Dear Reader,
My "computer" is still off. No rebooting action yet! I am still recuperating and weak, but I haven't had any fever today. So, that's good news. But here's an aggravating thing. One of my chronic conditions is way weird and involves my blood vessels becoming permeable and letting plasma out. The holes are usually small enough that no red blood cells get out, but occasionally when I am very stressed out, they open up enough for red blood cells to get out also. This causes little spots of bleeding to appear under my skin. It's called petechia, and I don't really know that much about it. One time I broke out all over my entire body!
Tonight, I was working on a large return to Ann Taylor. It was complicated and probably took me close to two hours with several trips up and down the stairs getting things. Not a big deal, but I was tired and frustrated and when I came upstairs to bathe and go to bed I saw that I had bled under the skin of my torso in about fifty little places. Not a big deal, but frustrating! I'd really like to learn more about this. Not understanding something my body does can be discouraging.
I made some forward motion last night. I take beta blockers three times a day to keep my heart from racing too much. But I learned that they cause fatigue, but that magnesium acts as a natural beta blocker without the side effects. So I researched magnesium - research is my thing! - and learned that you need to take oral supplements and apply it to your skin in the form of oils or lotions. Apparently if you take oral supplements alone it takes almost a year to get your levels up to normal, but adding the skin applications reduces that to about three months. So I ordered some magnesium supplements and lotion for sensitive skins and some mineral drops to add to your drinking water. I need to study this more, but I gather that virtually everyone in the US is deficient and needs some degree of supplementation. And I learned that it is apparently the cure for whatever ails you!
Another thing I did was spend some time looking for meditation aps to help you wake up in the morning. I downloaded one for free only to find this morning that it is in German! But I also found a podcast that I listened to instead of the German one, and it was pretty nice! You listen with headphones because it uses binaural beats to adjust your brain waves. We'll see!
And I had a good time today reading a novel by a favorite author.
So, I think I made a little smidge of progress today. At least I didn't slip back any!
Oh, and one other thing, I contacted my physical therapist to see if she would be willing to learn about dysautonomia and help me get in condition if my insurance will cover it. Now THAT would be super exciting!
Good night! Rest well!
Lisa
Tuesday, December 31, 2013
Monday, December 30, 2013
Countdown: 135 Days Ahead of THE day
Dear Reader,
Hello! My name is ... well, never mind what my name is! I think I'll keep it to myself, but you can call me "Lisa," how's that?
Here's the deal. I am 56 years old, but a very "young" 56, and will be starting the adventure of my lifetime in, you guessed it, 135 days. The adventure? Well, it might not seem like much to you truly adventurous types, but it is huge for me. I am moving to Manhattan! Better yet, I am moving to a small village just outside Manhattan! I don't think I could be more excited!
There are problems with moving, of course. I will be leaving behind my children, ages 22 and 28, and an elderly mother. Much, MUCH more will come later about my mother! My husband and I will be going on this adventure alone, just the two of us. Since we are still best friends, this will be wonderful for us. I've told him I plan to never cook again! Just think of all the restaurants there!
Now here's the thing and the reason I am starting this blog. I am a survivor of constant childhood abuse. I have PTSD and almost crippling anxiety and insomnia and have been in counseling for years working through some very deep and complex issues. Not not only that, but I have three, count them ... THREE incurable, chronic illnesses, one of which is life-threatening.
Last year (2012) was a year of unremitting extreme stress. 2013 has been better, but I feel like the dry husk of a cicada you find hanging on the bark of a tree ... I have been completely sucked dry.
My health has been deteriorating to the point that I am very inactive. I am 40 lbs overweight and out of shape. This is frustrating because I used to be a dancer and quite athletic, but I've lost it all. I carry on a great deal of negative self-talk and am mildly depressed. I am not fulfilling my dream of being a writer, or even working towards becoming one anymore. I had my big almost-break through with a big magazine that went out of business after accepting my article. I don't think I've been the same since. I have an agent interested in a book I am writing, or rather, was writing. I have a very, um, complicated family and an extremely public position and there seems to be no time, literally, or emotional energy left for me to work on my book.
In short, I have given up. I feel no spark, no creativity, no joy and absolutely no motivation.
I want to change all this! I want this blog to be about making changes in my life and becoming the person I was meant to be. What is that quote, "It's never too late to become the person you were meant to be." I hope that person is right!
This move will be a wonderful thing for me, but I want to do a lot of self-improvement before I get there and not arrive there the beaten down wreck that I currently I am.
