Day ... -
Dear Reader,
Interesting day. Gave me a lot to think about. I woke up around 8:30 and almost felt like I could get up. But I fell back asleep and slept till around 10:30. I was disappointed in myself for falling back asleep for so long, but it had decided to let it new one of those days when I let myself just sleep till I woke up. But then, I didn't get up. I just laid there looking out towards the staircase through one door, and through the dressing room and down a hall through the other door, full of a deep hesitancy to get out of bed. I tried to examine it and figure out what I was feeling and realized that it was fear. I think I've talked about this before, that I used to just stay in bed for hours during the summer because it was safe in bed. My mother never made us get up for some reason. If it was the weekend, she would be screaming at my dad, so the bed was for sure the safest place to be. I tried to examine the fear some more and realized that I could feel the fear in my stomach. I've been asked for and heard people talk about where they felt fear, and that never made sense to me until now.
I had a revelation, though. I realized that I was, by staying in bed, continuing to enact the role of the victim, the child who was the victims of her mother's mental illness. But by staying in bed now, as an adult, I am still acting like a victim. To get up and be in charge of my day would be enacting the role of the heroine, the adult who was no ones victim and was in charge of her life and home. By caving to the feeling of fear and staying in bed, I was actually reinforcing my prior victimization. Safety no longer lies in remaining in bed. Safety lies in inhabiting my role as the woman who is no longer under the domination of a seriously mentally I'll mother.
There was a lot more today, but I'm ready to go to sleep. The power is out and I have no internet and no husband (he's at an event) so I'm going on to sleep.
Hope all is well in your world!
Lisa
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