... for they shall get their children in the same car!
Dear Companion,
today was our daughter's last day in Nashville and it was drenched in tears. And then she and her brother got in a big fight via texting and then they were both texting me. She was saying, please don't make me drive with him and he was saying talk to yr daughter or she'll be making this trip by herself! Our son was, as best as I can figure it out, in a very testy mood and, when he learned she would be an hour late being ready to leave was cross with her and it went downhill from there. I called her and she was crying her heart out. Couldn't hardly breathe and everything. It was a while before I could get her calm enough to understand what was going on. She said she was exhausted and she didn't want to leave that night, the weather was bad and she just wanted to go to bed and make the trip by herself in the morning. I told her she didn't have to have him drive her and that calmed her down some. Then explained how to examine any situation like this in terms of power. By crying and getting hysterical, she was giving him all the power in the situation. Instead, now knowing that she could make the trip on her own, she could retake her personal power in the situation and tell him that she could not be there until 9:00. She would like for him to go with her, but if he didn't want to, then that was fine, she would drive up on her own the next day. I told her that we wouldn't want her on the road at night, so she'd have to be prepared to stop at hotels on the way up here and that I thought it was better for her if she did come up with her brother. That he had been very testy to her, which we were used to, but we just hadn't seen him be like this for a long time and it was the straw on her back which was why she had gotten so upset by it. Then I got off the phone with her and called our son, but he was working and couldn't talk but said he could text. So I texted him that it sneed like he had been harsh with her, did he feel like he had been? And that she was terribly upset and crying so hard she couldn't get her breath. He texted back saying that she had been rude to him, etc. I said that it didn't do any good for me to go through a discussion of who said what to who, but it sounded like they had each been sharp with the other and each of them were on edge and so took everything worse. Could he consider texting her and saying he hadn't meant to upset her and just to try to get there as soon as he could, that way he didn't have to admit fault, but could smooth things out with her. To my surprise he asked me to text her, he was at work after all, and tell her he was sorry and that they'd leave when she got there. So I called her and she was still crying pretty bad, but she agreed. I had some good news for her from her father about a person in a very incredible business who wanted her to come see him for interviewing help and then was going to send her to some people in his business to see if they had a place for her. If I told you what the company was, you'd be thrilled for her! She was excited/terrified. I told her that was the thing. Stay in Tennessee and work at Wal-Mart, or come to New York and have a shot at something like this. She definitely doesn't want to stay in Tennessee if it means working some low-level job. I'm watching them on the AT&T family map and they are getting close to being across Tennessee now. She just needs to find a job, soon! That will help her out so much in this big transition. And, hopefully our son will like what he sees up here and think about moving up here, too.
So, my visit with my therapist yesterday was pretty important. We talked about the huge panic attack. I'm not sure that I have this all straight, but I'll try to put it together as best as I understand it at this point. I told her that the understanding that I was trying to say my mother was only this occasionally very nice person, and all the other stuff was just her mental illness, not her was distorting who she was. And that she actually is ALL the moms I experience. She was the nice, companionable, kind mother, but she was also the terrifying, raging person who could change on a dime and suddenly attack. And that I thought that that realization made the fact that I am no longer calling her every day put me in a place of real danger from her. That I was, in her terms, no longer "placating the beast" and it became slowly overwhelming to the point that I was so afraid I could not even stay in a chair. That it brought back the feelings in the past of being terrified out of my mind about how she was going to react to some perceived slight to the point of being completely unable to function. And that's what happened last Saturday. I became unable to function. She asked how long the whole thing had taken. I think it grew on me for about three hours, just the increasing sense of dis-ease fore I was on the floor. And I was on the floor for maybe 30 minutes. I told her what my doctor said about taking a Xanax and she asked me why I hadn't. I said that I had wanted to be able to deal with it without a medicine and just push my way through it. And that it just would have out me to sleep. So she asked me if I had been able to get much work done while I was in that distress and I said no. It was too intense. So she pointed out that I could have taken a Xanax and fallen asleep for three hours which would have been healthier for me and wouldn't have made a big difference in how much work I got done. I told her how, once the horrible feeling began to ease up some, I started making detailed plans for what I would do. I would get the piece of packing paper I was lying on and put it in the box it had come out of. Then I would wash my face and get my makeup, go downstairs and get some gluten-free chocolate cookies and a Coke Zero and watch a Glee (she totally gets Glee, which was nice). And I rehearsed that in my mind until I felt I could pull it off. She said that was all very good.