Every time my computer or iPad quit working right, I get frustrated and call my husband. He ALWAYS says, "Have you turned it off?" I am too impatient to do this and I just want it to WORK! So I tell him, NO, I have NOT turned the computer off! To which he always admonishes me that I have to turn it off, then turn it back on and let it "reboot."
Now, I have no idea what "reboot" means, but I have a general idea that you have to give the computer time to pull itself back together.
And that is what I want these 135 days to be, a time of pulling myself back together. A time of "rebooting." I came down with the flu on Christmas Day (yay me!) and have come to a complete standstill. This strikes me as being the equivalent of "turning the computer off." In a few days, when I am well, it will be time to "turn it back on" and let the rebooting begin!
I am starting ths blog because I would like, very much, to not walk this journey alone. I would love your companionship along the way. I discourage very easily and I feel like my entire life is balancing on the cusp right now. This is the moment when my future will be decided. When my grandchildren will remember me for the great books I wrote and the great life I lived, or for the cookies I baked and how nicely I wrapped their presents!
So, would you care to come along? I could really use some some companions and encouragers and just, in general, some help!
Love,
Lisa
Hello! My name is ... well, never mind what my name is! I think I'll keep it to myself, but you can call me "Lisa," how's that?
Here's the deal. I am 56 years old, but a very "young" 56, and will be starting the adventure of my lifetime in, you guessed it, 135 days. The adventure? Well, it might not seem like much to you truly adventurous types, but it is huge for me. I am moving to Manhattan! Better yet, I am moving to a small village just outside Manhattan! I don't think I could be more excited!
There are problems with moving, of course. I will be leaving behind my children, ages 22 and 28, and an elderly mother. Much, MUCH more will come later about my mother! My husband and I will be going on this adventure alone, just the two of us. Since we are still best friends, this will be wonderful for us. I've told him I plan to never cook again! Just think of all the restaurants there!
Now here's the thing and the reason I am starting this blog. I am a survivor of constant childhood abuse. I have PTSD and almost crippling anxiety and insomnia and have been in counseling for years working through some very deep and complex issues. Not not only that, but I have three, count them ... THREE incurable, chronic illnesses, one of which is life-threatening.
Last year (2012) was a year of unremitting extreme stress. 2013 has been better, but I feel like the dry husk of a cicada you find hanging on the bark of a tree ... I have been completely sucked dry.
My health has been deteriorating to the point that I am very inactive. I am 40 lbs overweight and out of shape. This is frustrating because I used to be a dancer and quite athletic, but I've lost it all. I carry on a great deal of negative self-talk and am mildly depressed. I am not fulfilling my dream of being a writer, or even working towards becoming one anymore. I had my big almost-break through with a big magazine that went out of business after accepting my article. I don't think I've been the same since. I have an agent interested in a book I am writing, or rather, was writing. I have a very, um, complicated family and an extremely public position and there seems to be no time, literally, or emotional energy left for me to work on my book.
In short, I have given up. I feel no spark, no creativity, no joy and absolutely no motivation.
I want to change all this! I want this blog to be about making changes in my life and becoming the person I was meant to be. What is that quote, "It's never too late to become the person you were meant to be." I hope that person is right!
This move will be a wonderful thing for me, but I want to do a lot of self-improvement before I get there and not arrive there the beaten down wreck that I currently I am.
Every time my computer or iPad quit working right, I get frustrated and call my husband. He ALWAYS says, "Have you turned it off?" I am too impatient to do this and I just want it to WORK! So I tell him, NO, I have NOT turned the computer off! To which he always admonishes me that I have to turn it off, then turn it back on and let it "reboot."
Now, I have no idea what "reboot" means, but I have a general idea that you have to give the computer time to pull itself back together.
And that is what I want these 135 days to be, a time of pulling myself back together. A time of "rebooting." I came down with the flu on Christmas Day (yay me!) and have come to a complete standstill. This strikes me as being the equivalent of "turning the computer off." In a few days, when I am well, it will be time to "turn it back on" and let the rebooting begin!
I am starting ths blog because I would like, very much, to not walk this journey alone. I would love your companionship along the way. I discourage very easily and I feel like my entire life is balancing on the cusp right now. This is the moment when my future will be decided. When my grandchildren will remember me for the great books I wrote and the great life I lived, or for the cookies I baked and how nicely I wrapped their presents!
So, would you care to come along? I could really use some some companions and encouragers and just, in general, some help!
Love,
Lisa
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