that way. I want to follow Jesus. I want to be full of compassion for people. I want love and kindness and tende rheartedness to be my characteristics. I want to help the homeless, not condemn them for not working harder and not accuse them of running a racket and raking in all kinds of money. I ant to understand those who hold different opinions and I want to be respectful of them.
Oh, but ... she insulted my daughter! She threw tons of insults at me, but insulting my daughter is NOT okay! That is going to be brought up in my letter!
I didn't get anything much done today except, after seeing my doctor and eating lunch ... which you know HAD to include CHOCOLATE after reading and hearing all of that stuff ... I finally got a lot of clothes and things returned. I have a ton of stuff to return to Bed Bath & Beyond that I bought when I was trying to get everything in that bedroom and bathroom ready for our conference guest. There are three items of clothing from Loft that I can't find the receipt for or the record for because we bought them in a store instead of ordering them. If we ordered them, I would have an email record. But one thing I bought in the store and it was defective, the other two things were ordered while at the store, so I don't have an email record.
Tomorrow I plan to get my application finished and mailed. And then the conference at the church starts Friday evening. I'm looking forward to it. Really hoping there will be a lot of worship music. I wish my husband were coming, too. We had some extremely important things happen in our lives the last time we went to a worship conference 28 years ago! Long story there.
I didn't get to exercise today, but I'm not going to let it bother me. I've already exercised three times this week which is a record!
My mother went to see the orthopedic doctor that I think highly of where she lives. It takes A LOT for me to think highly of a doctor! So, she saw him this morning and she liked him a lot. AND ... he ordered an MRI because he thinks she has a stress fracture. I laughed and said, "do you know what all I'm going to say if it IS a stress fracture??!" She said she had actually told the doctor that she CANNOT have a stress fracture because that would make me right!
So, that's my day. My doctor talked about how I've been in therapy for so many years because that's what people who have experienced what I have need, but my brother has never faced his childhood or gotten any counseling at all. I am still striving for wellness. I know I'm not there yet, but I'm so very much better than I used to be.
Cheers!
Lisa
Well, I had no cortisol to take early in the morning and, sure enough, it took me an hour and a half to wake up! I picked up my prescription this evening, though, so hopefully tomorrow will go better.
I'm real worried about my oldest dog, the one who's almost blind and almost deaf. I think something's happened and that she is completely blind now. She keeps running I to things, like walls and cabinets and chairs. I'm down here right now and most of the lights are off and she just keeps walking and walking and bumping and bumping. She's been here almost a year and we keep her in this kitchen/den/breakfast room area. She's had this area down pretty well, but not anymore. She's got a high-pitched very quiet whine sound going on. I leave all the fluorescent lights on so she has some light, and I usually leave the light in the garage entrance on, but they're off right now. She has several beds down here. One by the water, one in the den and a really large one in the laundry room. Sh started in there, but without that light on at the garage door she stopped and turned around. Maybe it was just too dark. I can't do anything at the moment because my husband has fallen asleep and his legs are on my lap and I know how tired he is. I hope she's going to be okay. She's been such a great dog, but I will say that cleaning up behind her constantly is not a bit of fun. I may try keeping her in diapers more, but that tends to give her a rash. Often, I take her outside, and after a while I pick her up and bring her back in. And then five minutes later she pees on the floor.
So, I saw my psychologist today. I printed off all the stuff that went on on Facebook last week and printed off the email she sent, still without reading it. And I took the phone that had her voicemail on it. So I told her about the good thing that happened at church last week and how my heart had been so refreshed and I haven't been as discouraged or depressed this week. We talked about the visit we had with our son and how much fun we had at my Mother's Day dinner and how things were going with my mom, since ... You know ... I'd been pretty creeped out.
So, then I told her my niece's history first, and it's not a pretty one at all. Then I read her all that she had written. Then I told her that I wanted to listen to the voicemail and read the email with her. She tried to talk me out of reading/listening to them at all. But I told her that I was going to do it and I'd rather do it with her than by myself. She asked me why I wanted to and I didn't have a real answer. Just wanted to know what she said and evaluate the situation. So, she agreed. And ...I don't even know what to say. I don't know how to describe it. Such a warping of everything! Just having an extreme temper tantrum with amazing rage and viciousness. "Wow" is about all I can say. She was completely irrational. My doctor was surprised I think, and thanked me for letting her read and hear all of that because she understands now much better what I'm dealing with. She said it was very irrational and she seemed to be a very disturbed young woman. She asked me what I planned to do. I told her I planned to write out a history of everything that had taken place and snail mail it to my brother. She wanted to know why I wouldn't just leave it and not respond so I didn't open myself back up to them to attack again. I said I wanted to try, just try, to see if I could make them see things rationally, at least for a few minutes. And then I would say that I'm done. I'm really solid now on realizing that I get to choose who I give access to my life and that I don't need this kind of people in it. I think she probably damaged her computer from slamming down on the exclamation points so many times. And she was actually yelling at me on the phone, a very long, practically hysterical with anger voicemail.
I'm not going to go the way they're going. They are full of disdain and disgust with anyone who disagrees with them. They say the most hateful things you can imagine about President Obama and Democrats and always talk about how stupid everyone is. Don't even bring up anything about fun control! It's worth your life if you think that when the Constitution gives people the right to bear arms it might not mean the right to put together their own personal armory! I'm not going that way. I want to follow Jesus. I want to be full of compassion for people. I want love and kindness and tende rheartedness to be my characteristics. I want to help the homeless, not condemn them for not working harder and not accuse them of running a racket and raking in all kinds of money. I ant to understand those who hold different opinions and I want to be respectful of them.
Oh, but ... she insulted my daughter! She threw tons of insults at me, but insulting my daughter is NOT okay! That is going to be brought up in my letter!
I didn't get anything much done today except, after seeing my doctor and eating lunch ... which you know HAD to include CHOCOLATE after reading and hearing all of that stuff ... I finally got a lot of clothes and things returned. I have a ton of stuff to return to Bed Bath & Beyond that I bought when I was trying to get everything in that bedroom and bathroom ready for our conference guest. There are three items of clothing from Loft that I can't find the receipt for or the record for because we bought them in a store instead of ordering them. If we ordered them, I would have an email record. But one thing I bought in the store and it was defective, the other two things were ordered while at the store, so I don't have an email record.
Tomorrow I plan to get my application finished and mailed. And then the conference at the church starts Friday evening. I'm looking forward to it. Really hoping there will be a lot of worship music. I wish my husband were coming, too. We had some extremely important things happen in our lives the last time we went to a worship conference 28 years ago! Long story there.
I didn't get to exercise today, but I'm not going to let it bother me. I've already exercised three times this week which is a record!
My mother went to see the orthopedic doctor that I think highly of where she lives. It takes A LOT for me to think highly of a doctor! So, she saw him this morning and she liked him a lot. AND ... he ordered an MRI because he thinks she has a stress fracture. I laughed and said, "do you know what all I'm going to say if it IS a stress fracture??!" She said she had actually told the doctor that she CANNOT have a stress fracture because that would make me right!
So, that's my day. My doctor talked about how I've been in therapy for so many years because that's what people who have experienced what I have need, but my brother has never faced his childhood or gotten any counseling at all. I am still striving for wellness. I know I'm not there yet, but I'm so very much better than I used to be.
Cheers!
Lisa
Wednesday, May 13, 2015
Day 46 - A Pretty Productive Day!
Dear Friend,
This has been my best day in a long time. Nothing to brag about from most people's perspectives. But for me it was pretty exciting.
First off, I woke up pretty easily this morning. There was no struggle like there has been for so long. But, I forgot to go pick up the refill of my cortisol prescription so I don't have one to take in the morning. That may make a difference in how tomorrow goes. My husband is still bringing me coffee in a thermos before he leaves for work. Most of the time I am sleeping so hard that I don't wake up at all. But it's lovely when I do wake up to see that he left me coffee to help me. My dreams have reduced in number, frequency and intensity which has been really helpful. Usually great dreams, but robbing me of the deep rest I need. I guess that my life is starting to smooth out some so my brain doesn't need to dream as much to work out built up tension.
I watched a coule of TED talks, read a little in my current zombie book, and got up and dressed. I went downstairs to take care of the dogs and everything kind of slipped out of my grasp from that point on. I got a lot done, but I was floundering the rest of the day.
