Dear Friend,
Last week definitely had it's challenges. For one thing, depression was bad and anxiety was high. I am such an empath. I spent years trying to beat it out of me, but it's part of me. And my husband is having a rough go of it getting this college turned around. So I sense immediately any irritation, anger, quick-temperedness, discouragement, etc. immediately. With me not being terribly stable right now, it triggers all of my abandonment issues and terror of conflict, etc. I had that one good day of waking up early and staying awake, but I haven't had another. In fact, the next day, I could NOT wake up at all! I never heard the alarm or even noticed the light come on for the hour and a half that it continues. And I had one dream after another after another after another of my husband breaking up with me in college. It went on until 11:30 when I managed to get myself out of sleep's clutches. It was pretty upsetting. The other days have had bad dreams, but not to the extent of this one. I don't think I got over it the whole day. I think subconsciously myhusband's preoccupation tells my fearful subconscious that he's going to break up with me. My psychologist said were going to address this this coming week.
But we had a great time for Valentine's Day and the next day was my birthday. We had a six-course dinner at a Ritz-Carlton with our daughter and then, for my birthday, just the two of us went to a charming French bistro in one of the neighboring villages where I was able to get some absinthe, which I LOVE!
We talked about what's been going on between us and I'm feeling a lot better. Feel like I kind of shaking off that depression and the blinders it had out on me where I couldn't see anything he did except in a rejection sort of way. So, I kind of feel like I'm starting fresh tomorrow.
Soooo ... I've come to a conclusion. I'm taking exercise out of the goal list for right now. I am very close to being finished with the library and my son's bedroom. And then that will leave me with one large box in my study and a small one that is full of bits and pieces from different Bible studies I've written. I came across the article I wrote that was accepted by a major Christian magazine which went under before it bought and paid for it or published it. It was so horrendously discouraging that I just put it aside for years about three years now. Well, I started reading it again and, it really is very good! Heavy on theology, but made interesting and personal because it is abut dealing with the extreme fear of death I used to have.
Anyway, I just want to finish the house really, really badly. I have the curtain rods ordered for my bedroom at last, and for our son's room. My husband is now handling the issues regarding not being able to get the company we subcontract facilitities to to come out and take care of things. Hopefully I'll start seeing some action soon. The only thin left are two light fixtures for my study, and figuring out what I want to do for window treatments in there. Rupiahs now I'm thinking some luxurious lavender drapes for the two windows in the room that has my sofa and all. And maybe just stained glass transoms in the sunroom part of the study.
I am seeing the neurology specialist in Manhattan tomorrow at long last. I hope that goes well.
I had almost decided that I wouldn't be able to go to the seminary I had picked t because it looks like all the courses I want to take are at their Manhattan campus ... and it is moving all the way south down to Block Island. But then I realized that that really wouldn't be a worse drive than going to LaGuardia, which isn't bad at all.
I ate wheat and cheese and dairy liberally over the last two days with no real I'll effects. I'm quitting now, again, though. My CRP inflammation level is back up to a 10, which is super, extremely bad.
We are having guests stay with us in March during a conference our college is putting on, and then have family coming up for my husband's inauguration ceremony in April. By then it's time to start planting every flower pot I have, and maybe starting a vegetable garden, too. I'd love to have the basement finished by then, too! (Please hear Arrowsmith singing "Dream On" in the background at the point where he's really screaming!).
Well, that's it for me. No more fighting myself to try to get myself to quit working to go to jazzercise or yoga. It's just another month, probably.
Oh, I'm getting back on Xanax at night. My psychologist said I don't have an addictive personality, I haven't become addictive, I'm taking one pill that is the smallest dosage they make, so just get back on it. So that puts me back to taking the klonopin in the morning instead of at night and that alone should make waking up easier. I sure hope so.
Good night. I hope you have a great week!
Lisa
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