Day 124 -Throwing In the Towel

Dear Friend,

This will be brief.  I am so extremely discouraged right now.  This has been a pretty major meltdown/loss of nerve day with a lot of depression.  

I didn't have any cortisol this morning to take ... so I didn't wake up until noon.  That was twelve hours of sleep with a radio alarm playing loudly right by my head with the wake-up light on in my face until it turned off after an hour and a half without even razing me.  I was so discouraged, I just want to give up.  I feel like I want to go to a deserted cabin in some woods for a couple of weeks and just wail and cry and pray until I get something somehow FIXED inside.  

I don't know what to do.  At all.  What am I supposed to DO???

I tell myself 1) you've gotten to a specialist finally, 2) you have a lead on two churches, 3) you have a lead on a women's Bible study, 4) you are nearly through unpacking the top two stories of the house, 5) you're planning on going to seminary part-time in the fall, 6) I've made a lot of progress decorating the top story of the house, 7) I've got a pretty good doctor.   

But it's not helping.  

I can't have the autonomic nervous system disorder tested until the middle of April.  The nephrologist my doctor wants me to see doesn't take referrals from anyone except liver doctors.  

And it doesn't help that we went to a restaurant tonight where I had a salad with a vinaigrette and within two bites a whole bunch of taste buds fell off!  Have you heard of this?  It's called geographic tongue because the patches where your taste buds fall off look sort of like a map.  To some person who had a really strange imagination.  Hurts really bad when this happens and that patch of the tongue becomes completely smooth and shiny until the taste buds grow back.  

And now, when I tried to lay down my uvula was spasming and "popping" against my hard palate, I guess.  

I am at the end of my wits and have used up what bit of courage I had.  

Lisa