Several groups of people came to the house throughout the day, interrupting me constantly. Three groups came out to look at the pergola and discuss all the repairs it needs. I talked to one of the men in charge of facilities and I think I'm going to go ahead and have the stumps of these wisterias dug out. The winter was hard on a lot of the plants and we lost many shrubs and the wisterias. I thought I'd leave the stumps and let them start growing again, but I think I've decided to pull them out and plant new wisteria vines on the other side of the pergola and look for one of the types that is not as aggressive as this one was. I know of one, but it has really stunted blossoms, which I don't like. I'm hoping to find something else. There is probably not much life left in these roots anyway. Several of the shrubs in the landscaping in front of the house died as well and are going to have to come out.
Anyway ... people in and out constantly. But at least a refrigerator repair crew came out to fix the freezer and the ice maker. They didn't talk to me before they left, so I don't know if it's fixed or not.
But, here's the really great stuff I got done today. First off, I wrote notes to the three men who are giving me references for the seminary and sent them the forms to fill out and I included addressed and stamped envelopes for them to use to mail them in. I also got my request for a transcript made out and the check written. And then ... you will not believe what I did! I got in my CAR and drove to the POST OFFICE and MAILED them! Is that amazing, or what??
I knew I had to write out bat my conversion, but I had not realized that I also had to write answers to ten essay-type questions. I actually got those done! I just reread them and they need a little doctoring up, but they are pretty much ready to go, I still have to write about my conversion and about, basically, my life story. Good grief! That will be a book, even if I only tell the essentials. So, my plan is to finish these tomorrow and mail them in.
I came across one troubling thing, though. New York requires that I produce proof of my immunizations! Well, I have no idea at all where those are! Apparently I can get a booster shot, but that kind of scares me because of my immune system problems. You also have to be vaccinated for that form of meningitis that is so contagious and can spread through a school's population. What's the name of that? I can't remember.
Well ... I can't have the flu vaccine because it is grown in eggs and I have such a severe reaction to it that it can kill me. So, what the heck am I supposed to do about this? I saw something where it looks like you can get around this is your doctor writes a letter saying that you are unable to take the vaccinations and you can still attend the school. You want to know something funny? This law does not apply to people who were born before January, 1957. So, guess when I was born? FEBRUARY of 1957!
I got some laundry done today, exercised, even doing some arm weights and some basic arm exercises, and did my "earthing."
My big toe is killing me and I still haven't made an appointment with an orthopedic doctor. I have an appointment coming up next month with an internist who my husband says is very good. Hopefully he'll be able to give me some guidance about everything.
I went to sleep yesterday around 1:00 am which was early for me, I think I'm going to be able to lull it off again tonight. Except ... I just downloaded the third in the series of books that I'm reading right now., one of the seminary questions was, "What is a book you have read recently, other than the Bible, that has challenged your way of thinking?" Or something like that. My husband advised against using a zombie novel to answer that question! :-)
Cheers!
Lisa
P.S. I do feel like my legs are starting to get a little stronger. Yay!
This has been my best day in a long time. Nothing to brag about from most people's perspectives. But for me it was pretty exciting.
First off, I woke up pretty easily this morning. There was no struggle like there has been for so long. But, I forgot to go pick up the refill of my cortisol prescription so I don't have one to take in the morning. That may make a difference in how tomorrow goes. My husband is still bringing me coffee in a thermos before he leaves for work. Most of the time I am sleeping so hard that I don't wake up at all. But it's lovely when I do wake up to see that he left me coffee to help me. My dreams have reduced in number, frequency and intensity which has been really helpful. Usually great dreams, but robbing me of the deep rest I need. I guess that my life is starting to smooth out some so my brain doesn't need to dream as much to work out built up tension.
I watched a coule of TED talks, read a little in my current zombie book, and got up and dressed. I went downstairs to take care of the dogs and everything kind of slipped out of my grasp from that point on. I got a lot done, but I was floundering the rest of the day.
Several groups of people came to the house throughout the day, interrupting me constantly. Three groups came out to look at the pergola and discuss all the repairs it needs. I talked to one of the men in charge of facilities and I think I'm going to go ahead and have the stumps of these wisterias dug out. The winter was hard on a lot of the plants and we lost many shrubs and the wisterias. I thought I'd leave the stumps and let them start growing again, but I think I've decided to pull them out and plant new wisteria vines on the other side of the pergola and look for one of the types that is not as aggressive as this one was. I know of one, but it has really stunted blossoms, which I don't like. I'm hoping to find something else. There is probably not much life left in these roots anyway. Several of the shrubs in the landscaping in front of the house died as well and are going to have to come out.
Anyway ... people in and out constantly. But at least a refrigerator repair crew came out to fix the freezer and the ice maker. They didn't talk to me before they left, so I don't know if it's fixed or not.
But, here's the really great stuff I got done today. First off, I wrote notes to the three men who are giving me references for the seminary and sent them the forms to fill out and I included addressed and stamped envelopes for them to use to mail them in. I also got my request for a transcript made out and the check written. And then ... you will not believe what I did! I got in my CAR and drove to the POST OFFICE and MAILED them! Is that amazing, or what??
I knew I had to write out bat my conversion, but I had not realized that I also had to write answers to ten essay-type questions. I actually got those done! I just reread them and they need a little doctoring up, but they are pretty much ready to go, I still have to write about my conversion and about, basically, my life story. Good grief! That will be a book, even if I only tell the essentials. So, my plan is to finish these tomorrow and mail them in.
I came across one troubling thing, though. New York requires that I produce proof of my immunizations! Well, I have no idea at all where those are! Apparently I can get a booster shot, but that kind of scares me because of my immune system problems. You also have to be vaccinated for that form of meningitis that is so contagious and can spread through a school's population. What's the name of that? I can't remember.
Well ... I can't have the flu vaccine because it is grown in eggs and I have such a severe reaction to it that it can kill me. So, what the heck am I supposed to do about this? I saw something where it looks like you can get around this is your doctor writes a letter saying that you are unable to take the vaccinations and you can still attend the school. You want to know something funny? This law does not apply to people who were born before January, 1957. So, guess when I was born? FEBRUARY of 1957!
I got some laundry done today, exercised, even doing some arm weights and some basic arm exercises, and did my "earthing."
My big toe is killing me and I still haven't made an appointment with an orthopedic doctor. I have an appointment coming up next month with an internist who my husband says is very good. Hopefully he'll be able to give me some guidance about everything.
I went to sleep yesterday around 1:00 am which was early for me, I think I'm going to be able to lull it off again tonight. Except ... I just downloaded the third in the series of books that I'm reading right now., one of the seminary questions was, "What is a book you have read recently, other than the Bible, that has challenged your way of thinking?" Or something like that. My husband advised against using a zombie novel to answer that question! :-)
Cheers!
Lisa
P.S. I do feel like my legs are starting to get a little stronger. Yay!
Tuesday, May 12, 2015
Day 47 - You Will Never Believe What I Did Today!
Dear Friend,
Today was a really nice day. I know, I almost never say that. Buts it's true. I sent the head of facilities a private email saying that repairing the pergola and getting the pool running could not be lost in the lala land of the turf war between the college and the company that we have outsourced all facilities work. I HATE outsourcing!
So, the first thing I heard this morning was people outside inspecting the pergola, which is in really bad shape. The columns appear to be okay, but many of the cross beams are completely rotted, not to mention all the chopped paint. This pergola was such a thorn in my side all last year! I'm going to be so happy having it nice and beautiful this year. I also said the same thing abut getting the pool opened. And when I went outside, there the man was, working on the pool. Sure happy about this!! And, to my surprise, someone power washed my plastic wicker dining set. That's was great because I was dreading it. The director and I met later and he is frustrated that so many things have still not been done and that the team he set u is not really flowing through like they were supposed to. So he's going to use on that to get them functioning better regarding the house repairs.
I exercised today and I did my earthing. Yu know hw I said that I was keeping the house picked up better? Well, there was hardly anything for me to do to have everything ready for the cleaning company to come over.
But, here's the thing you'll be the most surprised about. I have everything ready to send off for my transcript and the three letters of recommendation forms for the seminary. Mailing them tomorrow! I have still to write my personal experience of becoming a Christian and answer several questions, I noticed one was whether or not I considered myself to be self-disciplined!!
Sure tired. Ready for bed. Good night!
