Dear Companion,
I expected to get so much work done Saturday, remember? Well, that didn't happen. My anxiety just went sky-high as I was working in our sons room, and I couldn't get ahold of it. No self-talk would bring it down or anything. I finally sat down because I could not keep working, and then wound up so weak and panic-stricken that I was on the floor in a fetal position. For a long time. Completely caught me by surprise. I had not had my klonopin that morning, or my beta blocker, or anything else. I just got up and started working. I had completely forgotten what a horrible, HORRIBLE feeling that is! Incapacitating. As I lay in the floor and felt the extreme panic begin to roll off, I plotted a very precise course of action for when I felt I could get up. I would put the piece of packing paper I was laying on in the box. Then I would go to my bathroom and wash my face,pick up my makeup bag, and go downstairs. There I would get the box of gluten-free cookies and sit down and watch an episode of Glee while I ate my cookies and out on my makeup. It took one and a half Glee's to get pretty calmed down. The chocolate cookies were my way of telling myself that I was okay, I was safe, and I was taking care of myself. Grow up hungry and things like that are important to you. My mother, literally, never prepared me an afternoon snack of any kind my entire life. So, it was a very rough day. My husband came home from his things after I was functioning a little again. I told him about it and I could tell he was discouraged by it. Especially since this hasn't happened for YEARS.
I spent some time trying to figure it out, and I think it has to do with my not telephoning or texting my mother regularly. I'm really trying to break that up so that it is completely unpredictable. This would have, in previous years, left me vulnerable to extreme retaliation. One time, years ago, I didn't invite her to go see a movie with us, and she went on a nine month suicidal period. I can remember being almost paralyzed with fright at times when she was away and I didn't know what kind of state she would be in when she came back home. Maybe it had to do with realizing from my last therapy session that my mother is not the sweet, kind woman who shows up sometimes. She is that person, but she is the living terror also. I am not keeping her placated by calling daily and that just snuck up and took me out.
Today was better. But I couldn't sleep last night and finally took a whole Xanax to go to sleep which caused me to sleep till almost 1:00. I felt good and refreshed, though, when I woke up. So I have mountains of work to get taken care of tomorrow!!!
My daughter and I both need coats for our new climate. My husband has two long cashmere coats that were super expensive, even though he got them on sale. And he has a real good, long trench coat with a heavy lining in it, so he's good. I bought a long, heavy, dressy coat from talbots last spring on half-price just in case we moved here. But my raincoat is several years old and was no longer rain resistant last season, and our daughter doesn't have a rain coat at all. We both have short, quilted car coats, but I don't think either of us can fasten them now, and they are very lightweight. Macys had most of their heavy coats on half-price sale with an extra 15% off tonight, so I got us taken care of. I don't know if these things will be warm enough or not. But I do have a long, puffy coat for when it gets really cold.
I emailed my designer last night with my three biggest design dilemmas. I felt better handing those over to her. I hope I hear back from her tomorrow. One of the problems, though, had to do with wallpaper in my bathroom, and I do believe I happened upon a paper that will work and that I like this evening ... And that is on sale!
So, it's late now, but I feel,like I finally got some things moving. I found fans for Amy's room and the den and ordered them. And I think I have found a nice fan for our bedroom, but haven't ordered it yet. So, things are coming along.
Never missing my klonopin again, or running it of it again, I can tell you that for sure!
Have a great week! Cheers!
Lisa
P.S. , I got a sapphire trench coat for myself. I don't want to one of a million in black! So dreary. Now ... maybe some beautiful galoshes?? I gave mine away before we moved here because they were so incredibly heavy I could hardly wear them, and hurt my feet badly. Finding really cheap ones on amazon. I was a little worried because the ones in the department stores were running $79-199!! But these are only around $25, so that's okay.
Night night
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