In talking though all of this, I rally liked something she said. She said it was her fault. That's not something you here anyone say very often, much less a psychologist. But she said it was her fault because she "unveiled" a truth about my mother too quickly and I wasn't prepared for it and was left vulnerable to it which wa what caused the anxiety. That she should have done what they call "inoculation" where they prepare someone for something before they help the to see it. She said that I have been calling her regularly and seeing her regularly not because I want to, but because it was my way of placating her and keeping her acting like that nice person. So as long as I was doing that, I was experiencing this "nice" mother. By showing me that I was distorting who she was by saying that nice person was the real person caused me to see that she is, also, the terrible, horrible person who I have moved away from and am no longer keeping her nice by constant contact. So my psyche suddenly perceived itself to be in grave danger. She didn't say that last thing, but that's my understanding of the gist of what she said. There was more to all of this, but that's all I was able to hand on to. At one point I was frustrated and asked why I couldn't keep this together? Why I couldn't understand it all and hold on to that understanding and keep it all in a nice little ball. She said it is because I am left with terror in me and terror is ... what did she say? Terror creates disorganized thinking, so you can't get yr thinking about something of which you are terrified nicely organized and chronicled and indexed and keep it that way, because the terror itself is unstructured and destructures your ability to understand it. Wow. That was hard to out in words. I'm not sure I've got it right even now, and then she laughed and said, "were not going to try to get it into a ball anyway". I said, "oh ... then I don't need my metaphorical ball?" And she said no, I didn't. That we are going to try to out it into a narrative. That that is the goal. Okeydoke, then. A narrative it shall be. I really ... oh wait. She said something else that I don't think I completely grasped. I said something about being broken ... and she said something about how I was not broken. My psyche was damaged, but I was not broken by that damage.
So, that the news from my little spot in the universe.
Cheers!
Lisa
Friday, October 31, 2014
Wednesday, October 29, 2014
Day 230 - Even Worse Day!
Dear Reader,
The dysautonomia was really, really had today. I had set my medicine in a different place and so I forgot to take it last night and this morning, too. I was freezing cold ths morning and couldn't get my body temperature up even though I turned the heat on and was clutching a heating pad. I went ahead and ordered an electric blanket today, which should help with that in the future. And I've learned that the electric company will install a new thermostat that you can control with your smart phone and schedule the heat to come on at a certain time. I'm going to request that this be done and that should help, too.
But I also could not get my blood pressure to come up at all. So I just kept falling asleep and felt like crap whenever I'd try to wake up. Couple of things that contributed to this. One is that night before last I stayed u until almost 3:00 am working on all kinds of house issues that had to be settled. So I only got six hours of sleep, and then last night was mynhusband's birthday, so we went it and saw a movie and got a late dinner, so I was I late again with that. Then forgetting two doses of my beta blocker just clenched the deal.
Everything will get better once the house is finished and my stress load lightens up. It's just this long in-between-time that is being really hard two and three crews of men have been in the house each day. One set was breaking open all the windows which were sealed shut with paint. That entailed hammering all day long for two and a half days, which just had the dogs going crazy.
But the house is now a terrible disaster and our friends come in tomorrow night! And our daughter and son come in sometime the next night or during the day on Friday. So, I absolutely HAVE to feel better tomorrow!
The place on my arm is going to have to be cut off by a dermatologist because my doctor doesn't cut that deep.
My right big two has "reduced capillary action" and is causing me crazy bad pain. There's a new lump on a joint so I have to go see a podiatrist to find out what's going on there,especially with the lack of circulations. Get in a hot tub and the toe goes bone white, so something is impairing the blood flow.
I called to verify my MRI this morning only to learn that the new place did not make me an appointment and,if they got the fax with the prescription and the insurance authorization,they don't know what became of it because I'm not in their computer system. If it didn't hurt so bad, I'd just give up.