Lisa
Today was a really nice day. I know, I almost never say that. Buts it's true. I sent the head of facilities a private email saying that repairing the pergola and getting the pool running could not be lost in the lala land of the turf war between the college and the company that we have outsourced all facilities work. I HATE outsourcing!
So, the first thing I heard this morning was people outside inspecting the pergola, which is in really bad shape. The columns appear to be okay, but many of the cross beams are completely rotted, not to mention all the chopped paint. This pergola was such a thorn in my side all last year! I'm going to be so happy having it nice and beautiful this year. I also said the same thing abut getting the pool opened. And when I went outside, there the man was, working on the pool. Sure happy about this!! And, to my surprise, someone power washed my plastic wicker dining set. That's was great because I was dreading it. The director and I met later and he is frustrated that so many things have still not been done and that the team he set u is not really flowing through like they were supposed to. So he's going to use on that to get them functioning better regarding the house repairs.
I exercised today and I did my earthing. Yu know hw I said that I was keeping the house picked up better? Well, there was hardly anything for me to do to have everything ready for the cleaning company to come over.
But, here's the thing you'll be the most surprised about. I have everything ready to send off for my transcript and the three letters of recommendation forms for the seminary. Mailing them tomorrow! I have still to write my personal experience of becoming a Christian and answer several questions, I noticed one was whether or not I considered myself to be self-disciplined!!
Sure tired. Ready for bed. Good night!
Lisa
Monday, May 11, 2015
Day 48 - Pretty Nice Day
Dear Friend,
Well, sure enough, today was a better day. Our sion went to sleep around noon since he was going to drive through the night, and our daughter left for work about the same time. So I had a good five hrs to get my work done. From time to time I would stop and write down on my pad, "Evaluation without Condemnation" on which I would look over the past two or three hours and write how they had gone, where I was flagging, where I was making progress. It took forever to get our bedroom and bathroom cleaned! I worked pretty diligently and got a lot of laundry done and the kitchen and den picked up. So, the house is pretty much ready for the cleaning company to come in tomorrow.
I'm excited a out the direction I'm heading with looking to decorate the downstairs den. I also need some art for the foyer. I did my exercises today and was able to do more , with less soreness afterwards, I even got out my arm weights and do some arm exercised as well.
Fixed a tolerably healthy dinner and then our son got on the road and will bed rioting though the night. L
It nk I have foun what I want to do to lose weight. To tired to go into it right now, though. So maybe tomorrow.
Cheers,
Lisa
P.S. I've decided to focus on two skill sets: waking and getting up in the mornings,and going to sleep at night. More tomorrow.
Well, sure enough, today was a better day. Our sion went to sleep around noon since he was going to drive through the night, and our daughter left for work about the same time. So I had a good five hrs to get my work done. From time to time I would stop and write down on my pad, "Evaluation without Condemnation" on which I would look over the past two or three hours and write how they had gone, where I was flagging, where I was making progress. It took forever to get our bedroom and bathroom cleaned! I worked pretty diligently and got a lot of laundry done and the kitchen and den picked up. So, the house is pretty much ready for the cleaning company to come in tomorrow.
I'm excited a out the direction I'm heading with looking to decorate the downstairs den. I also need some art for the foyer. I did my exercises today and was able to do more , with less soreness afterwards, I even got out my arm weights and do some arm exercised as well.
Fixed a tolerably healthy dinner and then our son got on the road and will bed rioting though the night. L
It nk I have foun what I want to do to lose weight. To tired to go into it right now, though. So maybe tomorrow.
Cheers,
Lisa
P.S. I've decided to focus on two skill sets: waking and getting up in the mornings,and going to sleep at night. More tomorrow.
Sunday, May 10, 2015
Day 49 - Fresh Hope!
Dear Friend,
We went to church this morning, so ... YAY! I wanted to stay in bed and sleep and came up with several excuses why it was okay to sleep in this one more week. But then my husband came in with coffee and he was already dressed to go. So I had about 15 minutes to throw on some clothes and get ready and go. And I'm really, really glad I did.
At the first of the service, three people, including the minister, got up and blessed the women there. Now this is all new territory for me ... but it was really meaningful and I got a lot out of it. Then the sermon was about Pentecost, he's been doing a sermon series about the Holy Spirit. And then at the end, some couples went to the front of the church to pray for you if you needed prayer. One of the couples included the woman who had given a blessing that was especially something I needed to hear. So you can bet that I was up and out of my seat and went to them to ask for prayer. She was just lovely. I told her that I was just dry. I had had no fellowship for such a long time and was dry and defeated. She and her husband both prayed for me and, I can't really remember what they said too much, but it was just what I needed.
I went back to our owe and was thinking about it all and realized that it is my heart that has been defeated. I'm not depressed and overwhelmed because of my health and having too much to do. I am depressed and overwhelmed by these things because my heart has been defeated and had lost hope. These prayers don't change my work load or any of the challenges in my life. But I feel like I can approach them with a heart that is no longer hopeless.
The verse that the pastor used as the blessing he offered to the women was from the psalm where the author writes, "The King is enthralled with your beauty." This was written as a psalm for Solomon when he married the woman from Egypt ... the first of his many mistakes, but I digress, he asked us to receive this as from The Lord, that He sees us fully and truly and He is enthralled with our beauty. This really meant so much to me, to freshly realize that God loves me and sees me and delights in me. I kept having this image in my mind of Jesus standing in the stormy Sea of Galilee with His arms stretched out and me leaping from the boat and running so fast to Him that p, unlike Peter, I couldn't sink because I wasn't even aware of the wind and the waves. All I wanted was HIM.
So it was a lovely service and really ministered to me so much. They are having a conference next weekend and I planning on going.
We picked up the kids and our daughter took us it to eat at our favorite sushi restaurant. Only problem was that her card was declined!! She swears she has the money in her account, but it was just so funny.
The umbrellas I ordered got in. I got one of them set up on the patio and it looks great! Best $33 ever spent!
For dinner, we went to a seafood restaurant right on the water on the other side of the river. It was open air and really great! And, we got to enjoy it for a LONG, LONG, LONG TIME! Two hours and fifteen minutes long, to be exact. How does this happen to us so often?? Our food didn't come and didn't come. I had to ask the waitress's to check on it. She said the kitchen was backed up and we waited and waited and it was just kind of ridiculous. The charm declined steadily thought the evening! But we had a really great visit and laughed hysterically over lots of things. My husband and son ordered the three-berry cobbler with vanilla ice cream. Sounds good, huh? But, what they got was frozen berries with some sort of cold piece of biscuit on top of it in a large glass with a scoop of whipped cream!
My mother had a terrible day. She has leu risky and the pain was so bad that she couldn't get enough air and had to call for an ambulance to take her to the ER. We had a lot of problems because she was in too much pain to take her prescriptions in to the pharmacy. So I got hold of two of her neighbors who went over and took care of her. And then they found out that the doctor didn't GIVE HER the pain medicine prescription! When he called the ER, they rudely told him that she was just going to have to come back in to pick up the prescription no matter what kind of pain she was in!!! Long story short, she's doing better now and is going to call and try to get in to see her own doctor in the morning and one of the neighbors is going to take her. She has three very kind neighbors who have told me over and over to count in them to help in any way they can and they really showed up today!
My niece has just gone crazy. My sin and daughter both listened to the voice mail she left and apparently she just went completely off and said I was a liar and I had threatened her and her father and apparently is "threatening" me that she is going to post everything I said on her Facebook page and tag me so they'll show up in my Facebook page. Now, mind you, this gal is FORTY! Not FOURTEEN! So I'm, like ... what???! You're going to post me saying please don't get involved in this, this is between me and my brother and I don't want my relationship with her getting caught up in it and I wasn't going to discuss it anymore with her. Yea, well, that's certainly putting the fear of God in me!!! What in the world can she possibly be thinking? It's so incredibly irrational. One thing, and I have to keep reminding myself about this, but there are a lot of not-normal people in the world! Sociopaths, psychopaths, borderline personality disorders, histrionic disorders, narcissistic disorders, etc., etc. So, she may actually BE crazy, and not just acting crazy! I told my daughter that I'm beginning to think that my branch of the family tree is actually the LEAST crazy branch! And, incidentally, I would use italics and not all caps for emphasis, except I don't know how to do that without going back to the top of the page for each word and selecting italics. Not happening.
And, she sent me an email, too! Both kids read it. I haven't read it or listened to her voice mail yet. I know I'm going to have to deal with this now since they are apparently going into lala land and he owns lots and lots of guns! I joked with my kids that I didn't want to cut them off completely because I may need a kidney some day. My son had just finished reading the email and he said, "Oh ... I don't think you're going to be getting a kidney from either of them!" It was so funny!! He has impeccable delivery! I about died laughing. So that's going to be a wearisome task for tomorrow. Later in the day I had to send an email. I deleted a bunch of emails and then hers popped up. I didn't look at it but I saw the preview which said, "You have lost it! I don't know who you think you're talking to, but" ... and that where it cuts off. Fun fun. Sorry, chica. I have had to deal with too many crazy people in my life and I am not wasting any emotional energy on this one! My brothers broke my heart and I cried for something like two or three weeks. I am so over it now. (I hope! Dear God, I hope they don't have any other way of hurting me more than they already have!)
So, here I am, facing a new week. Nothing has changed. Nothing will be easier and I don't have less to do than I had at the start of the day. But I have a little kernel of hope planted in me now and I think it will gain hold and change ME, not my circumstances. And I surely do need a lot of changing.
Have a great week!
Cheers!
Lisa
We went to church this morning, so ... YAY! I wanted to stay in bed and sleep and came up with several excuses why it was okay to sleep in this one more week. But then my husband came in with coffee and he was already dressed to go. So I had about 15 minutes to throw on some clothes and get ready and go. And I'm really, really glad I did.
At the first of the service, three people, including the minister, got up and blessed the women there. Now this is all new territory for me ... but it was really meaningful and I got a lot out of it. Then the sermon was about Pentecost, he's been doing a sermon series about the Holy Spirit. And then at the end, some couples went to the front of the church to pray for you if you needed prayer. One of the couples included the woman who had given a blessing that was especially something I needed to hear. So you can bet that I was up and out of my seat and went to them to ask for prayer. She was just lovely. I told her that I was just dry. I had had no fellowship for such a long time and was dry and defeated. She and her husband both prayed for me and, I can't really remember what they said too much, but it was just what I needed.
I went back to our owe and was thinking about it all and realized that it is my heart that has been defeated. I'm not depressed and overwhelmed because of my health and having too much to do. I am depressed and overwhelmed by these things because my heart has been defeated and had lost hope. These prayers don't change my work load or any of the challenges in my life. But I feel like I can approach them with a heart that is no longer hopeless.
The verse that the pastor used as the blessing he offered to the women was from the psalm where the author writes, "The King is enthralled with your beauty." This was written as a psalm for Solomon when he married the woman from Egypt ... the first of his many mistakes, but I digress, he asked us to receive this as from The Lord, that He sees us fully and truly and He is enthralled with our beauty. This really meant so much to me, to freshly realize that God loves me and sees me and delights in me. I kept having this image in my mind of Jesus standing in the stormy Sea of Galilee with His arms stretched out and me leaping from the boat and running so fast to Him that p, unlike Peter, I couldn't sink because I wasn't even aware of the wind and the waves. All I wanted was HIM.
So it was a lovely service and really ministered to me so much. They are having a conference next weekend and I planning on going.
We picked up the kids and our daughter took us it to eat at our favorite sushi restaurant. Only problem was that her card was declined!! She swears she has the money in her account, but it was just so funny.
The umbrellas I ordered got in. I got one of them set up on the patio and it looks great! Best $33 ever spent!
For dinner, we went to a seafood restaurant right on the water on the other side of the river. It was open air and really great! And, we got to enjoy it for a LONG, LONG, LONG TIME! Two hours and fifteen minutes long, to be exact. How does this happen to us so often?? Our food didn't come and didn't come. I had to ask the waitress's to check on it. She said the kitchen was backed up and we waited and waited and it was just kind of ridiculous. The charm declined steadily thought the evening! But we had a really great visit and laughed hysterically over lots of things. My husband and son ordered the three-berry cobbler with vanilla ice cream. Sounds good, huh? But, what they got was frozen berries with some sort of cold piece of biscuit on top of it in a large glass with a scoop of whipped cream!
My mother had a terrible day. She has leu risky and the pain was so bad that she couldn't get enough air and had to call for an ambulance to take her to the ER. We had a lot of problems because she was in too much pain to take her prescriptions in to the pharmacy. So I got hold of two of her neighbors who went over and took care of her. And then they found out that the doctor didn't GIVE HER the pain medicine prescription! When he called the ER, they rudely told him that she was just going to have to come back in to pick up the prescription no matter what kind of pain she was in!!! Long story short, she's doing better now and is going to call and try to get in to see her own doctor in the morning and one of the neighbors is going to take her. She has three very kind neighbors who have told me over and over to count in them to help in any way they can and they really showed up today!
My niece has just gone crazy. My sin and daughter both listened to the voice mail she left and apparently she just went completely off and said I was a liar and I had threatened her and her father and apparently is "threatening" me that she is going to post everything I said on her Facebook page and tag me so they'll show up in my Facebook page. Now, mind you, this gal is FORTY! Not FOURTEEN! So I'm, like ... what???! You're going to post me saying please don't get involved in this, this is between me and my brother and I don't want my relationship with her getting caught up in it and I wasn't going to discuss it anymore with her. Yea, well, that's certainly putting the fear of God in me!!! What in the world can she possibly be thinking? It's so incredibly irrational. One thing, and I have to keep reminding myself about this, but there are a lot of not-normal people in the world! Sociopaths, psychopaths, borderline personality disorders, histrionic disorders, narcissistic disorders, etc., etc. So, she may actually BE crazy, and not just acting crazy! I told my daughter that I'm beginning to think that my branch of the family tree is actually the LEAST crazy branch! And, incidentally, I would use italics and not all caps for emphasis, except I don't know how to do that without going back to the top of the page for each word and selecting italics. Not happening.
And, she sent me an email, too! Both kids read it. I haven't read it or listened to her voice mail yet. I know I'm going to have to deal with this now since they are apparently going into lala land and he owns lots and lots of guns! I joked with my kids that I didn't want to cut them off completely because I may need a kidney some day. My son had just finished reading the email and he said, "Oh ... I don't think you're going to be getting a kidney from either of them!" It was so funny!! He has impeccable delivery! I about died laughing. So that's going to be a wearisome task for tomorrow. Later in the day I had to send an email. I deleted a bunch of emails and then hers popped up. I didn't look at it but I saw the preview which said, "You have lost it! I don't know who you think you're talking to, but" ... and that where it cuts off. Fun fun. Sorry, chica. I have had to deal with too many crazy people in my life and I am not wasting any emotional energy on this one! My brothers broke my heart and I cried for something like two or three weeks. I am so over it now. (I hope! Dear God, I hope they don't have any other way of hurting me more than they already have!)
So, here I am, facing a new week. Nothing has changed. Nothing will be easier and I don't have less to do than I had at the start of the day. But I have a little kernel of hope planted in me now and I think it will gain hold and change ME, not my circumstances. And I surely do need a lot of changing.
Have a great week!
Cheers!
Lisa
Day 50 - So ... How DO You Change Your Life and Your Self?
Dear Friend,
I'm sure you see the days ticking away as much as I do, and I haven't exactly changed my life, have I? In fact, I'm less in control of my life now than I was before. I know ... big move, big change, lots and lots of stress, loss of friends and support, crappy health, easily intimidated, full of self-doubt, still dealing with a lot of trauma, plagued with anxiety, entertaining all the time, no household help, old house, lots of problems, blah, blah, blah.
But I WANT TO BE A BETTER PERSON. I WANT TO LIVE A BETTER LIFE.
But I'm so exhausted all the time and so overwhelmed until I just almost don't care anymore. At the big event on Wednesday, the dinner was served and I realized that I had made no arrangements to have a meal I could safely eat. And, when they served me, I saw that it was a large piece of beef. And you know what my first thought was? I just don't care anymore. I'm going to eat it and see what happens. I should tell you that the last time I had beef I landed in the emergency room at a hospital in England for several long hours while they tried to control a crazy reaction. It started with massive hives all over my body. Terrible! But then, my entire body started swelling. My hives stretched out into large, flat, white circles on my body and the rest of the skin turned bright red. It was six hours before they got the reaction stopped. I don't even know what was going on, it was so crazy.
So, when I almost decided to eat a big steak, that just shows how really worn out I am with dealing with all of this.