I met with the designer from Ethan Allen wh has left there and branched out other own with a partner to talk to them about helping me with getting the family areas finished. I'm just so dead tired and feel like I can't make another decision. We had a good time, except that in felt absolutely awful and looked worse!
So, if you pray, I would appreciate some prayers up here!
Maybe I'll have a more cheerful post tomorrow. Oh, when I told my doctor that I had this huge anxiety attack and wound up lying on the floor in a fetal position for a good while, she asked me if I took a Xanax and I said no. Moshe asked why not and I said because indent like taking them and was trying to get through it without one. She laughed and said, you know ... fetal position ... on the floor ... THATS the time to take a Xanax!!
Oh ... one tiny bit of good news is that i found silver, light-blocking drapes in amazon that I think will work in my daughter's bedroom on sale from $70 a panel to $19 a panel. And ... I just now realized that I only ordered two panels, not the four I needed! Oh well. I'll see how these look and go from there.
Cheers! (Sort of!)
Lisa
The dysautonomia was really, really had today. I had set my medicine in a different place and so I forgot to take it last night and this morning, too. I was freezing cold ths morning and couldn't get my body temperature up even though I turned the heat on and was clutching a heating pad. I went ahead and ordered an electric blanket today, which should help with that in the future. And I've learned that the electric company will install a new thermostat that you can control with your smart phone and schedule the heat to come on at a certain time. I'm going to request that this be done and that should help, too.
But I also could not get my blood pressure to come up at all. So I just kept falling asleep and felt like crap whenever I'd try to wake up. Couple of things that contributed to this. One is that night before last I stayed u until almost 3:00 am working on all kinds of house issues that had to be settled. So I only got six hours of sleep, and then last night was mynhusband's birthday, so we went it and saw a movie and got a late dinner, so I was I late again with that. Then forgetting two doses of my beta blocker just clenched the deal.
Everything will get better once the house is finished and my stress load lightens up. It's just this long in-between-time that is being really hard two and three crews of men have been in the house each day. One set was breaking open all the windows which were sealed shut with paint. That entailed hammering all day long for two and a half days, which just had the dogs going crazy.
But the house is now a terrible disaster and our friends come in tomorrow night! And our daughter and son come in sometime the next night or during the day on Friday. So, I absolutely HAVE to feel better tomorrow!
The place on my arm is going to have to be cut off by a dermatologist because my doctor doesn't cut that deep.
My right big two has "reduced capillary action" and is causing me crazy bad pain. There's a new lump on a joint so I have to go see a podiatrist to find out what's going on there,especially with the lack of circulations. Get in a hot tub and the toe goes bone white, so something is impairing the blood flow.
I called to verify my MRI this morning only to learn that the new place did not make me an appointment and,if they got the fax with the prescription and the insurance authorization,they don't know what became of it because I'm not in their computer system. If it didn't hurt so bad, I'd just give up.
I met with the designer from Ethan Allen wh has left there and branched out other own with a partner to talk to them about helping me with getting the family areas finished. I'm just so dead tired and feel like I can't make another decision. We had a good time, except that in felt absolutely awful and looked worse!
So, if you pray, I would appreciate some prayers up here!
Maybe I'll have a more cheerful post tomorrow. Oh, when I told my doctor that I had this huge anxiety attack and wound up lying on the floor in a fetal position for a good while, she asked me if I took a Xanax and I said no. Moshe asked why not and I said because indent like taking them and was trying to get through it without one. She laughed and said, you know ... fetal position ... on the floor ... THATS the time to take a Xanax!!
Oh ... one tiny bit of good news is that i found silver, light-blocking drapes in amazon that I think will work in my daughter's bedroom on sale from $70 a panel to $19 a panel. And ... I just now realized that I only ordered two panels, not the four I needed! Oh well. I'll see how these look and go from there.
Cheers! (Sort of!)
Lisa
Monday, October 27, 2014
Day 232 - AWFUL DAY'
Dear Reader,
I'm not going to go into my whole day. I'll just say that there are at LEAST as many incompetent people up here in administrative positions as there has ever been in the South. Someday everything I went through today trying to get the MRI taken of my shoulder will be funny. But not right now. Still don't have an appointment and I am really in bad bad pain almost all the time now. Definitely not funny.