I'll have a good day where I'm able to wake up pretty well, and do a good amount of work during the day and push the ball along a little bit further. But then, I am exhausted for the next one or two days and everything falls back apart.
I know the solution is out there! I know if I can devise the perfect schedule, I can finish unpacking this house! I can finish decorating it and be able to keep the laundry clean and maybe even be able to do the ironing. If I can find the right schedule, get my sleeping habits organized and quit eating sugar, I can lose weight and get healthy and get back to moving towards my goals.
I can do this!! But each day ... I am defeated in my efforts in one way or another; and most often, defeated by myself. Until now, I just feel like a failure. Correction. A hopeless failure. Even more accurately, an exhausted, hopeless failure.
I'm starting to feel separated from God. I don't have joy anymore. I know it's because I haven't had fellowship with other believers in so long now. Mother used to give the illustration of the church being all these glowing embers, together, that create a flame. But if one ember gets pulled away from the others, it will grow cold and die out. I feel like I'm that ember!
Our son has been here for a visit and his presence seems to bring out the worst in our daughter and she starts being rude and disrespectful towards me. And then tonight, we were waiting for him to come down and go out to dinner with us, when he just let us know through the door that he wasn't coming and was going to take a nap. And he's stayed in his room the entire evening.
This stuff with one of my brothers has stirred back up in the most bizarre way. I posted a video of a black man that I found on TED. He starts off just talking about giving up speech for lent one time and moved into a rap-type poem about the danger of being silent. It was awesome! He takes about a gay student being beaten up and him staying silent. A woman congratulating him for teaching the not very smart students, and him staying quiet, and a few other things like that. All a out prejudice and injustice and his determination to not be silent anymore. It was FINE!!
So, my mother, who still doesn't have Facebook down too well, commented on the presentation on her page and then said that this was what my brother was doing with the insulting, mocking things he is STILL putting on his Facebook page. That he was "standing up." I responded that I completely disagreed. This man is talking about speaking up against injustice, while my brother is mocking and demeaning other people who disagree with him about politics. The -- OUT OF THE BLUE -- my niece pops up and writes this long thing about how he's not being mean, he's just holding up a mirror so people can see themselves and try to change for the better.
I responded that that is not what he is doing, what he is doing is ridiculing other people, and included some verses about how your speech should be beneficial to the hearer, etc. So she writes back a TIRADE about how she was apparently too "gentle" in her first comment and she wouldn't make that mistake again and on and on about how I am WRONG. And goes off on me!
Sol I tell her that to is between me and my brother and does not involve her and she is butting into a conversation that she has not been invited to participate in and to keep the hell out of it! That she is not helping anything, she is only making things worse. It didn't involve her, she didn't know all that had happened, and I didn't want to get out relationship caught up in this.
She responded rudely, and just seemed to be out of control emotionally, and said she was going to email me. I told her it seemed that she was determined to start a fight and I wasn't going to do that. Please don't write anything further because our dialogue was over.
Well, were in a restaurant and I immediately get a phone call from her! I just pushed the button to disconnect so she would know I was disconnecting her. She called right back immediately and has left two voicemails in my phone. I may have my daughter listen to them tomorrow and I am not checking my email. I blocked her in Facebook. If she's going to go out of control like that, she's not going to have access to my page anymore.
Then, as I was getting ready for bed, I found that my daughter had written a whopper of a response to her telling her that she's the one who started the problem by butting into a conversation between me and my mother that she didn't know anything about. Shazam! Not to be outdone, however, the niece wrote back insulting my daughter and saying that she is a "child" and doesn't know anything and should stay out of the adults' conversation!!
It was just crazy and very disheartening. I saw a few minutes ago that she has gone I and removed all her posts. So ... I think the phrase I'm looking for to describe my family is "bat-shit crazy"!
I need a punching bag. We used to have one and, so often I want to out on some gloves and just punch away in a bag to get out some frustration. Seriously considering buying one!
Happy Mother's Day tomorrow, if you're a mother. Happy Guilt Day if you are an adult child of a mother!
Cheers!
Lisa
P.S. Oh. By the way, I sat outside for a good while this morning with no discomfort at all. Yay!
I'm sure you see the days ticking away as much as I do, and I haven't exactly changed my life, have I? In fact, I'm less in control of my life now than I was before. I know ... big move, big change, lots and lots of stress, loss of friends and support, crappy health, easily intimidated, full of self-doubt, still dealing with a lot of trauma, plagued with anxiety, entertaining all the time, no household help, old house, lots of problems, blah, blah, blah.
But I WANT TO BE A BETTER PERSON. I WANT TO LIVE A BETTER LIFE.
But I'm so exhausted all the time and so overwhelmed until I just almost don't care anymore. At the big event on Wednesday, the dinner was served and I realized that I had made no arrangements to have a meal I could safely eat. And, when they served me, I saw that it was a large piece of beef. And you know what my first thought was? I just don't care anymore. I'm going to eat it and see what happens. I should tell you that the last time I had beef I landed in the emergency room at a hospital in England for several long hours while they tried to control a crazy reaction. It started with massive hives all over my body. Terrible! But then, my entire body started swelling. My hives stretched out into large, flat, white circles on my body and the rest of the skin turned bright red. It was six hours before they got the reaction stopped. I don't even know what was going on, it was so crazy.
So, when I almost decided to eat a big steak, that just shows how really worn out I am with dealing with all of this.
I'll have a good day where I'm able to wake up pretty well, and do a good amount of work during the day and push the ball along a little bit further. But then, I am exhausted for the next one or two days and everything falls back apart.
I know the solution is out there! I know if I can devise the perfect schedule, I can finish unpacking this house! I can finish decorating it and be able to keep the laundry clean and maybe even be able to do the ironing. If I can find the right schedule, get my sleeping habits organized and quit eating sugar, I can lose weight and get healthy and get back to moving towards my goals.
I can do this!! But each day ... I am defeated in my efforts in one way or another; and most often, defeated by myself. Until now, I just feel like a failure. Correction. A hopeless failure. Even more accurately, an exhausted, hopeless failure.
I'm starting to feel separated from God. I don't have joy anymore. I know it's because I haven't had fellowship with other believers in so long now. Mother used to give the illustration of the church being all these glowing embers, together, that create a flame. But if one ember gets pulled away from the others, it will grow cold and die out. I feel like I'm that ember!
Our son has been here for a visit and his presence seems to bring out the worst in our daughter and she starts being rude and disrespectful towards me. And then tonight, we were waiting for him to come down and go out to dinner with us, when he just let us know through the door that he wasn't coming and was going to take a nap. And he's stayed in his room the entire evening.
This stuff with one of my brothers has stirred back up in the most bizarre way. I posted a video of a black man that I found on TED. He starts off just talking about giving up speech for lent one time and moved into a rap-type poem about the danger of being silent. It was awesome! He takes about a gay student being beaten up and him staying silent. A woman congratulating him for teaching the not very smart students, and him staying quiet, and a few other things like that. All a out prejudice and injustice and his determination to not be silent anymore. It was FINE!!
So, my mother, who still doesn't have Facebook down too well, commented on the presentation on her page and then said that this was what my brother was doing with the insulting, mocking things he is STILL putting on his Facebook page. That he was "standing up." I responded that I completely disagreed. This man is talking about speaking up against injustice, while my brother is mocking and demeaning other people who disagree with him about politics. The -- OUT OF THE BLUE -- my niece pops up and writes this long thing about how he's not being mean, he's just holding up a mirror so people can see themselves and try to change for the better.
I responded that that is not what he is doing, what he is doing is ridiculing other people, and included some verses about how your speech should be beneficial to the hearer, etc. So she writes back a TIRADE about how she was apparently too "gentle" in her first comment and she wouldn't make that mistake again and on and on about how I am WRONG. And goes off on me!
Sol I tell her that to is between me and my brother and does not involve her and she is butting into a conversation that she has not been invited to participate in and to keep the hell out of it! That she is not helping anything, she is only making things worse. It didn't involve her, she didn't know all that had happened, and I didn't want to get out relationship caught up in this.
She responded rudely, and just seemed to be out of control emotionally, and said she was going to email me. I told her it seemed that she was determined to start a fight and I wasn't going to do that. Please don't write anything further because our dialogue was over.
Well, were in a restaurant and I immediately get a phone call from her! I just pushed the button to disconnect so she would know I was disconnecting her. She called right back immediately and has left two voicemails in my phone. I may have my daughter listen to them tomorrow and I am not checking my email. I blocked her in Facebook. If she's going to go out of control like that, she's not going to have access to my page anymore.
Then, as I was getting ready for bed, I found that my daughter had written a whopper of a response to her telling her that she's the one who started the problem by butting into a conversation between me and my mother that she didn't know anything about. Shazam! Not to be outdone, however, the niece wrote back insulting my daughter and saying that she is a "child" and doesn't know anything and should stay out of the adults' conversation!!
It was just crazy and very disheartening. I saw a few minutes ago that she has gone I and removed all her posts. So ... I think the phrase I'm looking for to describe my family is "bat-shit crazy"!
I need a punching bag. We used to have one and, so often I want to out on some gloves and just punch away in a bag to get out some frustration. Seriously considering buying one!
Happy Mother's Day tomorrow, if you're a mother. Happy Guilt Day if you are an adult child of a mother!
Cheers!
Lisa
P.S. Oh. By the way, I sat outside for a good while this morning with no discomfort at all. Yay!
Tuesday, May 5, 2015
Day 54 - Too Zonked to Do Much
Dear Friend,
Well, I seem to have one good day and then on exhausted day. But, hey! That's better than it used to be! I had the whole day mapped out, but woke up simply exhausted.
First, the landscape people came and completely removed the huge wisteria vines on the pergola. The base of one of them is twelve inches across! He said he was once called to cut down a wisteria that had grown into a tree and was bat two and a half feet across. Then first set of house cleaners came to clean the first floor. Then the rental company came to get their chairs. Then a different group of housekeepers came to clean the second floor. Then the dry cleaners came to drop off and pick up clothes. Then the facilities folks came to take away the folding tables and out all the furniture in place. So I was kept running most of the day. I did get a couple of loads of clothes washed and did a lot,of arranging of things on a closet that is mostly my husband's casual clothes and removing a lot of winter clothes and bringing out a lot of summer clothes. So the day wasn't a total waste at least.
I'm sorry to say that I got a new zombie novel that is great and I read it most of the day! I downloaded the second book and have been reading it this evening. I kept waiting for everyone to leave so I could go outside to pray and read my Bible, but the next group kept showing up. I finally had to just give up and go to bed. I had hoped to stay awake all day, but couldn't make it.
I think I slept two hours before my husband came home. He decided for us to go pick u our daughter at the train and go get Mexican food. We found a place in Yniers and had an absolutely MISERABLE time! They had a woman singing, and she had a very good voice. But she was singing loud enough for an arena!! We could not hear each other at all and were having to yell at each other. Our food didn't come and didn't come. We had to talk to three people before someone finally brought us our food after almost an hour. I was so close to LOSING IT!! No one ever refilled my water glass and the waitress took away my margarita before I had completely finished it! Never, ever, again!!
We got home and I said, "FRIENDS! Now!!" So my husband and I sat down to watch one, which turned into three. We usually watch two, but this time, my Jack Russell came walking near the couch and I grabbed her up, and she let me hod her and pet her for quite a while. So, after the second show ended, my husband sweetly started a third one just sons could hold my dog some more. She got down after awhile, but then came back and I picked her up again and laid her on my stomach and pet her for an even longer time. I was so happy to get to do this. It's been a few years now that she has been completely uninterested in any of us. She used to sit by me in my armchair in my study while I read or prayed, but she had gotten where she wouldn't even do that anymore. So this was just great!! She's 16 and almost completely deaf, almost completely blind and completely incontinent!! She left so much poop on the kitchen floor last night that I think she only weighed half her usual weight this morning!
It's almost 1:30 now and I've got to hop in the tub to bathe. I'll have to read my Bible on my iPad while I'm in there and then hopefully be able to go to sleep.
I was very sore from exercising yesterday. Too exhausted to do any today, so I decided that every other day might be enough for right now.
Cheers!
Lisa
Well, I seem to have one good day and then on exhausted day. But, hey! That's better than it used to be! I had the whole day mapped out, but woke up simply exhausted.
First, the landscape people came and completely removed the huge wisteria vines on the pergola. The base of one of them is twelve inches across! He said he was once called to cut down a wisteria that had grown into a tree and was bat two and a half feet across. Then first set of house cleaners came to clean the first floor. Then the rental company came to get their chairs. Then a different group of housekeepers came to clean the second floor. Then the dry cleaners came to drop off and pick up clothes. Then the facilities folks came to take away the folding tables and out all the furniture in place. So I was kept running most of the day. I did get a couple of loads of clothes washed and did a lot,of arranging of things on a closet that is mostly my husband's casual clothes and removing a lot of winter clothes and bringing out a lot of summer clothes. So the day wasn't a total waste at least.
I'm sorry to say that I got a new zombie novel that is great and I read it most of the day! I downloaded the second book and have been reading it this evening. I kept waiting for everyone to leave so I could go outside to pray and read my Bible, but the next group kept showing up. I finally had to just give up and go to bed. I had hoped to stay awake all day, but couldn't make it.
I think I slept two hours before my husband came home. He decided for us to go pick u our daughter at the train and go get Mexican food. We found a place in Yniers and had an absolutely MISERABLE time! They had a woman singing, and she had a very good voice. But she was singing loud enough for an arena!! We could not hear each other at all and were having to yell at each other. Our food didn't come and didn't come. We had to talk to three people before someone finally brought us our food after almost an hour. I was so close to LOSING IT!! No one ever refilled my water glass and the waitress took away my margarita before I had completely finished it! Never, ever, again!!
We got home and I said, "FRIENDS! Now!!" So my husband and I sat down to watch one, which turned into three. We usually watch two, but this time, my Jack Russell came walking near the couch and I grabbed her up, and she let me hod her and pet her for quite a while. So, after the second show ended, my husband sweetly started a third one just sons could hold my dog some more. She got down after awhile, but then came back and I picked her up again and laid her on my stomach and pet her for an even longer time. I was so happy to get to do this. It's been a few years now that she has been completely uninterested in any of us. She used to sit by me in my armchair in my study while I read or prayed, but she had gotten where she wouldn't even do that anymore. So this was just great!! She's 16 and almost completely deaf, almost completely blind and completely incontinent!! She left so much poop on the kitchen floor last night that I think she only weighed half her usual weight this morning!
It's almost 1:30 now and I've got to hop in the tub to bathe. I'll have to read my Bible on my iPad while I'm in there and then hopefully be able to go to sleep.
I was very sore from exercising yesterday. Too exhausted to do any today, so I decided that every other day might be enough for right now.
Cheers!
Lisa
Monday, May 4, 2015
Day 55 - Dinner for 21 and Power Went Out!
Dear Friend,
This will be really short and sweet because I am exhausted! I wasn't able to go to sleep until after 4:00 am AGAIN!! I hadn't had any Klonopin for a few days, so I guess that's why the Xanax had no effect on me whatsoever. I had to get on u this morning because the cleaners were going to be here at noon to clean the downstairs for this dinner we had and I had to have everything ready for them. I didn't do dishes last night, but there weren't very many and I got them done quickly. Then I got the laundry room cleaned out really well and finally remembered to bring the large presser upstairs to the dressing room where it will be much more convenient. Since I'm keeping things neater (yay!) getting the downstairs ready went really fast.
I had my prayer time and read my Bible outside with myfeet on the ground. Read a little this morning about electricity and the human body. You know how sodium and potassium a re important minerals? Well, this is the most bizarre thing. The cells of a nerve have mostly sodium inside them and mostly potassium outside of them. Sodium is positively charged and potassium is negatively charged. Well, when the cell is stimulated, it opens, releasing the sodium and then the potassium flows in, and this movement of these two things, creates the electrical charge and triggers the next cell to do the same thing. Pretty wild, huh?
I exercised this morning and I am PATHETIC! I don't think I have any muscles left at all in my legs! Ten leg lifts and I start burning.
We had dinner for a large group of girls tonight who are part of a newly formed Spirit Squad dance team. I had done all of my work and was resting before I had to get ready for the event when, all of a sudden, the power went out! I looked and found every candle I own, and that's a lot, and got them set out. Then I went downstairs and found the screens that can be placed in the double doors in place of the clean plastic window panes. We oiled back the double french doors and used the double screen doors and it was quite pleasant. I had a good time with the girls. I love college girls, and I love my husband and I sitting at either end of the table across from each other, smiling and laughing with them.
Sonatas my short news for the day.
Cheers!