Plus, I am not feeling kindly towards my family at all. Again, not going into all the details, but I've been trying to have a nice conversation via email with my oldest brother. But he just utterly ignored every bit of my kind of chatty letter and just focused in ine thing I said and used it to make a statement basically saying how vastly superior he is to everyone else. What's more surprising is that I actually let it hurt me. Pretty badly.
Then later I called my mother and every bit of the conversation was like a sword fight. She was contentious about everything. She said she was going to drive to an amtrak station two hours away to see what kind of security they have for her car. I,said,that she might phone them first, and she interrupted me about how she wanted to see for herself, she didn't trust people to say the truth on the phone and she wasn't one of those people who just go on what people say! She wants to KNOW! So she's going to make a four hour round trip to do this. Since she had interrupted me before going off on this rant, I just said, "well, what I was going to say was that you might call them before you make that drive because they may tell you that they don't have any security for cars." To that she said, "Oh."
I did finally get all of the upstairs paint picked out and even found a wallpaper for my bathroom. The designer I was working with is coming on Wednesday to help me figure out the family area of the house which is a relief.
It's almost 2:00 and I haven't read my Bible yet. Tomorrow is my husband's birthday. Got to get myself into a better mood before the morning comes!
Hope you had a better day and have less annoying family members!
Lisa
I'm not going to go into my whole day. I'll just say that there are at LEAST as many incompetent people up here in administrative positions as there has ever been in the South. Someday everything I went through today trying to get the MRI taken of my shoulder will be funny. But not right now. Still don't have an appointment and I am really in bad bad pain almost all the time now. Definitely not funny.
Plus, I am not feeling kindly towards my family at all. Again, not going into all the details, but I've been trying to have a nice conversation via email with my oldest brother. But he just utterly ignored every bit of my kind of chatty letter and just focused in ine thing I said and used it to make a statement basically saying how vastly superior he is to everyone else. What's more surprising is that I actually let it hurt me. Pretty badly.
Then later I called my mother and every bit of the conversation was like a sword fight. She was contentious about everything. She said she was going to drive to an amtrak station two hours away to see what kind of security they have for her car. I,said,that she might phone them first, and she interrupted me about how she wanted to see for herself, she didn't trust people to say the truth on the phone and she wasn't one of those people who just go on what people say! She wants to KNOW! So she's going to make a four hour round trip to do this. Since she had interrupted me before going off on this rant, I just said, "well, what I was going to say was that you might call them before you make that drive because they may tell you that they don't have any security for cars." To that she said, "Oh."
I did finally get all of the upstairs paint picked out and even found a wallpaper for my bathroom. The designer I was working with is coming on Wednesday to help me figure out the family area of the house which is a relief.
It's almost 2:00 and I haven't read my Bible yet. Tomorrow is my husband's birthday. Got to get myself into a better mood before the morning comes!
Hope you had a better day and have less annoying family members!
Lisa
Sunday, October 26, 2014
Day 233 - Worst Anxiety Attack in Years
Dear Companion,
I expected to get so much work done Saturday, remember? Well, that didn't happen. My anxiety just went sky-high as I was working in our sons room, and I couldn't get ahold of it. No self-talk would bring it down or anything. I finally sat down because I could not keep working, and then wound up so weak and panic-stricken that I was on the floor in a fetal position. For a long time. Completely caught me by surprise. I had not had my klonopin that morning, or my beta blocker, or anything else. I just got up and started working. I had completely forgotten what a horrible, HORRIBLE feeling that is! Incapacitating. As I lay in the floor and felt the extreme panic begin to roll off, I plotted a very precise course of action for when I felt I could get up. I would put the piece of packing paper I was laying on in the box. Then I would go to my bathroom and wash my face,pick up my makeup bag, and go downstairs. There I would get the box of gluten-free cookies and sit down and watch an episode of Glee while I ate my cookies and out on my makeup. It took one and a half Glee's to get pretty calmed down. The chocolate cookies were my way of telling myself that I was okay, I was safe, and I was taking care of myself. Grow up hungry and things like that are important to you. My mother, literally, never prepared me an afternoon snack of any kind my entire life. So, it was a very rough day. My husband came home from his things after I was functioning a little again. I told him about it and I could tell he was discouraged by it. Especially since this hasn't happened for YEARS.