Lisa
This will be really short and sweet because I am exhausted! I wasn't able to go to sleep until after 4:00 am AGAIN!! I hadn't had any Klonopin for a few days, so I guess that's why the Xanax had no effect on me whatsoever. I had to get on u this morning because the cleaners were going to be here at noon to clean the downstairs for this dinner we had and I had to have everything ready for them. I didn't do dishes last night, but there weren't very many and I got them done quickly. Then I got the laundry room cleaned out really well and finally remembered to bring the large presser upstairs to the dressing room where it will be much more convenient. Since I'm keeping things neater (yay!) getting the downstairs ready went really fast.
I had my prayer time and read my Bible outside with myfeet on the ground. Read a little this morning about electricity and the human body. You know how sodium and potassium a re important minerals? Well, this is the most bizarre thing. The cells of a nerve have mostly sodium inside them and mostly potassium outside of them. Sodium is positively charged and potassium is negatively charged. Well, when the cell is stimulated, it opens, releasing the sodium and then the potassium flows in, and this movement of these two things, creates the electrical charge and triggers the next cell to do the same thing. Pretty wild, huh?
I exercised this morning and I am PATHETIC! I don't think I have any muscles left at all in my legs! Ten leg lifts and I start burning.
We had dinner for a large group of girls tonight who are part of a newly formed Spirit Squad dance team. I had done all of my work and was resting before I had to get ready for the event when, all of a sudden, the power went out! I looked and found every candle I own, and that's a lot, and got them set out. Then I went downstairs and found the screens that can be placed in the double doors in place of the clean plastic window panes. We oiled back the double french doors and used the double screen doors and it was quite pleasant. I had a good time with the girls. I love college girls, and I love my husband and I sitting at either end of the table across from each other, smiling and laughing with them.
Sonatas my short news for the day.
Cheers!
Lisa
Sunday, May 3, 2015
Day 55 - Did Some "Grounding" Today
Dear Friend,
Owwwww! Hot burning pain in my right foot. No reason, just there. Welcome to my world.
So, last night I couldn't go to sleep. I was so exhausted, but I could not fall asleep until after 4:00. I had not gotten my Xanax or Klonopin refilled, so I was too tense to get across that sleep threshold. So, today was not a great day because I was pretty zonked, but it was okay.
I didn't try to go to church and had stayed in bed to read my Bible and stuff, when my daughter came in and MADE me get up and go outside! She knows I'm having problems with that, so I guess she took it upon herself to scoot me outside. Of course, before I can go outside I had to clean up four piles of dog poopee and sterilize the floor, which is just so. much. fun.
I just got word from my former housekeeper that her husband was offered a job today. So very, very , VERY thankful for that! He was in the army and the army has been downsizing, and he got turned out, which was a huge disappointment to him. So, this is very, good news. It's so strange that I can sit here in bed in New York and chat with her in Kentucky, where she lives. Texting is the best thing!
But, back to my day. I did go outside and sit at the small wicker dining table under the pergola. This dead wisteria is driving me crazy! They haven't cut it down yet. I don't have very good clippers or I'd be doing it myself. Anyway, I just read my current zombie novel for a while to get used to being there, and then I MADE myself make a decision and order umbrellas for beside the pool and two for the flagstone patio that gets broiling hot during the day. I have been searching for probably a month now! It came down to just making a decision. I was going a little nuts because Amazon has more than a thousand patio umbrellas and I couldn't find one that got all good reviews and I didn't want to lay $200+ for an 11 foot umbrella if it wasn't going to hold up well. I finally started going through just looking for the number of reviews and I found one that had almost 200 reviews with almost a five star rating. And ... the price was UNBELIEVABLE!! I got a ten foot umbrella for by the pool for (wait for it) $55!!!
And I got two nine foot umbrellas for the flagstone patio for $33 each!! Super happy about that! I got all three for less than I thought a single one was going to cost me. I had to order another umbrella base, but I got a very good deal on one of those, too. Better than I was able to find three years ago when I first looked for one.
Have you heard about "earthing" or "grounding"? It's this idea that you need to be in direct don't act with the ground for at least fifteen minutes a day to absorb electrons from the earth's surface. I know it sounds completely crazy. But I downloaded a free book from amazon by the guy who came up with this. He's just a cable tv guy! I can't remember how he got to thinking about this, but he tells about every idea he had and everyone he tried it out on and his efforts, that were finally successful, to get real doctors to do real tests on this theory. The tests came back saying that it was definitely helping in all sorts of diseases, though they aren't sure why. Which has led me to realize that I really do not understand electricity at all! But I know everything in our body is actually powered by electricity and that every neurological message is electrical. You can measure your body's electrical charge. Isn't that strange? I'd never thought about it. I've been doing a tiny bit of research into it. I may have told you a out one experiment I saw where they had flowers in two vases of water and they grounded one vase but not the other. The difference between how the two vases of flowers fared was dramatic! So, I spent a fair amount of time barefoot on the ground today. I figured, what the heck. Can't hurt.
I ate some cheese late last night because I was hungry and there wasn't anything else! No reaction at all. And I ate some this afternoon ... same reason ... and no reaction at all! This is so fabulous. My doctor said she thinks my gut has healed so food particles aren't escaping through the intestines into the blood stream, so no allergic reaction is being triggered, yay! Now I have to remember what it is you're supposed to do to protect your gut. It's taken years to get mine healthy again.
Can you believe it's only 11:39? I may actually be asleep before midnight tonight!
Have a great new week!
Lisa
Owwwww! Hot burning pain in my right foot. No reason, just there. Welcome to my world.
So, last night I couldn't go to sleep. I was so exhausted, but I could not fall asleep until after 4:00. I had not gotten my Xanax or Klonopin refilled, so I was too tense to get across that sleep threshold. So, today was not a great day because I was pretty zonked, but it was okay.
I didn't try to go to church and had stayed in bed to read my Bible and stuff, when my daughter came in and MADE me get up and go outside! She knows I'm having problems with that, so I guess she took it upon herself to scoot me outside. Of course, before I can go outside I had to clean up four piles of dog poopee and sterilize the floor, which is just so. much. fun.
I just got word from my former housekeeper that her husband was offered a job today. So very, very , VERY thankful for that! He was in the army and the army has been downsizing, and he got turned out, which was a huge disappointment to him. So, this is very, good news. It's so strange that I can sit here in bed in New York and chat with her in Kentucky, where she lives. Texting is the best thing!
But, back to my day. I did go outside and sit at the small wicker dining table under the pergola. This dead wisteria is driving me crazy! They haven't cut it down yet. I don't have very good clippers or I'd be doing it myself. Anyway, I just read my current zombie novel for a while to get used to being there, and then I MADE myself make a decision and order umbrellas for beside the pool and two for the flagstone patio that gets broiling hot during the day. I have been searching for probably a month now! It came down to just making a decision. I was going a little nuts because Amazon has more than a thousand patio umbrellas and I couldn't find one that got all good reviews and I didn't want to lay $200+ for an 11 foot umbrella if it wasn't going to hold up well. I finally started going through just looking for the number of reviews and I found one that had almost 200 reviews with almost a five star rating. And ... the price was UNBELIEVABLE!! I got a ten foot umbrella for by the pool for (wait for it) $55!!!
And I got two nine foot umbrellas for the flagstone patio for $33 each!! Super happy about that! I got all three for less than I thought a single one was going to cost me. I had to order another umbrella base, but I got a very good deal on one of those, too. Better than I was able to find three years ago when I first looked for one.
Have you heard about "earthing" or "grounding"? It's this idea that you need to be in direct don't act with the ground for at least fifteen minutes a day to absorb electrons from the earth's surface. I know it sounds completely crazy. But I downloaded a free book from amazon by the guy who came up with this. He's just a cable tv guy! I can't remember how he got to thinking about this, but he tells about every idea he had and everyone he tried it out on and his efforts, that were finally successful, to get real doctors to do real tests on this theory. The tests came back saying that it was definitely helping in all sorts of diseases, though they aren't sure why. Which has led me to realize that I really do not understand electricity at all! But I know everything in our body is actually powered by electricity and that every neurological message is electrical. You can measure your body's electrical charge. Isn't that strange? I'd never thought about it. I've been doing a tiny bit of research into it. I may have told you a out one experiment I saw where they had flowers in two vases of water and they grounded one vase but not the other. The difference between how the two vases of flowers fared was dramatic! So, I spent a fair amount of time barefoot on the ground today. I figured, what the heck. Can't hurt.