I spent some time trying to figure it out, and I think it has to do with my not telephoning or texting my mother regularly. I'm really trying to break that up so that it is completely unpredictable. This would have, in previous years, left me vulnerable to extreme retaliation. One time, years ago, I didn't invite her to go see a movie with us, and she went on a nine month suicidal period. I can remember being almost paralyzed with fright at times when she was away and I didn't know what kind of state she would be in when she came back home. Maybe it had to do with realizing from my last therapy session that my mother is not the sweet, kind woman who shows up sometimes. She is that person, but she is the living terror also. I am not keeping her placated by calling daily and that just snuck up and took me out.
Today was better. But I couldn't sleep last night and finally took a whole Xanax to go to sleep which caused me to sleep till almost 1:00. I felt good and refreshed, though, when I woke up. So I have mountains of work to get taken care of tomorrow!!!
My daughter and I both need coats for our new climate. My husband has two long cashmere coats that were super expensive, even though he got them on sale. And he has a real good, long trench coat with a heavy lining in it, so he's good. I bought a long, heavy, dressy coat from talbots last spring on half-price just in case we moved here. But my raincoat is several years old and was no longer rain resistant last season, and our daughter doesn't have a rain coat at all. We both have short, quilted car coats, but I don't think either of us can fasten them now, and they are very lightweight. Macys had most of their heavy coats on half-price sale with an extra 15% off tonight, so I got us taken care of. I don't know if these things will be warm enough or not. But I do have a long, puffy coat for when it gets really cold.
I emailed my designer last night with my three biggest design dilemmas. I felt better handing those over to her. I hope I hear back from her tomorrow. One of the problems, though, had to do with wallpaper in my bathroom, and I do believe I happened upon a paper that will work and that I like this evening ... And that is on sale!
So, it's late now, but I feel,like I finally got some things moving. I found fans for Amy's room and the den and ordered them. And I think I have found a nice fan for our bedroom, but haven't ordered it yet. So, things are coming along.
Never missing my klonopin again, or running it of it again, I can tell you that for sure!
Have a great week! Cheers!
Lisa
P.S. , I got a sapphire trench coat for myself. I don't want to one of a million in black! So dreary. Now ... maybe some beautiful galoshes?? I gave mine away before we moved here because they were so incredibly heavy I could hardly wear them, and hurt my feet badly. Finding really cheap ones on amazon. I was a little worried because the ones in the department stores were running $79-199!! But these are only around $25, so that's okay.
Night night
I expected to get so much work done Saturday, remember? Well, that didn't happen. My anxiety just went sky-high as I was working in our sons room, and I couldn't get ahold of it. No self-talk would bring it down or anything. I finally sat down because I could not keep working, and then wound up so weak and panic-stricken that I was on the floor in a fetal position. For a long time. Completely caught me by surprise. I had not had my klonopin that morning, or my beta blocker, or anything else. I just got up and started working. I had completely forgotten what a horrible, HORRIBLE feeling that is! Incapacitating. As I lay in the floor and felt the extreme panic begin to roll off, I plotted a very precise course of action for when I felt I could get up. I would put the piece of packing paper I was laying on in the box. Then I would go to my bathroom and wash my face,pick up my makeup bag, and go downstairs. There I would get the box of gluten-free cookies and sit down and watch an episode of Glee while I ate my cookies and out on my makeup. It took one and a half Glee's to get pretty calmed down. The chocolate cookies were my way of telling myself that I was okay, I was safe, and I was taking care of myself. Grow up hungry and things like that are important to you. My mother, literally, never prepared me an afternoon snack of any kind my entire life. So, it was a very rough day. My husband came home from his things after I was functioning a little again. I told him about it and I could tell he was discouraged by it. Especially since this hasn't happened for YEARS.
I spent some time trying to figure it out, and I think it has to do with my not telephoning or texting my mother regularly. I'm really trying to break that up so that it is completely unpredictable. This would have, in previous years, left me vulnerable to extreme retaliation. One time, years ago, I didn't invite her to go see a movie with us, and she went on a nine month suicidal period. I can remember being almost paralyzed with fright at times when she was away and I didn't know what kind of state she would be in when she came back home. Maybe it had to do with realizing from my last therapy session that my mother is not the sweet, kind woman who shows up sometimes. She is that person, but she is the living terror also. I am not keeping her placated by calling daily and that just snuck up and took me out.
Today was better. But I couldn't sleep last night and finally took a whole Xanax to go to sleep which caused me to sleep till almost 1:00. I felt good and refreshed, though, when I woke up. So I have mountains of work to get taken care of tomorrow!!!
My daughter and I both need coats for our new climate. My husband has two long cashmere coats that were super expensive, even though he got them on sale. And he has a real good, long trench coat with a heavy lining in it, so he's good. I bought a long, heavy, dressy coat from talbots last spring on half-price just in case we moved here. But my raincoat is several years old and was no longer rain resistant last season, and our daughter doesn't have a rain coat at all. We both have short, quilted car coats, but I don't think either of us can fasten them now, and they are very lightweight. Macys had most of their heavy coats on half-price sale with an extra 15% off tonight, so I got us taken care of. I don't know if these things will be warm enough or not. But I do have a long, puffy coat for when it gets really cold.
I emailed my designer last night with my three biggest design dilemmas. I felt better handing those over to her. I hope I hear back from her tomorrow. One of the problems, though, had to do with wallpaper in my bathroom, and I do believe I happened upon a paper that will work and that I like this evening ... And that is on sale!
So, it's late now, but I feel,like I finally got some things moving. I found fans for Amy's room and the den and ordered them. And I think I have found a nice fan for our bedroom, but haven't ordered it yet. So, things are coming along.
Never missing my klonopin again, or running it of it again, I can tell you that for sure!
Have a great week! Cheers!
Lisa
P.S. , I got a sapphire trench coat for myself. I don't want to one of a million in black! So dreary. Now ... maybe some beautiful galoshes?? I gave mine away before we moved here because they were so incredibly heavy I could hardly wear them, and hurt my feet badly. Finding really cheap ones on amazon. I was a little worried because the ones in the department stores were running $79-199!! But these are only around $25, so that's okay.
Night night
Friday, October 24, 2014
Day 235 - Lovely Day
Dear Companion,
yes ... That's right, companion! To refer to you, whoever "you" are as "Reader" has seemed too cold. If you, for some reason, follow my ramblings as I try to regain my health and take possession of my life, you are more than just a reader!
Today was a lovely day because I did not have to leave the house at all today. This is a regular conversation between me and my psychologist. Having had full-blown agoraphobia before, my reluctance to leave the house, and my difficulty doing so is of some concern to her. Knowing how much worse I used to be, my current level,of anxiet at leaving the house doesn't concern me at all!
Another thing that made it a nice day is that almost no one came to the house! The dry cleaners man and the facilities director,who brought over a chimney sweep! Yep, I didn't know they were still around either.
I was able to get quite a lot done. In my som's bedroom today and am looking forward to cleaning it more tomorrow. I also have to pick a paint color for it. I have five windows in there, and six dark brown velvet curtain panels. I think I've got it figured out how to handle that. I have to pick a paint color and, hopefully, will have it painted and clean before our guests get here Thursday. Oh, that reminds me ... I need some sheets. Doubletree has promised to have us the mattress here in time!
My husband and I went to a nearby village for dinner at a nice cafe. I had the lobster tacos and the grilled shrimp on arugula with tomatoes and white cannellini beans, the same salad I had for lunch yesterday.
I picked a shower curtain today for the bathroom that goes with my study. It's a beautiful Celtic design in luscious shades of ourple and blue that I think will tie together the lavender in my study with the blue tile in the bathroom.
My husband has a very full day and evening tomorrow, so I should be able to get a lot done tomorrow!
The klonopin is building up some and the anxiety is going down, but there's still a ways to go.
Cheers!
Lisa
yes ... That's right, companion! To refer to you, whoever "you" are as "Reader" has seemed too cold. If you, for some reason, follow my ramblings as I try to regain my health and take possession of my life, you are more than just a reader!
Today was a lovely day because I did not have to leave the house at all today. This is a regular conversation between me and my psychologist. Having had full-blown agoraphobia before, my reluctance to leave the house, and my difficulty doing so is of some concern to her. Knowing how much worse I used to be, my current level,of anxiet at leaving the house doesn't concern me at all!