I ate some cheese late last night because I was hungry and there wasn't anything else! No reaction at all. And I ate some this afternoon ... same reason ... and no reaction at all! This is so fabulous. My doctor said she thinks my gut has healed so food particles aren't escaping through the intestines into the blood stream, so no allergic reaction is being triggered, yay! Now I have to remember what it is you're supposed to do to protect your gut. It's taken years to get mine healthy again.
Can you believe it's only 11:39? I may actually be asleep before midnight tonight!
Have a great new week!
Lisa
Saturday, May 2, 2015
Day 56 - Girl's Night Out with My Daughter!
Dear Friend, there are lots of ways to keep a heart ache at bay, but surely one of the best is to go with your mom into the city, eat dinner, and then go to a fun off-Broadway play! Today would have been my daughter's fifth anniversary with her boyfriend if she hadn't moved here and broken up, finally, with him. She was dreading the day because she still gets very upset about it. So, we turned it into sun night instead. We went to see That Bachelorette Show and had a really good time. You are on the dance floor most of the time dancing and talking with the characters. It was fun.
This morning I sat outside again. I sat under the pergola which I realized is the top of a hill that slopes down to the campus, so you're very exposed there. I was uncomfortable , but did it. I did not go to the plant sale at the train depot that I had planned on. It was just more than I could do today on my own. I'm sure I'll get over this before long.
I must start strengthening my stupid hip muscles! I had a really hard time with them today. It's beyond optional at this point!
I'm not going to church tomorrow. We got in to late and I'm dead tired. My husband can't go because of something he has to attend.
Oh! I keep forgetting to mention that one thing I'm doing much better at is keeping things neat on a daily basis. I don't have it down great yet, but I'm doing much better than I was.
Cheers.,
Lisa
This morning I sat outside again. I sat under the pergola which I realized is the top of a hill that slopes down to the campus, so you're very exposed there. I was uncomfortable , but did it. I did not go to the plant sale at the train depot that I had planned on. It was just more than I could do today on my own. I'm sure I'll get over this before long.
I must start strengthening my stupid hip muscles! I had a really hard time with them today. It's beyond optional at this point!
I'm not going to church tomorrow. We got in to late and I'm dead tired. My husband can't go because of something he has to attend.
Oh! I keep forgetting to mention that one thing I'm doing much better at is keeping things neat on a daily basis. I don't have it down great yet, but I'm doing much better than I was.
Cheers.,
Lisa
Friday, May 1, 2015
Day 57 - Good Day
Dear Friend,
whew, I'm really sleepy! That's a good thing. Today started off rough. I set my alarm, but didn't turn it on, so I was sound asleep when workers came in the house. They were locksmiths who needed to do work on several of the inside doors. So I called through my bedroom door for them to do two of the other doors before starting on the ones in my bedroom. I tried as best as I could to wake up and got dressed and went it to talk to them. I looked white as a sheet. Seriously. One bathroom door didn't have a lock on it, and one bathroom door wouldn't even latch AND didn't have a lock. My husband's bathroom door had broken and all sorts of other things. It's really weird having separate bathrooms! I'd love to open up the wall between them and redo them into one glorious bathroom! It's not going to happen, of course, but it's nice to dream.
A worker also came out and hung up six of my curtain rods finally. They look really great. The rods haven acted crystal globes at the end that look a lot like the crystal doorknobs all through the house. I told him not to hang the drapes, br he did anyway. They are very wrinkled, I'm going to try steaming them first, but I suspect I will have to iron them. That's going to be a LOT of ironing,
I got a good amount of work done today, though I did not leave the house and do any errands. I blamed it on there being people in the house all day, but the truth was that I didn't want to leave. I also out off having a prayer time till the last minute because I had determined that I was going to sit outside to pray ... and that was hard. Al I could do was sit there looking at all the work that needed to be done, but I did go outside and have my prayer time. I have to claim this space and make it mine.
Tomorrow is a big day. I hope to be able to clean all of the rest of my cushions. They took the pressure washer back for some work they were doing, but they're supposed to let me use it Saturday. Then I found some stuff that yu spray onto cushions to make them waterproof. I'm definitely going to do that! That will help a whole lot.
There's supposed to be a plant sale tomorrow down at the train depot. I need to buy a BUNCH of flowers!
We have a very important dinner with all of the trustees and all sorts of other people next week ... I think it's next weekl. I've been looking for the perfect dress to wear because I don't think I have anything that's right for it. Especially my first time to go when I don't really know hw people dress. I was advised to wear a cocktail-length dress ... and that was the extent of the advice. I know when in doubt, you're supposed to dress down a little, it's better to be slightly under-dressed than over-dressed, and I know I want to wear navy. So I fnd two wonderful dresses in modcloth and a gorgeous pair of retro heels in navy! One of our school colors is navy and I want to "represent"! I also ordered a few other pairs of navy shoes all on incredible sales on 6pm! I wish I had learned about this site sooner. I don't think a single one cost more than $30 something.
Tomorrow is a big, big day for our daughter. It would have been the fifth anniversary for her and her boyfriend. So it's working out that she and I are going into the city tomorrow night for dinner and to watch an off-Broadway show her company is producing. For free! So that should be fun. And she's getting her hair cut tomorrow which should lift her spirits considerably. She learned today that the owner is already talking about possibly hiring her at the end of the internship because she's doing such a good job. That would be so wonderful!
I hope you have a great weekend!
Lisa
whew, I'm really sleepy! That's a good thing. Today started off rough. I set my alarm, but didn't turn it on, so I was sound asleep when workers came in the house. They were locksmiths who needed to do work on several of the inside doors. So I called through my bedroom door for them to do two of the other doors before starting on the ones in my bedroom. I tried as best as I could to wake up and got dressed and went it to talk to them. I looked white as a sheet. Seriously. One bathroom door didn't have a lock on it, and one bathroom door wouldn't even latch AND didn't have a lock. My husband's bathroom door had broken and all sorts of other things. It's really weird having separate bathrooms! I'd love to open up the wall between them and redo them into one glorious bathroom! It's not going to happen, of course, but it's nice to dream.
A worker also came out and hung up six of my curtain rods finally. They look really great. The rods haven acted crystal globes at the end that look a lot like the crystal doorknobs all through the house. I told him not to hang the drapes, br he did anyway. They are very wrinkled, I'm going to try steaming them first, but I suspect I will have to iron them. That's going to be a LOT of ironing,
I got a good amount of work done today, though I did not leave the house and do any errands. I blamed it on there being people in the house all day, but the truth was that I didn't want to leave. I also out off having a prayer time till the last minute because I had determined that I was going to sit outside to pray ... and that was hard. Al I could do was sit there looking at all the work that needed to be done, but I did go outside and have my prayer time. I have to claim this space and make it mine.
Tomorrow is a big day. I hope to be able to clean all of the rest of my cushions. They took the pressure washer back for some work they were doing, but they're supposed to let me use it Saturday. Then I found some stuff that yu spray onto cushions to make them waterproof. I'm definitely going to do that! That will help a whole lot.
There's supposed to be a plant sale tomorrow down at the train depot. I need to buy a BUNCH of flowers!
We have a very important dinner with all of the trustees and all sorts of other people next week ... I think it's next weekl. I've been looking for the perfect dress to wear because I don't think I have anything that's right for it. Especially my first time to go when I don't really know hw people dress. I was advised to wear a cocktail-length dress ... and that was the extent of the advice. I know when in doubt, you're supposed to dress down a little, it's better to be slightly under-dressed than over-dressed, and I know I want to wear navy. So I fnd two wonderful dresses in modcloth and a gorgeous pair of retro heels in navy! One of our school colors is navy and I want to "represent"! I also ordered a few other pairs of navy shoes all on incredible sales on 6pm! I wish I had learned about this site sooner. I don't think a single one cost more than $30 something.
Tomorrow is a big, big day for our daughter. It would have been the fifth anniversary for her and her boyfriend. So it's working out that she and I are going into the city tomorrow night for dinner and to watch an off-Broadway show her company is producing. For free! So that should be fun. And she's getting her hair cut tomorrow which should lift her spirits considerably. She learned today that the owner is already talking about possibly hiring her at the end of the internship because she's doing such a good job. That would be so wonderful!
I hope you have a great weekend!
Lisa
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