Another thing that made it a nice day is that almost no one came to the house! The dry cleaners man and the facilities director,who brought over a chimney sweep! Yep, I didn't know they were still around either.
I was able to get quite a lot done. In my som's bedroom today and am looking forward to cleaning it more tomorrow. I also have to pick a paint color for it. I have five windows in there, and six dark brown velvet curtain panels. I think I've got it figured out how to handle that. I have to pick a paint color and, hopefully, will have it painted and clean before our guests get here Thursday. Oh, that reminds me ... I need some sheets. Doubletree has promised to have us the mattress here in time!
My husband and I went to a nearby village for dinner at a nice cafe. I had the lobster tacos and the grilled shrimp on arugula with tomatoes and white cannellini beans, the same salad I had for lunch yesterday.
I picked a shower curtain today for the bathroom that goes with my study. It's a beautiful Celtic design in luscious shades of ourple and blue that I think will tie together the lavender in my study with the blue tile in the bathroom.
My husband has a very full day and evening tomorrow, so I should be able to get a lot done tomorrow!
The klonopin is building up some and the anxiety is going down, but there's still a ways to go.
Cheers!
Lisa
Thursday, October 23, 2014
Day 236 - Some Insights Today
Day ... -
Dear Reader,
Interesting day. Gave me a lot to think about. I woke up around 8:30 and almost felt like I could get up. But I fell back asleep and slept till around 10:30. I was disappointed in myself for falling back asleep for so long, but it had decided to let it new one of those days when I let myself just sleep till I woke up. But then, I didn't get up. I just laid there looking out towards the staircase through one door, and through the dressing room and down a hall through the other door, full of a deep hesitancy to get out of bed. I tried to examine it and figure out what I was feeling and realized that it was fear. I think I've talked about this before, that I used to just stay in bed for hours during the summer because it was safe in bed. My mother never made us get up for some reason. If it was the weekend, she would be screaming at my dad, so the bed was for sure the safest place to be. I tried to examine the fear some more and realized that I could feel the fear in my stomach. I've been asked for and heard people talk about where they felt fear, and that never made sense to me until now.
I had a revelation, though. I realized that I was, by staying in bed, continuing to enact the role of the victim, the child who was the victims of her mother's mental illness. But by staying in bed now, as an adult, I am still acting like a victim. To get up and be in charge of my day would be enacting the role of the heroine, the adult who was no ones victim and was in charge of her life and home. By caving to the feeling of fear and staying in bed, I was actually reinforcing my prior victimization. Safety no longer lies in remaining in bed. Safety lies in inhabiting my role as the woman who is no longer under the domination of a seriously mentally I'll mother.
There was a lot more today, but I'm ready to go to sleep. The power is out and I have no internet and no husband (he's at an event) so I'm going on to sleep.
Hope all is well in your world!
Lisa
Dear Reader,
Interesting day. Gave me a lot to think about. I woke up around 8:30 and almost felt like I could get up. But I fell back asleep and slept till around 10:30. I was disappointed in myself for falling back asleep for so long, but it had decided to let it new one of those days when I let myself just sleep till I woke up. But then, I didn't get up. I just laid there looking out towards the staircase through one door, and through the dressing room and down a hall through the other door, full of a deep hesitancy to get out of bed. I tried to examine it and figure out what I was feeling and realized that it was fear. I think I've talked about this before, that I used to just stay in bed for hours during the summer because it was safe in bed. My mother never made us get up for some reason. If it was the weekend, she would be screaming at my dad, so the bed was for sure the safest place to be. I tried to examine the fear some more and realized that I could feel the fear in my stomach. I've been asked for and heard people talk about where they felt fear, and that never made sense to me until now.
I had a revelation, though. I realized that I was, by staying in bed, continuing to enact the role of the victim, the child who was the victims of her mother's mental illness. But by staying in bed now, as an adult, I am still acting like a victim. To get up and be in charge of my day would be enacting the role of the heroine, the adult who was no ones victim and was in charge of her life and home. By caving to the feeling of fear and staying in bed, I was actually reinforcing my prior victimization. Safety no longer lies in remaining in bed. Safety lies in inhabiting my role as the woman who is no longer under the domination of a seriously mentally I'll mother.
There was a lot more today, but I'm ready to go to sleep. The power is out and I have no internet and no husband (he's at an event) so I'm going on to sleep.
Hope all is well in your world!
Lisa
Tuesday, October 21, 2014
Day 237 - I Need a Personal Assistant!
Dear Reader,
It's not quite 11:30 and I'm trying to get to bed early tonight. I have a 9:30 AM (!) doctor's appointment tomorrow! It's the only time they have so I had to take it to get my Klonopin prescription. I also have to have the back scratch allergy test and get a place cut off of my arm that I think is probably pre-cancerous. She may decide to send me to a dermatologist, though, for it. It won't go away. I've scratched it off several times, but it keeps coming back. It's like a place I had on my leg a few years ago that was a pre-cancer spot. I can't have the MRI on my arm done until the doctor talks with the insurance company. They apparently ask a million questions before they will approve it.
I organized my giant to-do list today, and it's a scorcher, for sure. Organized, it takes up about three pages! I worked pretty steadily today, but I have this appointment and a meeting to plan the thanksgiving luncheon we are hosting for the faculty and staff.
Our new mattress should be delivered soon. They put it on sale $500 and are going to give me the sale price, so that will be great. Then I can start putting our son's bedroom together. It is still a disaster with tons of boxes in it.
I was really tired today and felt kind of sick. Probably just getting over the trip. And, yes, I am very aware that the days are ticking by without me having started exercising at all, Or, as. Y daughter would say, "I am well aware!"
I don't know how I am ever going to be settled in the house! Everything is taking so long! Right now I'm just trying to find ceiling fans for our bedroom, our daughter's bedroom, and the den ... but I'm having a really hard time finding them.
Right now the big deal is trying to figure out how to wax the hardwood floors in the main rooms before the furniture arrives. I used to do this by hand with Johnson's paste wax, but this is far too much square footage for that. And there are so many new products on the market. I'm having a had time sorting through it all. Especially with a lot of things contradicting each other.
So ... I've got a lot on my plate right now and will have at least to the end of the year.
That's it for me. Now ... I am going to put down my iPad and I am NOT going to shop anymore because I am going to go to bed NOW!
Good night!
Lisa
It's not quite 11:30 and I'm trying to get to bed early tonight. I have a 9:30 AM (!) doctor's appointment tomorrow! It's the only time they have so I had to take it to get my Klonopin prescription. I also have to have the back scratch allergy test and get a place cut off of my arm that I think is probably pre-cancerous. She may decide to send me to a dermatologist, though, for it. It won't go away. I've scratched it off several times, but it keeps coming back. It's like a place I had on my leg a few years ago that was a pre-cancer spot. I can't have the MRI on my arm done until the doctor talks with the insurance company. They apparently ask a million questions before they will approve it.
I organized my giant to-do list today, and it's a scorcher, for sure. Organized, it takes up about three pages! I worked pretty steadily today, but I have this appointment and a meeting to plan the thanksgiving luncheon we are hosting for the faculty and staff.
Our new mattress should be delivered soon. They put it on sale $500 and are going to give me the sale price, so that will be great. Then I can start putting our son's bedroom together. It is still a disaster with tons of boxes in it.
I was really tired today and felt kind of sick. Probably just getting over the trip. And, yes, I am very aware that the days are ticking by without me having started exercising at all, Or, as. Y daughter would say, "I am well aware!"
I don't know how I am ever going to be settled in the house! Everything is taking so long! Right now I'm just trying to find ceiling fans for our bedroom, our daughter's bedroom, and the den ... but I'm having a really hard time finding them.
Right now the big deal is trying to figure out how to wax the hardwood floors in the main rooms before the furniture arrives. I used to do this by hand with Johnson's paste wax, but this is far too much square footage for that. And there are so many new products on the market. I'm having a had time sorting through it all. Especially with a lot of things contradicting each other.
So ... I've got a lot on my plate right now and will have at least to the end of the year.
That's it for me. Now ... I am going to put down my iPad and I am NOT going to shop anymore because I am going to go to bed NOW!
Good night!
Lisa
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